tension

It's really tough at home right now. Really really tough.

I think you guys know that nat's in the sports school. I don't know if that's to blame for what's going on now but it sure feels like it..
It's like... sigh. I don't know.

It's hard when your brother comes home only friday night and leaves on sunday. And when he's around, everything's just... it's such a tensed atmosphere.
It's hard when both parents have such contrary views on how to deal with this... and harder when you know that all they want is the best for their child. [My dad's the disciplinarian in the family, my mom's the indulgent one.] It's hardest when you're the one who doesn't take part in it- for that very reason, everyone takes you as their listening ear and...
It's painful when you know all the sides of the story and no one's to blame, yet everyone is. Trying to be the middleman is draining. Take today for example.
My brother had a competition at 12.40. Church usually ends about 12.30. My dad's the kind that worships absolutely sans distraction... even his phone will be off. So the onus was on my brother to let him know when to leave. We were supposed to leave at 12... We left at 1235.
Blame my dad? Not so easy.
nat had duty today so he wasn't in the main sanctuary.. he was helping out with the kids. So my daddy wasn't prompted when to leave.
Blame nat for not letting him know? Not easy either.
He was standing at the door trying to alert my dad... why didn't he come in? He didn't want to disturb the rest of the congregation.
mommy didn't help things much either I guess... throughout the ride she was making comments that well. I don't want to go into that.
But I can't blame my mom either! She needs to talk it out.. it's her way of anger management and no one can say that that's wrong. Different people have different ways.. and I could tell she was already making the effort to control herself.
So what am I supposed to do?? Blame myself?
and by the way. It isn't easy not to blame anyone... it's a natural reaction when you want to find the source of the problem so that constructive action can be taken.. so that the problem can be solved.
It got even worse throughout the day. You know. The whole ripple effect. I think the climax came when daddy sent nat to the sports school.. I was in the car so I knew what happened but mommy wasn't so when daddy told her that he was going to take the extra fan away from nat's room mummy kind of flipped. See, to her, you're supposed to keep loving your child no matter what. To daddy, if you misbehave, you're going to have privelleges taken away from you. The fan was an extra one; the sports school already has one except that nat doesn't think it's windy enough.
So. Mommy's upset because she's afraid nat's going to get the idea that we don't love him and then our family's going to be really estranged, especially since nat comes home only once a week. Daddy? daddy isn't saying much, but I'm thinking that it'd be really wrong if daddy lets nat be so rude and not do anything about it. Whatever it is, I'm the one they talk to. To let it out. And I hate tension, I really really do. I love them all so much and I can see both sides. But both sides don't want to back down because they think theirs is the better way. And I'm not even going into the rest of my week. Let's just say that it's the toughest I've had this year. Academics, social, even one of my closest friends.. everything hurt so much and. This family one tops it off nicely, doesn't it? [miserable laugh]. Every corner... I'm just grateful that I've had so much support from my mates... really. daddy and mummy.. sab, al, tim, hannah, xiuwen... even people I don't keep in constant contact with.. matthew, joot, sean, wilson, mindy.. probably more I can't quite remember now [sorry man] oh and I received mayboo's letter yesterday. haha. It's been one friend after another. (: Yeah I'm really so glad for my friends who stick by me, who knows what it means to be friends.

thank you...