today

-i am trying to be sensible. because i figure time will bring events that will tell, and it is no use my dreaming.
-i am twenty one and a day, which sounds nice and grand, and a fine thing to be.
-i realised that my sandals are kicked further out onto the corridor than any one else's. i wonder what they think.
-yuzhan insisted that i didn't know who he was, and after a while we found out that he was right. and i am glad he was right, because i am much fonder of the person he is than the one i thought he was, and because he insisted.
-i ate two more of hannah's cookies. which brings the total count to eight, or eleven, or ten. and there is a space between the jar cover and the cookie level now. i think i shall grow bigger by the time the cookie jar is depleted.
-i am glad. even if there are only the same amount of eventful things, and dreadful things.
-i am lax about my grammar.

tea and sympathy

GAHHHHHH.
January 25, 2008

draw a line in the sand,
then make a stand.
im not pleased. not at all.
it takes 2 to clap.
and frankly, the hand's bit tired now,
suspended in the air.
youd better be grateful.
and dont you dare play the guilt card anymore.
one time. thats all you get.

____________________________________________

I am grateful.
What exactly did I do, what does it mean by the guilt card.
I'm sorry all I get is one time.

I'm afraid of your temper, learnt to thread jerkily because I've never known which way the shards will fly. Except that this time it seems I've incurred more than just a temper.
And because I don't know when you'll cool down, and I don't want to make things worse than they already are by saying hi too soon, I'll stay away.

It's just. the realisation that's a bit hard to swallow, that comes from this: all we were ever worth for, all these years, it's been traded in for this.
and I've gotten my only time, so I suppose

fare thee well

alfredo is almost dead.


alongside this, first the knowledge itself, then the losing of everything that's in there, the yesterday where box after box popped up telling me each file that was failing, the afternoon spent clicking at each box, black screen blue screen beeping noises. the issues thereafter that must be dealt with, and another incident altogether is a feeling.

The feeling really, really sucks.

ulty

After more than three years, back on the pickup fields, and over a conversation, I figure out why.

I never really sought the answer as to why I don't join the leagues, tournies, or hats. I haven't even gone down regularly for pickup since 2005 ended. Mostly it was a feeling thing. During pickup I'd feel uncomfortable, and sometimes after too. And since I am mostly a simple person when it comes to these things- avoid if it makes you not feel happy- I rarely do frisbee unless pressed, even though I actually like the sport. And if people ask, just wrinkle up the nose. Look perplexed. Usually works.

But I suppose three years and three months is long enough, and thus came the inevitable. Such a simple answer, really.

I get frustrated on the fields because I don't play as well as I think I should. I bring all my netball movements on the pitch, which isn't the way to go. Different styles, but I haven't yet caught on. Not smooth not smooth and I kick myself. Why do I take so long to learn.

The same goes for my tossing. I throw like a rookie. And look so ungainly compared to the long graceful arches and swings of the others. So I kick myself some more. And really, kicking isn't very fun. So I don't really go. Simple.



I just had to put this down. Realising a three year snag is quite a significant thing, you know.

because i need to organise my head

hullo. Things are moving too fast for me, these monday tuesday wednesday s.

Major things on my plate this half of a year-
: Planning for ag missions trip[s?]
: My birthday party. which, by the way, is a mixture of these faces :), :S, and :O.
: Moving from home to hall to home to hall to home to hall, again and again my mouth shapes either of these sounds as my states of reality change again and again and again. I fare badly in circumstances of uncertainty, and this one has been. wearing at times. So is it really hall now?
: Preparing for new zealand. Or maybe I should be truthful and call it, preparing to move away, to another continent alone for half a year. Oh so many things to do, so draining to think about them.

Minor/Routine things-
: Weekly preps for my sunday school lessons with my girls
: Sudden events, like mark's birthday party tonight, which I only became aware of a night ago. I hate waiting when I'm simply waiting to get something over and done with. Happy birthday mark. I'm sorry I can stay only for an hour, which totally takes the fun out. Because it feels like I'm only going there to show face. But these days I listen to my parents.



breathe.

these birthday things

yes I know it's coming soon. but oh, I don't know. I don't know how to pull it together. ):

Hullo. Please say goodbye.

Dear Student,

NUS/SEP: Semester 1 and Full Year Exchange, AY2008/09 Selection Results

We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected by the Faculty of Arts & Social Sciences for the Student Exchange Programme (SEP) to:

Victoria University of Wellington, New Zealand.

Please access the OPAS from Thursday, 10 January 2008 to Accept/Reject the offer online at https://aces01.nus.edu.sg/VOPSEP/Login. The deadline for the acceptance is Monday, 21 January 2008. We suggest that you read the content here very carefully and in detail.

If you wish to accept this offer, please apply and prepare the documents needed for the assigned partner university immediately. Please prepare the following documents together with a copy of the SEP checklist (http://www.fas.nus.edu.sg/docs/sep/sep-pdf/appl_forms/sep_checklist.pdf ) and submit to the Dean's Office latest by 5.00 pm, Wednesday, 13 February 2008. You should arrange to get these items as soon as you can as they will take time to prepare.

Regards,
SHIRLEY KOH (Ms)
Senior Admin Officer (International Relations)
Dean's office
Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences
National University of Singapore

i would bring you to never never land for a year or two

Hullo Tuesday.
Today I chose to walk by the back path. I thought it'd make a nice change. It did, and I think I might be doing it more often. There are trees there, and grass.
But what I really want to say is, I saw a little short haired baby girl crying today, while walking by the back path with trees and grass, carried by a lady who probably was her mother. Mothers are getting older these days. Anyway. She was crying for her jiejie, and it was evident she really wanted her.




I thought of you, my dear นอน ต้ง. I'm guessing your name here; I don't know how it's written. Because we only met one sunday, and then once more, two days later, when I told you I was leaving to go back to singapore.

nonting, dichan pay singapore liao, [nonting, I'm going back to singapore]
khun gaochay may? [do you understand?]

It took maybe two minutes for those words to stumble out of my mouth, with my anglophilically wired brain and aching heart working against me; or maybe it was a breath's span instead. Because you simply nodded your head and toddled back across the dusty road, back to your nicely built house with concrete walls and pillared patio. Away from the wire mesh of a fence that I kneeled against to be at your level.



I'm remembering our sunday now. I noticed you very early on, one quiet baby girl amidst a boisterious motley crowd. But you, you were a dignified baby and even when we were decorating our christmas stars with glitter you held your own ground. It was later on in the evening that we made friends. I made you laugh again and again, chasing you around the playground, making monster sounds and you screaming because we knew that when I caught you, you'd be tickled and swung into the air. After awhile we both got tired, so I carried you and we looked for a sii shompu [pink] balloon for you.

And what a quandary you gave me at the end of the night, when you announced that you didn't want to go home. "nonting, pay baan may?" "may pay baan."
:"nonting, go home?"
:"no go home"
was a conversation we reeled around and around. I tried other means, asking you if you were hungry, if you were tired, if you wanted to go home. But my dear, dear kissable baby you caught me completely off guard when you tearfully decided that yes, you were hungry, tired, and wanted to go home, but that you'd eat with me, sleep beside me, and make my home yours. dara mentioned that you were clever, but she never said you were a lawyer in pint size. We tried really hard to convince you to go home, but even grace gave up after you expressed your willingness to follow me back to singapore. She exclaimed that it was impossible, and what spell did I cast on this dear child. I don't know. I loved you. But it was getting late, and they were closing the gates, so in the end I carried you back to your home, feeling like a traitor all the way.

Later on, they told me you cried after I let you down. My silky haired child. I wanted to cry too. I would have brought you back with me, petting you all the way. I would have brought you to the lecture theatres, the tutorial rooms, only making sure that you were well-covered up because nus' rooms get freezing cold sometimes. And everyone would have fallen in love with you, because you are a grand toddler gifted with chubby cheeks, pretty hair and the unbottleable baby fragrance that captured my heart.
Please don't grow up too much before I see you again.




And so, I rouse myself from december memories and move along to. a certain planitive dream. I want to record it down. I dreamt that I was back in school, in junior college. Maybe there was a prior scene of wild patterns in black borders, like art pieces hung on tall walls, and I might have been relatively happy too, but whether accurate or otherwise I am fairly certain I was dreaming in colour. I remember the school's light yellow walls around the concourse. More details are returning. I was back, visiting, and it was orientation time. So year1 kids were everywhere, and because my dream included a swimming pool in my school there was a lot of water. Yes, I think I was happy. I remember laughing with friends. But then something happened something shifted I I I did something wrong. Something unrememberdly wrong. Because the next scene they put me in, I was alone and maybe I was scared. I remember my thoughts somewhat disjointed flashing rapidly ah the front office I will seek comfort there the hods all love me but I was dressed wrong or something- nothing suprising considering the number of rules I broke and got away with avoid the front door the clark might make noise run run run the back and suddenly in the quiet bit where ahead begins the corridor with soft echos and suddenslams of locker doors, and the back door of the staffroom is behind a protruding wall my thoughts react it's all black! I am thrown into black and grey and silence my feet and heart are pounding as I run to the door but somehow in despair I know the door's closed and it's dark inside there's no one mrs beh it's me one half of the guardian of the white board i've come to scribble on it i've been away for so long mrs beh isn't there.

i miss my boys :(

Taken during teachers' day. Went back because they asked me to, and we played frisbee until I had to run back to nus for class. They got me that giant stuffed toy [whose species I still haven't figured out], and the little turtle thing amongst others. The ball, I think I'm clutching because they wouldn't have settled down enough to take the photo otherwise. Boys. (:
ahhhh miss them.

from left to right: nic tan, andrew tai, madam, jlow, sk/shangkai/bangkai, brandon, random boy who joined us, janan

with my hair in a braid

Failed, completely failed my post mortem of 2007. Tried, and have half an entry to show for it, although right now it's a soft pile of dust sitting quietly under the drafts section. Gray, and rather like an abandoned pile of linen. Soft, and powdering into nothingness.

And for some reason, I'm caring terribly about a certain relationship I have with someone. Worrying that I'm losing the friendship, that we're going zoom from full marks to zero, to negative, to... Which is ridiculous because I am fairly sure it's all on my side, and am therefore being a big silly. And because these forays into melodrama are self-descructive, I shall have to stop caring. Because I'm caring for nothing.

Here I am, on my first attempt at being sensible. Hiphiphooray. Maybe it's a good sign for 2008.

starting 2008 with...

My family :)