today was the first day of school for me but honestly i feel like i've clocked in five full days, possibly even six.

i suppose a lot of it is mental, starting the day badly and having that feeling stay for some hours before slowly fighting against it; even fighting to remember to be thankful tires the spirit. am wondering why i feel so tired, and like all i want to do is sleep. i feel like there isn't a point i have to make here, or a theme to follow on. i'll just jot down whatever comes to mind.

first. i feel like i'm being pulled in many ways. school has been particularly heavy, it used to be a heavy period maybe twice a sem but this sem it seems i have had rest weeks only twice. i think also the absence of free time tolls too; from monday to friday/saturday all my evenings are taken by different weekly committments and i have had like, two night outs as far as i can remember, both times dinner with gayle on wednesday and then only because ifg was cancelled. an additional effect from this is now i feel guilt when meeting various other friends, like i am obliged to meet up because i haven't spent time with whoever for so long when i should have been in regular contact. like adam, for example. i think i've lost the joy in meeting people, or anticipating the time together anyway. it's functional, another obligation to fulfil.
also, i haven't had my sabbath rest for two weeks now, and i think it really might be a factor esp when it's the time set aside to unwind. last sunday was because anudeep had flown down from hk to be with us, so i spent the day with the boys, and then it was becky's surprise birthday dinner in the night so i stayed at her place till elevenish. i mean, i don't regret any of it i had a fantastic time with both groups. but it just seems like as much as i want to there isn't enough of me that i can stretch out and not feel like i'm about to tear somewhere. also week before was (useless) project meeting in town, and i rushed back home after that to bake brownies before family dinner and then a 2hr++ round trip to pasir ris.

today i woke up happily enough because it was raining heavily and i lolled around for some time, but by the time i got down the bus it was like i had been drugged along the way, i was so tired. maybe the bus was dirty (it felt like how i feel when i spend time in a particularly dusty room) but i really just wanted to hide in a dark room somewhere and knock myself unconscious. feeling like this i had 2 presentations to face, and at the end i really wasn't in the best state. sigh. add the announcement of a fifth deadline due this week, general lethargy after 2 presentations, the knowledge of a test, project meeting x 2, need to prepare for project meetings (one of which took > 2 hours), not liking any of my modules, feeling like all my effort had been useless... everything was just adding up, and i didn't even factor in tuition after school. i'm glad i didn't because tonight was one of the more tiring sessions.

like i said, a lot of it is mental; what happens, what do i do. how do i manage. how do i view the modules, how do i face what is marked down multiple times on the calender.
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i dunno. it feels like week after week something new comes to challenge me, and invariably they have arms and hands that reach up from below and pull me down. i seem to always fall. new lessons, new fights, new insecurities, new obstacles, funny how the word new is so optimistic. how about more. more lessons, more fights, more insecurities, more obstacles. aha.

i'm tired. events that happened the week before last look like they happened in a distant past, a month or two ago maybe.
i would like to sleep and wake up when it's all over, please.

i mean, there was a positive point during the later half of the day, from 4-7ish maybe. during that time i felt better, like that maybe i could do this, and if i put my mind to treating the modules fairly and objectively there's enough in me to do all of them well. well this also coincided after i ate enough kinder blueno and cadbury chocolate to give me the onset of a headache (too much potency possibly) but the point is during that time i was trying to believe.

how, where do i find the fight within me to carry on.
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today was my first day of school for the week.