i can't make paragraphs =Pp

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another.

Galatians 5:22-26

"Each is a different aspect of Christlikeness. In the Gospels, we see how Christ exemplified these virtues. Now He wants to produce them in our hearts—in what we say, how we think, and how we respond to life (John 15:1-4)".

if i had these characteristics in me... you know what? i want them.

which, conversely also means that my flesh has to die. crucified, at that.

sigh. it would hurt like... the whole past year, and then some, i'm guessing. which is kind of unnverving. oh but look what i pasted on gayle's blog yesterday:

Whenever God takes us through the land of affliction, He will do two things through that affliction:

1) He will bring such healing that we will be able to forget the pain, and

2) He will make us fruitful from the painful experiences.

there's always hope for us who believe in Christ. Always. with reality as it is, you can't ask for more than that. a hope that stands the test of time, that is proven, that is independent of circumstance.

i think i'm... a really mishapen person. i have like all these issues and pasts and falsities and downright arrogance, which makes me think of a doll-like figure that has layers and layers of steamed dough draped around it, unevenly; i'm a michelin doll gone horrifically wrong.

so. after all that reflection. i reiterate: i want to be fruit. i want to be loving, joyful, in peace, longsuffering, gentle, good, faithful, meek, temperant.

(okay everyone get ready to see the posts for the next year, HAH)

God works in mud.

from crazy love book:

Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives.

Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control.

it's just difficult. to see suffering in the world.

on food

sell the vatican! or our church.

i know i have that megahuge uni loan to pay off, and that people who work on social issues are hardly ever rich, and that oswald chambers really doesn't like people who tell God they wanna do this this this, but i'm going to stick my neck out and tell God: God, I really wanna get my hands dirty. pronto. in Your time, and in Your way, and without me being put behind bars for neglecting that ridiculous sum of money. ahhh! amen.

Be His strength in your arm/His love in your soul

Oswalds Chambers on heartbreak, emphasis mine:

Why shouldn’t we experience heartbreak? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us collapse at the first grip of pain. We sit down at the door of God’s purpose and enter a slow death through self-pity. And all the so-called Christian sympathy of others helps us to our deathbed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, as if to say, "Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine." If God can accomplish His purposes in this world through a broken heart, then why not thank Him for breaking yours?

Chambers on Faith

October 30, 2009

Faith

ODB RADIO: DownloadREAD:
Without faith it is impossible to please Him . . . —Hebrews 11:6

Faith in active opposition to common sense is mistaken enthusiasm and narrow-mindedness, and common sense in opposition to faith demonstrates a mistaken reliance on reason as the basis for truth. The life of faith brings the two of these into the proper relationship. Common sense and faith are as different from each other as the natural life is from the spiritual, and as impulsiveness is from inspiration. Nothing that Jesus Christ ever said is common sense, but is revelation sense, and is complete, whereas common sense falls short. Yet faith must be tested and tried before it becomes real in your life. "We know that all things work together for good . . ." ( Romans 8:28 ) so that no matter what happens, the transforming power of God’s providence transforms perfect faith into reality. Faith always works in a personal way, because the purpose of God is to see that perfect faith is made real in His children.

For every detail of common sense in life, there is a truth God has revealed by which we can prove in our practical experience what we believe God to be. Faith is a tremendously active principle that always puts Jesus Christ first. The life of faith says, "Lord, You have said it, it appears to be irrational, but I’m going to step out boldly, trusting in Your Word" (for example, see Matthew 6:33 ). Turning intellectual faith into our personal possession is always a fight, not just sometimes. God brings us into particular circumstances to educate our faith, because the nature of faith is to make the object of our faith very real to us. Until we know Jesus, God is merely a concept, and we can’t have faith in Him. But once we hear Jesus say, "He who has seen Me has seen the Father" ( John 14:9 ) we immediately have something that is real, and our faith is limitless. Faith is the entire person in the right relationship with God through the power of the Spirit of Jesus Christ.

&

What it means to seek the Lord.

How Willingly Do People Go to Hell?
Does Anyone Standing by the Lake of Fire Jump In?

Download:
By John Piper October 28, 2009

C.S. Lewis is one of the top 5 dead people who have shaped the way I see and respond to the world. But he is not a reliable guide on a number of important theological matters. Hell is one of them. His stress is relentlessly that people are not “sent” to hell but become their own hell. His emphasis is that we should think of “a bad man’s perdition not as a sentence imposed on him but as the mere fact of being what he is.” (For all the relevant quotes, see Martindale and Root, The Quotable Lewis, 288-295.)

This inclines him to say, “All that are in hell choose it.” And this leads some who follow Lewis in this emphasis to say things like, “All God does in the end with people is give them what they most want.”

I come from the words of Jesus to this way of talking and find myself in a different world of discourse and sentiment. I think it is misleading to say that hell is giving people what they most want. I’m not saying you can’t find a meaning for that statement that’s true, perhaps in Romans 1:24-28. I’m saying that it’s not a meaning that most people would give to it in light of what hell really is. I’m saying that the way Lewis deals with hell and the way Jesus deals with it are very different. And we would do well to follow Jesus.

The misery of hell will be so great that no one will want to be there. They will be weeping and gnashing their teeth (Matthew 8:12). Between their sobs, they will not speak the words, “I want this.” They will not be able to say amid the flames of the lake of fire (Revelation 20:14), “I want this.” “The smoke of their torment goes up forever and ever, and they have no rest, day or night” (Revelation 14:11). No one wants this.

When there are only two choices, and you choose against one, it does not mean that you want the other, if you are ignorant of the outcome of both. Unbelieving people know neither God nor hell. This ignorance is not innocent. Apart from regenerating grace, all people “suppress the truth in unrighteousness” (Romans 1:18).

The person who rejects God does not know the real horrors of hell. This may be because he does not believe hell exists, or it may be because he convinces himself that it would be tolerably preferable to heaven.

But whatever he believes or does not believe, when he chooses against God, he is wrong about God and about hell. He is not, at that point, preferring the real hell over the real God. He is blind to both. He does not perceive the true glories of God, and he does not perceive the true horrors of hell.

So when a person chooses against God and, therefore, de facto chooses hell—or when he jokes about preferring hell with his friends over heaven with boring religious people—he does not know what he is doing. What he rejects is not the real heaven (nobody will be boring in heaven), and what he “wants” is not the real hell, but the tolerable hell of his imagination.

When he dies, he will be shocked beyond words. The miseries are so great he would do anything in his power to escape. That it is not in his power to repent does not mean he wants to be there. Esau wept bitterly that he could not repent (Hebrew 12:17). The hell he was entering into he found to be totally miserable, and he wanted out. The meaning of hell is the scream: “I hate this, and I want out.”

What sinners want is not hell but sin. That hell is the inevitable consequence of unforgiven sin does not make the consequence desirable. It is not what people want—certainly not what they “most want.” Wanting sin is no more equal to wanting hell than wanting chocolate is equal to wanting obesity. Or wanting cigarettes is equal to wanting cancer.

Beneath this misleading emphasis on hell being what people “most want” is the notion that God does not “send” people to hell. But this is simply unbiblical. God certainly does send people to hell. He does pass sentence, and he executes it. Indeed, worse than that. God does not just “send,” he “throws.” “If anyone’s name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown (Greek eblethe) into the lake of fire” (Revelation 20:15; cf. Mark 9:47; Matthew 13:42; 25:30).

The reason the Bible speaks of people being “thrown” into hell is that no one will willingly go there, once they see what it really is. No one standing on the shore of the lake of fire jumps in. They do not choose it, and they will not want it. They have chosen sin. They have wanted sin. They do not want the punishment. When they come to the shore of this fiery lake, they must be thrown in.

When someone says that no one is in hell who doesn’t want to be there, they give the false impression that hell is within the limits of what humans can tolerate. It inevitably gives the impression that hell is less horrible than Jesus says it is.

We should ask: How did Jesus expect his audience to think and feel about the way he spoke of hell? The words he chose were not chosen to soften the horror by being accommodating to cultural sensibilities. He spoke of a “fiery furnace” (Matthew 13:42), and “weeping and gnashing teeth” (Luke 13:28), and “outer darkness” (Matthew 25:30), and “their worm [that] does not die” (Mark 9:48), and “eternal punishment” (Matthew 25:46), and “unquenchable fire” (Mark 9:43), and being “cut in pieces” (Matthew 24:51).

These words are chosen to portray hell as an eternal, conscious experience that no one would or could ever “want” if they knew what they were choosing. Therefore, if someone is going to emphasize that people freely “choose” hell, or that no one is there who doesn’t “want” to be there, surely he should make every effort to clarify that, when they get there, they will not want this.

Surely the pattern of Jesus—who used blazing words to blast the hell-bent blindness out of everyone— should be followed. Surely, we will grope for words that show no one, no one, no one will want to be in hell when they experience what it really is. Surely everyone who desires to save people from hell will not mainly stress that it is “wantable” or “chooseable,” but that it is horrible beyond description—weeping, gnashing teeth, darkness, worm-eaten, fiery, furnace-like, dismembering, eternal, punishment, “an abhorrence to all flesh” (Isaiah 66:24).

I thank God, as a hell-deserving sinner, for Jesus Christ my Savior, who became a curse for me and suffered hellish pain that he might deliver me from the wrath to come. While there is time, he will do that for anyone who turns from sin and treasures him and his work above all.

Trembling before such realities, and trusting Jesus,
Pastor John

© Desiring God Permissions: You are permitted and encouraged to reproduce and distribute this material in any format provided that you do not alter the wording in any way and do not charge a fee beyond the cost of reproduction. For web posting, a link to this document on our website is preferred. Any exceptions to the above must be approved by Desiring God. Please include the following statement on any distributed copy: By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: desiringGod.org




____________




Also,

God's love for each of us: http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/our-daily-bread/2009/10/29/devotion.aspx, and
Chamber's thoughts on biblical salvation vs. what some think it is: http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/my-utmost-for-his-highest/10/29/devotion.aspx?year=2009

busted

okay, i will never make a super secret agent

dad just came into the room asking if i've been fine recently (hmmm) and i didn't really know how to respond so i asked him why. and he said mom noticed i'd been sighing a lot lately, so wanted to know if i was alright. thankfully, with the way the latest developments have been working out i could honestly say i was fine. daddy then prayed for me and thereafter went to bed.
gg, can. i didn't even realise i had been. time to stop, i was just thinking tonight that i've been better recently, was just telling adam over lunch today that these days i notice and care about my surroundings, and rethinking it over earlier this evening made me realise that it was true.

okay i meant to say more but realised that my 2359 deadlines was approaching. just finished it (45 mins late), it is now 148hrs and i am sleepy. and msn is wonking out on me. goodnight world.

loving more, loving less

For Karsten Luke Piper
At His Wedding to
Rochelle Ann Orvis
May 29, 1995

The God whom we have loved, and in
Whom we have lived, and who has been
Our Rock these twenty-two good years
With you, now bids us, with sweet tears,
To let you go: "A man shall leave
His father and his mother, cleave
Henceforth unto his wife, and be
One unashaméd flesh and free."
This is the word of God today,
And we are happy to obey.
For God has given you a bride
Who answers every prayer we've cried
For over twenty years, our claim
For you, before we knew her name.

And now you ask that I should write
A poem - a risky thing, in light
Of what you know: that I am more
The preacher than the poet or
The artist. I am honored byYour bravery, and I comply.
I do not grudge these sweet confines
Of rhyming pairs and metered lines.
They are old friends. They like it when
I bid them help me once again
To gather feelings into form
And keep them durable and warm.

And so we met in recent days,
And made the flood of love and praise
And counsel from a father's heart
To flow within the banks of art.
Here is a portion of the stream,
My son: a sermon poem. It's theme:
A double rule of love that shocks;
A doctrine in a paradox:

If you now aim your wife to bless,
Then love her more and love her less.

If in the coming years, by some
Strange providence of God, you come
To have the riches of this age,
And, painless, stride across the stage
Beside your wife, be sure in health
To love her, love her more than wealth.

And if your life is woven in
A hundred friendships, and you spin
A festal fabric out of all
Your sweet affections, great and small,
Be sure, no matter how it rends,
To love her, love her more than friends.

And if there comes a point when you
Are tired, and pity whispers, "Do
Yourself a favor. Come, be free;
Embrace the comforts here with me."
Know this! Your wife surpasses these:
So love her, love her, more than ease.

And when your marriage bed is pure,
And there is not the slightest lure
Of lust for any but your wife,
And all is ecstasy in life,
A secret all of this protects:
Go love her, love her, more than sex.

And if your taste becomes refined,
And you are moved by what the mind
Of man can make, and dazzled byHis craft, remember that the "why"
Of all this work is in the heart;
So love her, love her more than art.

And if your own should someday be
The craft that critics all agree
Is worthy of a great esteem,
And sales exceed your wildest dream,
Beware the dangers of a name.
And love her, love her more than fame.

And if, to your surprise, not mine,
God calls you by some strange design
To risk your life for some great cause,
Let neither fear nor love give pause,
And when you face the gate of death,
Then love her, love her more than breath.

Yes, love her, love her, more than life;
O, love the woman called your wife.
Go love her as your earthly best.

Beyond this venture not. But, lest
Your love become a fool's facade,
Be sure to love her less than God.

It is not wise or kind to call
An idol by sweet names, and fall,
As in humility, before
A likeness of your God. Adore
Above your best beloved on earth
The God alone who gives her worth.
And she will know in second place
That your great love is also grace,
And that your high affections now
Are flowing freely from a vow
Beneath these promises, first made
To you by God. Nor will they fade
For being rooted by the stream
Of Heaven's Joy, which you esteem
And cherish more than breath and life,
That you may give it to your wife.

The greatest gift you give your wife
Is loving God above her life.
And thus I bid you now to bless:
Go love her more by loving less.

thought #2

i want to be an encourager... i want to live such that no one will be able to tell if i'm tired, or down. want to smile sweetly and cheer others on no matter what. remembering elliot and what she said about one days.

thinking aloud

Ayalguu says:
thoughts about mmm
stability
the line between introspection and self-obsession
the need for the first, but not the other
is being detached good?

p. says:
no
hmm
u're fluctuating again
it doesnt have to be either or

Ayalguu says:
i suppose
i'm trying, though, i'm trying to understand what it means

p. says:
intorspection and self obsession?
u need introspection
but if ur centre shifts away from God
then its selfobsession
so then u stop


...



Ayalguu says:
when to care, and when not to
is another big question

p. says:
hmm
u cant tell?

Ayalguu says:
no, pea. when i start to care about something it becomes almost obsessive
like, take this thing with x. i haven't been able to detach myself from it

p. says:
so learn not to..

Ayalguu says:
learn, yes. but how do i learn?
is it a matter of just blocking everything out (either or, again), or is there more?

p. says:
it shouldnt be either or
u dont need to detach
just need to manage
as u grow
u need to learn to not fluctuate like a sinus curve
when u catch urself doing it
bring it to God
and then let it be

no one can answer these qns for u
its got to be God
and him letting u know when to let go
and when he does
u have to obey

Ayalguu says:
hmm
what does it mean to manage?

p says:
learn not to allow ur feelings to overcome everything

Ayalguu says:
involving both head and heart? as in, not separating the two in this process?

p. says:
YES

Ayalguu says:
sigh
this bears thinking over


__________


So... what does managing (as opposed to detachment) mean? uncannily enough, the rejection of "either or"ness, again. integration. how do i integrate my head and heart? bring it to God, and then let it be seemed the key line. not holding all the questions (and myrid possible answers) in my hands, demanding control over the situation.

okay, will probably update this again soon enough.

emotionally exhausted.

the going-ons in my head; out with the old, in with the new

quick note after a post from lotsofscotts i really echo:

it's not about doing, doing doing. constant checklists to make sure i am here, or there, at this point in life, at that point in life. or to allow the current circumstances or moods in what i'm going through become the point of my life. to be mastered by what i think i should be, or should do. i cannot be characterised by what i need to do/work on; i have gifts i possess.

in my own strength in my own tries i will never score. i can't fix myself at all, and definitely not by pasting a mental checklist of where i am and where i should be, and how to get there. that's all wrong. i can't muster anything from my flesh.

Summary, in point form:
1. it's not about doing.
2. current circumstances and moods cannot become the point.
3. i cannot be mastered by what i think i should be, or should do.
4. i cannot characterise myself by what i need to work on.
5. i can't fix myself, i can't muster anything from the flesh.
6. i have gifts i possess, given by my Father.
7. if i can't do anything, what can i do? - nothing.

i can't do anything. the frantic hands flying hard at work, the stress and pressure from pre-emting preemting pre-emting- stop, rachel. stop anticipating, second-guessing, working. especially in your head. let your thoughts dwell on another, better source instead.

... whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. (Philippians 4:8)

there are lovelier things to fill my mind with.

today was the first day of school for me but honestly i feel like i've clocked in five full days, possibly even six.

i suppose a lot of it is mental, starting the day badly and having that feeling stay for some hours before slowly fighting against it; even fighting to remember to be thankful tires the spirit. am wondering why i feel so tired, and like all i want to do is sleep. i feel like there isn't a point i have to make here, or a theme to follow on. i'll just jot down whatever comes to mind.

first. i feel like i'm being pulled in many ways. school has been particularly heavy, it used to be a heavy period maybe twice a sem but this sem it seems i have had rest weeks only twice. i think also the absence of free time tolls too; from monday to friday/saturday all my evenings are taken by different weekly committments and i have had like, two night outs as far as i can remember, both times dinner with gayle on wednesday and then only because ifg was cancelled. an additional effect from this is now i feel guilt when meeting various other friends, like i am obliged to meet up because i haven't spent time with whoever for so long when i should have been in regular contact. like adam, for example. i think i've lost the joy in meeting people, or anticipating the time together anyway. it's functional, another obligation to fulfil.
also, i haven't had my sabbath rest for two weeks now, and i think it really might be a factor esp when it's the time set aside to unwind. last sunday was because anudeep had flown down from hk to be with us, so i spent the day with the boys, and then it was becky's surprise birthday dinner in the night so i stayed at her place till elevenish. i mean, i don't regret any of it i had a fantastic time with both groups. but it just seems like as much as i want to there isn't enough of me that i can stretch out and not feel like i'm about to tear somewhere. also week before was (useless) project meeting in town, and i rushed back home after that to bake brownies before family dinner and then a 2hr++ round trip to pasir ris.

today i woke up happily enough because it was raining heavily and i lolled around for some time, but by the time i got down the bus it was like i had been drugged along the way, i was so tired. maybe the bus was dirty (it felt like how i feel when i spend time in a particularly dusty room) but i really just wanted to hide in a dark room somewhere and knock myself unconscious. feeling like this i had 2 presentations to face, and at the end i really wasn't in the best state. sigh. add the announcement of a fifth deadline due this week, general lethargy after 2 presentations, the knowledge of a test, project meeting x 2, need to prepare for project meetings (one of which took > 2 hours), not liking any of my modules, feeling like all my effort had been useless... everything was just adding up, and i didn't even factor in tuition after school. i'm glad i didn't because tonight was one of the more tiring sessions.

like i said, a lot of it is mental; what happens, what do i do. how do i manage. how do i view the modules, how do i face what is marked down multiple times on the calender.
.

i dunno. it feels like week after week something new comes to challenge me, and invariably they have arms and hands that reach up from below and pull me down. i seem to always fall. new lessons, new fights, new insecurities, new obstacles, funny how the word new is so optimistic. how about more. more lessons, more fights, more insecurities, more obstacles. aha.

i'm tired. events that happened the week before last look like they happened in a distant past, a month or two ago maybe.
i would like to sleep and wake up when it's all over, please.

i mean, there was a positive point during the later half of the day, from 4-7ish maybe. during that time i felt better, like that maybe i could do this, and if i put my mind to treating the modules fairly and objectively there's enough in me to do all of them well. well this also coincided after i ate enough kinder blueno and cadbury chocolate to give me the onset of a headache (too much potency possibly) but the point is during that time i was trying to believe.

how, where do i find the fight within me to carry on.
.

today was my first day of school for the week.

i love it when it rains. i wish it would thunderstorm.

last week officially finished yesterday, and i am glad. too much happened last week; by wednesday i was crying again and the heavy heart went on to thursday, friday, twenty four hours felt like entire weeks then. trying to deal with missing x, and my flaws, i am so bad at these. i don't know.

10 days sounds like a walk in the park, and most times it is, at least until something that matters happens. don't remind me that i only just finished day 7, even. it didn't feel like just seven days and it was so much more than that.

but there were lessons learnt, and also i think this week will be different.

in light of yesterday's figurings (i wish i wasn't so sleepy)

faith and grace, faith and grace. faith in the future because of the grace that is before and already in me. and the foolishness of asking big things from God when all He is saying is "Come to Me." Yet forgiveness from Christ who still stands by the shore when I've grumpily shoved my boat out into the sea and am futilely fishing.

WOW. i have to think upon this.

John Piper: The Purifying Power of Living by Faith in Future Grace
Oswald Chambers: Coming to Jesus
Our Daily Bread: Déjà Vu All Over Again