reflections; or, the aftermath

Dear God,

so it's over. surreal, really. that there are no more meetings, no more plannings, no more rehearsals. i suppose it's true, we are creatures of habit and. more than that, i'm saying what i honestly thought i never would: i miss it. although i guess if i'd thought about it a bit more i would have known all along i would, ultimately. serving You brings a joy and ache in transposition.

bet You're pleased i confess that =Pp i really never thought i would though! it was dreadful along the way, the troughs and trudgings that meant for a period, i dreaded checking my mail. i determined to never, ever, serve again- i'm so glad i'm wrong :) that i find myself willing to take leave for the next children's camp.

it's over, it's over. feels like i lost more weight during the course, which would be kind of messed up. and my voice is a mortality count, along with my pride and rebelliousness. ohwell. these things have multiple lives.

thank You, for who You are. that Your Body here on earth is such a beautiful one- when it comes together and lives for You. a tiny glimpse/a dark shadow of the magnified gloriousness of eternity, when we are wonderfully righteous, never more to fall. i can't, can't, can't, can't wait for that day, Father. :)

i love love love love love You.

Amen.

but i need something more

"No, Mom," he sniffled, eyes wide as saucers as he plead his case, "I mean I twied and twied to tell my body not to do it, but it happened anyway on an accident. I didn't mean it. My bwain told my body not to, but it leaned in anyway and then it opened my mouth. I tried weally hard to close my mouth but it just bit down on her. It was all an accident! I pwomise."

I am not a softy when it comes to discipline. But, seriously, if that wasn't the best argument of sin nature I have ever heard!"

Honey, that is not an accident. That is sin. You cannot sin in your anger."

We talked very briefly (and in 6 year old terms) about what Paul wrote in Romans:
What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.
But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up.
Romans 7:15-21 (The Message)

lotsofscotts.blogspot.com

so many thoughts about this i don't know what to think. what's right, what's wrong, through whose perspective. anger flares up, dies down, or else held on and curt. is grace really misunderstood today? what does that mean? i don't know. it looks like mistrust, unkindness and condemnation but things could always be construed another way.

i do know what i wished we look like though.

God, please?

and i wish i was the wisest, most perceptive and discerning of all, so that i could have an answer that made sense to help you get through it.
and i wish i was the gentlest, with the most winning of ways, that i would be able to hand you that bitter pill to swallow.
or i wish i had all power in the world, so i could change your situation and you would be happy again.

i'm really banking on the promise that prayer works though. that God will hear, and my God who is able to do immeasurably above all that we ask or think, will bless you, and keep you, and give you grace. and do all that i wish i could, cuz He can.

today i read through romans 7 & 8.

resounding.