heart herder

Guard well, this heart of yours
It must not fly where it will-

There is no hope there.

In spite of what it sighs.

Heart, what is wrong
with you?
Why do you not forget

Though you seek to walk the stairs

I will stay you.

I would like to be honest, tonight. The path to refreshing my heart, it's been hard, and sometimes it doesn't feel like a refreshing at all. I try to stay true, and walk the straightest I can, but it seems I stumble along like a fool. I wish I could ride the storm with my head held higher, but my heart batters me with a longing that is louder than words, and my clumsy principles - it has no voice. The flame flickers and is oh, so small and weak. Often, times like now, I have absolutely, completely no answer as to why I do not turn back and knock on the door.

It's hard to find the words, to speak. I try, but the cards I draw are a blank, again and again, and my mind cannot fill them. How do I describe what I feel, when I cannot answer why I asked for this? And even as I accuse my heart of battering me, it has itself been hard hit. It feels responsible when I remember my grievence was not only towards myself, that another had to care too. It tugs at me when little memories and reminders surface, oh I wish I could be less vague, that I could explain myself. That I am not dumb when questioned.

Just- why did we not behave ourselves, to the point where this was what I choose.
But I know there will come a time when I forget why I wrote this entry at all. I'll wait till then. I'll wait it out. 

there ain't no woofer in my room, no more