thy word declares,
thou wilt supply my needs
for blessings now, O LORD,
i humbly seek
so goes an old hmyn. never been quite sure how one can be asking for blessings and still be humble, but if it's possible, then
the blessings i seek from God are: a love for purity that overwhelms all other desires, and the freedom from all that is lewd, hot, heavy, dispassionate, distant, and all the other words that describe the bondage of sin. i want to be breathing the cool, crisp morning air like i am now, knowing that my mind and body are clear as the morning dewdrops and fresh rain.
*
/edit: well well well. guess what. God has decided to show me what humility means. i've been a post-modern humilist, sigh.
John Piper on humility
Excerpt: "A man was meant to be doubtful about himself, but undoubting about the truth; this has been exactly reversed. Nowadays the part of a man that a man does assert is exactly the part he ought not to assert - himself. ... [and] the new humility makes a man doubtful about his aims, which makes him stop working altogether. . . . We are on the road to producing a race of man too mentally modest to believe in the multiplication table".
Humility is as 1st Peter 4:19 says: "Entrust your soul to the faithful Creator". And if I can't do that, it's because I'm proud. I still have control issues.
But see, control issues are yet another part of the bondage problem. A muddy shirt cannot make itself clean; there's no way it ever can. It needs soap, warm water, and help to scrub it clean, and make it white again. I have not the least bit inclination to walk around the world with a muddy shirt that will cause my body to rash and whose dirt, when gotten into my rashes, to result in my body breaking out in sores. It will be painful and chafing.
In that same way, I will entrust my soul to the faithful Creator, who will stop my soul's decomposing, and wash me clean.
*
thanks to gayle, for the link to piper(:
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
to be, or not to be
since i've been back, looking at photos of mountains hasn't been the same. they make pretty pictures to someone who's never seen them, but now that i have, it feels like a blessing and a curse sometimes. but i choose, blessing.
suddenly a memory coloured itself. gayle and i on the bus, on the way to dinner. talking, about my return from new zealand, and her upcoming trip to canada. at one point, she exclaimed with the animation and vigour that is so typically her, that:
i'm still figuring out the balance between giving, and keeping, and giving everything yet keeping what should be kept. i know it sounds contradictory but i am convinced it isn't, i have a hunch there's a way to give all of myself, while keeping my heart safe. hard knocks, sometimes, but then they're just knocks, not like i've lost the path or anything. i haven't. God keeps my feet.
other things i'm still learning to understand: thinking and feeling, when to be thinking, when to be feeling. when to care, and when to let go- although i'm not quite there yet. right now it's still when to care, and when to block/deny/avoid.
i'm a matter of whens.
suddenly a memory coloured itself. gayle and i on the bus, on the way to dinner. talking, about my return from new zealand, and her upcoming trip to canada. at one point, she exclaimed with the animation and vigour that is so typically her, that:
rachel i know why you're like that, it's because you throw yourself so wholeheartedly into everything, and don't keep anything back for yourself, it's like you knew you were only going to new zealand for six months but you threw yourself into it, gave your whole heart, so that when you left, you left your whole heart there. rachellllll.
i'm still figuring out the balance between giving, and keeping, and giving everything yet keeping what should be kept. i know it sounds contradictory but i am convinced it isn't, i have a hunch there's a way to give all of myself, while keeping my heart safe. hard knocks, sometimes, but then they're just knocks, not like i've lost the path or anything. i haven't. God keeps my feet.
other things i'm still learning to understand: thinking and feeling, when to be thinking, when to be feeling. when to care, and when to let go- although i'm not quite there yet. right now it's still when to care, and when to block/deny/avoid.
i'm a matter of whens.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
* difficult. since when hasn't it been? but even then it was especially difficult. and more and more i am struck by my utter inadequacy to face their lives. when did leading/facilitating bible study become so difficult?? if only the older ones would come and take the reins.
* it has occured to me that this space has been, of late, in shambles. posts and thoughts thrown. thoughtlessly here, the owner not quite caring about the structure and order of the big picture. quizzes of epic proportions (this post will push one onto the archives page, thankfully. one down) on repeat, with the words 'i don't have time to deal, i'm still avoiding the whole thing', written all over them. it's not the questions i have been answering to, but the answers i have been splaying across this entire interface since mid march. it's coming to may now.
* it has occured to me that this space has been, of late, in shambles. posts and thoughts thrown. thoughtlessly here, the owner not quite caring about the structure and order of the big picture. quizzes of epic proportions (this post will push one onto the archives page, thankfully. one down) on repeat, with the words 'i don't have time to deal, i'm still avoiding the whole thing', written all over them. it's not the questions i have been answering to, but the answers i have been splaying across this entire interface since mid march. it's coming to may now.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
REACH OUT/HOLD BACK/WHERE IS SAFETY
The one who survives by making the lives of others worthwhile
The one who depends on the services she renders
To those who come knocking
She's seeing too clearly what she can't be
What understanding defies
*
And yet, I need not to need.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
happy faces :)
hearts sparklers! :))
unguarded moment heh
unguarded moment times two
ohjiamin! hahaha.
joy foo (((: and and and, she gave me a beootifoo monster box today!
very happy cz rachel loves presents :)
haha her face cracks me up every time i see this.
___________________________
okay the end.
happy birthday jeremy:) i liked your cake words, by the way. so much love. :)
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
okay officially going mad
1.ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
pierced my eyebrow
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
pencil drawings, scribblings, photos, cards
3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
talk when i'm really tired heh
4. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
to be in a certain other country
5. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO?
hmmm! idk man, probably some place that has significance to my partner and i. anddd. the guy had better ask my parents first!
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
HUNDRED PLUS :DD
17. FAVORITE CLOTHING?
dresses!
18. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
i highly doubt it.
19. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SCENT?
light blue, for me. and danny still needs to tell me what he wears!
20. FAVORITE QUOTE?
go check my fb profile :) there're a lot!
21. FAVORITE PLACE?
hush it'll be okay rachel
22. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
dude, i AM out of the us.
23. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
hrmm. toss-up between the smile, legs, personality, and other more and more perceptive things as per reader (of yours truly). that's quite a lot of tossing to be done huh.
24. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
no :((
25. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i'd want different things from different people i guess. but i'd only want smth from you if you mean smth to me. cz i'd want smth special. and you'd only know what i'd want as far as who i am to you.
26. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
4! Or 5.
genesis, sunshine, and an androgynous name like andy (if the baby's a girl). or alexis. okay there you go, 4 names. but they'll all have chinese names, def.
27. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
for now, i guess it's how some of them think they have the answer and the plan, all the time. you see i don't actually want your answer and your plan.
28. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKED ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
hrmm. my distance i guess. i get very little of that now.
29. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
dove, cz that's in the bathroom. then i condition with manuka oil from new zealand (scalp) and sunsilk for the hair. and once a week i use l'oreal's hair mask. not the type found in stores!! that one srsly doesn't work. had to use the shampoo when i was in the philippines and it was just bad. sticky feeling can you just say die now :S
30. ?DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS?
yes
31. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
hrmm. i'm still figuring this one out. nothing set in stone, i guess. but ref to this
32. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
rach, rachie, chel, ting, silly bean, pumpkin pie, and oh. ditz, bimbo, airhead, variations of the same theme. pixie was one of the oldest.
33. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
get the conclusion over and done with (feeling constipated srsly), and print notes to mug like, look through before my 30% test tmrw. gg me.
34. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?
how old?
35. LAST THING YOU ATE?
b&j's new york superfudge chunk! shared with mummy and daddy, jem and little brandon and i. -beams-
36. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
ooh, many things :OO
37. FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR?
<3s singapore weather
38. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
black with highlights i am not sure exist anymore.
39. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
:)
40. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
YTF at the deck! LAKSA okay no less. 2 more days till school ends, i'm eating it for the rest of the week!
41 WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE?
i used to think i would like to, like do the laundry, bake, cook and stuff like that. but increasingly i think i'm called to other things too.
42. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
i've had to limit myself for the past couple of weeks now. wait till the exams are over okay, i'll spam and you will only be able to find me in the library <3
43. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE.
eventful. it's always been eventful.
pierced my eyebrow
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
pencil drawings, scribblings, photos, cards
3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
talk when i'm really tired heh
4. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
to be in a certain other country
5. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO?
hmmm! idk man, probably some place that has significance to my partner and i. anddd. the guy had better ask my parents first!
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
HUNDRED PLUS :DD
17. FAVORITE CLOTHING?
dresses!
18. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
i highly doubt it.
19. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SCENT?
light blue, for me. and danny still needs to tell me what he wears!
20. FAVORITE QUOTE?
go check my fb profile :) there're a lot!
21. FAVORITE PLACE?
hush it'll be okay rachel
22. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
dude, i AM out of the us.
23. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
hrmm. toss-up between the smile, legs, personality, and other more and more perceptive things as per reader (of yours truly). that's quite a lot of tossing to be done huh.
24. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
no :((
25. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i'd want different things from different people i guess. but i'd only want smth from you if you mean smth to me. cz i'd want smth special. and you'd only know what i'd want as far as who i am to you.
26. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
4! Or 5.
genesis, sunshine, and an androgynous name like andy (if the baby's a girl). or alexis. okay there you go, 4 names. but they'll all have chinese names, def.
27. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
for now, i guess it's how some of them think they have the answer and the plan, all the time. you see i don't actually want your answer and your plan.
28. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKED ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
hrmm. my distance i guess. i get very little of that now.
29. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
dove, cz that's in the bathroom. then i condition with manuka oil from new zealand (scalp) and sunsilk for the hair. and once a week i use l'oreal's hair mask. not the type found in stores!! that one srsly doesn't work. had to use the shampoo when i was in the philippines and it was just bad. sticky feeling can you just say die now :S
30. ?DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS?
yes
31. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
hrmm. i'm still figuring this one out. nothing set in stone, i guess. but ref to this
32. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
rach, rachie, chel, ting, silly bean, pumpkin pie, and oh. ditz, bimbo, airhead, variations of the same theme. pixie was one of the oldest.
33. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
get the conclusion over and done with (feeling constipated srsly), and print notes to mug like, look through before my 30% test tmrw. gg me.
34. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?
how old?
35. LAST THING YOU ATE?
b&j's new york superfudge chunk! shared with mummy and daddy, jem and little brandon and i. -beams-
36. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
ooh, many things :OO
37. FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR?
<3s singapore weather
38. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
black with highlights i am not sure exist anymore.
39. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
:)
40. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
YTF at the deck! LAKSA okay no less. 2 more days till school ends, i'm eating it for the rest of the week!
41 WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE?
i used to think i would like to, like do the laundry, bake, cook and stuff like that. but increasingly i think i'm called to other things too.
42. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
i've had to limit myself for the past couple of weeks now. wait till the exams are over okay, i'll spam and you will only be able to find me in the library <3
43. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE.
eventful. it's always been eventful.
am i seeing a little better?
e says:
i want to travel too ):
chel says:
sigh
to be away
to be amongst beauty
and to rejoice in His handiwork
e says:
SIGH.
chel says:
you and i
our hearts are somewhere else
e says:
they are. i've been feeling incredibly disatisfied with life. which should not be so. we are living in a land flowing with milk and honey in Christ. we should be.
i spent the afternoon walking aimlessly in vivo. WHY.
i don't know. i didn't want to go home.
but i also didn't know where else to go
my days are becoming meaningless.
its like..mon, tues school. weds, thurs sometimes at s, fri school. saturday play piano for YAF, attend YAF. sunday church. cycle repeats.
its been like that since jan.
i'm sick of it.
chel says:
esp since after exchange huh
e says:
sigh.
where is your heart tonight
chel says:
new zealand
definitely
yours?
e says:
floating somewhere. doesn't know where.
finding. a home.
i keep waking up, these days, in the middle of the night, with this unexplainable heavy sadness
on the verge of crying. and i don't know why
i was talking to m, she said she has it too.
chel says:
AHHH TELL ME ABOUT IT
and and and . i know it's been a hard time for g too
and uh, p also
that's five of us!
e says:
this cannot be coincidental heartache hormones
chel says:
no i don't think so
really i don't think so
i've been suspecting this
ever since you and i have been sharing on msn
and you told me abt g + i follow her blog
and i talk with p too
and now m
5 of us!
no but the five of us. tearing and falling
i've probably cried more this past month, almost everyday, than the rest of my life put together
or really close
e says:
same. and i've been having fluctuating hormones like no one's business.
i've a pimple on MY ELBOW. AND MY SCALP.
evidence my friend.
chel says:
okay that's really-
significant
but srsly
why is this happening to us??
i mean
i know we girls get moody at times
but
to such a degree
and so prolonged
e says:
i know. i wonder if we're reinforcing it, in someway by sharing.
chel says:
no
i don't think so
no way
because i'm reacting over the events happening in my life
related around me
there's definitely a cause for mine
and p too; she's having certain events in her life i know it's not unfounded
and you and g over the wretchedness of life at least, if not more
i wonder
if God is trying to expand our hearts
pushing and stretching it
to take in the reality of life
and the state of the world (not that we even understand half as wretched it is)
e says:
if He is, i wish he'll sedate me first.
):
i think you're right. we are the idealistic young girls. on the verge of entering the working world.
its a breaking in period.
in all sense of the word
you know, during QT, recently, i noticed that my words have become more...i don't know weary and questioning.
it used to be...thank You for this that and the other. now it's Why this that and the other
peppered with i don't knows.
chel says:
YOU KNOW
you know
i think
i just know, that for you, you'll look back and see this as a period of really getting to know Him
we don't know what we don't question
do you see??
we don't know what we don't question
and we have to work through this period
walk through it
take step after step through the valley
tired and head drooping
i see it babe, for you.
and for you i am glad
e says:
i hope. i really hope.
and i'm tired. already.
goodnight you. mucho grande amour.
chel says:
love you too, muchly
we'll get through this okay
that's what our spinster sisterhood is for
seriously
we'll talk of this again
chan raak khun maak
i want to travel too ):
chel says:
sigh
to be away
to be amongst beauty
and to rejoice in His handiwork
e says:
SIGH.
chel says:
you and i
our hearts are somewhere else
e says:
they are. i've been feeling incredibly disatisfied with life. which should not be so. we are living in a land flowing with milk and honey in Christ. we should be.
i spent the afternoon walking aimlessly in vivo. WHY.
i don't know. i didn't want to go home.
but i also didn't know where else to go
my days are becoming meaningless.
its like..mon, tues school. weds, thurs sometimes at s, fri school. saturday play piano for YAF, attend YAF. sunday church. cycle repeats.
its been like that since jan.
i'm sick of it.
chel says:
esp since after exchange huh
e says:
sigh.
where is your heart tonight
chel says:
new zealand
definitely
yours?
e says:
floating somewhere. doesn't know where.
finding. a home.
i keep waking up, these days, in the middle of the night, with this unexplainable heavy sadness
on the verge of crying. and i don't know why
i was talking to m, she said she has it too.
chel says:
AHHH TELL ME ABOUT IT
and and and . i know it's been a hard time for g too
and uh, p also
that's five of us!
e says:
this cannot be coincidental heartache hormones
chel says:
no i don't think so
really i don't think so
i've been suspecting this
ever since you and i have been sharing on msn
and you told me abt g + i follow her blog
and i talk with p too
and now m
5 of us!
no but the five of us. tearing and falling
i've probably cried more this past month, almost everyday, than the rest of my life put together
or really close
e says:
same. and i've been having fluctuating hormones like no one's business.
i've a pimple on MY ELBOW. AND MY SCALP.
evidence my friend.
chel says:
okay that's really-
significant
but srsly
why is this happening to us??
i mean
i know we girls get moody at times
but
to such a degree
and so prolonged
e says:
i know. i wonder if we're reinforcing it, in someway by sharing.
chel says:
no
i don't think so
no way
because i'm reacting over the events happening in my life
related around me
there's definitely a cause for mine
and p too; she's having certain events in her life i know it's not unfounded
and you and g over the wretchedness of life at least, if not more
i wonder
if God is trying to expand our hearts
pushing and stretching it
to take in the reality of life
and the state of the world (not that we even understand half as wretched it is)
e says:
if He is, i wish he'll sedate me first.
):
i think you're right. we are the idealistic young girls. on the verge of entering the working world.
its a breaking in period.
in all sense of the word
you know, during QT, recently, i noticed that my words have become more...i don't know weary and questioning.
it used to be...thank You for this that and the other. now it's Why this that and the other
peppered with i don't knows.
chel says:
YOU KNOW
you know
i think
i just know, that for you, you'll look back and see this as a period of really getting to know Him
we don't know what we don't question
do you see??
we don't know what we don't question
and we have to work through this period
walk through it
take step after step through the valley
tired and head drooping
i see it babe, for you.
and for you i am glad
e says:
i hope. i really hope.
and i'm tired. already.
goodnight you. mucho grande amour.
chel says:
love you too, muchly
we'll get through this okay
that's what our spinster sisterhood is for
seriously
we'll talk of this again
chan raak khun maak
hello, am tired and was constructive today, but still sad.
it is-
hard to be a sister, hard to be a growing up girl. or maybe woman.
hard to be meek, hard to be present.
am-
hating tiffs, currently hating this heart of mine. why is it so sensitive why is it so caring.
missing other places, missing other people. missing twins.
wishing it wasn't so hard, wanting to be gone from myself.
tired of living for other people. being affected by them.
i
need to learn to care for myself, maybe. i think gina said something a little like that before. i miss gina.
feel heavy. i feel heavy and sad and wordless. and worthless.
don't want to care about anyone anymore. just want to hide away. or be with people who don't care about me. caring is a milstone around my neck and i am drowning in care by care.
tonight is the perfect night to be with the twins. i want them but i don't care to show it so they will be comfortable with me.
want the twins. don't want anyone else.
want to be happy again please.
it is-
hard to be a sister, hard to be a growing up girl. or maybe woman.
hard to be meek, hard to be present.
am-
hating tiffs, currently hating this heart of mine. why is it so sensitive why is it so caring.
missing other places, missing other people. missing twins.
wishing it wasn't so hard, wanting to be gone from myself.
tired of living for other people. being affected by them.
i
need to learn to care for myself, maybe. i think gina said something a little like that before. i miss gina.
feel heavy. i feel heavy and sad and wordless. and worthless.
don't want to care about anyone anymore. just want to hide away. or be with people who don't care about me. caring is a milstone around my neck and i am drowning in care by care.
tonight is the perfect night to be with the twins. i want them but i don't care to show it so they will be comfortable with me.
want the twins. don't want anyone else.
want to be happy again please.
Monday, April 06, 2009
Hullo,
I have been tired, i still am tired. But I like this new template; it is structured and orderly, and perhaps in external certainty I can be too, through osmosis or something. Maybe I will be getting better soon, I might.
*
I have been thinking these days (alright what's new). But now I can't remember much, what.
I told matthew earlier today that I'm not really a reality person, I think, I capture experiences in terms of concepts/issues/feelings, especially feelings. So when I try to recall... I don't have much to go on. And it's true. I'm never able to remember much. I think I do, but I don't, not really. I have snippets of still shots in what I can remember, where I see myself and hannah up at the gallery overlooking the hall, studying, which is ridiculous because if it's my memory I shouldn't be able to see myself.
I could go on, but I suppose the point that matters at this juncture is that I'm feeling like. like a non-person. I don't have memories of events or experiences, for reasons i can't fanthom I remember in feelings, in smells. And these are such stupid ways to record moments and lives and years.
It sucks to feel like a non-person. Or to conclude myself as not much of a reality person. As though somehow I have been out of touch with reality all the years of growing up, and I cannot remember my secondary school days in the ways that matter. I could try to tell funny stories about unforgettable events, but is the storage in my head so little that the mundane details pour out the way water spills out of a jar? Tonight, I want to remember reality, I want to remember the mundane details that made up the days of my life, that matter.
*
About post below- thanks, for the people who showed care and asked after me one way or another, comments msn conversations thanks guys. It's good to know you're there.
*
I've been talking heaps with pearlyn lately, which i am very content about.
Her restlessness I have caught; now what I want is also a field and some sky, to sit and think with the wind.
*
Or maybe, maybe, I'm just bored.
That I need something to burn this restless pacing off, again and again, to melt and resolidfy, but maybe this time I won't settle for pretty tinsel in the wind.
I have been tired, i still am tired. But I like this new template; it is structured and orderly, and perhaps in external certainty I can be too, through osmosis or something. Maybe I will be getting better soon, I might.
*
I have been thinking these days (alright what's new). But now I can't remember much, what.
I told matthew earlier today that I'm not really a reality person, I think, I capture experiences in terms of concepts/issues/feelings, especially feelings. So when I try to recall... I don't have much to go on. And it's true. I'm never able to remember much. I think I do, but I don't, not really. I have snippets of still shots in what I can remember, where I see myself and hannah up at the gallery overlooking the hall, studying, which is ridiculous because if it's my memory I shouldn't be able to see myself.
I could go on, but I suppose the point that matters at this juncture is that I'm feeling like. like a non-person. I don't have memories of events or experiences, for reasons i can't fanthom I remember in feelings, in smells. And these are such stupid ways to record moments and lives and years.
It sucks to feel like a non-person. Or to conclude myself as not much of a reality person. As though somehow I have been out of touch with reality all the years of growing up, and I cannot remember my secondary school days in the ways that matter. I could try to tell funny stories about unforgettable events, but is the storage in my head so little that the mundane details pour out the way water spills out of a jar? Tonight, I want to remember reality, I want to remember the mundane details that made up the days of my life, that matter.
*
About post below- thanks, for the people who showed care and asked after me one way or another, comments msn conversations thanks guys. It's good to know you're there.
*
I've been talking heaps with pearlyn lately, which i am very content about.
Her restlessness I have caught; now what I want is also a field and some sky, to sit and think with the wind.
*
Or maybe, maybe, I'm just bored.
That I need something to burn this restless pacing off, again and again, to melt and resolidfy, but maybe this time I won't settle for pretty tinsel in the wind.
Friday, April 03, 2009
i still remember i am blessed.
it's been, years, since i've last been like this. breaking down just about every night. it's been for a couple of weeks now.
just went through one event, then another comes.
God, what are You trying to teach me?
i know i have issues, and a heart softer than i would like it to be, but do i have to fling myself on my bed night after night, sobbing, until i am out of tears and can only stare blankly at the screen, drained and weary?
but when all's said and done, i am still in a far better state than i know i was in the previous times, where i hid a knife in the room so that i could cut myself.
just went through one event, then another comes.
God, what are You trying to teach me?
i know i have issues, and a heart softer than i would like it to be, but do i have to fling myself on my bed night after night, sobbing, until i am out of tears and can only stare blankly at the screen, drained and weary?
but when all's said and done, i am still in a far better state than i know i was in the previous times, where i hid a knife in the room so that i could cut myself.
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