Today’s Tuesday.. and finally I am able to- allowed to- write. It’s been quite queasy the last few days.. I’ve had so many words bubbling and boiling inside me, each one scrambling over the other in a bid to come up tops, to be heard. Only to reach a roof at the top of the cavern. An impenetrable, Word-Nullifier roof that inexorably slammed each word down to the sandy floor of the cave again. And more words tried to climb up and out.
Life’s really quirky. I finished my As with an irregularity report filed against me, slumped down on my chair. Yet I think that even if I didn’t have that report I wouldn’t have been screaming with euphoria the way some of the others were. I’d rehearsed it in my head so many times, countless times, in immeasurable ways. Explored all the possibilities. Fly out of the hall? Cartwheel down the ramp? Screech with Infinite Joy? Notwithstanding that I can’t do the last two.
I ended the paper before the time. Did a little pump-in-the-air and a little mental jig around the chair. There was a deep, certain satisfaction that enveloped me. For awhile.
I spent the rest of the day in church. Saturday morning found me in the rainforests of Singapore, running along the mud tracks and getting lost with Darrell. heh. Later on the ghosts of the air saw me playing wet games, getting soaking wet and then sitting on a plastic bag in the evening in kel’s car, trying desperately not to dampen even an inch of his luxurious, oh-so-comfy car. Spent the night in Sentosa with people I missed a lot, and then kel sent me home with a headache.
Started pmsing majorly on Sunday. I’ve stopped.
Throughout the weekend I was numb. As though somebody had coated me with quality Numbing Paint that left me feeling with the inside, but the pores were lacquered shut and wisps of madness couldn’t caper around the room. Any room. Perhaps I’m so used to feeling [for want of a better word] pressured that I’ve forgotten any other way. Even now that I’m [theoretically] free I load myself with Things To Do. Events that are supposed to be relaxing become its antithesis because the Self needs to feel directed.
It’s true. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and Another Place make strange bedfellows in my head. Companionable, though rather awkward sometimes.
Before school ended I went for an interview with mrs kor, pjc’s hod in gp. She told me I was her second, if not first choice should they require a teacher. Last Saturday after the run mrs wee [pe hod] told me that a primary school in woodlands needed a teacher. Both positions for six months, same pay. One far away, one close to me. I love pj, I do. It’d have been a source of joy for me to teach gp in pjc. Woodlands is far away, is foreign.
But it’s a confirmed slot.
For pjc, I’d have to wait till mid December before I get any news. Even then it isn’t certain that I’ve secured the place. It depends on how many year ones there will be next year, as well as the number of teachers moe will send. And I must let mrs wee know by this week. I told her I'll tell her today. My heart is quite heavy actually. mommy proposed that I stay at my god grandparents’ home during the duration of my teaching course, since god grandpa john teaches in woodlands too. He can send me, well, somewhere close I suppose. But it’s so strange! I know and like them but to sojourn in a slightly familiar house for five, six months.. I’d rather live in a completely unfamiliar house. The obligations would then be merely that of strangers, and I am perfuctionary in that. It is living in a house that knows my parents well that I shy away from. Knowing my parents well is not tantamount to knowing me well. Will adults never learn?
On a side note, I’m quite surprised that mommy thought of it. I mean. She’s the one who cried so hard when my brother first went to live in the singapore sports’ school. What am I to do?
Maybe. I should quit pondering and be grateful that I have been provided two job offers so easily, whereas hundreds of other applicants have to wait via the system. Take what I can. sigh. Maybe it’s like, a trial run of hostel life next year. I need the money.
Guess I’ll go.
I guess I don’t really know what to say. I feel alienated.. having to make decisions on my own. To. In a way. Grow Up. Is this what being mature means? To make choices and then find the guts to stick with them? Maybe I’m a sucker for emotional hemorrhage. Maybe.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
hello!
okay this is just an extremely short post to ALL THOSE WHO LEFT COMMENTS ON MY PREVIOUS POST (: yupp. thanks for being part of me.
yes darling erica I got back my notes!!! Some little girl called the school and they called me and I called her and she said hougang at eight-and I live in bt timah SO- I called daddy and daddy said he'll settle it and he did!
I GOT MY NOTES BACK!!! =D
yupp. :)
Friday. I AM READY.
[did I mention I love you girls? (:]
and yes al I'll do your thing. uhh soon. haha. and yes mindy I'll do your thing too! soon too. haha.
yes darling erica I got back my notes!!! Some little girl called the school and they called me and I called her and she said hougang at eight-and I live in bt timah SO- I called daddy and daddy said he'll settle it and he did!
I GOT MY NOTES BACK!!! =D
yupp. :)
Friday. I AM READY.
[did I mention I love you girls? (:]
and yes al I'll do your thing. uhh soon. haha. and yes mindy I'll do your thing too! soon too. haha.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Recap on the Second week of the As.
Okayy I really don’t have much time but I figured it was good to bang something out on the com to, capture the week I guess. I mean. If there’s a ‘Recap on the first week of the As’ then there should be a recap on the second right?
And anyway it’s my blog so I’ll write. grin.
For the record, I had econs and prac crit. And an acquired tummy after pigging out on Friday. =/. ohwell.
Econs was…
okay I really don’t know. I mean. I don’t have a good feeling about all the papers taken so far? L What else can I say? I’m really not looking forward to feb2006.
Yet I can’t help but feel that such words show a lack of faith that remonstrates against me. Because God HAS been good. Not good in the way we expect. God’s ways aren’t ours you know. So no, while I haven’t been blessed with a sudden mysterious influx of wisdom nor do I feel that I deserve this because I HAVE been studying these past two years…
I was talking with vincent the other day and he was like “if you have been honouring God He’ll honour you”. I think it works differently? I mean. there are many many godly people who don’t succeed in the secular world.
God has a blueprint laid out in our lives. If it involves bad A level results, what will I say? That I will turn away from Him? surely not. If I can’t trust God with my life who can I trust?
“Blessed be your name/When the sun’s shinning down on me/When the world’s all as it should be/Blessed be your name.
Blessed be your name/On the road marked with suffering/Though there’s pain in the offering/Blessed be your name.”
Look at Paul. A Roman by citizenship [which meant he was free born, a very big thing then], and a Pharisee- which meant that he not only knew his stuff, but knew if well enough to teach AND live it out. So highly educated.
Yet he spent the latter part of his life shuttling from prison to prison, bound by chains and kept in cramped dark cells under the ground where food and drink was let down by a rope. But look at what he achieved for God!
ay. I have been doing my work. So come feb2006, no matter what I get, I will give thanks because. It’s part of God’s plan for me, and somehow, ALL things work together for good to them that love Him.
Oh I almost forgot to mention that I lost all my Gothic notes. sigh. This morning on the bus on the way to church. Okay I have some stuff [for which I am eternally grateful –see? Count little blessings] but well. It is easy to continue berating myself for such asinine carelessness. At least I have Hannah with me (: the darling studies with me and yes she takes lit; otherwise, who will I turn to? A second blessing to count on I suppose. No need to suppose. Hannah is a blessing.
I don’t know what the future holds- I just live from day to day at the moment. I don’t borrow from the sunshine- for the skies may turn to grey. Yet. I don’t worry over the future, for I know what Jesus said. And today, I’ll walk beside Him, for He knows what is ahead.
[It’s from a song.. and it has been a great source of comfort for me.]
Well. Two papers left. Both lit. It’s getting harder mentally, not least because they’re my last papers. Thursday and Friday. Then I’ll be free. Free free free. FREE. I’m going to give myself a treat on Friday.. I’ll spend the night at Sentosa [there’s a kids camp and I’m going to visit] and on sat morning I’ll laze by the beach. :D
And anyway it’s my blog so I’ll write. grin.
For the record, I had econs and prac crit. And an acquired tummy after pigging out on Friday. =/. ohwell.
Econs was…
okay I really don’t know. I mean. I don’t have a good feeling about all the papers taken so far? L What else can I say? I’m really not looking forward to feb2006.
Yet I can’t help but feel that such words show a lack of faith that remonstrates against me. Because God HAS been good. Not good in the way we expect. God’s ways aren’t ours you know. So no, while I haven’t been blessed with a sudden mysterious influx of wisdom nor do I feel that I deserve this because I HAVE been studying these past two years…
I was talking with vincent the other day and he was like “if you have been honouring God He’ll honour you”. I think it works differently? I mean. there are many many godly people who don’t succeed in the secular world.
God has a blueprint laid out in our lives. If it involves bad A level results, what will I say? That I will turn away from Him? surely not. If I can’t trust God with my life who can I trust?
“Blessed be your name/When the sun’s shinning down on me/When the world’s all as it should be/Blessed be your name.
Blessed be your name/On the road marked with suffering/Though there’s pain in the offering/Blessed be your name.”
Look at Paul. A Roman by citizenship [which meant he was free born, a very big thing then], and a Pharisee- which meant that he not only knew his stuff, but knew if well enough to teach AND live it out. So highly educated.
Yet he spent the latter part of his life shuttling from prison to prison, bound by chains and kept in cramped dark cells under the ground where food and drink was let down by a rope. But look at what he achieved for God!
ay. I have been doing my work. So come feb2006, no matter what I get, I will give thanks because. It’s part of God’s plan for me, and somehow, ALL things work together for good to them that love Him.
Oh I almost forgot to mention that I lost all my Gothic notes. sigh. This morning on the bus on the way to church. Okay I have some stuff [for which I am eternally grateful –see? Count little blessings] but well. It is easy to continue berating myself for such asinine carelessness. At least I have Hannah with me (: the darling studies with me and yes she takes lit; otherwise, who will I turn to? A second blessing to count on I suppose. No need to suppose. Hannah is a blessing.
I don’t know what the future holds- I just live from day to day at the moment. I don’t borrow from the sunshine- for the skies may turn to grey. Yet. I don’t worry over the future, for I know what Jesus said. And today, I’ll walk beside Him, for He knows what is ahead.
[It’s from a song.. and it has been a great source of comfort for me.]
Well. Two papers left. Both lit. It’s getting harder mentally, not least because they’re my last papers. Thursday and Friday. Then I’ll be free. Free free free. FREE. I’m going to give myself a treat on Friday.. I’ll spend the night at Sentosa [there’s a kids camp and I’m going to visit] and on sat morning I’ll laze by the beach. :D
Friday, November 11, 2005
recap on the first week of As.
Guess I should do a recap on the past week.. heh.
It’s been really traumatizing in more ways than one?
Especially math. =/. I guess it was just really wretched to sit through a three hour paper fighting mounting panic which doubled each time I realized I couldn’t do a question. which, trust me, was pretty often. ): I mean, how stupid can one feel? [Oh look. It’s a geometric progression, with a ratio of 2. hah. I feel like puking when I write this.] Two years of work done gone, poof, blown away in one sitting. woah right? yeah I know. sigh. what to do.
Anyhow, today was gp.. which was funny in a way. I read all the questions and was preparing to do “Discuss how TV programmes and magazines aimed at young people have a positive effect” [or something like that] when I realized that I don’t watch tv. How about that? haha. I wouldn’t have been able to crap through. I mean, one needs to know not just local and international programmes, but the programs in suria, arts central and so on. Then I settled for the question which went “Life should be slowed down, not sped up”. I had gorgeous quotes from travel writer Pico Iyer and local poet Boey Kim Cheng and I was planning and planning but the brain refused to work! And it just kept thinking about the math paper. I was starting to panic again…
And thought. sigh. If you can’t beat them, join them.
My gp essay topic:
“Consider the view that the study of mathematics is intellectually satisfying, but of little practical use.”
Oh, the IRONY.
I had fun writing it though. In a way. It was like confronting yesterday’s demons and exorcising them. Thank God that Mr Koh [bless his heart] is such an amazing teacher.
sigh. bah. okay. arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. =/ [hannah knows what I mean.]
Well his thorough drilling was spot on. Not only on the mathematics question, but the one on the speed of life. How about that? Two out of twelve questions hit the target. I mean. What are the odds? [can't be calculated with the poisson distribution.]
I'M DONE WITH AQ! Even if I did mess it up.
On a side note, Kenneth did the question on farming. Which I found hilarious. You have secret ambitions huh? I’d always thought you wanted to be a porn star. evil evil grin. But seriously. I didn’t know anyone’d feel confident enough to attempt that question.
Speaking of demons and exorcisms, I almost watched ‘The exorcism of Emily’ or something like that. I mean. It’d be pretty intellectually stimulating now wouldn’t it? But jotee [or jo] insisted on ‘just like heaven’ and he paid so I had no say. He promised I would enjoy what he called a “brainless happy show” and guess what. I did. =Pp Thanks for cheering me up man. (:
And hey you the one I’ve known since THIS small. I actually stayed back during the credits. It was an unconscious thing actually. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until jotee asked me why I wasn’t leaving. Do you remember what we always do? I briefly contemplated teaching him the finer points about movie watching but then decided that some things are meant for you and I. Come back soon k?
ahwell. This is pretty rambly. But hey. It does get my message across.
Round Two of The A Levels coming right up. Book your tickets early, the first quarter starts next Tuesday.
It’s been really traumatizing in more ways than one?
Especially math. =/. I guess it was just really wretched to sit through a three hour paper fighting mounting panic which doubled each time I realized I couldn’t do a question. which, trust me, was pretty often. ): I mean, how stupid can one feel? [Oh look. It’s a geometric progression, with a ratio of 2. hah. I feel like puking when I write this.] Two years of work done gone, poof, blown away in one sitting. woah right? yeah I know. sigh. what to do.
Anyhow, today was gp.. which was funny in a way. I read all the questions and was preparing to do “Discuss how TV programmes and magazines aimed at young people have a positive effect” [or something like that] when I realized that I don’t watch tv. How about that? haha. I wouldn’t have been able to crap through. I mean, one needs to know not just local and international programmes, but the programs in suria, arts central and so on. Then I settled for the question which went “Life should be slowed down, not sped up”. I had gorgeous quotes from travel writer Pico Iyer and local poet Boey Kim Cheng and I was planning and planning but the brain refused to work! And it just kept thinking about the math paper. I was starting to panic again…
And thought. sigh. If you can’t beat them, join them.
My gp essay topic:
“Consider the view that the study of mathematics is intellectually satisfying, but of little practical use.”
Oh, the IRONY.
I had fun writing it though. In a way. It was like confronting yesterday’s demons and exorcising them. Thank God that Mr Koh [bless his heart] is such an amazing teacher.
sigh. bah. okay. arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. =/ [hannah knows what I mean.]
Well his thorough drilling was spot on. Not only on the mathematics question, but the one on the speed of life. How about that? Two out of twelve questions hit the target. I mean. What are the odds? [can't be calculated with the poisson distribution.]
I'M DONE WITH AQ! Even if I did mess it up.
On a side note, Kenneth did the question on farming. Which I found hilarious. You have secret ambitions huh? I’d always thought you wanted to be a porn star. evil evil grin. But seriously. I didn’t know anyone’d feel confident enough to attempt that question.
Speaking of demons and exorcisms, I almost watched ‘The exorcism of Emily’ or something like that. I mean. It’d be pretty intellectually stimulating now wouldn’t it? But jotee [or jo] insisted on ‘just like heaven’ and he paid so I had no say. He promised I would enjoy what he called a “brainless happy show” and guess what. I did. =Pp Thanks for cheering me up man. (:
And hey you the one I’ve known since THIS small. I actually stayed back during the credits. It was an unconscious thing actually. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until jotee asked me why I wasn’t leaving. Do you remember what we always do? I briefly contemplated teaching him the finer points about movie watching but then decided that some things are meant for you and I. Come back soon k?
ahwell. This is pretty rambly. But hey. It does get my message across.
Round Two of The A Levels coming right up. Book your tickets early, the first quarter starts next Tuesday.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
rachel says:
i mean
rachel says:
study, put in effort and it pays off right? but i've been doing that and yet i'm nowhere near anywhere i should be. i pray day and night for. well. brains and please please please God to help me.
rachel says:
but now it seems to me that this is a test. like how i say i'll trust him in everything.. well this is a really bad patch in my life now and am i still trusting in him?
rachel says:
God's plan for me might just feature bad a level grades.. i can't say that he won't give me crap grades even if i have been putting in the effort.
rachel says:
as in. yeah i'm still praying all the time that he'll grant me the grades i feel my efforts deserve but well.
rachel says:
i mean
rachel says:
sigh
Vince says:
hmmm
rachel says:
it's hard to say yes God i'll trust you no matter what in these circumstances
i mean
rachel says:
study, put in effort and it pays off right? but i've been doing that and yet i'm nowhere near anywhere i should be. i pray day and night for. well. brains and please please please God to help me.
rachel says:
but now it seems to me that this is a test. like how i say i'll trust him in everything.. well this is a really bad patch in my life now and am i still trusting in him?
rachel says:
God's plan for me might just feature bad a level grades.. i can't say that he won't give me crap grades even if i have been putting in the effort.
rachel says:
as in. yeah i'm still praying all the time that he'll grant me the grades i feel my efforts deserve but well.
rachel says:
i mean
rachel says:
sigh
Vince says:
hmmm
rachel says:
it's hard to say yes God i'll trust you no matter what in these circumstances
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