Excerpts.

“…Tiger airways really is a budget flight. No frills, nothing. As mayboo said. “even the tiger looks dodgy”. haha. But I guess even a stuffy old plane can’t mar the beauty of God’s creation… the cloud fields; they are an alternate world altogether. Clouds clouds clouds… different masses, shapes, textures, even colours. It’s very ‘Contact’ [the movie starring Jodie foster], if you know what I mean.”

“… more enjoyable than the dinner [which was yummy] and the shopping [:)] was the conversation I had with the guys after that. Marvin, Nicklaus, Ying Quan and Ruben. All from the 87 batch. Not being clique-ish or exclusive here, But the rest was either in a different hotel or in their own rooms.
It was a really good time… I felt like I went through an initiation ritual. The guys stacked me!! [aka taupoked]. Yes. I got stacked by the guys. I’ll try and put up a photo. :)
So anyway we were talking about girls, about guys, about yf, about our friends we were worried about.
Mmm did you know that none of them think we’re being exclusive? I wonder how their views fit in with my earlier entry then [see below]. I’ve learnt that marvin feels especially for the yf as a community, ruben, about specific people. Ying Quan’s still finding his way, and nicklaus was just sleepy. heh.
[on a side note, chiang mai’s really like msia.]

… well I think we’re traveling up the mountains now. Soon. I wonder what’s ahead. What do I want to get out? What do I want to give? I wonder what I will learn. As in, I don’t want to go there and enjoy myself. Don’t want to focus… on me.
I guess as long as I give me best in my duties, all will work out.”

“… I’ve just packed in, and am sitting on my mattress thing now, I wish I had photos to show; it’s very quaint. Each of us has our own pink mosquito nets; coupled with the red mattresses, it feels rather Arabian nightish. haha. A whole harem of girls. Scandalous.”

“I’ve just finished a quick shower [that’ll last me till tomorrow] and I think it’s dinner now but I’m absolutely refusing to go out because there’s a bug crawling along the outskirts of my mossie net. I wonder what the kids’d do if they know this. Fling some fire ants at me maybe. Quan said they did that to jieren the last time.
The kids are very… I guess children in a way share universal qualities. These however, are resourceful. Amos plays with a bicycle tyre. How many of us would have done that? I probably wouldn’t have known what to do with it.
k at this point I hear voices downstairs and I think bug or no bug, I must go somehow. Oh help. It’s big and brown and flying around with a buzzing sound.
I’m a wuss missionary. grimace.”

“I think I’ll write about the kids after I’ve gotten to know them better.”

“-end of day one.
It’s freaking cold!! …
… I think my experience here will be to a great extent shaped by my attitude, And that’s one thing I’ve always struggled with. To always want things my own way. To learnt to meet the [to me] unpleasant experience with grace… ohwell. At least I have good role models. :)
Harem Lodge [my pet name for our dorm] is actually a second storey… below us’s just an empty space that some ladies use during the day for their weaving. The kids use it sometimes. I can hear their chatter below me anyway. Not now; they’re in bed –although I heard that adam and joesph sleep in the open. shudder. I wonder how they can take it. Harem Lodge has a zinc roof, and woven walls and floor of bamboo. In fact, the basic structure itself is bamboo. Very rustic. Oh. And we have our very own pool to skinny dip in. The corridor on which we walk on to get to the dorm overlooks the Home’s cesspool. It’s slimy and green but thank God, no smell. Or maybe I’ve gotten used to it. haha.

Living in such close contact with so many kids will try my patience, I have no doubt. I’ll be stretched and tested to limits and ways I wouldn’t have thought possible in the beginning [which is today]. Is today the 13th? I’ve lost count. About ten days more I hazard. But I have every confidence that these ten days or so will stand me in good steed next year; not least because I’m going to be a primary2 teacher for six months. Six months! It seems such an eternity.”

“5am postscript.
It’s FREAKING COLD.”

“… the time so far is restful. The children are raggedly, and possessive, but none of them have the look that so many school going Singaporean children have. Not very obvious; like I said, children are children everywhere. But Singapore children face pressure. They have care in their eyes. So my time here is helping me wind down. I was walking with my arms swinging so wildly yesterday. As far as the arms could extend. swing swing. Nick was like, why are you walking like that and I was like, I haven’t done this in such a long time. And I realized that yeah. I hadn’t.
The A level year [2005] was such a lost one, such a wasted one. It seems that I learnt nothing from it. I’m thinking now, and I see an exhausting year, a rather painful one. I’d never do that again.
Here, it’s better. I feel like I’ve had a long strain and am now slowly convelanscing. [did I spell that right? You know, recovering.] I still feel a weight but at least I’m aware that it’s ever so slowly going down. Very slowly, but something is moving nonetheless. Perhaps soon I will- become someone like weiling or wendi. heh. Wish I was like them… must stop thinking of myself.
I’m 18 now and so far from what I should be. Why do I so persistently refuse to let go of who I am now? What’s so good about it that I should cleave to it?
Perhaps it’s the fear of leaving. I mean. Now I have a sense of security. Change in hard in this case.
I’ve always thought that sweet and gentle doesn’t apply to me. Sweet and gentle is isabelle, the name I was almost given. I’ve always been the feisty one, the aggressive defender on the netball court, the argumentative debater in class. Overconfident, sometimes overbearing. What a way to go. So passionate about everything. So extreme in my actions, so unshakeable in my beliefs. Am I called to put all these down?
I think it is time.”

“-End of day I forgot”
Time really loses itself here. I know not the day, not date. I have no sense of time either. I’d thought it was three in the afternoon when it was in fact eleven. Hmmm.
… I feel closer to the other 87ers now… when I say closer I don’t mean cliquish or secret telling uber sharing closer but I feel more comfortable… knowing that we are now more able to accept the others’ flaws. For me anyway; I guess the guys already know each other through and through. It was liberating to admit that I need a guy who can stand me and for them to just nod and grin. How about that? Like family- accepting everything. :)”

“… it was a really interesting ride… it was freezing! But Thailand is a beautiful country. The markets too are interesting and varied. I bought some street food to try cz it smelt so good. They’re little round flour things, not unlike pancakes and have little bits of pumpkin [I think] in the centre. Ladida… the street are surprisingly similar to those in Malaysia. The villages too. Very kampungish. Not like India. Ah. That was a whole new world. Mudhouses, a countryside of orange-y brown [at least that’s how I remember it]…
Here, zinc roofs and wood still prevail. They also sell yong tau foo and waffles. haha. Quite exciting… quite quaint, yet somehow familiar all at once.
Well I can’t remember what we did after we came back [my memory’s ultra selective these days] but the next highlight of the day was going up to the forest to collect the logs…
… It’s really hard work being a farmer. Took 4 of us [ruben, my brother, Kevin and myself] to carry a log that Samson could shoulder by himself. Robert said that this was something like the cross Jesus carried. … I think that Jesus’ cross was twice, thrice the weight, if not even heavier. How could He have done it? He had been whipped, beaten, scrounged and mocked the night before that. How?
The kids too do this regularly. Timothy is 14, about 1.5 and yet he does manual work that’d probably take 3 Singaporean teens to do. 6 year old Yabo’s toenail came out the day before yesterday, and it got discovered only bcz siowlon happened to see it yesterday. Not a whimper not a cry. I remember how when my toenail got whacked out when I was twelve. What a hulloobooloo. Lousy.

… Nearly died playing Frisbee with the kids cz out of nowhere, I suddenly had 4 little jumpy chili padi village boys and two Frisbees to handle. The former were screaming for attention; all at one go. heh. I kept saying “nice” every time there was a good throw or catch, and after awhile they all kept screaming “nice!!” when they wanted my attention. Their incessant demands juxtaposed with the meaning of the word itself was so incongruous I just had to laugh.”

“… I’m down for breakfast duty tomorrow. 0445hrs to wake up. It’s mmm ten minutes to 2200hrs now. I borrowed felicia’s phone cz it has an alarm clock. Strange to hold a phone. But so pleasant at the same time. Surreal surreal…
… The older girls are chatting now. 4 of them. I wonder if this is what we’ll be like next time. Al, boo, myself and a girl that one of the batch guys bring in. haha.
I think of home now and then. hmmm maybe I shouldn’t have counted the days left. So many. But it’s a good time… it’s a good time.
I’ve made friends with a few kids… I guess I like the timid away-from-the-crowd ones- perhaps I identify with them best. When I was a kid I was so… I wanted to be like the princesses who knew how to suck up. I was this awkward child who hid herself away in books.”

“… well today we decorated the Christmas tree. :) I’m so glad… ever since daddy gave our Christmas tree away to the Malaysian church, we haven’t decorated a Christmas tree in years. What depravation. So it was a real treat. :) While we decorated, the boys did haying. I think that meant transporting hay from one field all the way to the other and then spreading them all out to sun. My farming after lunch was clearing a field. We took hoes and whacked the grass. Tiring, but pretty satisfying. Marvin said it was good anger therapy. haha.”

“… we’re just back from steamboat dinner! Fwoah. 69baht per person… that’s like S$3. woohoo. Oh their steamboat’s like an inverted version of ours…
… it’s like a mound with a moat. A shallow moat. So the soup goes into the moat, and the fried stuff is done on the mound. Highly impractical, but a novelty.
The ride back was nothing I’ve experience before. Standing on a rickety lorry, flanked by ying quan and marvin, nicklaus a little way behind shouting at me to tie my hair cz it was in his face and all the rest yelling in unison, ruben and Rachel next to marvin, making wisecracks at everything… I just let myself go and laughed and laughed and laughed.

… nat and I are closer now. We’re talking more, at least. He’s been getting “whacked” by uncle victor and the guys all the while and yesterday he confided that he was feeling quite low about it. My sisterly instincts flared up, I tell you. I mean. Give him a break! If any of you smart mouths were as willing to serve at his age you ought to know how it feels. He’s just turned 13, sheesh. Barely out of his childhood! He’s trying to fit in already and that takes some courage so instead of putting him down why can’t you act YOUR age and LEAVE HIM ALONE. All you stuck up bamboo brains are eighteen and should be the ones helping.

Well yeah that’s what I felt but I didn’t really say so much. Just told them to “leave him alone” and “give him a break” every time they stared and after a while they got the hint. Nick was the best.
k it’s almost time to go for lessons. Need to wake weiling up…”

“… It was HILARIOUS.
Pauline and I did games. It’s really amazing cz there initially wasn’t supposed to be at all. God deserves all the credit, really really. For a making games that seemed earlier to be dull and unpaticipartory, so enjoyable. Tonight was the night of laughs. We first played the human entanglement games that everyone liked, especially the younger ones. Then we played “Cross the River”…
… This was all we had planned for but hey God knows best. Dara came over during the River game and told us that time wasn’t a problem, that Robert was very happy that the kids were having dun and that we the two groups were interacting. Pauline and I started fretting a little cz the games had been such a success that our other proposals seemed to lousy.
Just then, Robert came out and we started playing with firecrackers! Like how awesome is that right.
Throughout, Pauline and I kept throwing out ideas and then rejecting them… when suddenly we had to go for debrief. I sure was relieved. After debrief, it was bedtime but we heard the children singing so we went to the hall to listen. It’s wonderful. God was truly pleased, I just know it. So heartfelt, so earnest… a joy, truly. When they had finished Robert… asked us to play more games.
I didn’t want to? I was tried. Was going to mumble something like, my games partner has gone to bed but again, God has His ideas so Rachel and I got up to teach them Jacob’s ladder [one of the rejected games, actually.]
God was really at work tonight… We [also] played pin the donkey with ruben being the donkey and jon lee the decoy. We were literally rolling on the ground, screaming with laughter.
It’s Friday. For most of us, we’ll be leaving soon. I’m glad I’m staying till the 23rd. “

“Sat.
Today was a lazy day. Goodnight.
p.s Got hit by debris from firecrackers on the chin. Doctor Foo says it’ll leave a mark. =Pp”

“sun.
After service- they’re leaving… about half the group. Don’t go. =Pp
Night- I wonder where houseflies sleep at night.”

“… it’s Thursday today. I… I don’t want to go. I’m afraid of coming back and seeing change. I’m afraid the guys will change and.
I guess I’ll be happy if they change to better people, people God’ll be proud of. I’m also afraid I’ll have a romanticized version of what life was like here, and when I come again with sky-high expectations, the focus will be on me again.

Life was good because
1- The morning devotions are wonderful.
2- I love the restful atmosphere.
3- God’s very present here, and where He is, is good.
4- I love the people, even if they don’t love me.

The last one- I don’t know if it hurts me. I can see their point of view. Everyone who comes, leaves. No use “investing” [weiling’s words]
It’s so hard.

You. me.
I come, I leave.
You stay.
You’ll always stay.

I’ll cry, I will.
You won’t.
I’ve always wanted to ask you if we matter.
Why would we.

Do you feel like an exhibit at a showroom?
“A farm experience”.
Do you resent me?
***
We’ll sing for you tomorrow. “

“Probably the last entry.
Dear God… tonight’s the last night. While brushing my teeth just now I thought perhaps it wasn’t worth it. To come, to have to leave… the emotion. And to have to plan to come back. Yet Father, how could I have not come?

Thank You Father. For allowing me to come. To love others. The people from the home. Even if they don’t probably love me back. Which kind of hurts.

It’s quite a possibility that why they speak so much to me is precisely because of their… because of who they are. And I want to get to know them better…”

“Friday.
k I’m going to attempt writing because I’m not sure how much or how far I can before I start tearing. Okay I feel the tears coming and since I don’t want to bawl in front of the entire world [consisting of AB wendi peigang shawne siowlon weiling and everyone else at the sports bar in the airport] I’ll try again later on the plane.
***
k we’re on the plane now. The moment I sat down the tears came and they’re still coming. I miss the kids so much! Miss the home, miss the atmosphere… I was already crying at the airport… excused myself at the sports bar. I kept seeing “familiar” faces everywhere. I saw rebounded hair and thought she was Dara. I saw a long-sleeved shirt and thought it was timothy. I saw a hairstyle and thought I saw hannah. Couldn’t take it…
I heard announcements over the speakerphone; it was in thai… and reminded me of the Home and I cried again. I remember saying during the first day I’m a wuss missionary. Well I probably haven’t improved very much.
k the tears aren’t as bad now.

I’ve made a couple of resolutions.

1- I’m going to male the Home proud of me. As in, I’m going to walk earnestly with God so that when I return, I will have a testimony I can share, that will bring encouragement to them.
2- I’m going to be a lot more submissive. To God.

Things like driving and the next path don’t worry me so much anymore; cz I feel God’s presence and He’s all I need.

I’m so thankful God allowed me to come. We’re taking off now. As I look back on the past year I see such an empty period. So wasted.

We’re flying above chiangmai now. Byebye chiang mai, the place I first stepped on. Byebye Fang. Byebye Christian Home of Love. Byebye everyone.

Promise I’ll be back in June, God willing.

k I’m drained from so much crying. Going to nap.”

“Later.
k I’m home. Very tired because it’s about 0130hrs here… and considering how bedtime back at Home was nine, ten o’clock…
I’m just going to pen down last stuff.

It might sound funny but I felt honoured when the kids came to be part of the goodbye prayer at Home. As in, I didn’t see them do it for any other groups and we’re the third ones I’ve seen leaving. They weren’t standing in the circle itself, just outside of it but it was enough.
I’m going to say it again. I felt honoured that the people from the home felt enough for us to honour us with their presence during the final prayer. Not a very eloquent sentence but it’s what I can come up with at this moment.
I’m going to miss them a lot. Was crying all the way home; even at home. I’m definitely going back in June; December’s simply too long. I’m going to meet every challenge with God because that’s what they’d have wanted me to do.
I guess maybe part of the reason why I cry so hard’s because I don’t know how our relationship’s going to take. I mean. Visit twice a year, and no other communication in between? What kind of friendship will that be?...”

“Dear God.
I’m back home now. My hair’s nicely conditioned and will hopefully not be too damaged. If I ever go back for a long period I will seriously consider getting my hair rebonded.

Father it’s so so easy to get back in the Self way. Father I think mirrors are evil. I was happy in chiang mai without any. No pressure to look good, to look slim… do You know how liberating that was? Yes You do. So now I’m scared. I’m afraid I’ll fall back into Vanity Fair. I’ve left utopia. In this world, it’s actually natural to worry about material goods. But as I have seen in the part two weeks, it is possible- and it is- better off without them. …”

_______________________________________


Dear Robert and Dara,

Thanks for the past two weeks. I know you’ll never read this but it’s okay because well.
I don’t want to tell you how much I’ve cried today. It’s Christmas Eve and I’ve been home for the entire day because I don’t know how to interact with people from the urban world. Even smsing is strange.

I miss you guys so much. Here in Singapore, there are no sounds of children’s laughter, or cows [that don’t sound like cows]. There’s no paddy field outside the dorm, no whine of the puppies and dogs. No sound of the looms as the women weave beautiful ethnic bags I hope everyone will buy so that the Home will prosper.
There will be no sending of 10 children to school, no exciting morning rides as you thunder down on your four wheel drive to make sure they reach on time. Did I ever tell you how much I love your vehicle?

I’m already missing the morning devotions, the murmur of children reciting their weekly memory verse to the older ones.

Oh. I wanted to let you know that Mrs Koh called today. Apparently moe’s sent enough teachers so I’ll just be there for three months. It’s okay. I’m not as disappointed as I’d have been before the trip. God has a reason for this, and I know you’ll agree with me.
So now I’m planning to teach for the three months, settle everything and God willing, be with you in May, for a month.

I don’t know what my long term relationship with the Hone will be; I can only plan thus far.

I pray that the love and desire I picked up for God will remain, so that you may be proud of me when I return.

I don’t know what the days ahead will be like as I try to settle down. Today was terrible. I’m afraid I’ll be an emotional wreck. Already I’m berating myself for not staying for Christmas. I keep thinking of what you guys are doing now. During the day I imagined Isaac, Abraham, Timothy and the rest of them farming. Then I remembered that today’s the outreach. I’ve been praying that it’ll go with God’s blessings. And somehow, I know it will.

I’m not sure if the children there miss me. I think they’ve been desensitized. I would too, if I were them. It really doesn’t make sense to put in effort in a relationship that lasts only for as long as the other party’s stay at Home. But on my side, it hurts. To love them and feel that they don’t love me.
That they will forget me.

It’s Christmas tomorrow. I’m glad weiling reminded me that it isn’t about where we are. It’s about Jesus coming to change our lives.
I think I’ll manage somehow. I have to anyway.
Maybe I’ll really email you, when it gets really bad.

Love,
Rachel.
24th December 2005.