i told elsie i wouldn't write about camp, but..

she sent me photos (:

this one was taken candid, but for some reason i actually don't look too bad. which obviously follows that i need to declare this phenomenon: you can look fine unglam!

a lot of the photos had my eyes looking like this. it makes me feel like i'm a cat.

a muffed-up shot i ended up liking.

i had no idea what i was doing, it looks like i'm dancing. for the record, the theme for campfire was 'back to school', so i duly borrowed a uniform.

meow.

i have honestly no recollection of this action. either way, i must have been bullied.

and now, the Pièce de résistance:

moi at 18, and then again at 21. what do you think? (:

a wrinkle in time

i saw leon at the canteen just now, while durian lunching with ben. i haven't seen him for a couple of years now, i think.

we talked for awhile, we talked well.
i thought maybe we would exchange email addresses, facebook contacts, something, anything to go on talking, but we did not. i did not ask, nor he.
but he brought back memories. memories of what happened in early 2004; a photo of which begins this place, actually. we were 16, 17 then. memories of who i was. i thought big. as in, size-big. i was smart, i knew i was smart, i had the energy to pursue my smarts.

i threw out that energy after the As.

i'm still smart, i know i am. i just (just? as if it was so inconsequential) stopped making any effort to pursue my smarts. to join any thing, be a leader of any where.

sometimes, i think about it. rarely, but i do. where my passion went to. why it's been reduced to little bits of loving people. (yet, having my passion concentrated on nothing but people, these little bits, has resulted in my being able to love them greater. my little bits are more than what most people can give.) why i'm here in nus, my greatest achievement being in usp (and a bum one at that), while the rest of our group has gone onto med school, meetings, networking- in other words, passion, passion, and more passion. Or, energy, energy and yet more energy. why the subjects of my comsummation are trifles, compared to their burdens.

leon was visibly disappointed at the way i've turned out. haha. and he has every right to be. he knew who i was, back then. all the promise and potential. gosh, the world thinks i'm a current failure. i didn't/haven't materialised all that i ought to have been, so now those who have met me within the past three years have no idea.

i feel a little like one of those once-great wizards of old, who got broken and then retired to the mountains for the rest of their lives, living like a simple fool amongst the scornful, retricient villagers who would never have imagined that the village storyteller was once bromir the great.

hmm. not bad.

well.
we'll see. wrinkles can be stitched up, you know.

my suprises, for farewells, for guilt assuage-ion, for sweetpeas

where we had our private capsule (:

*

my feet dangling from the ski chair, on the way to the luge prepared. i loved that day. :)

*

and this, this final gift to me today, because we won't see each other anymore till the new year comes around. you know. i'd always thought i wanted this more than any other i could think of. but now that i've actually got it, i've realised that it doesn't mean half as much as i thought it would, because, obviously, funnily enough, there's you. our friendship ought to go into a storybook.

thank you, for all these, and so, so much more.

hello strangness

unresponsive, brusque, curt, countrary, uncomprehending, silent, deaf, and dumb.
sorry if i've been that. it's just, when i'm that, it's because i'm struggling with something inside.
energy gets taken away then, and then being with you is too much.


reminder to self: need a stylo milo dark brown pseudo leather bagpack, to print out e-ticket, write letters, procure a digital camera, winter clothes, and a luggage that is bigger than i am.


first wave of homesickness, even before i leave.


must be strong. and then love some more.

i hereby declare you the best day of 2008 (:

happinestance-

is a word i make up because "as an english major, i reserve the right to"- declared over Menotti's soffiato and bellini. yummyummy menu, and we couldn't decide between sustanence and deserts.
deserts won, of course.

But I should explain. (:
oh, such a happy day.

Today was a goodbye present for me, a this-is-for-you because you-and-i-are-going-away-on-exchange-and-i-want-to-give-you-something-special day, a surprise for rachel and gosh how i. absolutely, adore, and am in love with, get so excited by, surprises.

thank you, thank you, thank you. (: for being so sweet, and taking the time and effort to think of me, and for the planning, and for doing this because you know i love happinestance.

It's funny how images just come, flash themselves in my mind and then leave. i see city hall's mrt floor, like a snapshot- on the left hand side of the photo's the mrt wall, and then near the bottom at the corner's my red bag, then there are my little shoes peeking in in the foreground, and right in the centre are my hands holding my phone, because i am early and so catching up on messages unanswered. And there is a video too: I have met you/him, and we are riding up the escalator, so that this memory is a moving one. and I know something's in the fcuk paper bag, because it isn't held casually, no, it's held with purpose and i know know know that mr fcuk had meaning in life. I try to probe, but you/he looked so proudly enigmatic I leave it, while loving all the anticipation. oh my grammar's messing up, (but then again not as badly as yours did, utterly failing and crashing after we began on the soffiato).

but honestly dear, i didn't believe my ears when i heard you tell the taxi driver "the singapore flyer, please". no, really, i didn't. it wasn't part of my reality.

because, see, the flyer's like, The place for momentous events, f0r family memories, basically for someone special. because it's, well, so high. And it's the only place in singapore like that. So the flyer's for Very Important People In One's Life and I wouldn't have placed myself up there in your list. not that high.
i still can't believe i'm that high up on your list. (:

I think, that thought, means more to me than the ride itself. because, i'm just the silly girl you've taken care of and looked out for in school, and who causes you so much trouble.

Now, how shall I continue telling the rest of today.
I'm not a very good story-teller, am I. My pronouns are swopped about, perspectives switching at whim, alternating between narrative and letter-writing voice. This is terrible. I sound incoherent, am unable to communicate, and miss all the important stuff.

Like quotes.
"resident buildings are like filing systems; the government places you there for easy reference"
"do you think we could ask for more chocolate?"
"mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"
"my pee's going to smell of durian!" (this one wasn't mine!)
"i look fat!" and, "no, you don't."
"yeah, if even fat rejects you, you really must be scum." -pause- "all men are scum."

Or bits of wisdom:
-me on myself: i'm stable! i'm stable and constant and self-contained.
-me on guys: all men are scum
.him: when what about me?
.me: -thinks- you're a guy.
- us: and how we agree that the phrase "i'm enjoying bachelorhood" just doesn't cut it when you replace the word with spinster. Of course it doesn't. darn.

But oh, i don't know, right now happenstance doesn't matter, i'm still trying to make myself understand that today really happened, that you bought two tickets to the singapore flyer, that we spoilt our dinner at popeye's, but had a gorgeous time at menotti's anyway, that everything happened because you said it would, for me, because you know i love surprises.

Such a soft, lovely feeling about this goodbye gift. i don't know how to verbalise it, it's like i'm back at the entrance of the singapore flyer going ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh because i really have lost words, words all over the place and flying out of the earholes because the sight of the massive structures have filled everything i've got and everything else has to go, to make space for these beams and foundations, and what they all mean.

haha. Take care in bristol, my dear. And part of why i'm so amazed, is because you do this even though we're just friends. Really close, happy times and nonsense siblings-esque friends, essentially philia and- dude, your future girlfriend's going to be so fortunate, cz if you take such detailed care of me, she's going to be very, very happy. <3

mmm well. the day has got to have a conclusion. here we go-

"she got out of the cab, and they all lived happily ever after."

THE END.

a post-it note-sized

Dear readers,

Please excuse the abberation in the previous post; such agitation is rare, and outburst near non-existent. You know I'm usually far more contained.

As of today, I:

- had the nicest time while masquerading as a gp teacher. Met a closely-knit class that was warm enough to invite me for their birthday celebration that took place after our lesson. They are a wild, and wacky bunch, and friendly. Friendly is hard to come by; with my dear boys it took a couple of weeks before we could do the movie/outings/frisbee thing.

- swung from dreadful worry, to trust, to bemusement, to trepidation, to laughter, to contentment. It's terribly draining, and I am so tired now.

- think two weeks is far, far too short to build relationships. I have big shoes to fill, the kids obviously were close to shane (who was also best buds with lucas and kenneth once, cool stuff there) but I think I could try,
if
i
had
the
time.

But I don't. so here comes the mmm. sigh. Indifference, I call upon your name.

As infuriating as a th (boy) dryer

Thanks, for nothing. I hope you enjoyed fuss free laundry, because all the fuss was on my side.

I hate how you never, ever get any body language. I could be standing there- I was standing there- out of breath and flustered because I’d ran four stories up to ask for your help but dude you just don’t see and awesome, remain stuck to your bed and yak away about some BUTTON on the panel. And afterward check your phone: I’m sorry I disturbed your sleep, and yes I shall leave.

You know the laundry upsets me like nothing else does, you know I get stressed and upset and near tears over how the dryer never works and I have to spend hours on it.
I easily spent five hours waiting for the laundry today.

I know I sound whiny and like I’m throwing a tantrum well YES I AM. You can call it whatever you want, whatever that makes me sit here and cry.

I don’t know why the dryer gets to me like this, I know it looks silly but it’s just so important to me that my laundry is efficiently, warm, clean and nice smelling. I don’t know what I was expecting from you, just maybe, to click on my moniker on msn and ask me how it was going. I guess I would have liked some concern from you.

But it’s near ten now, and I still have to make my way back home. You haven’t come in; I guess you’re still sleeping, the way you were when I went up to return you your clean clothes.

an academic rachel prancing around the library

so quoteth I from aik. He says I look academic (a. and that maybe it's my glasses, and b. except I don't sound academic), and he can imagine me "prancing around the library shelves" (lim, 2008). Along those lines.

I've been working for doctor mark as a research assistant since the exams ended, which means I've been living in the library and that makes for irony. On the first day I spent 9 hours in the library, which is more than the time vested during the entire semester as a student.

It's thursday now, and I've just finished scouring the online database for yet more titles. I think I'm still slightly hungover from last night; my brain's somewhat spacey and structuring my sentences now takes considerably more effort than it normally does. Hopefully I don't make outlandish grammar errors while writing this post.

okay. brain just did a mini trapeez swing in the confines of my skull. definitely still mmhurhurwheeing. But I suppose it's a lot better than it might have been, because I followed the advice of a loving friend and drank more-water-than-jonah-probably-did-when-he-was-larking-around-the-oceans before I slept. Of course, it also means I had to get out of my bed and stumble blearily along the corridor four times in the fourish hours of sleep I clocked. BUTT. I am way extremely super more powerful than derrick, who just woke up, and weiliang, who's probably still sleeping, and aik, who's gone back to crash after drinking water with ang mo guards at the spiffy american embassy. Very impressed with myself, I am.


Alright, I'm off to jucier stuff.

i'm a geek/can't you tell
a coin for a library from the wishing well
with shakespeare, the odessey, of cabbages and kings,
but for now i'm stuck with keramat-ing.

because i am a vainpot-

i pinned my hair back today, and i think i looked nice. (:

an ode to the coca bean

how well do i love thee?
let me count the ways-

i praise thee in skinny jeans lindt,
thy thinness fair appealing,
mine heart sure desiring,
thy melting my tingling.

i adore thee pregnant and swollen,
oh lindt thy blessed name be!
scarce i wait till the brown barriers fall,
yet find thou greater than any shopping mall.

i remember thee plump with promise,
i cherish thee cursed with aneroxia,
for be thou filled with still more savour,
or sorrowing with aluminum valour,
mine eye any how wilt favour,
forsooth- thou knowest i am thine

but.
n'er was mine heart more sure,
nay, nor more true,
the day i tasted thee in royce,
so fine- i changed my name to joyce.

though the clock chime twil
and though my paper on the morrow be ill
i swoon before thy feet
and pant for our next meet.

sweet, sweet royce-
whose cousin be rejoice
i make thee my choice
and scorn all other boys.

in simple words,

Tonight I wanted to write, and to complain about the normalacy of life, but now that I have just put down The Time Traveller's Wife I am sleepy, and tired, and not much good except for stubborness.
The Time Traveller's Wife was not a good book; it took me a long time to understand it, and I had to be patient, which I do not like to be when I am reading. At the end, when I had come to understand it, it made me sad, and lonely for the protagonists. What a cold word. Technicality exists, and is good in its place, but tonight I do not wish to broach technicality. I want to say I was sad for the lovers.

I will write because I promised myself I would, that I would write for you. Tonight I believe that I update about the silly, mundane things in my life not just because I love writing, which I do, love the endless words spilling out silly bubbles bubbling in blather (not) and they fellowship with me and I feel better after we talk. It sounds strange, and I am uneasy at my phrasing but I will keep what I just said. And then go on with what I am trying to say. That when I write, I write for you, my reader. because I want you to love me better, and I think maybe that if I wrote about myself you would know me better and in knowing me, I would know you too.
Sometimes I am scared you read me critically, and think I am mediocre, a word that scares me. But I try anyway. I fiddle around with words, looking for the best one so that you might like what I say. I feel like a child standing before her father and confessing her latest deed, that she read through his boring, boring books, and feeling stupid all the time she is saying it, without knowing why she is feeling stupid, and stupidest of all, why she is telling her father, at all.
I think she wants her daddy to see behind the whats of what she did, and recognise that what she is saying really is, daddy, daddy dear, I love you.

What I have been doing: Printing notes, playing bubble breaker, walking unsteadily down the stairs, and playing ultimate frisbee. I think I am addicted a little, to bubble breaker. I am afraid of walking down stairs because there is a problem with my ability to perceive depth in things that look the same, if I am afraid now what of fifty years later, when I am seventy one? Right now stairs are tricky things, my eyes tense and suddenly I cannot tell the lower stair from the one I am now on. So I hold the rails tighter. Maybe I will be braver, or maybe my husband will not mind walking slowly with me. I do not want my husband to die before me, I do not want to die after I am married, if I have to die please let it be before I am married, or in love. Or is it wrong to ask? Perhaps. I do not know what I want, after all. Alright, I take it back.

An in-between out-of-joint in-the-middle-of-nowhere statement: I shall cut my hair in bangs, shortly before I leave. If I look nice you will miss me, and if I don't I'm off to an inconsequential land. Snide, I know. I think I am denying in dislike. Perhaps I am prejudiced against them westerners.

Otherwise- I had a good time at ulty today, the others were silly and I felt happy. Often I feel so young in different ways. In terms of experience level (and I get so vexed at myself), but mostly in terms of age/ these are working adults and they see me as a little girl in pigtails, they are fond of me and talk to me like I am a girl-child. They tell me that I am so cute, pat my head and call me naive and idealistic. Or else they bully me, and use my name as a substitute when telling blonde jokes. Which is fine, I suppose, I live with labels various people paste on me to make understanding self better, it's just, every so often I pinch myself and remind me that hello rachel, you are -i am- all of twentyone. I think I'm a big girl. oh, I almost forgot to go on. Tonight I caught two silly discs, and was part of a funny plot that involved all the guys stacked vertically for sillystance, since sarah was supposed to make the first cut and then huck one to me. All the main points in the plan were excecuted, and I caught the disc praying hard all the time since my contact lens was blurry, and I couldn't see anything futher than two metres. But adam hucked, and it landed nicely in my arms with janice far behind. Although, she could have caught up and d.ed my disc, but she didn't, so I suppose score one more for me. haha. I'll stop boring/regaling you with my tales. The point is, we were laughing and they were joking after that, and I knew I was part of it, was included, something which happens so rarely for me. Let me just postscript this paragraph by announcing my exuberance: I got to pull!!! (that's three exclaimation marks for you. When was the last time you saw me use three exclamination marks?) Gratitude to adam, who announced he thought that I should pull, bless his white western heart, and to the rest, who generously agreed. And I pulled quite well! yay to rachel. big big smile.

oh, I just need to get my technicalities (again) on throwing right. I'll write more about it one day. I've been meaning to, but not yet.

By way of goodnight: Today I learnt a new word, while mmming over superb lint chocolate with liquid centers. These are very much like the ones ben bought for me when we were delinquenting at heeren, packaged for us in a pleasing prim white plastic bag that said prestige, which were the yums. guangyou taught weiliang and I, while weiliang was in bed and being hilarious in his bleariness. nonce. loveit. I love how guangyou loves words, and the way he teaches them with such obvious enjoyment. Should have been an english major, this one, and till today I wish he was. English classes would have been tons better with him. For that matter, I like hanging out with guangyou and weiliang, although times with them have been too far, and too few. I have to take photos with them before I leave. The D4 guys, I will miss. And I hate it when people don't miss me back.

maybe i'm too relaxed

because i don't even know my exam dates. thought cinematic discourse was on saturday, when it's actually... the day after tomorrow. gg. no, make that ggXX.

you see i have regressed into game speak.

thank God for jon, who managed to get wireless, and lend me his laptop. otherwise, i'd have to go allllllll the way back home, because i haven't printed my notes for this module. grimace. so here i am, waiting for the prof's 100+ slides X 13 lectures to download onto his desktop. meh. mehmehmeh.

okay, it's just about done. SO. rachel should.......... hrmmm. edit the slides today, email them to herself, print them out tonight, highlight them tomorrow, and also attempt past year papers if she ever finds any of them online. yes. and then twiddle her thumbs, and write off this module, and hopes she gets a B for it. i can't afford any more B-s and C+s! used them all up already. whatever that means.

in the meantime, i shall take comfort in my faithful teh peng.
love, people. toodles.

you see, sometimes love doesn't seem worth very much

chel says: oh okay. yeah i should be.... probably earlier than you though. (: what are you doing now?

lyage says: just got home not long ago. gonna bathe / prep for interview i guess. you?

chel says: so late?? i'm just sitting here... just watched a documentary on deep sea life so i'm quite (: , but at the same time i'm mostly wondering why i bother keeping my heart

lyage says: my dear. that depends on keeping your heart from WHO??
actually if the right person does come along, i don't think it's any more righteous keeping our hearts than giving it away right?

chel says: sigh. true. but it's hard keeping, while waiting for this right person to come.
and arrrghhhhhh right now i'm just remembering the way he's so happy to see me, bears with me and tries to make me smile

lyage says: ):
ahh, yes that sounds like something hard to fight off.
rachhhhhhhhhel pray pray pray for strength
God ALREADY has someone perfect planned for you
You know i remember once someone telling me. it's like. how we sometimes have to make sacrifices to do what's right before God.
How we sometimes have to get out of our comfort zones.
and it might be painful,
but how we must remember that Jesus did exactly the same for us.
How HE got out of HIS comfort zone to come down to earth, dwell among us sinners,
die on the cross.
and THAT is a sacrifice greater and more painful that what we will ever come close to bearing
so, will we do that for Him too. I thought that was something thought provoking for me. maybe you could think about that too(:

chel says: Jesus seems so far away. so His deeds seem cold and hard too. God seems closer. but even then He's still some way away.

lyage says: yes i know what you mean. sometimes i really want God to be closer to me. sometimes he really does feel distant. but i guess He's closer than we imagine, or feel.
he DWELLS inside us man. I think, we could BOTH think of,
living for christ, having a heart for HIM before anyone else.
and being out of our comfort zone if it means being closer to Him, just like He got out of His comfort zone to save us.

chel says: having a heart for Him before anyone else.... this was one of the things i was thinking of, tonight. why give it to Him? why not lock it up, and throw the keys away? giving my heart to Someone else means having to trust Him with it.. that He knows what's best.
but the way i'm feeling tonight, i'm not so sure i want to let Him try me again and again.. as rude as that sounds

lyage says: yes.
"let Him try me again and again"
you know. i used to think that to, and i believe i still am prone to. that God TRIES us.
And he sometimes challenges,
with all these trials and all these things to fight off and GOD why why do you put all these in our lives.
but then i'm learning that it really makes Him sound like a coldhearted, distant disciplinarian, when that cannot be further from what he really is?
because he really, really, is. actually and only. Love. isn't He.

chel says: but there's a lot to love
God chastens those He loves

4Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

it doesn't say that Love chastens
but it seems that He does
and it is hard to understand why
and if He isn't a cold hearted disciplinarian, but only Love, then why?

lyage says: TRUST HIS LOVE.
because sometimes these are challenges just because it isn't OUR way.
not that it is actually a hard way.
becuase steering us from what we think we want is always hard, but he's steering us to something BETTER. that's why!
THAT"S WHY.
and he will lead us to green pastures rachel, let him take our handssss.
and let's just trust Him.
and wait upon Him.
tht's what it's all about right? about giving Him our lives and that means trusting him with it.
i don't know. i don't know too much too.
but let's try.

chel says:aye yes. i forgot, that these are challenges sometimes because it isn't the i-want way. got too caught up.
i'll trust

lyage says: hahaha .i love you rachel, we're not going to give up okay.
i've gotta go noww, but keep praying, He'll keep strengthening. love much
GO SLEEP TOO
don't think too much(:
nightsss (:

i'll trust.
even if the rain warps the reality from my spectacles and my vision is blurred,
i'll not mind the stumbles that short-sightedness brings. i'll still trust that a tree remains a tree, even when i can't see for myself.
because i trust there will come a day, when i see wholly.
and on that day, i'll find that there was beauty even in the bane.

Commissioning Balls and Other Assortments

hullo me, it's been some time since we sat down for a cup of tea and idle chatter. let's do it in points, and soft letters.

1) lyrics. yours truly is what drew berrymore would call a lyrics person if she were acting as sophie, the sophie who had a mean book written about her sophie. (i will never call my child sophie.) if i find not interesting lyrics, thoughtful lyrics, well-written lyrics, i will be hard pressed to like what i am listening to. lyrics.


2) time; i'm leaving in close-to-perhaps-slightly-around-probably-about eight weeks. that isn't a lot of time, and i fear i will never have the time to sit down and realise the days slipping past, like pearls off a string, as anne of green gables would say. i don't want to leave in a rush, i want to sit down, and think, and feel sad, because i remember what, who and why i love. i want to know before i go.


3) A quote that has to be immortalised-

Carrying an umbrella is like a tree moving; happy feelings come too (mommy, 2008).

Amazing stuff, my mom.

4) Comms Balls! As with tradition, I'll show photos from each. (:

The first ever Ball-

date: aug 05
date: joe
vocation: armour

hotel: hyatt

commentary: given (:

_______________________________________

Comms Ball 2

date: june 2006
date: joe
vocation: armour

hotel: hilton

commentary: given too (:

____________________________________

Comms Ball 3

date: march 2008

date: jem
vocation: infantry

hotel: shangri la

running commentry: i cut jem's head off/i did it again/now his face is gone/i make nice space for sarah/yf@ shangri la, haha/gayle said sarah looked like a bride/this is the face to put when you don't get to go for the after-party at dempsy road/after that face, cut off the forehead/but make sure your guy always smiles.

________________________________

Alright I'm sleepy, we can stop now. I'll put up photos from immanuel's Social Night some time, next time. (:

heart herder

Guard well, this heart of yours
It must not fly where it will-

There is no hope there.

In spite of what it sighs.

Heart, what is wrong
with you?
Why do you not forget

Though you seek to walk the stairs

I will stay you.

I would like to be honest, tonight. The path to refreshing my heart, it's been hard, and sometimes it doesn't feel like a refreshing at all. I try to stay true, and walk the straightest I can, but it seems I stumble along like a fool. I wish I could ride the storm with my head held higher, but my heart batters me with a longing that is louder than words, and my clumsy principles - it has no voice. The flame flickers and is oh, so small and weak. Often, times like now, I have absolutely, completely no answer as to why I do not turn back and knock on the door.

It's hard to find the words, to speak. I try, but the cards I draw are a blank, again and again, and my mind cannot fill them. How do I describe what I feel, when I cannot answer why I asked for this? And even as I accuse my heart of battering me, it has itself been hard hit. It feels responsible when I remember my grievence was not only towards myself, that another had to care too. It tugs at me when little memories and reminders surface, oh I wish I could be less vague, that I could explain myself. That I am not dumb when questioned.

Just- why did we not behave ourselves, to the point where this was what I choose.
But I know there will come a time when I forget why I wrote this entry at all. I'll wait till then. I'll wait it out. 

there ain't no woofer in my room, no more