maybe one day i'll write that handbook

watching the olympians, thinking about their supporters 

it must be a long road, loving an olympic athlete. for months on end they are away from home, training and enduring demands that tax them physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. the supporter knows this, yet may do so little to lessen the struggle that must exist for growth. 

i wonder how they do it, i wonder what they do. surely they communicate with the other regularly, constantly. is twice a week enough? along with chats on gmail? 

as training intensifies and the pace increases, the athlete comes under greater pressure- now there are down days, doubting days; it gets harder to haul. the supporter feels it, and wonders what to do. 

caring that the athlete is straining is one thing, but it seems the only question whose answer matters is how the supporter may support in the way that matters. it appears there no handbooks on How To Heart Your Olympian In Ways That Matter. and google turns up no answers. (yes, i checked). 

i wonder how they support their olympian each step of the way, every time their athlete returns to his training ground, every heavy day. through the daily toil, illnesses that fret them more, when their loved ones tell them, 'i had a pretty rough day today'. what do they say then, to lift his weary head? 

-

this may be a one times challenging question- 

but i am going to find an answer.  

"yea; better to be completely honest and real, than to insist on the appearance of happiness, just for the sake of the end"

still learning the notes of redemption's song :]

i would like

- a holiday; it's been a long 7 months, work-wise.

- to go somewhere and see some beauty, breathe fresh air and remember that disorder and mismanagement are not the only things left in the world; that there is laughter and life and some sunshine still.

- some real solid food; cf hebrews 5.

[pause]

- to have recorded the conversation held in mandarin; 我们要必须进步, and all that.


- after-conversation pleasantness to last; all the way, through rough days, the nicest kind of perfume trailing drowsily, luxuriously. 

one of those days worth remembering

because we talked it through. we each came to the table struggling and in bad shape, but we opened our mouths and spoke our hearts.

because difficult issues were brought up and faced squarely, even if bringing them up was costly. and it means a lot to me that they were even brought up, and all the more so precisely because of their cost. that's in the first place. on top of this, is that we faced them- and we didn't break. 

another momentous day, another lesson in communication. several points i count as gems, because of the courage and partnership called for. 

it could have gone so wrong; it did begin so hurtfully. but now we end the day with minds clearer, and, bond stronger. it is one of those days worth remembering.

the scribe knew.

²⁸  And one of the scribes came up and ... seeing that he answered them well, asked him, “Which commandment is the most important of all?” ²⁹ Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. ³⁰ And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ ³¹  The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

³² And the scribe said to him, “You are right, Teacher. You have truly said that he is one, and there is no other besides him. ³³ And to love him with all the heart and with all the understanding and with all the strength, and to love one's neighbour as oneself, is much more than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices.” ³⁴ And when Jesus saw that he answered wisely, he said to him, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.”

still thinking

some general remarks

1) this website has changed its layout. i must register a measure of protest at the reinvention of the wheel.

2) tickets for chiang mai booked; i wonder what kind of relationship we'll have when we return. i presently categorise under pessimistic, but then i do think i have reason to be. unpleasantness just gets tiring after years, you know? i'd like to think that i'm loved somewhere, but every memory of recent interaction puts that to rest. i can't remember the last time we laughed together, or gave something better than politeness. this isn't the way it should be.

3) won't you please choose life? please choose life.

4) it's been a heavy heart within, thinking thoughts.

if pigs can fly

so can a lobstercrab. whoo

looking about right

- recently, legs swinging from a high chair at liat's starbucks, i learnt to form a heart from two straws. a few days later, i learnt something prettier still. at the moment i think i could sit in a room surrounded by straws and be quite happy.

- i have little things, like a dress of cupcake and jamie&the hot air balloon; tokens, or else bits of hope, like shards of glass that hold a rainbow within.

- i try, on top of the thoughts i'm mulling over, to be consistent. it seems to me one of the greatest mark of character, and in line with its worth, amongst the hardest. i fear it will be some time before i own consistency.

- next on the list is to have tolkien's trilogy sitting in my room. dum dum dumdumdum dumdumdum dumdumdum dumdumdum dumdum (repeat)

verb (used with object)

3.

to acknowledge or admit: to own a fault.

5.

to acknowledge as one's own; recognize as having full claim, authority, power, dominion, etc: He owned his child beforethe entire assembly. They owned the king as their lord.

till that great someday-

today, i too remember.

comp(f)ounded helicopters

munching on a mango, ears still hot despite water patting.

heads up, even if doors have to be swanned, classes sound horribly intimidating, the phone isn't all that there and nice+cheap chinese somehow became $22 italian fish and chips- things will settle down in a week or two and more importantly, them challenges, once faced, have a way of shrinking from size-overwhelming to size-doable. (it'd be nice if that worked for dresses too.) heads up also because there's a certain ritual at nights that resizes stresses and worries into their proper place as we commune with the One who says be still and know that I am God; Him who is able to keep us from falling. things are never quite the same after meeting with Him.

and then, we've got what He's given us, a whole range, from hope (glorious hope), to 50 packets of dilmah, 100g, without sugar. never mind that the chocolate was eaten in ten minutes, and the soup didn't fare much better.

tea will be drunk in the mornings, assignments and to-do lists (given by God or earthly superiors) will be gotten through- and gotten through well-, and even if lines have to be repeated/i'm sorry what did you say? i didn't quite catch that-

we'll take everything with humour in our pockets, in our stride, and in Christ.

-

week by week it is.

Lenten meditations, day 2- on purpose.

"even in the ensuing chaos... Jesus... remained centered on God's purposes"

(Chong, in the upper room)

and he was calm.

- "Jesus knew..." (v1)

- "Jesus, knowing that..." (v3)

John 3:1-3

Jesus knew that his hour had come.

Jesus, knowing that the Father had...

-

He didn't look at the turmoil outside and within; but stayed his mind on what he had to do,

remembered where he had come from,

and where he was going.

He wasn't lost. even in the 'whelming flood.

here's a nice one:) http://lotsofscotts.blogspot.com/2012/02/him.html

love letter to you

Father dear, writing to You in a space that has become special over the years and i want to put this down, just for the record. i want to give You my special days (though, i only have one to call my own); i want to give You my every day.

i am thankful for You; You love me with a love that keeps me in wonder. this is how we know what love is- while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

⁷ For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—⁸ but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

(Romans 5)

You love me and make me new. i know i have a long way to go and there's so much more You have to work in and through me, to make me more like You and Yours, but for what has been wrought, i am thankful. i have always been thankful for the change You've made since year one. actually i sit here and really all i want to say is, i love You.

i love You because You loved me first. thank You, for loving me, and being patient with me. thank You for Your love that is tender and gentle; shy, yancey called it. a shy love that hides more than it reveals; restrains itself more than shoots through. it is mysterious and oftentimes i don't understand at all but-thank You for the lessons You teach me; mm and not just the lesson, but the journey too. i have learnt that Your ways are higher than mine, and infinitely good. thank You that i care at all.

i love You because in You there is hope. hope that makes even the ugliness around and within hopeful for redemption. the world may shout and shake its fist at You, demanding answers, and unhappily we Your Church has been wanting in truth and love. i reckon we'll have to answer for that during the great someday. but on Your part, sometimes the answers You give are not ones we are able to understand, and sometimes You do not care for answers at all. Be still and know that I am God, if we can't get this we won't get anything at all.

Father, i desire to be real. not shallow and flimsy but stedfast and true. i know there's still so very much more to go but for what's it worth, i do want You to be pleased with me. there's ugliness, no denying that but the whole point (and that's what makes it so precious) is, in You there is hope that the ugliness will transform- into something beautiful.

i want to spend the coming year with You; want to spend it knowing Your love, and loving You better. two weeks ago someone told me that to love You was to obey You- Lord, give the grace i will surely need. my heart is somewhat uneasy, fearful that i am too weak for You but Father, casting my mind back to remember, or else seeing the lives of those who love You more than i do, how may i say You are not worth everything i could ever offer?

So let me say, here and now, You are my first love and i am Yours. You bought me at a price incomparable and nothing else comes close. You love me most and You love me best. You know me- and yet You love me. Help me, Lord, to remember. and in remembering i will do, i will put my body where my soul is and my heart will follow, even in the dry seasons.

and in the dry seasons, still keep me, Lord. keep me for Your own name's sake and because You can. i can't. we both know that unfortunately well. i still don't understand why You won't just keep me from the ugly self but i know enough of You to know that You have Your ways and i will understand when i am through- or true. anyway, i have You! and Your love. maybe it's not a perfect me You want (as i understand perfection) but a me that loves You. and trusts You. and maybe You really do love me, flawed and messed up though i am, as i am. because i am Yours.

and one day, all things will be made new. and i will be perfect because- i will love You perfectly. and all that matters to me now, from hope of redemption to the little secret desires, will pass through the test of fire, and we'll see what stands. but no matter what, that day will be glorious, glorious, glorious, because creation will be whole once more. all that we've ever felt amiss, wrong, and unjust will be fulfilled, made right, and justified. forever.

and so- in the meantime, between that great someday and now, let me live each day working towards that reality. may i be disciplined in my every day; may my body live out what my soul believes, and my heart will follow, even in the dry seasons. help me to remember, Lord, and in remembering i will do.

i love You, Father.

-

You've made my heart to long for You

You set my mind on things above

You made my soul find rest in You

You are my song, You are my strength