thinking aloud

Ayalguu says:
thoughts about mmm
stability
the line between introspection and self-obsession
the need for the first, but not the other
is being detached good?

p. says:
no
hmm
u're fluctuating again
it doesnt have to be either or

Ayalguu says:
i suppose
i'm trying, though, i'm trying to understand what it means

p. says:
intorspection and self obsession?
u need introspection
but if ur centre shifts away from God
then its selfobsession
so then u stop


...



Ayalguu says:
when to care, and when not to
is another big question

p. says:
hmm
u cant tell?

Ayalguu says:
no, pea. when i start to care about something it becomes almost obsessive
like, take this thing with x. i haven't been able to detach myself from it

p. says:
so learn not to..

Ayalguu says:
learn, yes. but how do i learn?
is it a matter of just blocking everything out (either or, again), or is there more?

p. says:
it shouldnt be either or
u dont need to detach
just need to manage
as u grow
u need to learn to not fluctuate like a sinus curve
when u catch urself doing it
bring it to God
and then let it be

no one can answer these qns for u
its got to be God
and him letting u know when to let go
and when he does
u have to obey

Ayalguu says:
hmm
what does it mean to manage?

p says:
learn not to allow ur feelings to overcome everything

Ayalguu says:
involving both head and heart? as in, not separating the two in this process?

p. says:
YES

Ayalguu says:
sigh
this bears thinking over


__________


So... what does managing (as opposed to detachment) mean? uncannily enough, the rejection of "either or"ness, again. integration. how do i integrate my head and heart? bring it to God, and then let it be seemed the key line. not holding all the questions (and myrid possible answers) in my hands, demanding control over the situation.

okay, will probably update this again soon enough.

emotionally exhausted.

the going-ons in my head; out with the old, in with the new

quick note after a post from lotsofscotts i really echo:

it's not about doing, doing doing. constant checklists to make sure i am here, or there, at this point in life, at that point in life. or to allow the current circumstances or moods in what i'm going through become the point of my life. to be mastered by what i think i should be, or should do. i cannot be characterised by what i need to do/work on; i have gifts i possess.

in my own strength in my own tries i will never score. i can't fix myself at all, and definitely not by pasting a mental checklist of where i am and where i should be, and how to get there. that's all wrong. i can't muster anything from my flesh.

Summary, in point form:
1. it's not about doing.
2. current circumstances and moods cannot become the point.
3. i cannot be mastered by what i think i should be, or should do.
4. i cannot characterise myself by what i need to work on.
5. i can't fix myself, i can't muster anything from the flesh.
6. i have gifts i possess, given by my Father.
7. if i can't do anything, what can i do? - nothing.

i can't do anything. the frantic hands flying hard at work, the stress and pressure from pre-emting preemting pre-emting- stop, rachel. stop anticipating, second-guessing, working. especially in your head. let your thoughts dwell on another, better source instead.

... whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. (Philippians 4:8)

there are lovelier things to fill my mind with.

today was the first day of school for me but honestly i feel like i've clocked in five full days, possibly even six.

i suppose a lot of it is mental, starting the day badly and having that feeling stay for some hours before slowly fighting against it; even fighting to remember to be thankful tires the spirit. am wondering why i feel so tired, and like all i want to do is sleep. i feel like there isn't a point i have to make here, or a theme to follow on. i'll just jot down whatever comes to mind.

first. i feel like i'm being pulled in many ways. school has been particularly heavy, it used to be a heavy period maybe twice a sem but this sem it seems i have had rest weeks only twice. i think also the absence of free time tolls too; from monday to friday/saturday all my evenings are taken by different weekly committments and i have had like, two night outs as far as i can remember, both times dinner with gayle on wednesday and then only because ifg was cancelled. an additional effect from this is now i feel guilt when meeting various other friends, like i am obliged to meet up because i haven't spent time with whoever for so long when i should have been in regular contact. like adam, for example. i think i've lost the joy in meeting people, or anticipating the time together anyway. it's functional, another obligation to fulfil.
also, i haven't had my sabbath rest for two weeks now, and i think it really might be a factor esp when it's the time set aside to unwind. last sunday was because anudeep had flown down from hk to be with us, so i spent the day with the boys, and then it was becky's surprise birthday dinner in the night so i stayed at her place till elevenish. i mean, i don't regret any of it i had a fantastic time with both groups. but it just seems like as much as i want to there isn't enough of me that i can stretch out and not feel like i'm about to tear somewhere. also week before was (useless) project meeting in town, and i rushed back home after that to bake brownies before family dinner and then a 2hr++ round trip to pasir ris.

today i woke up happily enough because it was raining heavily and i lolled around for some time, but by the time i got down the bus it was like i had been drugged along the way, i was so tired. maybe the bus was dirty (it felt like how i feel when i spend time in a particularly dusty room) but i really just wanted to hide in a dark room somewhere and knock myself unconscious. feeling like this i had 2 presentations to face, and at the end i really wasn't in the best state. sigh. add the announcement of a fifth deadline due this week, general lethargy after 2 presentations, the knowledge of a test, project meeting x 2, need to prepare for project meetings (one of which took > 2 hours), not liking any of my modules, feeling like all my effort had been useless... everything was just adding up, and i didn't even factor in tuition after school. i'm glad i didn't because tonight was one of the more tiring sessions.

like i said, a lot of it is mental; what happens, what do i do. how do i manage. how do i view the modules, how do i face what is marked down multiple times on the calender.
.

i dunno. it feels like week after week something new comes to challenge me, and invariably they have arms and hands that reach up from below and pull me down. i seem to always fall. new lessons, new fights, new insecurities, new obstacles, funny how the word new is so optimistic. how about more. more lessons, more fights, more insecurities, more obstacles. aha.

i'm tired. events that happened the week before last look like they happened in a distant past, a month or two ago maybe.
i would like to sleep and wake up when it's all over, please.

i mean, there was a positive point during the later half of the day, from 4-7ish maybe. during that time i felt better, like that maybe i could do this, and if i put my mind to treating the modules fairly and objectively there's enough in me to do all of them well. well this also coincided after i ate enough kinder blueno and cadbury chocolate to give me the onset of a headache (too much potency possibly) but the point is during that time i was trying to believe.

how, where do i find the fight within me to carry on.
.

today was my first day of school for the week.

i love it when it rains. i wish it would thunderstorm.

last week officially finished yesterday, and i am glad. too much happened last week; by wednesday i was crying again and the heavy heart went on to thursday, friday, twenty four hours felt like entire weeks then. trying to deal with missing x, and my flaws, i am so bad at these. i don't know.

10 days sounds like a walk in the park, and most times it is, at least until something that matters happens. don't remind me that i only just finished day 7, even. it didn't feel like just seven days and it was so much more than that.

but there were lessons learnt, and also i think this week will be different.

in light of yesterday's figurings (i wish i wasn't so sleepy)

faith and grace, faith and grace. faith in the future because of the grace that is before and already in me. and the foolishness of asking big things from God when all He is saying is "Come to Me." Yet forgiveness from Christ who still stands by the shore when I've grumpily shoved my boat out into the sea and am futilely fishing.

WOW. i have to think upon this.

John Piper: The Purifying Power of Living by Faith in Future Grace
Oswald Chambers: Coming to Jesus
Our Daily Bread: Déjà Vu All Over Again

i figure i need to spill out everything i have inside, it's filled way past below and above the eyeballs and i can't see clearly at the mo. have been trying to put a good face on it, but there are also other ways to deal and here i go.

tomorrow i'm meeting adam for breakfast, to hear his plans for the rest of this year, his thoughts over esther, to care. then it's ely for lunch, jiamin after and ag meeting last of all. if we end about ten i might oblige myself to go down to the airport, to welcome anudeep for the weekend. this is on top of remembering that next week i have 2 graded presentations, a test, and ism paper3 due. shall i include the weekend outlook?

these are things to do, that i keep in my head. but then in that same place there are also the things i think. met g for dinner last night, and we talked about where we are now, the things we have to deal with being at this stage, and what might come after. we talked about whether we think God made The One/the best for us, the problems that come now as we work various issues out, the problems that come later, what it means to love, serve and submit. for the record, we don't think God did, but that the end product of any two should be a marriage that brings glory to Him, that reflects His love and mercy and faithfulness etc. i think the thoughts at yesterday's thrash session have carried on their wayward way, and i find myself feeling rather blue at how seemingly hopeless i am, how seemingly hopeless guys are, how frail and flawed we all are, how selfish and hurtful we can be. right now i feel small, and cowering. there are these big monsters out there, they tower far beyond me, help.

see, these are the things i try to deal with, and finding the balance between throwing myself on others (not a good thing) and keeping everything within self (not good either) has been much the bumpy journey. i have fallen often and after all the falls and jolts i am dazed, i don't know which method is right anymore or what i should do, or even what can be done. am i allowed to rely on people?
two things ws said, first rachel you are/your heart is not a machine, and secondly that an "either or" approach is not the point. well these look like they might be clues to guide my feet somewhere, the compass that position the toes. but.

is it a matter of perspectives, of changing the lens through which i peer at the world? growing up is hard to do man. i know His grace is sufficient and it is, for me. but but but. there are demons in my closet, they bring memories of ugly things, like pride, weakness and love lost. parading frame after frame like portraits in guilded gold frames, i recall the fear, insecurity and ununderstanding. in the face of the worst examples, how do we believe in our future?
and this is the heart of the fear, innit rach. that a damaged machine can only produce damaged goods. there. here. i've dug deep enough, i've found it; i've named it. now the burdens of the others make sense.

somehow i have to revoke the past and all that i had denied and avoided in it, and sort them out, before i can handle my present and future.

from lotsofscotts

My mother-in-law and I had a good conversation last night about what she is learning so far...how appreciative she is of a rock solid marriage, how blessed she feels to have such supportive friends.She mentioned how humbling it was to read through comments of support and pledges of prayers left here. She remarked on all she has learned about the burden of 'things.'

One thing she said that has really lingered with me is how she is learning a lot about what to say (and not to say) to those going through their own 'floods.' Her conclusion: Just being there is often much more meaningful than what you say. I have heard it said 90% of life is just showing up. I might argue the validity of that statement in some things...but in relationships, it certainly holds some truth.

"I am here. I am praying. I am sorry." Those are powerful words.

As a friend of mine and I were just discussing Friday, people just want to know they are not walking through this crazy world alone. They just want to know that someone else has been where they are, has felt what they feel and won't leave them there without companionship. We need each other.

So, look around you. Don't overthink it. You don't need all the answers, you don't have to know why it happened or what the lesson is... Just show some kindness and godly love to the people God puts in your path. "Doing life" with other people is a huge gift. Meeting people where they are, entering their world...it is not a new concept. God modeled it in the gift of His Son.

The doctrine of God’s sovereignty is an anchor for the troubled soul, a hope for the praying heart, a stability for fragile faith, a confidence in pursuing the lost, a guarantee of Christ’s atonement, a high mystery to keep us humble, and a solid ground for all praise. And oh so much more. O Lord, turn this truth for the triumph of your saving and sanctifying grace.
- John Piper

The stars were the furnaces in which the elements that make up our human bodies were cooked. Chemically speaking, we are animated stardust.
- Vinoth Ramachandra

For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things.
- John


& . 2 passages-

1.
1 John 3:16-20 (King James Version)
Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.
But whoso hath this world's good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him?
My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.
And hereby we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before him.
For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things.

2.
Thank God for being able to see all that you have not yet been. You have had the vision, but you are not yet to the reality of it by any means. It is when we are in the valley, where we prove whether we will be the choice ones, that most of us turn back. We are not quite prepared for the bumps and bruises that must come if we are going to be turned into the shape of the vision. We have seen what we are not, and what God wants us to be, but are we willing to be battered into the shape of the vision to be used by God? The beatings will always come in the most common, everyday ways and through common, everyday people.

There are times when we do know what God’s purpose is; whether we will let the vision be turned into actual character depends on us, not on God. If we prefer to relax on the mountaintop and live in the memory of the vision, then we will be of no real use in the ordinary things of which human life is made. We have to learn to live in reliance upon what we saw in the vision, not simply live in ecstatic delight and conscious reflection upon God. This means living the realities of our lives in the light of the vision until the truth of the vision is actually realized in us. Every bit of our training is in that direction. Learn to thank God for making His demands known.

Our little "I am" always sulks and pouts when God says do. Let your little "I am" be shriveled up in God’s wrath and indignation--"I AM WHO I AM . . . has sent me to you" ( Exodus 3:14 ). He must dominate. Isn’t it piercing to realize that God not only knows where we live, but also knows the gutters into which we crawl! He will hunt us down as fast as a flash of lightning. No human being knows human beings as God does.

fight to be faithful/to Him who is able to keep us from falling

rnht- school is like, wrinkly gooey caterpillars newly hatched and waving nasty forelegs at you disgusting eyeless snotballs says:
like i was saying, i was thinking today about the So, and the So Whats. so what if there's mr x in my life, so what if this or that.
and it suddenly occured to me (while listening to townend's 'There is a Hope'), that it's about faith. the beauty of faith, of a life lived like that. lived faithfully. that this is the only thing that stands, and
rnht- school is like, wrinkly gooey caterpillars newly hatched and waving nasty forelegs at you disgusting eyeless snotballs says:
is higher than the questions of love of questions of work of choice of youth adult middle aged life
rnht- school is like, wrinkly gooey caterpillars newly hatched and waving nasty forelegs at you disgusting eyeless snotballs says:
and today a close friend of mine reminded me about "fighting to be as faithful as He is to me".
and that's the way it is, isn't it. the fight. fighting isn't.. to stand there and feel down or insecure. fighting is to wield a weapon and give as good as it gets, to pummel the. the uncertainty, the unease, the unfaithfulness that takes our eyes away from Him
and pastor Quek talked about it, didn't he. to be faithful, to be humble, and to be watchful. be faithful to Him who has been faithful to us, humble, because we cannot be anything else when we remember His great mercy and salvation on the cross and how He will sustain us, if only we look to Him. He will sustain us, danny and then to be watchful, against the devil who aims to
rnht- school is like, wrinkly gooey caterpillars newly hatched and waving nasty forelegs at you disgusting eyeless snotballs says:
drag us down with all the doubts. but we have to fight against those doubts, take our eyes off ourselves and look to Him who is able to keep us from falling.

saturday, 26/09

i realised something today: i overthink. and it's an excess that doesn't just go to the point of unnecessity, but unhealthy. well it can, anyway, and often does. so this evening i was working on a concious stopping of this habit. see, if the hurt comes, it comes and when it comes is when to start to feel. to do so before, to preempt or predict the situation is to borrow the pain and it's the borrowing that makes it wrong. for as long as it is still on its way, it doesn't exist in anywhere but my mind and so to imagine the outcome into emotional reality is mere melodrama, it is unfair and immature and shallow, i don't want this anymore.

living in this citynation-

chelism says:
i mean
chelism says:
singapore is crazy
chelism says:
either you go a little crazy, or you die a little, if you stay all your life
chelism says:
esp for our generation
chelism says:
our parents grew up in kampongs and multilingual communities and climbed trees
chelism says:
skipped exams, things like that


__________


I don't want to go a little crazy, nor die a little.
I want to live in the pursuit of the beautiful.

i have suddenly realised just how very much there is to be thankful for- realised it today as i was walking down a road, that i am thankful. thankful to be in pumps and shorts and brown bagpack, even for green glasses and long hair coming down my shoulders. for the grand old trees i was walking under, and the freshness of the air just rained upon. also thankful to feel thankfulness, because it is so freeing. and that's probably the most significant thing. but yes, there is much to be thankful for.

my heart is too full, it spills out through the eyes.

sacrificing my heart on the altar brings tears, but it also brings joy.

i will stay in perfect peace.

Isaiah 26:3 (King James Version)
Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.

On Romans 8

1There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.

A walking after the Spirit.. and not the flesh. A thread that runs through the next few verses.

2For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.

Spirit law vs. the Law. By the latter I am condemned, but with the former I live.

6For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.

Why?

7Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.
8So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God.

~

13For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.

Elizabeth Elliot on 8:13-

There is no getting around the etymology of the word mortify. It comes
from the Latin for death... A modern translation makes it even more
direct. "But if by the Spirit you put to death all the base pursuits of
the body, then you will live." There is a list in Colossians 3:5: fornication,
indecency, lust, foul cravings, and the ruthless greed which is nothingl ess
than idolatry. These are the products of human desire, if human desire
is given free rein. The Christian has handed the reins over to his Master. His
human desires are brought into line. The desires still exist, are still strong,
natural, and human, but they are subjugated to the higher power of the Spirit.
They are purified and corrected as we live day by day in faith and obedience.

~

On hope-

24For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for?
25But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.

Hope not for my secret desires, which He already knows, but the final, wondrous day, where everything is made perfect, and there shall be no more secrets, or mortifications, for on that day, we will be made perfect, we shall be like Him.

I love verse 26, and then also 27-28: Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.
27And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
28And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

I had all but forgotten that Someone prays for me, until I was reading Elliot this morning:

... A little quiet reflection will remind me that yes to God always leads in the end to joy. We can absolutely bank on that.

Another great comfort to me during the long uncertainity was the
knowledge that I was being prayed for, not only by friends and family, but-
wonder of wonders- by Christ Himself, who always lives to intercede for us, and
by the Holy Spirit, who "... comes to the aid of our weakness. We do not even
know how we ought to pray, but through our inarticulate groans the Spirit
himself is pleading for us, and God who searches our inmost being knows what the
Spirit means, because He pleads for God's people in God's own way."

What joy! Verse34 also says that Christ makes intercession for us. I am :)))encouraged, and uplifted by the thought.

Finally:

35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
36As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
37Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
38For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.