Weekly Report

It’s a crazy life, being a teacher! This past week has been an entirely new experience for me, and I’ve said and thought things I wouldn’t have thought I would. The overwhelming impression of this week is Exhaustion. Traveling, lack of sleep, the amount of energy kids drain… little vampires, that’s what they all are.

Sunday, 2300hrs [as far as I can remember]
I was yammering away with Hannah at home, when my phone suddenly rings.
“Hello Rachel? mdm rohani here. I know it’s last minute, but can you take over from tomorrow onwards? Just go to the general office tomorrow and tell them you’re taking over me for three months.”
okayy. Panic panic.

I couldn’t sleep that night, and the first day was just so bad. Dumped into a classroom with 28 primary two children [one absentee you see] staring at me. I was supposed to teach them english, math, health education, p.e, arts and craft and social studies. Basically everything except chinese and music. Had no training on how to teach seven year olds effectively, no experience to back me up. I was just grateful I was taller than they were. Didn’t know the pace of work, the rules of the school, didn’t know anything. I didn’t even have the textbook! [It’s still missing.]

Imagine you’re a seven year old and suddenly this new teacher bends over you on her first day and goes, “hi. Can I borrow your english textbook?”

I have no idea what the poor thing thought. But it was pretty embarrassing for me.

I think the worst thing on the first day was the disappointment. Teaching primary twos is basically babysitting. Don’t do this, don’t do that. KEEP QUIET! Okay class, remember to write the day and the date on the top of the page, okay? KEEP QUIET!
At that age, their fears and worries are just so unwarranted. Granted, it causes them an amazing amount of anxiety and stress [I can personally attest to that] but the thing is, it really doesn’t matter. Any one can soothe it with assurances. Where’s the depth in all that? I guess I wanted more mature students, who would fully appreciate my passion and enthusiasm for Them. Babysitting, any one could do.
So the first day was really bad for me. I just sat on my swrivel chair after the last lesson, brooding. Looking at the three months ahead and wondering how much of their childishness I could take. See, the worst thing was, they Are supposed to be childish. Listen to this:

Yong Zhi: Teacher teacher, he blow my face!
Me: Blow back! [okay I didn’t say that. Was so tempted to though. I actually asked the other kid why he did that.]
Boon Hong: He punch me!
Me: [puts on a horrified face] Why did you punch him?
Yong Zhi: He block me!
Me: Why did you “block” him?
Boon Hong: He just now cut queue!

You know what the best thing was? They were simply walking along the corridor!
When I related this incident to my mom [or ranted, rather], she laughed and said that at that age, they were simply protecting what they perceived as their rights. Apparently when lining up, closer you are to the teacher, the more powerful you are. And yeah, I think the kids do think that way. Guess children haven’t changed very much since my mom’s time. I wonder how mummy did it. Daddy once told me that when she was still in the teaching profession, she was highly sought after. Hmmm.

So yeah. There I was, disillusioned and seriously wondering if I should look around for another school. Thank God for erica who messaged and asked if I was okay. And hongxuan too. Poor brandon who called shortly after school ended bore the brunt of my frustration. I was literally yelling on the phone [I was out of school by then]. Everything was so limited by their youth. For p.e, I had no idea what to do. They were so young! So we just played races. Some of the kids didn’t want to play. I don’t blame them. Such boring games! Sigh. And this is coming from me who wants to be a p.e teacher. So if I say I was upset at the limitations, I was upset at the limitations. And the worst thing? I’m not a nitpicking teacher. I don’t care if your parents don’t sign your spelling books; I’ve always thought that was freaking dumb, the whole admin thing. Such a waste of time and energy. Learning man, learning. Don’t do your work, your loss. Do your work, I’ll work harder than you do. I mean need. Spend time with those who have the right attitude. Not waste hour after hour telling kids to shut up! Yet, that's exactly what they need. This period is their habit forming years. [I've since kind of figured I was a bad student who didn't listen. heh.]
So I spent quite some time penning a letter, venting everything onto that poor piece of paper. sigh. But everyone was really encouraging and told me the first day was always the hardest. well. They were right. Erica reminded me of the need to “start each day ANEW”. So I prayed and did that.

Tuesday was better. I think it helped that I had a primary four art class to take. They were more fun, and I could talk more ‘constructive rubbish’ with them. haha. It was nice to see how they put effort into a topic that was initially boring. [They were supposed to draw trees.] Oh. My own kids? I tried some real teaching, as in, english and math. But on hindsight, I’m a terrible primary two teacher. I use words they don’t understand, and go too fast. For example:

Me: Okay children, see today we’re going to learn the difference between “tight”, “tightER” and “tightEST”. Okay? Okay. So. TightER is a comparative word. Do you know what comparative means? [blank faces] Err no? Okay it’s relative. You know relative? [slight pause as I try desperately to think of a way to explain what the “er” in tighter really means]
-brightly- okay never mind. You know the “est” in tightest? Well it’s an… ultimate word! Nothing can be bigger than it! Understand? [blank faces]

Soo. Yeah. My first attempt at teaching the meaning of “er” and “est”.

I also got my hands on the scheme of work that day. And realized I was going waaay too fast. It also worried me that I didn’t know the children well enough to know who honestly understood what I was saying, and who were just good at looking like they knew. Besides, I’ll still be taking them for their CA1 [remember ca1??? oh my gosh.] and I really don’t want the school or any parents to be upset at me. Even more than that, I want all students to catch my ball, I really do. I’d hate to think of any child confused and not daring to ask a big [in their perspective] adult for help. But I have no training in teaching methods! I ask other teachers and they point me to the teacher’s guide. I read that and I still don’t understand. But I don’t want to impose on them… half of them are falling sick already. So I try my own methods and pray desperately. Especially in math. I’m so bad at it! Yes it’s just addition in hundreds- but the thing is, I never understood math even then. It was so abstract for me. I guess the only thing I’ve got in math is patience, because looking at them, I remember how hard it was for me and how no one else seemed to understand. But I don’t know how to teach. That’s hard for me too. It also doesn’t help that I have some bright students in my class who get very restless. I was like that in english. In all my primary school years, every CA or SA was a band one. [except once I think, when I got a measly 83 out of a hundred.] I spent my time reading under a table and the teachers left me alone. Here, they start playing and then I have to give them attention too. But what about my weaker kids? So it’s still something I’m trying to iron out.

Wednesday was contact time. BORING. Relief teachers aren’t usually supposed to sit in, but since I’m taking over for 3 months, they thought I should. I have to think of a way out of that. You see, they talk about committees, AR, TR etc. I have no idea what all that means and I’m not staying that long to join any. So yeah. You know. I used to wonder what teachers do in contact time; I guess I know now. I also remember looking at teachers in awe- they were so mysterious and unpredictable. In retrospective, I think they’d forgotten a child’s world, and could only give adult responses to what a child had to say. And in a way, I’m one foot in that Adult World. Well.

Thursday turned out to be pretty fun. I was informed that I needed to take the kids’ height and weight, and was wondering how on earth I could control 26 [three absentees] jumpy restless kids. Short of tying them up and strapped to the walls, I couldn’t think of anything. And if they were bored doing normal p.e where they get to run around, what would they do in a class that needed me to take my eyes off them while I take each individual kid’s height and weight?? I was concerned. Guess what happened in the end.

Me: Okay class, listen up. [pause] LISTEN UP! [pause] OKAY. TODAY, We are going to do something Different for p.e [excited babble as they guess]. No, we are not going to do jumping games. No, we are not going to do anything physical [they don’t know what physical means]. We are going to take your height and weight.

Class: YAYYY!

I was pleasantly surprised. So I got them to behave on the threat that I wouldn’t tell them their height and weight if they misbehaved. [well I didn’t have the time to in the end but they forgot too so all’s well ends well. haha.] I found out that taking height and weight’s fun. Like how the children struggle with their velcro straps, haha. Do you remember having velcro straps??
Taking their height and weight really brings back memories… They were so unabashed about staring earnestly at the weighing scale. haha. And when taking their heights, they just looked so serious. I was touched, actually. There were something just so sweet and poignant about it all.

[On a side note, I took my own weight when I went to put the weighing scales back. There were a few machines… You can choose between 47 to 51kg. [The last number was from a very extremely super duper spoilt weighing scale.]

It’s fun marking books too. For english anyway. We’re doing “Wishes and Dreams” now, and there was this question in their workbook which asked them what their “best wish” was. Listen to the kids:

“I wish I can eat Laksa because I like Laksa very much.”
“I wish to be a teacher. Actually my daddy wants me to be a teacher but my mommy wants me to be a doctor so I don’t know.”
“I wish play soccer because I love soccer! I want to play for Singapore”
“I wish to be a farmer and grow my own food.”

Alright. So if all goes according to plan, I’ll be able to count a laksa eater, a national soccer player, and a farmer among my protégées. Oh, and a confused teacher. haha. I love writing comments on what they write… it’s just that I wish I didn’t have to write ‘baby language’. I’d like to write more, to students who’d understand what “brilliant!” means. I mean, I know the kids appreciate my effervescent praise, but I’d rather give it to students with low self esteem, like normal academic students, or something. Anyone can write “well done” to seven year olds, but how many will bother doing that with students from a so-called slow stream? I’ve seen so many teachers who don’t care. I wanted [and still want] to be the one that’s different. I feel constrained here. Still, I know God has His plan for me and I must trust Him.

Friday was the best. Not least because I’d been surviving on roughly 4 hours of sleep a night [I’d been traveling to church very frequently this week, which meant that I’d reach home late but still had to wake up by 530 am], and that Friday meant the last, final day. (: But it was also causing me a significant amount of apprehension. I was supposed to teach a primary 6 em3 class art and craft! Mr Nair [the form teacher] had informed me of so and so who was a mischief maker, and so and so was a repeat student yadda yadda yadda. Can you imagine? I had been surviving on bluffology all week. But what if these students saw through? And had attitude problems? I’d still have to face them for three months, no matter what the first impression was! k I’ll leave you to put myself in your shoes.


But it turned out to be great! :D I think mr nair’s presence during the first period really helped. [he was kind enough to suggest it.] By that time, I’d gained their interest. Which was the most crucial thing. Yayy! It was really God’s blessings. I could feel His presence as I talked to them about Chinese New Year. Soon, I hope to talk with them. (:

I know many of you have been asking how my week was… so here it is. In all the good and bad, with God seeing me through all the way.

Three months more… who knows what will happen?

miss ng... tomorrow! says:
fuchun!
he says:
where is tt
miss ng... tomorrow! says:
woodlands! waking up at like 530!
he says:
...
he says:
what u teaching?
miss ng... tomorrow! says:
AHHHHHHHHHHH
miss ng... tomorrow! says:
TOMORROW ONLY
miss ng... tomorrow! says:
math
miss ng... tomorrow! says:
english
miss ng... tomorrow! says:
arts and crft
miss ng... tomorrow! says:
pe
miss ng... tomorrow! says:
social studies!!!
he says:
eh tt is a primary or sec sch?
miss ng... tomorrow! says:
pri!
he says:
oh
he says:
so not so much troublr
he says:
hahah
miss ng... tomorrow! says:
RIGHT
miss ng... tomorrow! says:
there's this boy who apparently climbs the grills and rolls on the floor!
he says:
.....
he says:
sounds more like a monkey la
miss ng... tomorrow! says:
arrgh
miss ng... tomorrow! says:
he's going to be MY monkey!
he says:
haha
he says:
gdluck
he says:
ahahah




So much for comfort friends... Miss Ng exists TOMORROW! I need to sleep! ahhh!

arrgh

This whole thing is frustrating me.
I start work next monday as a teacher! Mrs [I don't know her surname] has applied for maternity leave starting next monday.. for three months I think. Three months. So when should I end? 16th April methinks. And if I really get to go to chiang mai for a month, I should be leaving on the 14th of May. Or the 21st. This is a rough sketch.

At least I don't have to go back to camp and do the attachment thing. heh heh. So much for being a freelance camp instructor. Engaged for one camp in my entire career. ohwell. At least I got paid for my first camp [instead of tagging under a senior trainer to learn the ropes AND not be paid]. They really needed people then. So under the company thing I still have to do my attachment but with this teaching thing now, I can't. yayy.
Actually. Used to think I could do obs and stuff. Probably could then. I've changed I guess. I want a bathroom and a bed now. I mean. I could do the outdoor adventure camp thing still. Maybe pretty well even. But that's only if I have to.
I wonder what the younger rachel will think of me. hah.

I'm sorry I couldn't live up to your idealisms.

Teaching is needed... to pay for stuff like driving lessons, to go back to chiang mai.
But the opportunity cost is high.
I had booked practical driving lessons on the 23rd... which I can't possibly cancel. It's like 3 lessons in a row... what's $58 times three? A lot right. Urmm. Yeah a lot. Llike $170++. Anyway.
Whoever heard of a relief teacher taking leave? sheesh. I'm so embarrassed.

Teaching also means giving up a tioman trip... which irks most of all. Who wouldn't want to go to the pristine white beaches with brandon, wilfred, serene, terence, wenhao and nicklaus??

sigh. What to do. The money's needed.
okayokay... little grousing over. Now to chin up and be the best teacher I can be. I've bought so many clothes in preparation for this, so it ought to console me a little.
Now I'm just hoping I don't burgle up the job. Let's see. Take out the top earring, make a mental note never to paint the black nail polish- HEY! Do I have to wear makeup??? -theatrical shudder. please no. I'll probably smear lipgloss all over my pretty clothes in my amatuerish attempt to put it on, or worse, swallow it.
Whoever heard of swallowing makeup?

I want to go to tioamannnnn.........

err. let's try this.

You scored as Journalism. You are an aspiring journalist, and you should major in journalism! Like me, you are passionate about writing and expressing yourself, and you want the world to understand your beliefs through writing. Journalism 100% Theater 83% English 75% Chemistry 67% Art 67% Psychology 67% Dance 58% Sociology 58% Linguistics 50% Anthropology 50% Engineering 42% Philosophy 42% Mathematics 33% Biology 33% What is your

Letter to Home

Hello Home,

How are you? How was the New Year? Did you go to Fang mountain for your barbeque? Talk the night away meaningfully like Robert said you do every last night of the year? Reflect on the year past and all that. Be good children k? I pray for all of you everyday.

I’m pretty good. Really. Went for an outdoor adventure course today; it’s part of my training. I’m going to be a freelance camp trainer! How about that? (: It was really good; I enjoyed myself. You know, I’d actually thought of trashing the whole idea cz I felt that seventy dollars [the training fees] were too steep- I’ve been really broke ever since driving school started… Not working yet you see. shrug. How depressing.
Anyway.

I understand why I couldn’t stay with you now… as in. Why I can’t be there now even though I really want to. I mean. I have no knowledge that would be useful, no skills that would add value to Home. I believe that’s why God has the teaching job for me… Remember how it was supposed to be six months, but suddenly got cut down to three? Well I’m hoping it’s God’s will too that that means I get to see you guys in late may. (:
I’ve decided that every time I feel worried about driving and stuff I’ll motivate myself with thoughts of you. I’ll be able to drive you to school! Wouldn’t that be awesomely fun? yay.

Alright. It was meant to be a short update anyway. Oh. I really did email you you know. But it’s been a few days already and no reply still so- shrug. Guess you’re still busy. It’s alright.
I should go off soon. Final theory classes tomorrow from 0950 to 1500hrs [thereabout. Madness huh?], and I still have my night QT to do. Much to thank God for… For His protection today, for the weather, and for the team itself. We were a good team today. (: I’ve devoted the entire day to driving school tomorrow… I mean. Be a good student right. (:

You be good too. I think God’ll have changed us mightily by the time we see each other again, and may the change be for His glory. God bless.

Love much much much,
Rachel.

P.S This is to mr juciyfruiter who left a comment on my previous post… you really aren’t a spam thing huh? Sorry man. It’s just that I’ve received so many of them. Awesome to know that a park ranger from somewhere else in the world’s reading my blog… racoons and all huh? Love the passion you have for your job. Keep up the good work over there; We’re doing ours too. (:

re.collections.

Do you remember?
The first day I came. I remember rachel’s excitement, so strong she clutched my hand. I tried to smile in return because I was more reserved than she. Then again, it was her second trip. I have no doubt I’ll do the same-if not more- when I return [God willing].
I remember looking at the steps of the stairs leading to Harem Lodge [or Lizards’ Lounge] and not wanting to carry my bag up ALL the way. Can’t remember who, but one of you grabbed my bag with me protesting behind.
I must have grown stronger during my stay, cz when I carried my bag down that final day, I didn’t even think about it.
Except that I didn’t want to leave.

Do you remember the games at the field?
Where the boys played soccer and I knocked down fruits for you from some hitherto unknown tree. I didn’t like the taste of its fruit; I think Pauline and I were pretty brave to try it. haha. But you kept asking me to get/pluck/knock down more, so I guess there must have been something about it.

Do you remember?
Our seedlings at Lychee Farm. Oh man the clearing of the grass patch. So many weeds! A giant heap more than a metre high they made.
I remember the boys in awe of michael’s strength. What it took three of them to do was his solo act. I remember my awe at isaac’s arms. [shame on you mayoplex guzzling iron pumping gym rats. A 14 year old who hasn’t entered a gym in his entire life has arms far more toned and formed than any of you.] And what arms they were. I remember ying quan said many of them have eight packs. I remember Rachel teasing me and I remember teasing her back.
I hope our seedling survive the winter. And the goats.

Do you remember?
The marble table we played checkers on. Where I learnt how to play without a word of English. Not bad huh.
I remember how you play. No. I remember how you play for me. Each one of you. After my mmm second move you’d take over my games, obviously thinking I was a stupid ignorant girl uneducated in the finer points of checkers. You were right my dears, you were right. And it gave me pleasure to sit back and watch.
I remember you ‘bailai”ing each other, and how we each picked up the other’s habits. Don’t say “lah”! lah is bad. haha. I will always remember “bailai”, though imitating your grunts that serve as a signal that you’re done in beyond me. Even yabo [who is six] grunted. A little boy making old men grunts. You made me smile.

Do you remember? When I first made friends with you? I can’t, you know. But that’s alright cz I feel like I’ve known you for years. I would look at your brown hair and wonder if they had been highlighted by the sun. I remember teaching you Frisbee. And we became friends. I remember sitting beside you as you were taught the alphabet. I remember teaching you my name. Although I was never entirely sure you understood what I was telling you.
I would have liked you know realize the significance of my telling you my name. I’d have liked you to remember me.
I also remember being puzzled during the second week of my stay at Home. You suddenly withdrew, without rhyme or reason. Didn’t talk to me, didn’t smile, didn’t even want to throw the disc when I invited you to. Just moped with your sad eyes. Didn’t, or couldn’t tell me why either. Did you like the sweet shawne gave you? Tell you a secret. It was from me.
On my last day… I went to you and said, “I go home. Singapore.” You didn’t say a word my dear. Just smiled and blinked so much, nodding your head in all directions at the same time. What was I to do? I told you to be a good boy; I hope you caught the drift of my meaning. Joel did, when I told him the same thing. Funny Joel. Out of all the younger children, you two are the ones I was closest to. Did you know?

Do you remember? The Night of Laughs?
I remember. I remember.
I remember your joy, screams of laughter, claps of excitement. Thank God He gave the inspiration and memory to teach the games. He blessed that night so richly, in more ways than you know.
I have scenes in my head… of all of you. Of your enthusiasm, willingness, and eager participation.
I have tears in my eyes.

How can I finish.
Of a life in two weeks. Of my life that was for two weeks so rich, so wonderful, so new and so real.

I remember the seesaw, michael. Of your amazement when you stayed in the air and I, on the ground. Law of the fulcrum my dear. I’m heavier. But you couldn’t guess my weight. Not that I’d have let you anyway. grin. Hey. Is 40kg considered light for a 1.5m, 14 year old boy?

I remember the barbecue. Of your resourcefulness. Of the novelty of blowing a pipe to fan the flames. I remember you and you, Isaac and Michael, trying to guess my age. hurhur. Do I really look 15? Your closest guess was 19. After one million tries.

I remember Fang mountain. I remember the simple skit that moved so many. Proud to be of service, Father.
I remember laughing with Jieren about our spooky sleeping place.

I remember riding on the horse… I want to do that again.
I remember the pushups you made me do you terrible boy. You, Timothy. I was so sporting right.

I also remember your nod. I’ve been remembering it since I came home. I don’t know why, but it makes me miss Home a lot. Emotions are irrational, I tell you. Plucking out the weirdest memories.
Did you know? I have a habit now. Whenever I say thank you to anyone, I have to control the hands. They invariably come together… the same way your hands clasp each other when you say your thanks.

I remember the fireworks. So many we played with.

I remember the steamboat nights. Laughing so hard my laugh turned into undignified howls. ohwell. I couldn’t help it.
Hey Deborah. And Eunice. Remember to master the game k. I want to see it when I return.

I remember the rides. The lorry… The lorry.
The four wheel drive I want too. It’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. Such a beauty. Ying Quan told me in awestruck tones that it has a turbo button. I don’t know what a turbo button is, but it must be really THE button to own. heh. I’ll drive you all to school when I’m back k?

Pause.

There’s no way I can finish this.
Going to turn on the fairy lights now.

Goodnight.

A Letter Home.

Dear Home,

I’ve decided-
That I’m giving till the end of the week to well. grieve over you. It’ll coincide with the new year too… so yeah. Besides, old hurts ought not to be carried into the new.
I’ve decided I’ll channel the huge amount of emotion I have within me into drive. Like what someone once said on a Sunday… Driven- For the right reasons. I’ll devote the time into becoming someone you’ll be proud of, someone God will be proud of.

… I’ll report to you okay?
Speaking of which, I’ve also decided to email [as in really email] you one month from now. I don’t know what the contents will be… that’ll depend on the events, and my attitude towards them. Yes?

Today was actually ummm. very mild.
I spent today with myself, then with my brother. Not bad huh. Ohoh I passed the evaluation thing, did you know? 90% was the minimum pass rate… guess what yours truly got.




It’s okay. You don’t really have to guess. I know you would if I really did tell you. I bet you’d have guessed 90%... and you’d have laughed when I said you’re right. Or maybe timothy wld’ve just nodded… you never really did care about most people anyway. I don’t know.


I’ve realized why I love the fairy lights so much. It isn’t just because they add such warmth to my room, and relaxes me. Although they do, do that. It isn’t even because it’s from chiang mai- although the reason’s linked to it.

It’s because I have nothing else to remind me of you. I don’t have a single photo of you, of any child, of anything. I have nothing but the fairy lights to connect you to me. I switch them on every night before I go to bed; and that helps me. I imagine I’m back Home, with you guys.
It’s hard not having anything concrete of you.
Because I’m really, really afraid of forgetting you.

Today’s Day Four… 3 more days for me… and six months more before I see you again [God willing].

With much love,
Rachel

Letter to Home

Hi my dears.

Yup me again. Writing’s the only way I know to relieve what’s inside.

My room has a smell I wouldn’t ordinary like. But because it comes from the fairy lights I bought from chiang mai [and assembled today] I’m wholly prepared to welcome it. Embrace it, even.

They’re showing kahbi kushi kahbi ghan on arts central now. It’s just about my favourite show, but everything has lost its flavor the last two days… I watch tv even though my heart isn’t in it because the moment I’m alone I think of you guys.

___


Well that was yesterday. Today’s the 26th, is it? That makes it… Day Three since I’ve returned, and six months more before I see you all again [God willing].

Nothing’s changed very much; I’m still missing you guys. I went for the theory lessons today which weren’t so bad- quite interesting even. Going to take the evaluation test thing tomorrow. Stupid protocols. Waste of my money. I’ll gladly save every cent towards you.
But I did a lot today. After leaving the centre, I went on an mrt ride to nowhere. Just sat along the red colour line and back again. Thought of you guys an awful lot at first, then just settled into brooding.
I thought of what you’d say if you were here. I didn’t want you to be here. Part of the reason why I love you so much is because you’re nothing like urban life. You may have come from the streets, or have terrible pasts but you were never in the rat race. Your pain was of a different, deeper level.
Where I come from, life is shallow, empty and meaningless. That’s why I studied the Theatre of the Absurd, and local poets like Boey who are filled with angst. I’d sooner think of bathing in the cesspool than letting you see my world. Anyway.

I got down the station, and decided to walk home. It took me close to two hours to walk. But I was happy during the walk. About twenty minutes into it, my feet started hurting so I took off my shoes. I don’t know what people thought of me, this ponytailed girl in a tanktop and denim skirt clutching her jacket in one hand and funky green shoes in the other. Guess what loves, I didn’t care.
It was quite a pretty walk. I chose a path that was mainly trees, a nice wooded area. Oh did you know that it’s the caterpillars that are suicidal here? I remember the suicidal “cow” [that was actually just Samuel doing stupid things]. Oh Isaac do you remember how you pointed out the fishes to me? It was the last day… I was talking to the dogs and telling them how much I’d miss the home and suddenly I heard you make a noise. I bet it was intentional and I also bet that you had been behind me for a long while already. When I turned around you were sitting on the floor with some metal thing. I was ultra embarrassed you know. And really really glad that you wouldn’t have understood all the sentimental nonsense I was sprouting. I tried to ask you what you were doing, remember? You tried to explain... and gave up halfway. haha. Just smiling that smile which so amuses shawne. Then you pointed out the fishes. I didn’t understand what you meant at first, and then I saw. So many dead! You said “cold. Dead.” and I wondered aloud why fishes would’ve done that. But you had gone off by that time.
Okay I’m starting to ramble.

But I’ll like to assure you all I was happy during the walk.
The nights have been the hardest so far. Like, when the sun goes down this mournful pensiveness comes over me. I’m starting to think my period’s coming early you know. I’m so darn emotional these days.

But I didn’t cry very much today. Not bad huh? I think it’s because I was alone so no one asked me anything which would have triggered memories.
I still need to be alone.

Sometimes people will message and ask me how I am. I guess they mean well but it kind of frustrates me when they have standard answers to give. They don’t know the whole thing but think they have the solution. But… it’s okay. I understand what they mean.

I just miss you guys still. A dull nagging feeling that pulls the heartstrings.

I’m actually kind of sleepy… didn’t sleep well last night. Oh speaking of which. I realized this morning that every night since I’ve been back, my dreams are about Home.

It’s 15minutes to eight over there… what are you doing now?





No reply. It’s okay. It couldn’t have been any other way.

Loving you all,
Rachel.

A letter to Home.

Hi guys.

Today’s Christmas Day and oh man you won’t believe how much I missed you all. I was a wreck pretty much the entire day… cried while dressing for church, on the way to service, during service, after service… are you getting impatient with my tears yet?

I’m dressed really nicely. Pretty dress, small handbag, heels, diamond necklace and all. But I would gladly scramble out of them and dress as raggedly as I was in chiang mai, if it means getting to spend time with you all again.

The tears stopped at about four o’clock. It’s about seven now. I don’t know if they’ll come again; in any case, there’s just this dull ach inside me.

I don’t know why you have this effect on me. The closest I can figure is- you’re Home. And now I’m Homesick. It would make sense now wouldn’t it?

I’m back in the world. I’ve been able to beg off parties and gatherings so far but I’m not sure how long more I can give excuses. Or how long more before I’m back. Part of the world, changing my name to Becky Sharp. Mind you, I’ve never liked her.

The sky’s changing color; it’s seven now. Six, where you are. I miss you so much still.

Went to visit uncle michael at the chesire home today. It’s been half a year but he still remembers me. As I was telling him about you guys the tears came out and forgot to exit. So I had to out up with tissue fibre appearing all over my eyelids, and the embarrassment of crying in front of all the other visitors to the home. Uncle michael told me to stop, otherwise they’d think something had happened in my family. But like I said, the tears… Beside, I’d not be ashamed of any tear you cause. That’s why I didn’t mind doing it when they [the tears] came while walking along the streets, and everywhere else that they chose to make their grand entrance.

I’d like to tell you more, like how uncle michael has decided to make me his god-daughter and how I’m actually quite uncomfortable since I don’t think I’m mature enough for that responsibility but I’m running out of space and I’m getting cold out here.

Wish I was shivering with you guys. What larks we would have.

Missing you all very, very much.

Love, Rachel.

Excerpts.

“…Tiger airways really is a budget flight. No frills, nothing. As mayboo said. “even the tiger looks dodgy”. haha. But I guess even a stuffy old plane can’t mar the beauty of God’s creation… the cloud fields; they are an alternate world altogether. Clouds clouds clouds… different masses, shapes, textures, even colours. It’s very ‘Contact’ [the movie starring Jodie foster], if you know what I mean.”

“… more enjoyable than the dinner [which was yummy] and the shopping [:)] was the conversation I had with the guys after that. Marvin, Nicklaus, Ying Quan and Ruben. All from the 87 batch. Not being clique-ish or exclusive here, But the rest was either in a different hotel or in their own rooms.
It was a really good time… I felt like I went through an initiation ritual. The guys stacked me!! [aka taupoked]. Yes. I got stacked by the guys. I’ll try and put up a photo. :)
So anyway we were talking about girls, about guys, about yf, about our friends we were worried about.
Mmm did you know that none of them think we’re being exclusive? I wonder how their views fit in with my earlier entry then [see below]. I’ve learnt that marvin feels especially for the yf as a community, ruben, about specific people. Ying Quan’s still finding his way, and nicklaus was just sleepy. heh.
[on a side note, chiang mai’s really like msia.]

… well I think we’re traveling up the mountains now. Soon. I wonder what’s ahead. What do I want to get out? What do I want to give? I wonder what I will learn. As in, I don’t want to go there and enjoy myself. Don’t want to focus… on me.
I guess as long as I give me best in my duties, all will work out.”

“… I’ve just packed in, and am sitting on my mattress thing now, I wish I had photos to show; it’s very quaint. Each of us has our own pink mosquito nets; coupled with the red mattresses, it feels rather Arabian nightish. haha. A whole harem of girls. Scandalous.”

“I’ve just finished a quick shower [that’ll last me till tomorrow] and I think it’s dinner now but I’m absolutely refusing to go out because there’s a bug crawling along the outskirts of my mossie net. I wonder what the kids’d do if they know this. Fling some fire ants at me maybe. Quan said they did that to jieren the last time.
The kids are very… I guess children in a way share universal qualities. These however, are resourceful. Amos plays with a bicycle tyre. How many of us would have done that? I probably wouldn’t have known what to do with it.
k at this point I hear voices downstairs and I think bug or no bug, I must go somehow. Oh help. It’s big and brown and flying around with a buzzing sound.
I’m a wuss missionary. grimace.”

“I think I’ll write about the kids after I’ve gotten to know them better.”

“-end of day one.
It’s freaking cold!! …
… I think my experience here will be to a great extent shaped by my attitude, And that’s one thing I’ve always struggled with. To always want things my own way. To learnt to meet the [to me] unpleasant experience with grace… ohwell. At least I have good role models. :)
Harem Lodge [my pet name for our dorm] is actually a second storey… below us’s just an empty space that some ladies use during the day for their weaving. The kids use it sometimes. I can hear their chatter below me anyway. Not now; they’re in bed –although I heard that adam and joesph sleep in the open. shudder. I wonder how they can take it. Harem Lodge has a zinc roof, and woven walls and floor of bamboo. In fact, the basic structure itself is bamboo. Very rustic. Oh. And we have our very own pool to skinny dip in. The corridor on which we walk on to get to the dorm overlooks the Home’s cesspool. It’s slimy and green but thank God, no smell. Or maybe I’ve gotten used to it. haha.

Living in such close contact with so many kids will try my patience, I have no doubt. I’ll be stretched and tested to limits and ways I wouldn’t have thought possible in the beginning [which is today]. Is today the 13th? I’ve lost count. About ten days more I hazard. But I have every confidence that these ten days or so will stand me in good steed next year; not least because I’m going to be a primary2 teacher for six months. Six months! It seems such an eternity.”

“5am postscript.
It’s FREAKING COLD.”

“… the time so far is restful. The children are raggedly, and possessive, but none of them have the look that so many school going Singaporean children have. Not very obvious; like I said, children are children everywhere. But Singapore children face pressure. They have care in their eyes. So my time here is helping me wind down. I was walking with my arms swinging so wildly yesterday. As far as the arms could extend. swing swing. Nick was like, why are you walking like that and I was like, I haven’t done this in such a long time. And I realized that yeah. I hadn’t.
The A level year [2005] was such a lost one, such a wasted one. It seems that I learnt nothing from it. I’m thinking now, and I see an exhausting year, a rather painful one. I’d never do that again.
Here, it’s better. I feel like I’ve had a long strain and am now slowly convelanscing. [did I spell that right? You know, recovering.] I still feel a weight but at least I’m aware that it’s ever so slowly going down. Very slowly, but something is moving nonetheless. Perhaps soon I will- become someone like weiling or wendi. heh. Wish I was like them… must stop thinking of myself.
I’m 18 now and so far from what I should be. Why do I so persistently refuse to let go of who I am now? What’s so good about it that I should cleave to it?
Perhaps it’s the fear of leaving. I mean. Now I have a sense of security. Change in hard in this case.
I’ve always thought that sweet and gentle doesn’t apply to me. Sweet and gentle is isabelle, the name I was almost given. I’ve always been the feisty one, the aggressive defender on the netball court, the argumentative debater in class. Overconfident, sometimes overbearing. What a way to go. So passionate about everything. So extreme in my actions, so unshakeable in my beliefs. Am I called to put all these down?
I think it is time.”

“-End of day I forgot”
Time really loses itself here. I know not the day, not date. I have no sense of time either. I’d thought it was three in the afternoon when it was in fact eleven. Hmmm.
… I feel closer to the other 87ers now… when I say closer I don’t mean cliquish or secret telling uber sharing closer but I feel more comfortable… knowing that we are now more able to accept the others’ flaws. For me anyway; I guess the guys already know each other through and through. It was liberating to admit that I need a guy who can stand me and for them to just nod and grin. How about that? Like family- accepting everything. :)”

“… it was a really interesting ride… it was freezing! But Thailand is a beautiful country. The markets too are interesting and varied. I bought some street food to try cz it smelt so good. They’re little round flour things, not unlike pancakes and have little bits of pumpkin [I think] in the centre. Ladida… the street are surprisingly similar to those in Malaysia. The villages too. Very kampungish. Not like India. Ah. That was a whole new world. Mudhouses, a countryside of orange-y brown [at least that’s how I remember it]…
Here, zinc roofs and wood still prevail. They also sell yong tau foo and waffles. haha. Quite exciting… quite quaint, yet somehow familiar all at once.
Well I can’t remember what we did after we came back [my memory’s ultra selective these days] but the next highlight of the day was going up to the forest to collect the logs…
… It’s really hard work being a farmer. Took 4 of us [ruben, my brother, Kevin and myself] to carry a log that Samson could shoulder by himself. Robert said that this was something like the cross Jesus carried. … I think that Jesus’ cross was twice, thrice the weight, if not even heavier. How could He have done it? He had been whipped, beaten, scrounged and mocked the night before that. How?
The kids too do this regularly. Timothy is 14, about 1.5 and yet he does manual work that’d probably take 3 Singaporean teens to do. 6 year old Yabo’s toenail came out the day before yesterday, and it got discovered only bcz siowlon happened to see it yesterday. Not a whimper not a cry. I remember how when my toenail got whacked out when I was twelve. What a hulloobooloo. Lousy.

… Nearly died playing Frisbee with the kids cz out of nowhere, I suddenly had 4 little jumpy chili padi village boys and two Frisbees to handle. The former were screaming for attention; all at one go. heh. I kept saying “nice” every time there was a good throw or catch, and after awhile they all kept screaming “nice!!” when they wanted my attention. Their incessant demands juxtaposed with the meaning of the word itself was so incongruous I just had to laugh.”

“… I’m down for breakfast duty tomorrow. 0445hrs to wake up. It’s mmm ten minutes to 2200hrs now. I borrowed felicia’s phone cz it has an alarm clock. Strange to hold a phone. But so pleasant at the same time. Surreal surreal…
… The older girls are chatting now. 4 of them. I wonder if this is what we’ll be like next time. Al, boo, myself and a girl that one of the batch guys bring in. haha.
I think of home now and then. hmmm maybe I shouldn’t have counted the days left. So many. But it’s a good time… it’s a good time.
I’ve made friends with a few kids… I guess I like the timid away-from-the-crowd ones- perhaps I identify with them best. When I was a kid I was so… I wanted to be like the princesses who knew how to suck up. I was this awkward child who hid herself away in books.”

“… well today we decorated the Christmas tree. :) I’m so glad… ever since daddy gave our Christmas tree away to the Malaysian church, we haven’t decorated a Christmas tree in years. What depravation. So it was a real treat. :) While we decorated, the boys did haying. I think that meant transporting hay from one field all the way to the other and then spreading them all out to sun. My farming after lunch was clearing a field. We took hoes and whacked the grass. Tiring, but pretty satisfying. Marvin said it was good anger therapy. haha.”

“… we’re just back from steamboat dinner! Fwoah. 69baht per person… that’s like S$3. woohoo. Oh their steamboat’s like an inverted version of ours…
… it’s like a mound with a moat. A shallow moat. So the soup goes into the moat, and the fried stuff is done on the mound. Highly impractical, but a novelty.
The ride back was nothing I’ve experience before. Standing on a rickety lorry, flanked by ying quan and marvin, nicklaus a little way behind shouting at me to tie my hair cz it was in his face and all the rest yelling in unison, ruben and Rachel next to marvin, making wisecracks at everything… I just let myself go and laughed and laughed and laughed.

… nat and I are closer now. We’re talking more, at least. He’s been getting “whacked” by uncle victor and the guys all the while and yesterday he confided that he was feeling quite low about it. My sisterly instincts flared up, I tell you. I mean. Give him a break! If any of you smart mouths were as willing to serve at his age you ought to know how it feels. He’s just turned 13, sheesh. Barely out of his childhood! He’s trying to fit in already and that takes some courage so instead of putting him down why can’t you act YOUR age and LEAVE HIM ALONE. All you stuck up bamboo brains are eighteen and should be the ones helping.

Well yeah that’s what I felt but I didn’t really say so much. Just told them to “leave him alone” and “give him a break” every time they stared and after a while they got the hint. Nick was the best.
k it’s almost time to go for lessons. Need to wake weiling up…”

“… It was HILARIOUS.
Pauline and I did games. It’s really amazing cz there initially wasn’t supposed to be at all. God deserves all the credit, really really. For a making games that seemed earlier to be dull and unpaticipartory, so enjoyable. Tonight was the night of laughs. We first played the human entanglement games that everyone liked, especially the younger ones. Then we played “Cross the River”…
… This was all we had planned for but hey God knows best. Dara came over during the River game and told us that time wasn’t a problem, that Robert was very happy that the kids were having dun and that we the two groups were interacting. Pauline and I started fretting a little cz the games had been such a success that our other proposals seemed to lousy.
Just then, Robert came out and we started playing with firecrackers! Like how awesome is that right.
Throughout, Pauline and I kept throwing out ideas and then rejecting them… when suddenly we had to go for debrief. I sure was relieved. After debrief, it was bedtime but we heard the children singing so we went to the hall to listen. It’s wonderful. God was truly pleased, I just know it. So heartfelt, so earnest… a joy, truly. When they had finished Robert… asked us to play more games.
I didn’t want to? I was tried. Was going to mumble something like, my games partner has gone to bed but again, God has His ideas so Rachel and I got up to teach them Jacob’s ladder [one of the rejected games, actually.]
God was really at work tonight… We [also] played pin the donkey with ruben being the donkey and jon lee the decoy. We were literally rolling on the ground, screaming with laughter.
It’s Friday. For most of us, we’ll be leaving soon. I’m glad I’m staying till the 23rd. “

“Sat.
Today was a lazy day. Goodnight.
p.s Got hit by debris from firecrackers on the chin. Doctor Foo says it’ll leave a mark. =Pp”

“sun.
After service- they’re leaving… about half the group. Don’t go. =Pp
Night- I wonder where houseflies sleep at night.”

“… it’s Thursday today. I… I don’t want to go. I’m afraid of coming back and seeing change. I’m afraid the guys will change and.
I guess I’ll be happy if they change to better people, people God’ll be proud of. I’m also afraid I’ll have a romanticized version of what life was like here, and when I come again with sky-high expectations, the focus will be on me again.

Life was good because
1- The morning devotions are wonderful.
2- I love the restful atmosphere.
3- God’s very present here, and where He is, is good.
4- I love the people, even if they don’t love me.

The last one- I don’t know if it hurts me. I can see their point of view. Everyone who comes, leaves. No use “investing” [weiling’s words]
It’s so hard.

You. me.
I come, I leave.
You stay.
You’ll always stay.

I’ll cry, I will.
You won’t.
I’ve always wanted to ask you if we matter.
Why would we.

Do you feel like an exhibit at a showroom?
“A farm experience”.
Do you resent me?
***
We’ll sing for you tomorrow. “

“Probably the last entry.
Dear God… tonight’s the last night. While brushing my teeth just now I thought perhaps it wasn’t worth it. To come, to have to leave… the emotion. And to have to plan to come back. Yet Father, how could I have not come?

Thank You Father. For allowing me to come. To love others. The people from the home. Even if they don’t probably love me back. Which kind of hurts.

It’s quite a possibility that why they speak so much to me is precisely because of their… because of who they are. And I want to get to know them better…”

“Friday.
k I’m going to attempt writing because I’m not sure how much or how far I can before I start tearing. Okay I feel the tears coming and since I don’t want to bawl in front of the entire world [consisting of AB wendi peigang shawne siowlon weiling and everyone else at the sports bar in the airport] I’ll try again later on the plane.
***
k we’re on the plane now. The moment I sat down the tears came and they’re still coming. I miss the kids so much! Miss the home, miss the atmosphere… I was already crying at the airport… excused myself at the sports bar. I kept seeing “familiar” faces everywhere. I saw rebounded hair and thought she was Dara. I saw a long-sleeved shirt and thought it was timothy. I saw a hairstyle and thought I saw hannah. Couldn’t take it…
I heard announcements over the speakerphone; it was in thai… and reminded me of the Home and I cried again. I remember saying during the first day I’m a wuss missionary. Well I probably haven’t improved very much.
k the tears aren’t as bad now.

I’ve made a couple of resolutions.

1- I’m going to male the Home proud of me. As in, I’m going to walk earnestly with God so that when I return, I will have a testimony I can share, that will bring encouragement to them.
2- I’m going to be a lot more submissive. To God.

Things like driving and the next path don’t worry me so much anymore; cz I feel God’s presence and He’s all I need.

I’m so thankful God allowed me to come. We’re taking off now. As I look back on the past year I see such an empty period. So wasted.

We’re flying above chiangmai now. Byebye chiang mai, the place I first stepped on. Byebye Fang. Byebye Christian Home of Love. Byebye everyone.

Promise I’ll be back in June, God willing.

k I’m drained from so much crying. Going to nap.”

“Later.
k I’m home. Very tired because it’s about 0130hrs here… and considering how bedtime back at Home was nine, ten o’clock…
I’m just going to pen down last stuff.

It might sound funny but I felt honoured when the kids came to be part of the goodbye prayer at Home. As in, I didn’t see them do it for any other groups and we’re the third ones I’ve seen leaving. They weren’t standing in the circle itself, just outside of it but it was enough.
I’m going to say it again. I felt honoured that the people from the home felt enough for us to honour us with their presence during the final prayer. Not a very eloquent sentence but it’s what I can come up with at this moment.
I’m going to miss them a lot. Was crying all the way home; even at home. I’m definitely going back in June; December’s simply too long. I’m going to meet every challenge with God because that’s what they’d have wanted me to do.
I guess maybe part of the reason why I cry so hard’s because I don’t know how our relationship’s going to take. I mean. Visit twice a year, and no other communication in between? What kind of friendship will that be?...”

“Dear God.
I’m back home now. My hair’s nicely conditioned and will hopefully not be too damaged. If I ever go back for a long period I will seriously consider getting my hair rebonded.

Father it’s so so easy to get back in the Self way. Father I think mirrors are evil. I was happy in chiang mai without any. No pressure to look good, to look slim… do You know how liberating that was? Yes You do. So now I’m scared. I’m afraid I’ll fall back into Vanity Fair. I’ve left utopia. In this world, it’s actually natural to worry about material goods. But as I have seen in the part two weeks, it is possible- and it is- better off without them. …”

_______________________________________


Dear Robert and Dara,

Thanks for the past two weeks. I know you’ll never read this but it’s okay because well.
I don’t want to tell you how much I’ve cried today. It’s Christmas Eve and I’ve been home for the entire day because I don’t know how to interact with people from the urban world. Even smsing is strange.

I miss you guys so much. Here in Singapore, there are no sounds of children’s laughter, or cows [that don’t sound like cows]. There’s no paddy field outside the dorm, no whine of the puppies and dogs. No sound of the looms as the women weave beautiful ethnic bags I hope everyone will buy so that the Home will prosper.
There will be no sending of 10 children to school, no exciting morning rides as you thunder down on your four wheel drive to make sure they reach on time. Did I ever tell you how much I love your vehicle?

I’m already missing the morning devotions, the murmur of children reciting their weekly memory verse to the older ones.

Oh. I wanted to let you know that Mrs Koh called today. Apparently moe’s sent enough teachers so I’ll just be there for three months. It’s okay. I’m not as disappointed as I’d have been before the trip. God has a reason for this, and I know you’ll agree with me.
So now I’m planning to teach for the three months, settle everything and God willing, be with you in May, for a month.

I don’t know what my long term relationship with the Hone will be; I can only plan thus far.

I pray that the love and desire I picked up for God will remain, so that you may be proud of me when I return.

I don’t know what the days ahead will be like as I try to settle down. Today was terrible. I’m afraid I’ll be an emotional wreck. Already I’m berating myself for not staying for Christmas. I keep thinking of what you guys are doing now. During the day I imagined Isaac, Abraham, Timothy and the rest of them farming. Then I remembered that today’s the outreach. I’ve been praying that it’ll go with God’s blessings. And somehow, I know it will.

I’m not sure if the children there miss me. I think they’ve been desensitized. I would too, if I were them. It really doesn’t make sense to put in effort in a relationship that lasts only for as long as the other party’s stay at Home. But on my side, it hurts. To love them and feel that they don’t love me.
That they will forget me.

It’s Christmas tomorrow. I’m glad weiling reminded me that it isn’t about where we are. It’s about Jesus coming to change our lives.
I think I’ll manage somehow. I have to anyway.
Maybe I’ll really email you, when it gets really bad.

Love,
Rachel.
24th December 2005.

I’m going to let a few things off my chest now. No names, even though it doesn’t really matter cz very few of those whom I’m going to “speak” to read this blog anyway.

To vou: That night, what happened… I realize now that I’ve placed you on a pedestal. My expectations of you were sky high and that’s why when you crashed, you crashed so badly. What you did was definitely wrong but. I’m fine now and I’m praying God’ll somehow convince you that I’m fine. [I told you I was but I think you might not have believed me.]
I’m not too sure what our relationship as friends [or more than or less than] is going to be like now but I trust that God will be our Guide.

To jou: I’m confused. I may be mistaken but it seems to be that you want more than I can give. Why can’t we just be very very good friends? I thought we’d settled this two years ago. Then again maybe during camp I was just tired and reading too much into body language. heh.

To aou: Do you know how much you’re hurting her? We’ve all been friends for so many years. Maybe you should take a step back and see it from her point of view. You are such a dear friend of mine and you’ll never do it to me- which is why I’m rather puzzled as to your behaviour towards her because I know you love her so much too. Think about it?

To bou: I wish you knew that I love you. But it’s hard for me to tell you because I’m so much older. I seem to see so many faults in you, forgetting that I was once just like you. Perhaps it’s precisely because I see them that I want to get rid of them for you, to in a way, polish you. I pray that I’ll learn how to be a true sister.

To aou: Like I told you, you served the ball and I hit it back. Now it seems that it has rolled into a gutter on your side of the court. Just smiling in a really welcoming way whenever you catch my eye doesn’t cut it. I’m no master in the language of making-my-eyes-big-while-nodding-vigorously. You remain silent. It’s okay. I’ve moved on. If you can’t come up and open your mouth, I’m not going to lose any thing over that.

I’ve just come back from camp.. leaving tomorrow for chang mai. I’ll be back the day before Christmas. Wondering what’s going to happen over there, over here, to me, to my friends, to everybody but- one thing’s for sure. All things work together for good to them that love Him.













_________________________________________________








This is what I’d have said today at the end of yf camp during the closing/sharing session if I had the chance. Or would have tried to say anyway, because it’s all just so sensitive and complicated. I’d probably have bungled up the job and made it worse. I don’t know.

“Hi guys. Thanks for the camp. It’d have been a different camp if even one of you hadn’t come, so thanks for making it special because you came.

[then there’d have been a pause while I tried to screw up my courage and grope desperately mentally for the words to come without offending anyone.]

I’m up here to apologise.

Yesterday while you guys were planning for skits, I was given an eye opener. I was talking with someone I hadn’t seen for some time, and well. You know how when we were waiting for lunch, all the jc people wearing their jc clothes gathered around the quadrangle and took photos? Well I wasn’t there because they’d forgotten to tell me to bring my pj skirt. And yeah. As you might have realized, I brought only my secondary school jerseys. [cue for the campers to grin.]

Anyway even while I was feeling so upset and all and complaining to my friend I was actually glad that they hadn’t told me to bring my shirt. Because if I had, then I’d have been there too laughing happily away. And not aware of the feeling of being left out.

[another long pause while I gather my thoughts.]

It’s like. I realized then that something has been happening this later half of the year that might, well, cause a rift in yf. During the sharings so far everyone has been talking about how yf is like a family and all and so what happened yesterday wasn’t very good.

I want to apologize to all the non-jc 87 yfers. I’m just so very sorry that in our 87 outings and all- like the one after our Chinese A paper last year, and the one after our As last week- we didn’t invite you.

I’m standing here speaking only for myself because I think that, whatever I’m saying now is what I feel. I feel like such a jerk, and so hypocritical. Singing about God’s family and all and at the same time drawing a boundary and creating barriers.

I think I should explain. Again, I’m not speaking for anyone else because this is well, why I think the way I do. Remember the old gardens clubhouse? I was in like lower sec, looking through photo albums one day and there were a few loose photos that slipped out of the album. The old old yfers were inside. It was at night and was taken against the backdrop of junction8- like how j8 was before all the renovations took place- just a peachy coloured building. They all looked so happy.
I wanted our batch to be like that too. Going out together, doing happy things and having fun the way we do in Christian fellowship that is quite unlike any other be it school, or outside friends.
I guess in my eagerness to create that utopian yf things went awry and I was so blinded I didn’t see how an exclusive circle had been created.
Not till yesterday during lunch anyway.

The feeling of not being included when you know you should, sucks. It really does. I know no one’s going to think very much of me in that I’m up here only because I experienced the same feeling. Yeah I know that if I’d been told to bring my pj shirt I would have and I’d have been there too laughing and jumping around like everyone else was.

That’s why I’m so amazed that people like wilfred and ying quan-

[pause]

Have treated me the same as they did even before the whole exclusivity thing began. I’m touched by their Christian love and colourless spectacles. I’m sorry and I want to apologize to everyone who has felt left out because of anything I said or did. I hope you forgive me.

Yf is a place that has love. It really does. And there’s this entire pool of warmth that’s just waiting to be tapped so that it can flow out. Every year during yf camp it abounds and delights, but the hole seals up gradually after camp. There’s so much potential in us having true fellowship, accepting each and every one of us without judgment. If someone does or says things that aren’t socially conventional, to realize that it’s part of their growing up and to edify with love, rather than make a joke out of it. To stop using other people’s names just because they once said something strange. It can happen, it really can.”

This is what I’d have said if I had the chance. I wanted to anyway, like to go up after michelle but then sam went up and then yeah.
So I hope by putting it up on my blog now it’ll kind of atone. I prayed that day that God would give me the courage and wisdom to know what and when to say this.

If, any of you reading this have ever ever felt left out because of what I said or did, I’m very, very sorry and I’d like to ask for the chance to start over again.

she's a happy girl (:

Hellooo! kk I’m like supposed to be in camp NOW but I’ll take five minutes to bash an update. (:

I have a direct bus to woodlands!!! =D
Big FAT happy grin. Don’t you just love bt timah? hur hur.

prom was good too! okay the image you see below [if it comes out] is the only one I have so far but I’m waiting [not-so-patiently] for the rest to come so I can put them up too! (: sorry if I look strange k. The photographer kept telling me to pose this way and that and I got really confused so in the midst of concentrating on holding the pose, this was the best I could give. hahaha.

I have like so much to tell- like how I traveled from bt batok to woodlands to yew tee to suntec to home [and now I have to go to the east side of Singapore] and how I STILL can’t stand the driving centre but I am too too busy! haha. Never mind. At least I’m a happy girl (: Doesn’t that make you happy too?

haha. kk better go. The girls will kill me otherwise. (:
Off to camp!

And it’s joel’s boho themed party tomorrow! yeahhhh. (:

I’m starting to love the hols. :)

p/s [don't tell them but it's been like 15 mins but I'm still downloading the picasa thing sooo... =Pp. ohwell. worse to worst I miss dinner. Not like it's message or anything. heh.]
p/s[2] yeah I read what you said girl. Now read what I posted! [although you would already have if yr reading this. grinn.]
p/s [3] I give up. no photo for this entry. silly picasa

this encapsulates it better

anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
shrug
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
it'sl ike
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
auto mode
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
don't feel
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
if i do feel the only thing i feel is pressure
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
like.. there's a list stuck inside my head and it's really long
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
there are checkboxes beside each item
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
the fast i tick them the shorter the list will grow
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
but there seems to be no end
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
more stuff keeps adding on
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
so
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
prom's one item on the checkbox
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
today's full itenary was another item
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
that's all they are
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
i didn't really want to go today?
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
but i can't say no to any of them
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
every item on the checkbox must be ticked
squeeze into 20 pictures. says:
yikess. girl. its can't be good tt you're so busy tt these potentially exciting/fun events bcome items on a list tt just bug u till they're ticked away... please say u have certain days for rest, and time to yourself?
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
huh
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
you tell me how. i have no days free.

hey

I'm better :) Thanks. mmm I think I just went into overwhelmed mode last night. Well. Everything still looks the same but I'll get over them somehow. By God's grace.

I'll be leaving for yf camp soon.. then thailand. I'll be home the day before Christmas. Hopefully wiser, hopefully more prepared for the world. And really ideally, everything should be settled by the last week of the year.
What to do.

I have like absolutely no time. suffice it to say that I’m incredibly stressed. The bt batok driving centre is dodgy and slimy. I can’t believe I’ll be taking my driving lessons there. I haven’t started a single lesson and already I’m sick and tired.
I have so many things to settle by myself. The payment for all the things, and I have to find a room in woodlands. All by myself. Alone. Even though I'm still an eighteen year old, fresh out of school.
Yeah you know how I said parents never learn? Guess what now it seems that- sigh. I really don’t know what to say. I need more time to exorcise the frustration within me. But no time no time. I have to wake up at four tomorrow. Four a.m. To run.



Anybody has a room to let in woodlands? Must be near fuchun primary school. I’ll elaborate more next time… but yeah if anyone has, or know anyone who does.. please call me asap.

I have to go. Everything’s so rushed, there’s no space to breathe, to think… There really isn’t. Now my brother’s rushing me off the com.

I’m this close to losing it.
And the worst thing is?
There doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. Not till.. july next year when uni starts.

Maybe uni will be less stressful.



I really don't know what to say. I really don't.

I just want to cry.
I don't know what to say.
I'm sorry.