Monday, April 28, 2008

maybe i'm too relaxed

because i don't even know my exam dates. thought cinematic discourse was on saturday, when it's actually... the day after tomorrow. gg. no, make that ggXX.

you see i have regressed into game speak.

thank God for jon, who managed to get wireless, and lend me his laptop. otherwise, i'd have to go allllllll the way back home, because i haven't printed my notes for this module. grimace. so here i am, waiting for the prof's 100+ slides X 13 lectures to download onto his desktop. meh. mehmehmeh.

okay, it's just about done. SO. rachel should.......... hrmmm. edit the slides today, email them to herself, print them out tonight, highlight them tomorrow, and also attempt past year papers if she ever finds any of them online. yes. and then twiddle her thumbs, and write off this module, and hopes she gets a B for it. i can't afford any more B-s and C+s! used them all up already. whatever that means.

in the meantime, i shall take comfort in my faithful teh peng.
love, people. toodles.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

you see, sometimes love doesn't seem worth very much

chel says: oh okay. yeah i should be.... probably earlier than you though. (: what are you doing now?

lyage says: just got home not long ago. gonna bathe / prep for interview i guess. you?

chel says: so late?? i'm just sitting here... just watched a documentary on deep sea life so i'm quite (: , but at the same time i'm mostly wondering why i bother keeping my heart

lyage says: my dear. that depends on keeping your heart from WHO??
actually if the right person does come along, i don't think it's any more righteous keeping our hearts than giving it away right?

chel says: sigh. true. but it's hard keeping, while waiting for this right person to come.
and arrrghhhhhh right now i'm just remembering the way he's so happy to see me, bears with me and tries to make me smile

lyage says: ):
ahh, yes that sounds like something hard to fight off.
rachhhhhhhhhel pray pray pray for strength
God ALREADY has someone perfect planned for you
You know i remember once someone telling me. it's like. how we sometimes have to make sacrifices to do what's right before God.
How we sometimes have to get out of our comfort zones.
and it might be painful,
but how we must remember that Jesus did exactly the same for us.
How HE got out of HIS comfort zone to come down to earth, dwell among us sinners,
die on the cross.
and THAT is a sacrifice greater and more painful that what we will ever come close to bearing
so, will we do that for Him too. I thought that was something thought provoking for me. maybe you could think about that too(:

chel says: Jesus seems so far away. so His deeds seem cold and hard too. God seems closer. but even then He's still some way away.

lyage says: yes i know what you mean. sometimes i really want God to be closer to me. sometimes he really does feel distant. but i guess He's closer than we imagine, or feel.
he DWELLS inside us man. I think, we could BOTH think of,
living for christ, having a heart for HIM before anyone else.
and being out of our comfort zone if it means being closer to Him, just like He got out of His comfort zone to save us.

chel says: having a heart for Him before anyone else.... this was one of the things i was thinking of, tonight. why give it to Him? why not lock it up, and throw the keys away? giving my heart to Someone else means having to trust Him with it.. that He knows what's best.
but the way i'm feeling tonight, i'm not so sure i want to let Him try me again and again.. as rude as that sounds

lyage says: yes.
"let Him try me again and again"
you know. i used to think that to, and i believe i still am prone to. that God TRIES us.
And he sometimes challenges,
with all these trials and all these things to fight off and GOD why why do you put all these in our lives.
but then i'm learning that it really makes Him sound like a coldhearted, distant disciplinarian, when that cannot be further from what he really is?
because he really, really, is. actually and only. Love. isn't He.

chel says: but there's a lot to love
God chastens those He loves

4Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

it doesn't say that Love chastens
but it seems that He does
and it is hard to understand why
and if He isn't a cold hearted disciplinarian, but only Love, then why?

lyage says: TRUST HIS LOVE.
because sometimes these are challenges just because it isn't OUR way.
not that it is actually a hard way.
becuase steering us from what we think we want is always hard, but he's steering us to something BETTER. that's why!
THAT"S WHY.
and he will lead us to green pastures rachel, let him take our handssss.
and let's just trust Him.
and wait upon Him.
tht's what it's all about right? about giving Him our lives and that means trusting him with it.
i don't know. i don't know too much too.
but let's try.

chel says:aye yes. i forgot, that these are challenges sometimes because it isn't the i-want way. got too caught up.
i'll trust

lyage says: hahaha .i love you rachel, we're not going to give up okay.
i've gotta go noww, but keep praying, He'll keep strengthening. love much
GO SLEEP TOO
don't think too much(:
nightsss (:



i'll trust.
even if the rain warps the reality from my spectacles and my vision is blurred,
i'll not mind the stumbles that short-sightedness brings. i'll still trust that a tree remains a tree, even when i can't see for myself.
because i trust there will come a day, when i see wholly.
and on that day, i'll find that there was beauty even in the bane.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Commissioning Balls and Other Assortments

hullo me, it's been some time since we sat down for a cup of tea and idle chatter. let's do it in points, and soft letters.

1) lyrics. yours truly is what drew berrymore would call a lyrics person if she were acting as sophie, the sophie who had a mean book written about her sophie. (i will never call my child sophie.) if i find not interesting lyrics, thoughtful lyrics, well-written lyrics, i will be hard pressed to like what i am listening to. lyrics.


2) time; i'm leaving in close-to-perhaps-slightly-around-probably-about eight weeks. that isn't a lot of time, and i fear i will never have the time to sit down and realise the days slipping past, like pearls off a string, as anne of green gables would say. i don't want to leave in a rush, i want to sit down, and think, and feel sad, because i remember what, who and why i love. i want to know before i go.


3) A quote that has to be immortalised-
Carrying an umbrella is like a tree moving; happy feelings come too (mommy, 2008).

Amazing stuff, my mom.

4) Comms Balls! As with tradition, I'll show photos from each. (:



The first ever Ball-







date: aug 05
date: joe
vocation: armour

hotel: hyatt

commentary: given (:

_______________________________________




Comms Ball 2



date: june 2006
date: joe
vocation: armour

hotel: hilton

commentary: given too (:

____________________________________



Comms Ball 3



date: march 2008

date: jem
vocation: infantry

hotel: shangri la

running commentry: i cut jem's head off/i did it again/now his face is gone/i make nice space for sarah/yf@ shangri la, haha/gayle said sarah looked like a bride/this is the face to put when you don't get to go for the after-party at dempsy road/after that face, cut off the forehead/but make sure your guy always smiles.

________________________________

Alright I'm sleepy, we can stop now. I'll put up photos from immanuel's Social Night some time, next time. (:

Thursday, April 17, 2008

heart herder

Guard well, this heart of yours
It must not fly where it will-
There is no hope there.
In spite of what it sighs.

Heart, what is wrong
with you?
Why do you not forget
Though you seek to walk the stairs
I will stay you.



I would like to be honest, tonight. The path to refreshing my heart, it's been hard, and sometimes it doesn't feel like a refreshing at all. I try to stay true, and walk the straightest I can, but it seems I stumble along like a fool. I wish I could ride the storm with my head held higher, but my heart batters me with a longing that is louder than words, and my clumsy principles - it has no voice. The flame flickers and is oh, so small and weak. Often, times like now, I have absolutely, completely no answer as to why I do not turn back and knock on the door.


It's hard to find the words, to speak. I try, but the cards I draw are a blank, again and again, and my mind cannot fill them. How do I describe what I feel, when I cannot answer why I asked for this? And even as I accuse my heart of battering me, it has itself been hard hit. It feels responsible when I remember my grievence was not only towards myself, that another had to care too. It tugs at me when little memories and reminders surface, oh I wish I could be less vague, that I could explain myself. That I am not dumb when questioned.


Just- why did we not behave ourselves, to the point where this was what I choose.
But I know there will come a time when I forget why I wrote this entry at all. I'll wait till then. I'll wait it out. 






there ain't no woofer in my room, no more

Saturday, April 12, 2008

It has been a long week. There was much to be done, and many thoughts to think.

I sat down here for awhile and tried, to talk about them in some semblence of logical frames but catergorising them as topics proved too difficult and I found myself deleting more than I wrote. So I decided, I will take what comes; for now my objective is to string coherent sentences that flow in some kind of direction.

Abruptly- I've been pondering a lot about relationships these days. Nothing particularly in-depth, mostly watching of couples and people and thinking about them, what they do. I find that affectionate acts have become foreign, and as of now I cannot imagine opening myself up like they. More I cannot imagine: accepting, and allowing. someone into my life, building my life with said someone, investing, and willingly putting time and effort for him. etc etc etc. All these go so far deeper than a friendship, but friendship is all I have now to offer anyone. I do not think I have within me to give more. Not now anyway, while I am still feeling my way through, and trying to regain that which I gave away. Funny, I sound like I have lost hope.

mmm. I was catching up with a friend of mine last night, and at the end of many yakults and louhan guo I am somewhat vexed. Why do I not get impulse gifts of pretty baubles and trinklets? Surely NUS' bazaars are not any plainer than SMU's; I would like pretty earrings too. But I suppose I am sounding like a spoilt child now. Alright, I'll hush. It's just, little bits of prettiness makes the world go round. There ought to be more guys like that friend of mine.

Moving on, onto another tilting of my head. In other words, on another night, I was chatting away with raghu and in the midst of all the streams and rivulets of easy conversation he said something I really liked, when he was talking about his past romances, something along the lines of when a new relationship comes... all the bad memories and times of the old one fades... because there is new hope. I really did like that, I suppose it was because it was really revelant that night. But I was not thinking of that line for myself. For that night, I believed that hope in you means hope in me. But it doesn't always work that way; sometimes it's about who is left feeling sadder and by all accounts I think strangely enough, I've been tagged It.

On blocking of feelings and boys: wilson said that boys do it better, ben ulty said that once before too and just today guangyou said that guys are strong.

There. I've written enough. Catharsis has taken place.

And there are happy things, there are. Like spontaneous singing sessions with my father, as he decides to strum his guitar. Moments like those, like it was just now, remind me that there are things that matter more, if only I remember them, like the sound of my daddy's voice and mine in song.

Monday, April 07, 2008

To me, after reading some of your blog, have the feeling that you are haughty and presumptuous-

according to some anonymous dude on my wordpress account.

ohhhhwell. Guess it shouldn't mean much. After all, it was my face on our jc class photo that ben pointed to and said,

"you know, the first time I met you I thought you were a stuck-up, arrogant, ang-mo speaking bitch".

Which also pretty much is the template for people confessing their first impresion of me.

Just wondering if I should have approved and let the tirade go through. 'twas a comment longer than this post. so many words.
The commentor also sounds scarily like that computer creep from when I was teaching at acs.

My happy comos has been thrown into disarray for the moment. ):