oh, hoo-rayyy

last post of the year!

i'm glad 2011 is over, and a whole new year is coming.

currently though, it's a little hard to feel nostalgic or reflective because i'm beside mommy, who's asking me about computers (her theme of the year, probably). but it's alright.

i did a personality test this morning, 243 pages. it was fairly interesting; i'd like to know my results, but i doubt that'll ever happen.

jars of clay playing on grooveshark; little details capturing the last day of year.

i take out a piece of belgian praline (wiki says praline and belgian praline are different) virginie brought as a present when she flew down recently and cut it in half; half is for me, half for daddy who likes chocolate too.

i'll be meeting john in a bit, we're wanting to get tea before yf. more little things; i like little things.

i am sooo glad 2011 is over. yayyyy. happy new year all! *beams.

taking a break from replying christmas cards.

the days leading up to christmas was somewhat difficult; i was aware of it, but not why, at least not till i was talking with my brother and zac on christmas day itself over lunch, and realised it was probably because we'd spent so many years out of the country during christmas that when we were here this year, we were kind of lost. we were used to scooting off to the airport on the xth of december, and making our epic way up to chiang mai via public buses and third class sixteen hour train rides, and then spending the days prior to christmas assembling sweets and goodies for children, and rehearsing for the christmas skit, agreeing to be mary, or joseph, a roman soldier or even a mad woman. like, seriously. no role non-negotiable.

and so with such memories and tradition, being here for the christmas season had me feeling like a fish out of water, and distinctly unchristmassey. i even forgot to prepare for christmas the way i used to before. and i thought this year christmas would be a kind of forced happiness. but-

on christmas day, standing in the middle of fellowship hall (what a lovely name) after service, with various people coming up and hearing my name called to be given cards and baked goodies, i found it. i found the meaning for christmas at home: it's in being surrounded and loved by the ones i love.

and so now, i'll write back to those i was loved by... after i come back from caroling. haha. <3 merry christmas everyone, for real now.

hey folks

Merry Christmas (:

1) i hate sleepless nights. if hate isn't acceptable, then i thoroughly, thoroughly dislike sleepless nights. with all i have.

2) sleepless nights are difficult to get through in more ways than one.

3) just stoning, waiting for me to get past myself.

i'm going to indulge gloriously and get ready for bed soon. i'm back from two weeks of fellowshipping and sinking into wonderful company, yf camps always tastes of heaven and late bedtime talks at mary-ruth's lovely, cosy home. i'm thankful for the past half-month and the fact that there's still a week to christmas.

keep the yuletide spirit, yo.

give me a garment of praise

Father, there was change today. I'm still a little confounded -and tired- by it. But, I trust You! So we'll do this.

a receipe for: a happy family

humbled by my parents' love and how much they are willing to set aside just because we are theirs. and i am further humbled because i know what kind of children we are- my brother and i are not the easiest of children in ourselves, let alone to raise, not by a long shot.

i think over the past ten minutes and see how important kindness is. which brings a groan within because i know who i am and what i'm most like. hope of redemption, yes, always, but sometimes people have more to redeem and i am one of those.

kindness, and then some joy. some laughter that makes lovers crinkle their eyes at each other, and until they have a baby to laugh at. it don't matter how he look like, tall and fat is as good as any if he has a heart that beats right.

i dunno, maybe it's because i'm in a sombre mood i feel the most despairing and boring of people. like, Lord, let it be, could i be ones of these? but, ahwell. as i was saying-

kindness and gentleness, with lots of laughter in between; how's that for a family receipe.

Life- i know it's not friday but it sure feels like it. i weighed my life just now and the scales read happy; although, i suppose that's not gospel truth since it tends to be about recaliberating- back to Christ and His. but anyway-

it's like a friday happy :)

hullo november-

i intend to enjoy you.

it's friday night, and i'm at home spending a quiet evening, instead of running about in town with x face or group. last week i came home at 4.30am, and forgot the world, the world forgot. waking up at a quarter to four is an announcement to make once a season, and not oftener.

tonight i am feeling affectionate, and i lavish my affection on this place. never mind how sad that sounds. i am fully entitled to lavish my affection on spaces- spaces, mind, not inanimate objects. besides, any space that has spent seven years- we're into our eighth now- with me has the right to my affections. i will miss this little corner if i ever leave; it's seen me grow from them jc days. which totally explains the name; observe the expression of individuality and nerdiness blended into a combination of seventeen year old cool.

speaking of which, often, i think about- the arrival gate of our country's airport. i like it much better than the departure gate, which i almost never go, unless leaver falls in the space (space) where in-my-heart and self-is-able-to-handle-saying-goodbye meet. things don't really go well otherwise.

i'll go the distance/if it brings you back to me, sings yamagata, and well, really? would you? would i? questions i could think about, but thoughtfulness brings a darkness, sometimes. i've learnt the fallacy of wondering-wandering- in vacuums; also, recently, i was taught to think in context.

this appetite for words appears insatiable/shooting out words on overdrive.

anyone tried pickled mushrooms in olive oil? it's one of those things too good to keep to the self. courtesy of the god-grandmother; God bless god-grandmothers. i know with all certainty i can eat it every night for a week: obession reminiscent of tang yuan craze years and years ago. methinks i'll always remember walking over to beauty world after school for the tang yuan fix till, one day i woke up and knew it was over. but back to pickled mushrooms in olive oil- for now, the only thing that's keeping me from devouring the little pickled bottle is the mental reminder that it's meant to be shared; childhood lesson sacrosanct. i won't have it every night for a week, in spite of myself.

ah, fit's over. as a suitably suitable ending, i have to say, i absolutely dig the english major label. linguist pride.

so my dad was telling me about his plan to change our car's engine system to be more efficient, since petrol prices keep rising. as i sat there and listened to his description, i thought- 'i have such a cool dad'.

it's still the same :)

drops of jupiter/ in a burning room

- oh, for a place of beauty.

because i've been to milky-blue lakes and ancient glaciers, and skies rolling beyond the sea. i've seen steppes and boys riding bareback on horses, leaping up and galloping wild into the fields. i've seen mountains that moved me to silent whispers, streams that rippled crystal clear over smooth oval pebbles.

i've seen the sea in sepia, i've seen it in technicolor. i've seen the sun set in splendour that took my breath away; i saw the moon rise from behind the hill, near enough to touch. i'll always remember, perhaps, trying to catch the moon. thank you, you who were once here, for imagining with me, precisely for not saying, the moon cannot be caught.

beauty is no longer part of my daily living, and what we don't see - reality|memory is- nothing more substantial than a film of tracing paper. more than that, something within has lain down and closed its eyes, that once was alive. it doesn't live here, it can't.

- time: a matter of colour shading in, -and sleep is a smell.

mom applies computer studies to real life-

[i've been educating mom on the wonders of ctrl+a/c/n/v/s/z/y on word docs]

me: so remember, ctrl+z is to undo, ctrl+y is to redo.

mom pauses for awhile, then-

mom: so if i want nat to go back to that cute, sweet little boy, i press ctrl+z?

me: [startled, but-] yes. and let's say you press ctrl+z too many times and he becomes an amoebae and goes back to your womb, what do you press?

mom: mm. ctrl+y?

clever mommy.

one two three four- ev'ry-day im prayer-in'

you know you've been drinking a lot of tea when, on the way back from returning your breakfast plate you happen to make eye contact with the drink aunty and the next thing you know you're back at your seat with a cup of tea in hand, somehow. i've got tea in the brain.

mmm hi, october's week old already; i meant to come here so many times in september but what with one thing after another; never quite made it. so much happened in september. all the lists and thoughts i jotted on the fly (i had to let them out somewhere) won't find themselves here, i don't think. moment's gone.

october's the month people think of christmas, i don't know why. daddy talked of october and christmas the same sentence, as did g, and someone else in conversation. i remember sitting in a certain car one year ago, and christmas songs were playing as we went down braddell road. do you think it's weird? i replied, no, truthfully.

poor october, a month loved not for its own.

[where did my tea go? i glance down at my glass; a mere mouthful sits and looks pathetically at me]

i sit too, and it comes to me that contentment comes in the cool weather, a cup of tea and space for thinking. - and peace with God. little things, in a framework of the fundemental.

yesterday i sat with m-r over drinks and we discussed piercings thoroughly, amongst other things. sometime in the night i woke up and found myself touching my collarbone. in the meantime the default air has turned light, and breezy, with hints of chill. my colleages and i have been adding to packs of assorted teas in our area- earl grey twinnings, harrods (earl grey and apple), japanese green tea, honey, vanilla and chamomile tea- i stuck up a post-it today; it is the happiness corner. /hɑpɪnəs kɔ:nə/

rachael yamagata is playing into my earphones; i can't think with the guitar strumming, the shaker going on in the background while she sings, paper doll. hopefully i'll come again quite soon.

l had a monster meltdown today, so bad we had to evacuate the rest of the class.

seeing the rest of them scared, moving to corners, behind screens, hearing the cries and screams, seeing j throw himself into the sturdy ixora bushes outside, dashing onto the road; having to call for the therapist, seeing her run over, coming back to the classroom and seeing miss j locking him into the safety position, and yet still needing male assistance in the end;
torn papers broken watches thrown bottles scattered leaves angry l unresponsive p unanswering p helpless x locked in y. replay replay replay. bad day. bad friday. don't wreck my tgif; i'm sorry kid, we all had ours torn.
"i hate fridays. i hate l. i hate. i hate. i hate", words scored in and i agree with you, p, fridays are our black days. our monster days. our monster days.

on blaise pascal, and smiling.

1) i really, really <3 tea

2) you see the smile that's on my mouth/

it's hiding the words that don't come out

3) i am amused by Pascal-

68 Men are never taught to be gentlemen, and are taught everything else;

and they never plume themselves so much on the rest of their knowledge as on knowing how to be gentlemen.

They only plume themselves on knowing the one thing they do not know.

4) and like him better than i did when studying stats-

72 _Man's disproportion._--

[This is where our innate knowledge leads us. If it be not true, there is no truth in man; and if it be true, he finds therein great cause for humiliation, being compelled to abase himself in one way or another. And since he cannot exist without this knowledge, I wish that, before entering on deeper researches into nature, he would consider her both seriously and at leisure, that he would reflect upon himself also, and knowing what proportion there is....] Let man then contemplate the whole of nature in her full and grand majesty, and turn his vision from the low objects which surround him. Let him gaze on that brilliant light, set like an eternal lamp to illumine the universe; let the earth appear to him a point in comparison with the vast circle described by the sun; and let him wonder at the fact that this vast circle is itself but a very fine point in comparison with that described by the stars in their revolution round the firmament. But if our view be arrested there, let our imagination pass beyond; it will sooner exhaust the power of conception than nature that of supplying material for conception. The whole visible world is only an imperceptible atom in the ample bosom of nature. No idea approaches it. We may enlarge our conceptions beyond all imaginable space; we only produce atoms in comparison with the reality of things. It is an infinite sphere, the centre of which is everywhere, the circumference nowhere.[30] In short it is the greatest sensible mark of the almighty power of God, that imagination loses itself in that thought.