I’m going to let a few things off my chest now. No names, even though it doesn’t really matter cz very few of those whom I’m going to “speak” to read this blog anyway.

To vou: That night, what happened… I realize now that I’ve placed you on a pedestal. My expectations of you were sky high and that’s why when you crashed, you crashed so badly. What you did was definitely wrong but. I’m fine now and I’m praying God’ll somehow convince you that I’m fine. [I told you I was but I think you might not have believed me.]
I’m not too sure what our relationship as friends [or more than or less than] is going to be like now but I trust that God will be our Guide.

To jou: I’m confused. I may be mistaken but it seems to be that you want more than I can give. Why can’t we just be very very good friends? I thought we’d settled this two years ago. Then again maybe during camp I was just tired and reading too much into body language. heh.

To aou: Do you know how much you’re hurting her? We’ve all been friends for so many years. Maybe you should take a step back and see it from her point of view. You are such a dear friend of mine and you’ll never do it to me- which is why I’m rather puzzled as to your behaviour towards her because I know you love her so much too. Think about it?

To bou: I wish you knew that I love you. But it’s hard for me to tell you because I’m so much older. I seem to see so many faults in you, forgetting that I was once just like you. Perhaps it’s precisely because I see them that I want to get rid of them for you, to in a way, polish you. I pray that I’ll learn how to be a true sister.

To aou: Like I told you, you served the ball and I hit it back. Now it seems that it has rolled into a gutter on your side of the court. Just smiling in a really welcoming way whenever you catch my eye doesn’t cut it. I’m no master in the language of making-my-eyes-big-while-nodding-vigorously. You remain silent. It’s okay. I’ve moved on. If you can’t come up and open your mouth, I’m not going to lose any thing over that.

I’ve just come back from camp.. leaving tomorrow for chang mai. I’ll be back the day before Christmas. Wondering what’s going to happen over there, over here, to me, to my friends, to everybody but- one thing’s for sure. All things work together for good to them that love Him.













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This is what I’d have said today at the end of yf camp during the closing/sharing session if I had the chance. Or would have tried to say anyway, because it’s all just so sensitive and complicated. I’d probably have bungled up the job and made it worse. I don’t know.

“Hi guys. Thanks for the camp. It’d have been a different camp if even one of you hadn’t come, so thanks for making it special because you came.

[then there’d have been a pause while I tried to screw up my courage and grope desperately mentally for the words to come without offending anyone.]

I’m up here to apologise.

Yesterday while you guys were planning for skits, I was given an eye opener. I was talking with someone I hadn’t seen for some time, and well. You know how when we were waiting for lunch, all the jc people wearing their jc clothes gathered around the quadrangle and took photos? Well I wasn’t there because they’d forgotten to tell me to bring my pj skirt. And yeah. As you might have realized, I brought only my secondary school jerseys. [cue for the campers to grin.]

Anyway even while I was feeling so upset and all and complaining to my friend I was actually glad that they hadn’t told me to bring my shirt. Because if I had, then I’d have been there too laughing happily away. And not aware of the feeling of being left out.

[another long pause while I gather my thoughts.]

It’s like. I realized then that something has been happening this later half of the year that might, well, cause a rift in yf. During the sharings so far everyone has been talking about how yf is like a family and all and so what happened yesterday wasn’t very good.

I want to apologize to all the non-jc 87 yfers. I’m just so very sorry that in our 87 outings and all- like the one after our Chinese A paper last year, and the one after our As last week- we didn’t invite you.

I’m standing here speaking only for myself because I think that, whatever I’m saying now is what I feel. I feel like such a jerk, and so hypocritical. Singing about God’s family and all and at the same time drawing a boundary and creating barriers.

I think I should explain. Again, I’m not speaking for anyone else because this is well, why I think the way I do. Remember the old gardens clubhouse? I was in like lower sec, looking through photo albums one day and there were a few loose photos that slipped out of the album. The old old yfers were inside. It was at night and was taken against the backdrop of junction8- like how j8 was before all the renovations took place- just a peachy coloured building. They all looked so happy.
I wanted our batch to be like that too. Going out together, doing happy things and having fun the way we do in Christian fellowship that is quite unlike any other be it school, or outside friends.
I guess in my eagerness to create that utopian yf things went awry and I was so blinded I didn’t see how an exclusive circle had been created.
Not till yesterday during lunch anyway.

The feeling of not being included when you know you should, sucks. It really does. I know no one’s going to think very much of me in that I’m up here only because I experienced the same feeling. Yeah I know that if I’d been told to bring my pj shirt I would have and I’d have been there too laughing and jumping around like everyone else was.

That’s why I’m so amazed that people like wilfred and ying quan-

[pause]

Have treated me the same as they did even before the whole exclusivity thing began. I’m touched by their Christian love and colourless spectacles. I’m sorry and I want to apologize to everyone who has felt left out because of anything I said or did. I hope you forgive me.

Yf is a place that has love. It really does. And there’s this entire pool of warmth that’s just waiting to be tapped so that it can flow out. Every year during yf camp it abounds and delights, but the hole seals up gradually after camp. There’s so much potential in us having true fellowship, accepting each and every one of us without judgment. If someone does or says things that aren’t socially conventional, to realize that it’s part of their growing up and to edify with love, rather than make a joke out of it. To stop using other people’s names just because they once said something strange. It can happen, it really can.”

This is what I’d have said if I had the chance. I wanted to anyway, like to go up after michelle but then sam went up and then yeah.
So I hope by putting it up on my blog now it’ll kind of atone. I prayed that day that God would give me the courage and wisdom to know what and when to say this.

If, any of you reading this have ever ever felt left out because of what I said or did, I’m very, very sorry and I’d like to ask for the chance to start over again.