Lenten meditations, day 2- on purpose.

"even in the ensuing chaos... Jesus... remained centered on God's purposes"

(Chong, in the upper room)

and he was calm.

- "Jesus knew..." (v1)

- "Jesus, knowing that..." (v3)

John 3:1-3

Jesus knew that his hour had come.

Jesus, knowing that the Father had...

-

He didn't look at the turmoil outside and within; but stayed his mind on what he had to do,

remembered where he had come from,

and where he was going.

He wasn't lost. even in the 'whelming flood.

here's a nice one:) http://lotsofscotts.blogspot.com/2012/02/him.html

love letter to you

Father dear, writing to You in a space that has become special over the years and i want to put this down, just for the record. i want to give You my special days (though, i only have one to call my own); i want to give You my every day.

i am thankful for You; You love me with a love that keeps me in wonder. this is how we know what love is- while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

⁷ For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—⁸ but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

(Romans 5)

You love me and make me new. i know i have a long way to go and there's so much more You have to work in and through me, to make me more like You and Yours, but for what has been wrought, i am thankful. i have always been thankful for the change You've made since year one. actually i sit here and really all i want to say is, i love You.

i love You because You loved me first. thank You, for loving me, and being patient with me. thank You for Your love that is tender and gentle; shy, yancey called it. a shy love that hides more than it reveals; restrains itself more than shoots through. it is mysterious and oftentimes i don't understand at all but-thank You for the lessons You teach me; mm and not just the lesson, but the journey too. i have learnt that Your ways are higher than mine, and infinitely good. thank You that i care at all.

i love You because in You there is hope. hope that makes even the ugliness around and within hopeful for redemption. the world may shout and shake its fist at You, demanding answers, and unhappily we Your Church has been wanting in truth and love. i reckon we'll have to answer for that during the great someday. but on Your part, sometimes the answers You give are not ones we are able to understand, and sometimes You do not care for answers at all. Be still and know that I am God, if we can't get this we won't get anything at all.

Father, i desire to be real. not shallow and flimsy but stedfast and true. i know there's still so very much more to go but for what's it worth, i do want You to be pleased with me. there's ugliness, no denying that but the whole point (and that's what makes it so precious) is, in You there is hope that the ugliness will transform- into something beautiful.

i want to spend the coming year with You; want to spend it knowing Your love, and loving You better. two weeks ago someone told me that to love You was to obey You- Lord, give the grace i will surely need. my heart is somewhat uneasy, fearful that i am too weak for You but Father, casting my mind back to remember, or else seeing the lives of those who love You more than i do, how may i say You are not worth everything i could ever offer?

So let me say, here and now, You are my first love and i am Yours. You bought me at a price incomparable and nothing else comes close. You love me most and You love me best. You know me- and yet You love me. Help me, Lord, to remember. and in remembering i will do, i will put my body where my soul is and my heart will follow, even in the dry seasons.

and in the dry seasons, still keep me, Lord. keep me for Your own name's sake and because You can. i can't. we both know that unfortunately well. i still don't understand why You won't just keep me from the ugly self but i know enough of You to know that You have Your ways and i will understand when i am through- or true. anyway, i have You! and Your love. maybe it's not a perfect me You want (as i understand perfection) but a me that loves You. and trusts You. and maybe You really do love me, flawed and messed up though i am, as i am. because i am Yours.

and one day, all things will be made new. and i will be perfect because- i will love You perfectly. and all that matters to me now, from hope of redemption to the little secret desires, will pass through the test of fire, and we'll see what stands. but no matter what, that day will be glorious, glorious, glorious, because creation will be whole once more. all that we've ever felt amiss, wrong, and unjust will be fulfilled, made right, and justified. forever.

and so- in the meantime, between that great someday and now, let me live each day working towards that reality. may i be disciplined in my every day; may my body live out what my soul believes, and my heart will follow, even in the dry seasons. help me to remember, Lord, and in remembering i will do.

i love You, Father.

-

You've made my heart to long for You

You set my mind on things above

You made my soul find rest in You

You are my song, You are my strength

i opened my inbox, intending to reply to a letter; it turned into a conversation instead. it's okay, that worked too. in whichever way it did, that is. but things go the way they do, or you could do a garfield and ask me not to tell life you're hiding behind the couch. i won't tell.

i want to watch the lord of the rings, the whole thing at one sitting. i want to take a boat ride out into the ocean. i want some retail therapy, some nightlight watching, some riverside sitting.

want some macha, some friends to be alright again.

oh! prawn fishing.

-

watch the waves lap against the boardwalk, black blanket of a night sky above.

night lights bright in the distance; do bobbing buoys glow as they float on water?

and hi, are you coming yet, if ever, at all, etc. i'm aware of the wait (unfortunately)

if you came now, i apologise in advance- the door's closed.

daddy closed the door because the man is smoking

am, at the moment, more than usually skeptical of adverts that promise fulfillment of potential, or dreams. or fulfillment of anything.

oh, hoo-rayyy

last post of the year!

i'm glad 2011 is over, and a whole new year is coming.

currently though, it's a little hard to feel nostalgic or reflective because i'm beside mommy, who's asking me about computers (her theme of the year, probably). but it's alright.

i did a personality test this morning, 243 pages. it was fairly interesting; i'd like to know my results, but i doubt that'll ever happen.

jars of clay playing on grooveshark; little details capturing the last day of year.

i take out a piece of belgian praline (wiki says praline and belgian praline are different) virginie brought as a present when she flew down recently and cut it in half; half is for me, half for daddy who likes chocolate too.

i'll be meeting john in a bit, we're wanting to get tea before yf. more little things; i like little things.

i am sooo glad 2011 is over. yayyyy. happy new year all! *beams.

taking a break from replying christmas cards.

the days leading up to christmas was somewhat difficult; i was aware of it, but not why, at least not till i was talking with my brother and zac on christmas day itself over lunch, and realised it was probably because we'd spent so many years out of the country during christmas that when we were here this year, we were kind of lost. we were used to scooting off to the airport on the xth of december, and making our epic way up to chiang mai via public buses and third class sixteen hour train rides, and then spending the days prior to christmas assembling sweets and goodies for children, and rehearsing for the christmas skit, agreeing to be mary, or joseph, a roman soldier or even a mad woman. like, seriously. no role non-negotiable.

and so with such memories and tradition, being here for the christmas season had me feeling like a fish out of water, and distinctly unchristmassey. i even forgot to prepare for christmas the way i used to before. and i thought this year christmas would be a kind of forced happiness. but-

on christmas day, standing in the middle of fellowship hall (what a lovely name) after service, with various people coming up and hearing my name called to be given cards and baked goodies, i found it. i found the meaning for christmas at home: it's in being surrounded and loved by the ones i love.

and so now, i'll write back to those i was loved by... after i come back from caroling. haha. <3 merry christmas everyone, for real now.

hey folks

Merry Christmas (:

1) i hate sleepless nights. if hate isn't acceptable, then i thoroughly, thoroughly dislike sleepless nights. with all i have.

2) sleepless nights are difficult to get through in more ways than one.

3) just stoning, waiting for me to get past myself.

i'm going to indulge gloriously and get ready for bed soon. i'm back from two weeks of fellowshipping and sinking into wonderful company, yf camps always tastes of heaven and late bedtime talks at mary-ruth's lovely, cosy home. i'm thankful for the past half-month and the fact that there's still a week to christmas.

keep the yuletide spirit, yo.

give me a garment of praise

Father, there was change today. I'm still a little confounded -and tired- by it. But, I trust You! So we'll do this.

a receipe for: a happy family

humbled by my parents' love and how much they are willing to set aside just because we are theirs. and i am further humbled because i know what kind of children we are- my brother and i are not the easiest of children in ourselves, let alone to raise, not by a long shot.

i think over the past ten minutes and see how important kindness is. which brings a groan within because i know who i am and what i'm most like. hope of redemption, yes, always, but sometimes people have more to redeem and i am one of those.

kindness, and then some joy. some laughter that makes lovers crinkle their eyes at each other, and until they have a baby to laugh at. it don't matter how he look like, tall and fat is as good as any if he has a heart that beats right.

i dunno, maybe it's because i'm in a sombre mood i feel the most despairing and boring of people. like, Lord, let it be, could i be ones of these? but, ahwell. as i was saying-

kindness and gentleness, with lots of laughter in between; how's that for a family receipe.

Life- i know it's not friday but it sure feels like it. i weighed my life just now and the scales read happy; although, i suppose that's not gospel truth since it tends to be about recaliberating- back to Christ and His. but anyway-

it's like a friday happy :)

hullo november-

i intend to enjoy you.

it's friday night, and i'm at home spending a quiet evening, instead of running about in town with x face or group. last week i came home at 4.30am, and forgot the world, the world forgot. waking up at a quarter to four is an announcement to make once a season, and not oftener.

tonight i am feeling affectionate, and i lavish my affection on this place. never mind how sad that sounds. i am fully entitled to lavish my affection on spaces- spaces, mind, not inanimate objects. besides, any space that has spent seven years- we're into our eighth now- with me has the right to my affections. i will miss this little corner if i ever leave; it's seen me grow from them jc days. which totally explains the name; observe the expression of individuality and nerdiness blended into a combination of seventeen year old cool.

speaking of which, often, i think about- the arrival gate of our country's airport. i like it much better than the departure gate, which i almost never go, unless leaver falls in the space (space) where in-my-heart and self-is-able-to-handle-saying-goodbye meet. things don't really go well otherwise.

i'll go the distance/if it brings you back to me, sings yamagata, and well, really? would you? would i? questions i could think about, but thoughtfulness brings a darkness, sometimes. i've learnt the fallacy of wondering-wandering- in vacuums; also, recently, i was taught to think in context.

this appetite for words appears insatiable/shooting out words on overdrive.

anyone tried pickled mushrooms in olive oil? it's one of those things too good to keep to the self. courtesy of the god-grandmother; God bless god-grandmothers. i know with all certainty i can eat it every night for a week: obession reminiscent of tang yuan craze years and years ago. methinks i'll always remember walking over to beauty world after school for the tang yuan fix till, one day i woke up and knew it was over. but back to pickled mushrooms in olive oil- for now, the only thing that's keeping me from devouring the little pickled bottle is the mental reminder that it's meant to be shared; childhood lesson sacrosanct. i won't have it every night for a week, in spite of myself.

ah, fit's over. as a suitably suitable ending, i have to say, i absolutely dig the english major label. linguist pride.

so my dad was telling me about his plan to change our car's engine system to be more efficient, since petrol prices keep rising. as i sat there and listened to his description, i thought- 'i have such a cool dad'.

it's still the same :)

drops of jupiter/ in a burning room

- oh, for a place of beauty.

because i've been to milky-blue lakes and ancient glaciers, and skies rolling beyond the sea. i've seen steppes and boys riding bareback on horses, leaping up and galloping wild into the fields. i've seen mountains that moved me to silent whispers, streams that rippled crystal clear over smooth oval pebbles.

i've seen the sea in sepia, i've seen it in technicolor. i've seen the sun set in splendour that took my breath away; i saw the moon rise from behind the hill, near enough to touch. i'll always remember, perhaps, trying to catch the moon. thank you, you who were once here, for imagining with me, precisely for not saying, the moon cannot be caught.

beauty is no longer part of my daily living, and what we don't see - reality|memory is- nothing more substantial than a film of tracing paper. more than that, something within has lain down and closed its eyes, that once was alive. it doesn't live here, it can't.

- time: a matter of colour shading in, -and sleep is a smell.