Letter to Home

Hi my dears.

Yup me again. Writing’s the only way I know to relieve what’s inside.

My room has a smell I wouldn’t ordinary like. But because it comes from the fairy lights I bought from chiang mai [and assembled today] I’m wholly prepared to welcome it. Embrace it, even.

They’re showing kahbi kushi kahbi ghan on arts central now. It’s just about my favourite show, but everything has lost its flavor the last two days… I watch tv even though my heart isn’t in it because the moment I’m alone I think of you guys.

___


Well that was yesterday. Today’s the 26th, is it? That makes it… Day Three since I’ve returned, and six months more before I see you all again [God willing].

Nothing’s changed very much; I’m still missing you guys. I went for the theory lessons today which weren’t so bad- quite interesting even. Going to take the evaluation test thing tomorrow. Stupid protocols. Waste of my money. I’ll gladly save every cent towards you.
But I did a lot today. After leaving the centre, I went on an mrt ride to nowhere. Just sat along the red colour line and back again. Thought of you guys an awful lot at first, then just settled into brooding.
I thought of what you’d say if you were here. I didn’t want you to be here. Part of the reason why I love you so much is because you’re nothing like urban life. You may have come from the streets, or have terrible pasts but you were never in the rat race. Your pain was of a different, deeper level.
Where I come from, life is shallow, empty and meaningless. That’s why I studied the Theatre of the Absurd, and local poets like Boey who are filled with angst. I’d sooner think of bathing in the cesspool than letting you see my world. Anyway.

I got down the station, and decided to walk home. It took me close to two hours to walk. But I was happy during the walk. About twenty minutes into it, my feet started hurting so I took off my shoes. I don’t know what people thought of me, this ponytailed girl in a tanktop and denim skirt clutching her jacket in one hand and funky green shoes in the other. Guess what loves, I didn’t care.
It was quite a pretty walk. I chose a path that was mainly trees, a nice wooded area. Oh did you know that it’s the caterpillars that are suicidal here? I remember the suicidal “cow” [that was actually just Samuel doing stupid things]. Oh Isaac do you remember how you pointed out the fishes to me? It was the last day… I was talking to the dogs and telling them how much I’d miss the home and suddenly I heard you make a noise. I bet it was intentional and I also bet that you had been behind me for a long while already. When I turned around you were sitting on the floor with some metal thing. I was ultra embarrassed you know. And really really glad that you wouldn’t have understood all the sentimental nonsense I was sprouting. I tried to ask you what you were doing, remember? You tried to explain... and gave up halfway. haha. Just smiling that smile which so amuses shawne. Then you pointed out the fishes. I didn’t understand what you meant at first, and then I saw. So many dead! You said “cold. Dead.” and I wondered aloud why fishes would’ve done that. But you had gone off by that time.
Okay I’m starting to ramble.

But I’ll like to assure you all I was happy during the walk.
The nights have been the hardest so far. Like, when the sun goes down this mournful pensiveness comes over me. I’m starting to think my period’s coming early you know. I’m so darn emotional these days.

But I didn’t cry very much today. Not bad huh? I think it’s because I was alone so no one asked me anything which would have triggered memories.
I still need to be alone.

Sometimes people will message and ask me how I am. I guess they mean well but it kind of frustrates me when they have standard answers to give. They don’t know the whole thing but think they have the solution. But… it’s okay. I understand what they mean.

I just miss you guys still. A dull nagging feeling that pulls the heartstrings.

I’m actually kind of sleepy… didn’t sleep well last night. Oh speaking of which. I realized this morning that every night since I’ve been back, my dreams are about Home.

It’s 15minutes to eight over there… what are you doing now?





No reply. It’s okay. It couldn’t have been any other way.

Loving you all,
Rachel.