i figure i need to spill out everything i have inside, it's filled way past below and above the eyeballs and i can't see clearly at the mo. have been trying to put a good face on it, but there are also other ways to deal and here i go.

tomorrow i'm meeting adam for breakfast, to hear his plans for the rest of this year, his thoughts over esther, to care. then it's ely for lunch, jiamin after and ag meeting last of all. if we end about ten i might oblige myself to go down to the airport, to welcome anudeep for the weekend. this is on top of remembering that next week i have 2 graded presentations, a test, and ism paper3 due. shall i include the weekend outlook?

these are things to do, that i keep in my head. but then in that same place there are also the things i think. met g for dinner last night, and we talked about where we are now, the things we have to deal with being at this stage, and what might come after. we talked about whether we think God made The One/the best for us, the problems that come now as we work various issues out, the problems that come later, what it means to love, serve and submit. for the record, we don't think God did, but that the end product of any two should be a marriage that brings glory to Him, that reflects His love and mercy and faithfulness etc. i think the thoughts at yesterday's thrash session have carried on their wayward way, and i find myself feeling rather blue at how seemingly hopeless i am, how seemingly hopeless guys are, how frail and flawed we all are, how selfish and hurtful we can be. right now i feel small, and cowering. there are these big monsters out there, they tower far beyond me, help.

see, these are the things i try to deal with, and finding the balance between throwing myself on others (not a good thing) and keeping everything within self (not good either) has been much the bumpy journey. i have fallen often and after all the falls and jolts i am dazed, i don't know which method is right anymore or what i should do, or even what can be done. am i allowed to rely on people?
two things ws said, first rachel you are/your heart is not a machine, and secondly that an "either or" approach is not the point. well these look like they might be clues to guide my feet somewhere, the compass that position the toes. but.

is it a matter of perspectives, of changing the lens through which i peer at the world? growing up is hard to do man. i know His grace is sufficient and it is, for me. but but but. there are demons in my closet, they bring memories of ugly things, like pride, weakness and love lost. parading frame after frame like portraits in guilded gold frames, i recall the fear, insecurity and ununderstanding. in the face of the worst examples, how do we believe in our future?
and this is the heart of the fear, innit rach. that a damaged machine can only produce damaged goods. there. here. i've dug deep enough, i've found it; i've named it. now the burdens of the others make sense.

somehow i have to revoke the past and all that i had denied and avoided in it, and sort them out, before i can handle my present and future.