growing old-er, acting young

Surely twenty isn't the "time to be proper, and grown up. graduate. find a job. settle down".

The quote's from mayboo's latest post. The sentiment I share; it's confusing being inbetween old and young- yet it's the most exciting. I'm not fifteen anymore; fifteen I was feeling all extremes, I was as sure as sure could be, as happy, as sad, and as confused as confused could have ever been in me at fifteen. At fifteen I made a mistake the size of los angeles, as in love as I had been since then and never again, so into him that when he packed up and left I crashed and dragged my maybelline into a night of reckless drinking that ended up in my mother calling her father.

Adventures are made up of that, and even though half a decade has passed since that night we still bring it up and I still am sorry I almost got her into trouble and am still thankful she didn't because her brother stepped in for her [no parent would have been willing to have listened to me, the intoxicated one]. And here's another point, that she was there for me that night, as stupid, as fifteen, as the entire episode was, willing even to get into trouble, because I was as down as fifteen could ever be. There are many ways that night could have turned out, with different people with different attempts to get me to stop and I don't even remember how I got home but hey, we were fifteen and hadn't learnt what it means to go through pain with dignity.

In five years, when we are twenty five, surely it's still too young to

find a girl, settle down
if you want, you can marry

Not that I'm going to marry a girl, but boyzone titled it father and son, so I don't have much choice if I'm going with lyrical integrity.

Well, perhaps finding a partner at twenty five and marrying is fine, but settling down- settling down is growing old, and I'm not sure if I can live with that, with all my twenty year old energy.

The year turns in a day or two, and the 87ers are excited because it means we'll be turning twenty one. And because I'm the first born amongst us, I usually get all the twitters of excitement and general jabbing. Not that I mind, because I don't. It's more about thinking about what being twenty one, two, three means. More and more I think that numbers are just numbers, because sometimes I feel 16, with the sound of music running through my mind and a boy promising to take care of me, sometimes I feel a mature 17; the oldest I feel is 18. Not quite 19, not 20, and never 21. Oftentimes I think about taking the confidence that comes with being twenty and going back to '05, '02, the years of eighteen, f`ff`ifteen, and trying it again, being less insecure and more beautiful. But it doesn't work that way, because some things only come with time, and time well-spent at that. When being patient and strong doesn't seem fun at all, and so hard instead. But being patient and strong has its rewards. A firmer faith, a sharpened trust, a better grasp on God.
I can think of far worse things to have in my life.

But I'm still very much a youngling [such an awkward sound to it]. Still somewhat basing my self on others and their opinions. Still caring very much about, and for people, and desiring to be cared about, and for in return. So maybe I'm twenty, but the less I think about it the more it feels I'm a newly crowned teen. Not thirteen, not really fourteen, closer to fifteen. f`fff`iteen. The wax still semi-solid, still shakey and weak. A mature fifteen. Mature, but fifteen nonetheless, with all its glorious messiness and pride.

So maybe I'm twenty, maybe I'm turning twenty one. But for now it's maybe with a not. Because for now I'm your age, young and happily, heartachingly uncertain, fully happy and then fully deflated- only sure of my love for music from narnia and the lord of the rings, and and and. that I stop here, because I
stand and watch from the side, at least, when I remember to.
look up from wanderings where no one's beside me.