hullo my dears,

here's the next was-hideyhole.

(:

the magnitude of the hope we have in Christ Jesus

It is an injustice to say that Jesus Christ labored in redemption to make me a saint. Jesus Christ labored in redemption to redeem the whole world and to place it perfectly whole and restored before the throne of God. The fact that we can experience redemption illustrates the power of its reality, but that experience is a byproduct and not the goal of redemption. If God were human, how sick and tired He would be of the constant requests we make for our salvation and for our sanctification. We burden His energies from morning till night asking for things for ourselves or for something from which we want to be delivered!

Oswald Chambers

me and my sunnies/were so good together

talking about eating humble pie; just swallowed my first one

engaging with prof and his povs of God is an exercise in difficulty, i find myself hardened with stock answers and thickened christian skin. in my struggle to reply i probably gave no response he hasn't heard before and the entire process was painful.

God give me authenticity.

and i can only pray

received mongolia gifts today.

they were each precious in their own way, from bayarmaa's news about the encroaching winter over there (although it would be spring by now) to photos that i am dealing very detachedly with at the moment; i can't afford to relieve memories still. i smiled especially at the newsletter, imagining shagai and barnabas working on the language. but realising one of the testimonies was written by chemee suddenly made the whole thing awfully personal.

many times i wish we kept in touch better, that language isn't a barrier. and by keeping in touch i mean that i wish there was some way to hear their voice, and see their selves; tall chemee and amaraa, bayarmaa and bujee, luunda- luunda and his mischiveous fellowship, dorka, dulu, iceman (enke?), uugna- to see them, hear their laughter, to run and play with them;

often its just jumbled voices and unexpressed longings in my head, pictures and still frames my mind still keeps and sometimes animates. and the memories are almost always green. such is the beauty of mongolia

how do we manage to wrap ourselves with dough layers between who we are and our memories, the soft barrier that keeps reality from cutting us too deeply. reality is the distance away from me and mongolia, fatality is how i don't miss new zealand anymore. we all learn to cope eventually, and die a little elsewhere. who i have been most immediately is emptied of mongolia.
and in so doing i have forsaken myself.

- the more i talk with godly people around me the more i see how unfit i am to be leading ifgbs. still, as gina said today, wisdom comes from making mistakes. i concede that at least sometimes it does. shall prepare myself to be eating much humble pie this sem then; already i have been. vcf is filled with people who silence me with their love, for God and for others.

- many things have been happening recently, am excited. especially over today; seeing gina and spending an afternoon with her was a very, very special treat and blessing from God. i shall count it as my birthday present from Him. :)

- there are things to do, and there are things to think about. the former are often about God, related stuff, funky ism. the latter have these days been about broken.ness; who i am, and the memories i have.

times unchanging

hidden in a room in eh, rain's started freefalling freewheeling;
wind comes through softly
a duvet around me
the tabletop glows

it's pretty much one of those days when you've got important stuff to do, like module plannings and various other major deadlines, but all you can think of is reading yancey and lucado on turbo and

how i hate goodbyes.

I heard the voice of the Lord, saying: ’Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?’ Then I said, ’Here am I! Send me’ —Isaiah 6:8

God did not direct His call to Isaiah— Isaiah overheard God saying, ". . . who will go for Us?". Also that the call of God is not just for a select few but for everyone. Whether I hear God’s call or not depends on the condition of my ears, and exactly what I hear depends upon my spiritual attitude. "Many are called, but few are chosen" (Matthew 22:14). That is, few prove that they are the chosen ones. The chosen ones are those who have come into a relationship with God through Jesus Christ and have had their spiritual condition changed and their ears opened. Then they hear "the voice of the Lord" continually asking, ". . . who will go for Us?" However, God doesn’t single out someone and say, "Now, you go." He did not force His will on Isaiah. Isaiah was in the presence of God, and he overheard the call. His response, performed in complete freedom, could only be to say, "Here am I! Send me."

Remove the thought from your mind of expecting God to come to force you or to plead with you. When our Lord called His disciples, He did it without irresistible pressure from the outside. The quiet, yet passionate, insistence of His "Follow Me" was spoken to men whose every sense was receptive (Matthew 4:19). If we will allow the Holy Spirit to bring us face to face with God, we too will hear what Isaiah heard-"the voice of the Lord." In perfect freedom we too will say, "Here am I! Send me."

My Utmost for His Highest

Sashimi buffet on thursday; I'm excited just thinking about it, yes i am. (:

(although, it'll be 3 days closer to seeing you go)

the failure of self-sufficiency

"And when He had spoken this, He said to him, ’Follow Me’ " (John 21:19). Three years earlier Jesus had said, "Follow Me" (Matthew 4:19), and Peter followed with no hesitation. The irresistible attraction of Jesus was upon him and he did not need the Holy Spirit to help him do it. Later he came to the place where he denied Jesus, and his heart broke. Then he received the Holy Spirit and Jesus said again, "Follow Me" (John 21:19). Now no one is in front of Peter except the Lord Jesus Christ. The first "Follow Me" was nothing mysterious; it was an external following. Jesus is now asking for an internal sacrifice and yielding (see John 21:18 ).

Between these two times Peter denied Jesus with oaths and curses (see Matthew 26:69-75). But then he came completely to the end of himself and all of his self-sufficiency. There was no part of himself he would ever rely on again. In his state of destitution, he was finally ready to receive all that the risen Lord had for him. ". . . He breathed on them, and said to them, ’Receive the Holy Spirit’ " (John 20:22 ). No matter what changes God has performed in you, never rely on them. Build only on a Person, the Lord Jesus Christ, and on the Spirit He gives.

All our promises and resolutions end in denial because we have no power to accomplish them. When we come to the end of ourselves, not just mentally but completely, we are able to "receive the Holy Spirit." "Receive the Holy Spirit "— the idea is that of invasion. There is now only One who directs the course of your life, the Lord Jesus Christ.

Oswald Chambers.

&.

hello, i'm back.

so long, farewell/auf weidersehen, good-bye

dear readers,

you'll be the first to know; i'm closing down doingthekiwi.wordpress.

too much has happened in the past two years of its existence; i'm very glad it was there for me as a site of memory, and i still enjoy reading the entire collection of posts and whatnots, so it was rather a difficult decision.

having said that, i can't see myself staying there. i've changed so much in these two years as to desire a fresh place with which to work out Life, reflections and all that jazz.

dtk started out as a place for me whilst on exchange (and many of you will know i also did it as an open, unlocked site as opposed to this one) and now i realise its purpose might have been apt in more ways than one. in a sense, dtk also served whilst i was in transit, through the 20ish period.
i've done so many things in these two years, took in so many lessons, wrestled with so many issues. and while i'm definitely still in the growing, it's a happier one now. it's true, you know, that with the hard stuff comes patience, and patience, experience; and experience, hope. i've seen it in my own life enough to know i can sing a song of hope for the next few years while i yet grow more. and this is, i think, the crucial difference between who i was at the start of dtk and who i am now. i know, i know that there is hope. romans 5!

and so, i will pack my backpack, and move.

the current plan is to leave doingthekiwi and reopen this site(!). amazing right. haha. after 2 and a half years of being locked. cf july 11th 2009. however, i'm not sure if i will continue writing here, or begin at a new address. if i do the latter, i might not write here anymore. more than 5 years of process, this site holds. haha.

either way, i have at least a month to decide. will be away till early january, being in and out of singapore. chol! my retreat/refuge, am wholeheartedly looking forward to this. this entire year has been... intense. will reflect upon it when hiding in the mountains of chiang mai.

so anyway, this will remain locked till january, after which it will be reopened and possibly or not continued. whichever it materialises, you'll be the first to know.

because i love you most.

auf weidersehen, goodbye,

rachie

i can't make paragraphs =Pp

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another.

Galatians 5:22-26

"Each is a different aspect of Christlikeness. In the Gospels, we see how Christ exemplified these virtues. Now He wants to produce them in our hearts—in what we say, how we think, and how we respond to life (John 15:1-4)".

if i had these characteristics in me... you know what? i want them.

which, conversely also means that my flesh has to die. crucified, at that.

sigh. it would hurt like... the whole past year, and then some, i'm guessing. which is kind of unnverving. oh but look what i pasted on gayle's blog yesterday:

Whenever God takes us through the land of affliction, He will do two things through that affliction:

1) He will bring such healing that we will be able to forget the pain, and

2) He will make us fruitful from the painful experiences.

there's always hope for us who believe in Christ. Always. with reality as it is, you can't ask for more than that. a hope that stands the test of time, that is proven, that is independent of circumstance.

i think i'm... a really mishapen person. i have like all these issues and pasts and falsities and downright arrogance, which makes me think of a doll-like figure that has layers and layers of steamed dough draped around it, unevenly; i'm a michelin doll gone horrifically wrong.

so. after all that reflection. i reiterate: i want to be fruit. i want to be loving, joyful, in peace, longsuffering, gentle, good, faithful, meek, temperant.

(okay everyone get ready to see the posts for the next year, HAH)

God works in mud.

from crazy love book:

Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives.

Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control.

it's just difficult. to see suffering in the world.

on food

sell the vatican! or our church.

i know i have that megahuge uni loan to pay off, and that people who work on social issues are hardly ever rich, and that oswald chambers really doesn't like people who tell God they wanna do this this this, but i'm going to stick my neck out and tell God: God, I really wanna get my hands dirty. pronto. in Your time, and in Your way, and without me being put behind bars for neglecting that ridiculous sum of money. ahhh! amen.