Hi guys.
Today’s Christmas Day and oh man you won’t believe how much I missed you all. I was a wreck pretty much the entire day… cried while dressing for church, on the way to service, during service, after service… are you getting impatient with my tears yet?
I’m dressed really nicely. Pretty dress, small handbag, heels, diamond necklace and all. But I would gladly scramble out of them and dress as raggedly as I was in chiang mai, if it means getting to spend time with you all again.
The tears stopped at about four o’clock. It’s about seven now. I don’t know if they’ll come again; in any case, there’s just this dull ach inside me.
I don’t know why you have this effect on me. The closest I can figure is- you’re Home. And now I’m Homesick. It would make sense now wouldn’t it?
I’m back in the world. I’ve been able to beg off parties and gatherings so far but I’m not sure how long more I can give excuses. Or how long more before I’m back. Part of the world, changing my name to Becky Sharp. Mind you, I’ve never liked her.
The sky’s changing color; it’s seven now. Six, where you are. I miss you so much still.
Went to visit uncle michael at the chesire home today. It’s been half a year but he still remembers me. As I was telling him about you guys the tears came out and forgot to exit. So I had to out up with tissue fibre appearing all over my eyelids, and the embarrassment of crying in front of all the other visitors to the home. Uncle michael told me to stop, otherwise they’d think something had happened in my family. But like I said, the tears… Beside, I’d not be ashamed of any tear you cause. That’s why I didn’t mind doing it when they [the tears] came while walking along the streets, and everywhere else that they chose to make their grand entrance.
I’d like to tell you more, like how uncle michael has decided to make me his god-daughter and how I’m actually quite uncomfortable since I don’t think I’m mature enough for that responsibility but I’m running out of space and I’m getting cold out here.
Wish I was shivering with you guys. What larks we would have.
Missing you all very, very much.
Love, Rachel.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Excerpts.
“…Tiger airways really is a budget flight. No frills, nothing. As mayboo said. “even the tiger looks dodgy”. haha. But I guess even a stuffy old plane can’t mar the beauty of God’s creation… the cloud fields; they are an alternate world altogether. Clouds clouds clouds… different masses, shapes, textures, even colours. It’s very ‘Contact’ [the movie starring Jodie foster], if you know what I mean.”
“… more enjoyable than the dinner [which was yummy] and the shopping [:)] was the conversation I had with the guys after that. Marvin, Nicklaus, Ying Quan and Ruben. All from the 87 batch. Not being clique-ish or exclusive here, But the rest was either in a different hotel or in their own rooms.
It was a really good time… I felt like I went through an initiation ritual. The guys stacked me!! [aka taupoked]. Yes. I got stacked by the guys. I’ll try and put up a photo. :)
So anyway we were talking about girls, about guys, about yf, about our friends we were worried about.
Mmm did you know that none of them think we’re being exclusive? I wonder how their views fit in with my earlier entry then [see below]. I’ve learnt that marvin feels especially for the yf as a community, ruben, about specific people. Ying Quan’s still finding his way, and nicklaus was just sleepy. heh.
[on a side note, chiang mai’s really like msia.]
… well I think we’re traveling up the mountains now. Soon. I wonder what’s ahead. What do I want to get out? What do I want to give? I wonder what I will learn. As in, I don’t want to go there and enjoy myself. Don’t want to focus… on me.
I guess as long as I give me best in my duties, all will work out.”
“… I’ve just packed in, and am sitting on my mattress thing now, I wish I had photos to show; it’s very quaint. Each of us has our own pink mosquito nets; coupled with the red mattresses, it feels rather Arabian nightish. haha. A whole harem of girls. Scandalous.”
“I’ve just finished a quick shower [that’ll last me till tomorrow] and I think it’s dinner now but I’m absolutely refusing to go out because there’s a bug crawling along the outskirts of my mossie net. I wonder what the kids’d do if they know this. Fling some fire ants at me maybe. Quan said they did that to jieren the last time.
The kids are very… I guess children in a way share universal qualities. These however, are resourceful. Amos plays with a bicycle tyre. How many of us would have done that? I probably wouldn’t have known what to do with it.
k at this point I hear voices downstairs and I think bug or no bug, I must go somehow. Oh help. It’s big and brown and flying around with a buzzing sound.
I’m a wuss missionary. grimace.”
“I think I’ll write about the kids after I’ve gotten to know them better.”
“-end of day one.
It’s freaking cold!! …
… I think my experience here will be to a great extent shaped by my attitude, And that’s one thing I’ve always struggled with. To always want things my own way. To learnt to meet the [to me] unpleasant experience with grace… ohwell. At least I have good role models. :)
Harem Lodge [my pet name for our dorm] is actually a second storey… below us’s just an empty space that some ladies use during the day for their weaving. The kids use it sometimes. I can hear their chatter below me anyway. Not now; they’re in bed –although I heard that adam and joesph sleep in the open. shudder. I wonder how they can take it. Harem Lodge has a zinc roof, and woven walls and floor of bamboo. In fact, the basic structure itself is bamboo. Very rustic. Oh. And we have our very own pool to skinny dip in. The corridor on which we walk on to get to the dorm overlooks the Home’s cesspool. It’s slimy and green but thank God, no smell. Or maybe I’ve gotten used to it. haha.
Living in such close contact with so many kids will try my patience, I have no doubt. I’ll be stretched and tested to limits and ways I wouldn’t have thought possible in the beginning [which is today]. Is today the 13th? I’ve lost count. About ten days more I hazard. But I have every confidence that these ten days or so will stand me in good steed next year; not least because I’m going to be a primary2 teacher for six months. Six months! It seems such an eternity.”
“5am postscript.
It’s FREAKING COLD.”
“… the time so far is restful. The children are raggedly, and possessive, but none of them have the look that so many school going Singaporean children have. Not very obvious; like I said, children are children everywhere. But Singapore children face pressure. They have care in their eyes. So my time here is helping me wind down. I was walking with my arms swinging so wildly yesterday. As far as the arms could extend. swing swing. Nick was like, why are you walking like that and I was like, I haven’t done this in such a long time. And I realized that yeah. I hadn’t.
The A level year [2005] was such a lost one, such a wasted one. It seems that I learnt nothing from it. I’m thinking now, and I see an exhausting year, a rather painful one. I’d never do that again.
Here, it’s better. I feel like I’ve had a long strain and am now slowly convelanscing. [did I spell that right? You know, recovering.] I still feel a weight but at least I’m aware that it’s ever so slowly going down. Very slowly, but something is moving nonetheless. Perhaps soon I will- become someone like weiling or wendi. heh. Wish I was like them… must stop thinking of myself.
I’m 18 now and so far from what I should be. Why do I so persistently refuse to let go of who I am now? What’s so good about it that I should cleave to it?
Perhaps it’s the fear of leaving. I mean. Now I have a sense of security. Change in hard in this case.
I’ve always thought that sweet and gentle doesn’t apply to me. Sweet and gentle is isabelle, the name I was almost given. I’ve always been the feisty one, the aggressive defender on the netball court, the argumentative debater in class. Overconfident, sometimes overbearing. What a way to go. So passionate about everything. So extreme in my actions, so unshakeable in my beliefs. Am I called to put all these down?
I think it is time.”
“-End of day I forgot”
Time really loses itself here. I know not the day, not date. I have no sense of time either. I’d thought it was three in the afternoon when it was in fact eleven. Hmmm.
… I feel closer to the other 87ers now… when I say closer I don’t mean cliquish or secret telling uber sharing closer but I feel more comfortable… knowing that we are now more able to accept the others’ flaws. For me anyway; I guess the guys already know each other through and through. It was liberating to admit that I need a guy who can stand me and for them to just nod and grin. How about that? Like family- accepting everything. :)”
“… it was a really interesting ride… it was freezing! But Thailand is a beautiful country. The markets too are interesting and varied. I bought some street food to try cz it smelt so good. They’re little round flour things, not unlike pancakes and have little bits of pumpkin [I think] in the centre. Ladida… the street are surprisingly similar to those in Malaysia. The villages too. Very kampungish. Not like India. Ah. That was a whole new world. Mudhouses, a countryside of orange-y brown [at least that’s how I remember it]…
Here, zinc roofs and wood still prevail. They also sell yong tau foo and waffles. haha. Quite exciting… quite quaint, yet somehow familiar all at once.
Well I can’t remember what we did after we came back [my memory’s ultra selective these days] but the next highlight of the day was going up to the forest to collect the logs…
… It’s really hard work being a farmer. Took 4 of us [ruben, my brother, Kevin and myself] to carry a log that Samson could shoulder by himself. Robert said that this was something like the cross Jesus carried. … I think that Jesus’ cross was twice, thrice the weight, if not even heavier. How could He have done it? He had been whipped, beaten, scrounged and mocked the night before that. How?
The kids too do this regularly. Timothy is 14, about 1.5 and yet he does manual work that’d probably take 3 Singaporean teens to do. 6 year old Yabo’s toenail came out the day before yesterday, and it got discovered only bcz siowlon happened to see it yesterday. Not a whimper not a cry. I remember how when my toenail got whacked out when I was twelve. What a hulloobooloo. Lousy.
… Nearly died playing Frisbee with the kids cz out of nowhere, I suddenly had 4 little jumpy chili padi village boys and two Frisbees to handle. The former were screaming for attention; all at one go. heh. I kept saying “nice” every time there was a good throw or catch, and after awhile they all kept screaming “nice!!” when they wanted my attention. Their incessant demands juxtaposed with the meaning of the word itself was so incongruous I just had to laugh.”
“… I’m down for breakfast duty tomorrow. 0445hrs to wake up. It’s mmm ten minutes to 2200hrs now. I borrowed felicia’s phone cz it has an alarm clock. Strange to hold a phone. But so pleasant at the same time. Surreal surreal…
… The older girls are chatting now. 4 of them. I wonder if this is what we’ll be like next time. Al, boo, myself and a girl that one of the batch guys bring in. haha.
I think of home now and then. hmmm maybe I shouldn’t have counted the days left. So many. But it’s a good time… it’s a good time.
I’ve made friends with a few kids… I guess I like the timid away-from-the-crowd ones- perhaps I identify with them best. When I was a kid I was so… I wanted to be like the princesses who knew how to suck up. I was this awkward child who hid herself away in books.”
“… well today we decorated the Christmas tree. :) I’m so glad… ever since daddy gave our Christmas tree away to the Malaysian church, we haven’t decorated a Christmas tree in years. What depravation. So it was a real treat. :) While we decorated, the boys did haying. I think that meant transporting hay from one field all the way to the other and then spreading them all out to sun. My farming after lunch was clearing a field. We took hoes and whacked the grass. Tiring, but pretty satisfying. Marvin said it was good anger therapy. haha.”
“… we’re just back from steamboat dinner! Fwoah. 69baht per person… that’s like S$3. woohoo. Oh their steamboat’s like an inverted version of ours…
… it’s like a mound with a moat. A shallow moat. So the soup goes into the moat, and the fried stuff is done on the mound. Highly impractical, but a novelty.
The ride back was nothing I’ve experience before. Standing on a rickety lorry, flanked by ying quan and marvin, nicklaus a little way behind shouting at me to tie my hair cz it was in his face and all the rest yelling in unison, ruben and Rachel next to marvin, making wisecracks at everything… I just let myself go and laughed and laughed and laughed.
… nat and I are closer now. We’re talking more, at least. He’s been getting “whacked” by uncle victor and the guys all the while and yesterday he confided that he was feeling quite low about it. My sisterly instincts flared up, I tell you. I mean. Give him a break! If any of you smart mouths were as willing to serve at his age you ought to know how it feels. He’s just turned 13, sheesh. Barely out of his childhood! He’s trying to fit in already and that takes some courage so instead of putting him down why can’t you act YOUR age and LEAVE HIM ALONE. All you stuck up bamboo brains are eighteen and should be the ones helping.
Well yeah that’s what I felt but I didn’t really say so much. Just told them to “leave him alone” and “give him a break” every time they stared and after a while they got the hint. Nick was the best.
k it’s almost time to go for lessons. Need to wake weiling up…”
“… It was HILARIOUS.
Pauline and I did games. It’s really amazing cz there initially wasn’t supposed to be at all. God deserves all the credit, really really. For a making games that seemed earlier to be dull and unpaticipartory, so enjoyable. Tonight was the night of laughs. We first played the human entanglement games that everyone liked, especially the younger ones. Then we played “Cross the River”…
… This was all we had planned for but hey God knows best. Dara came over during the River game and told us that time wasn’t a problem, that Robert was very happy that the kids were having dun and that we the two groups were interacting. Pauline and I started fretting a little cz the games had been such a success that our other proposals seemed to lousy.
Just then, Robert came out and we started playing with firecrackers! Like how awesome is that right.
Throughout, Pauline and I kept throwing out ideas and then rejecting them… when suddenly we had to go for debrief. I sure was relieved. After debrief, it was bedtime but we heard the children singing so we went to the hall to listen. It’s wonderful. God was truly pleased, I just know it. So heartfelt, so earnest… a joy, truly. When they had finished Robert… asked us to play more games.
I didn’t want to? I was tried. Was going to mumble something like, my games partner has gone to bed but again, God has His ideas so Rachel and I got up to teach them Jacob’s ladder [one of the rejected games, actually.]
God was really at work tonight… We [also] played pin the donkey with ruben being the donkey and jon lee the decoy. We were literally rolling on the ground, screaming with laughter.
It’s Friday. For most of us, we’ll be leaving soon. I’m glad I’m staying till the 23rd. “
“Sat.
Today was a lazy day. Goodnight.
p.s Got hit by debris from firecrackers on the chin. Doctor Foo says it’ll leave a mark. =Pp”
“sun.
After service- they’re leaving… about half the group. Don’t go. =Pp
Night- I wonder where houseflies sleep at night.”
“… it’s Thursday today. I… I don’t want to go. I’m afraid of coming back and seeing change. I’m afraid the guys will change and.
I guess I’ll be happy if they change to better people, people God’ll be proud of. I’m also afraid I’ll have a romanticized version of what life was like here, and when I come again with sky-high expectations, the focus will be on me again.
Life was good because
1- The morning devotions are wonderful.
2- I love the restful atmosphere.
3- God’s very present here, and where He is, is good.
4- I love the people, even if they don’t love me.
The last one- I don’t know if it hurts me. I can see their point of view. Everyone who comes, leaves. No use “investing” [weiling’s words]
It’s so hard.
You. me.
I come, I leave.
You stay.
You’ll always stay.
I’ll cry, I will.
You won’t.
I’ve always wanted to ask you if we matter.
Why would we.
Do you feel like an exhibit at a showroom?
“A farm experience”.
Do you resent me?
***
We’ll sing for you tomorrow. “
“Probably the last entry.
Dear God… tonight’s the last night. While brushing my teeth just now I thought perhaps it wasn’t worth it. To come, to have to leave… the emotion. And to have to plan to come back. Yet Father, how could I have not come?
Thank You Father. For allowing me to come. To love others. The people from the home. Even if they don’t probably love me back. Which kind of hurts.
It’s quite a possibility that why they speak so much to me is precisely because of their… because of who they are. And I want to get to know them better…”
“Friday.
k I’m going to attempt writing because I’m not sure how much or how far I can before I start tearing. Okay I feel the tears coming and since I don’t want to bawl in front of the entire world [consisting of AB wendi peigang shawne siowlon weiling and everyone else at the sports bar in the airport] I’ll try again later on the plane.
***
k we’re on the plane now. The moment I sat down the tears came and they’re still coming. I miss the kids so much! Miss the home, miss the atmosphere… I was already crying at the airport… excused myself at the sports bar. I kept seeing “familiar” faces everywhere. I saw rebounded hair and thought she was Dara. I saw a long-sleeved shirt and thought it was timothy. I saw a hairstyle and thought I saw hannah. Couldn’t take it…
I heard announcements over the speakerphone; it was in thai… and reminded me of the Home and I cried again. I remember saying during the first day I’m a wuss missionary. Well I probably haven’t improved very much.
k the tears aren’t as bad now.
I’ve made a couple of resolutions.
1- I’m going to male the Home proud of me. As in, I’m going to walk earnestly with God so that when I return, I will have a testimony I can share, that will bring encouragement to them.
2- I’m going to be a lot more submissive. To God.
Things like driving and the next path don’t worry me so much anymore; cz I feel God’s presence and He’s all I need.
I’m so thankful God allowed me to come. We’re taking off now. As I look back on the past year I see such an empty period. So wasted.
We’re flying above chiangmai now. Byebye chiang mai, the place I first stepped on. Byebye Fang. Byebye Christian Home of Love. Byebye everyone.
Promise I’ll be back in June, God willing.
k I’m drained from so much crying. Going to nap.”
“Later.
k I’m home. Very tired because it’s about 0130hrs here… and considering how bedtime back at Home was nine, ten o’clock…
I’m just going to pen down last stuff.
It might sound funny but I felt honoured when the kids came to be part of the goodbye prayer at Home. As in, I didn’t see them do it for any other groups and we’re the third ones I’ve seen leaving. They weren’t standing in the circle itself, just outside of it but it was enough.
I’m going to say it again. I felt honoured that the people from the home felt enough for us to honour us with their presence during the final prayer. Not a very eloquent sentence but it’s what I can come up with at this moment.
I’m going to miss them a lot. Was crying all the way home; even at home. I’m definitely going back in June; December’s simply too long. I’m going to meet every challenge with God because that’s what they’d have wanted me to do.
I guess maybe part of the reason why I cry so hard’s because I don’t know how our relationship’s going to take. I mean. Visit twice a year, and no other communication in between? What kind of friendship will that be?...”
“Dear God.
I’m back home now. My hair’s nicely conditioned and will hopefully not be too damaged. If I ever go back for a long period I will seriously consider getting my hair rebonded.
Father it’s so so easy to get back in the Self way. Father I think mirrors are evil. I was happy in chiang mai without any. No pressure to look good, to look slim… do You know how liberating that was? Yes You do. So now I’m scared. I’m afraid I’ll fall back into Vanity Fair. I’ve left utopia. In this world, it’s actually natural to worry about material goods. But as I have seen in the part two weeks, it is possible- and it is- better off without them. …”
_______________________________________
Dear Robert and Dara,
Thanks for the past two weeks. I know you’ll never read this but it’s okay because well.
I don’t want to tell you how much I’ve cried today. It’s Christmas Eve and I’ve been home for the entire day because I don’t know how to interact with people from the urban world. Even smsing is strange.
I miss you guys so much. Here in Singapore, there are no sounds of children’s laughter, or cows [that don’t sound like cows]. There’s no paddy field outside the dorm, no whine of the puppies and dogs. No sound of the looms as the women weave beautiful ethnic bags I hope everyone will buy so that the Home will prosper.
There will be no sending of 10 children to school, no exciting morning rides as you thunder down on your four wheel drive to make sure they reach on time. Did I ever tell you how much I love your vehicle?
I’m already missing the morning devotions, the murmur of children reciting their weekly memory verse to the older ones.
Oh. I wanted to let you know that Mrs Koh called today. Apparently moe’s sent enough teachers so I’ll just be there for three months. It’s okay. I’m not as disappointed as I’d have been before the trip. God has a reason for this, and I know you’ll agree with me.
So now I’m planning to teach for the three months, settle everything and God willing, be with you in May, for a month.
I don’t know what my long term relationship with the Hone will be; I can only plan thus far.
I pray that the love and desire I picked up for God will remain, so that you may be proud of me when I return.
I don’t know what the days ahead will be like as I try to settle down. Today was terrible. I’m afraid I’ll be an emotional wreck. Already I’m berating myself for not staying for Christmas. I keep thinking of what you guys are doing now. During the day I imagined Isaac, Abraham, Timothy and the rest of them farming. Then I remembered that today’s the outreach. I’ve been praying that it’ll go with God’s blessings. And somehow, I know it will.
I’m not sure if the children there miss me. I think they’ve been desensitized. I would too, if I were them. It really doesn’t make sense to put in effort in a relationship that lasts only for as long as the other party’s stay at Home. But on my side, it hurts. To love them and feel that they don’t love me.
That they will forget me.
It’s Christmas tomorrow. I’m glad weiling reminded me that it isn’t about where we are. It’s about Jesus coming to change our lives.
I think I’ll manage somehow. I have to anyway.
Maybe I’ll really email you, when it gets really bad.
Love,
Rachel.
24th December 2005.
“… more enjoyable than the dinner [which was yummy] and the shopping [:)] was the conversation I had with the guys after that. Marvin, Nicklaus, Ying Quan and Ruben. All from the 87 batch. Not being clique-ish or exclusive here, But the rest was either in a different hotel or in their own rooms.
It was a really good time… I felt like I went through an initiation ritual. The guys stacked me!! [aka taupoked]. Yes. I got stacked by the guys. I’ll try and put up a photo. :)
So anyway we were talking about girls, about guys, about yf, about our friends we were worried about.
Mmm did you know that none of them think we’re being exclusive? I wonder how their views fit in with my earlier entry then [see below]. I’ve learnt that marvin feels especially for the yf as a community, ruben, about specific people. Ying Quan’s still finding his way, and nicklaus was just sleepy. heh.
[on a side note, chiang mai’s really like msia.]
… well I think we’re traveling up the mountains now. Soon. I wonder what’s ahead. What do I want to get out? What do I want to give? I wonder what I will learn. As in, I don’t want to go there and enjoy myself. Don’t want to focus… on me.
I guess as long as I give me best in my duties, all will work out.”
“… I’ve just packed in, and am sitting on my mattress thing now, I wish I had photos to show; it’s very quaint. Each of us has our own pink mosquito nets; coupled with the red mattresses, it feels rather Arabian nightish. haha. A whole harem of girls. Scandalous.”
“I’ve just finished a quick shower [that’ll last me till tomorrow] and I think it’s dinner now but I’m absolutely refusing to go out because there’s a bug crawling along the outskirts of my mossie net. I wonder what the kids’d do if they know this. Fling some fire ants at me maybe. Quan said they did that to jieren the last time.
The kids are very… I guess children in a way share universal qualities. These however, are resourceful. Amos plays with a bicycle tyre. How many of us would have done that? I probably wouldn’t have known what to do with it.
k at this point I hear voices downstairs and I think bug or no bug, I must go somehow. Oh help. It’s big and brown and flying around with a buzzing sound.
I’m a wuss missionary. grimace.”
“I think I’ll write about the kids after I’ve gotten to know them better.”
“-end of day one.
It’s freaking cold!! …
… I think my experience here will be to a great extent shaped by my attitude, And that’s one thing I’ve always struggled with. To always want things my own way. To learnt to meet the [to me] unpleasant experience with grace… ohwell. At least I have good role models. :)
Harem Lodge [my pet name for our dorm] is actually a second storey… below us’s just an empty space that some ladies use during the day for their weaving. The kids use it sometimes. I can hear their chatter below me anyway. Not now; they’re in bed –although I heard that adam and joesph sleep in the open. shudder. I wonder how they can take it. Harem Lodge has a zinc roof, and woven walls and floor of bamboo. In fact, the basic structure itself is bamboo. Very rustic. Oh. And we have our very own pool to skinny dip in. The corridor on which we walk on to get to the dorm overlooks the Home’s cesspool. It’s slimy and green but thank God, no smell. Or maybe I’ve gotten used to it. haha.
Living in such close contact with so many kids will try my patience, I have no doubt. I’ll be stretched and tested to limits and ways I wouldn’t have thought possible in the beginning [which is today]. Is today the 13th? I’ve lost count. About ten days more I hazard. But I have every confidence that these ten days or so will stand me in good steed next year; not least because I’m going to be a primary2 teacher for six months. Six months! It seems such an eternity.”
“5am postscript.
It’s FREAKING COLD.”
“… the time so far is restful. The children are raggedly, and possessive, but none of them have the look that so many school going Singaporean children have. Not very obvious; like I said, children are children everywhere. But Singapore children face pressure. They have care in their eyes. So my time here is helping me wind down. I was walking with my arms swinging so wildly yesterday. As far as the arms could extend. swing swing. Nick was like, why are you walking like that and I was like, I haven’t done this in such a long time. And I realized that yeah. I hadn’t.
The A level year [2005] was such a lost one, such a wasted one. It seems that I learnt nothing from it. I’m thinking now, and I see an exhausting year, a rather painful one. I’d never do that again.
Here, it’s better. I feel like I’ve had a long strain and am now slowly convelanscing. [did I spell that right? You know, recovering.] I still feel a weight but at least I’m aware that it’s ever so slowly going down. Very slowly, but something is moving nonetheless. Perhaps soon I will- become someone like weiling or wendi. heh. Wish I was like them… must stop thinking of myself.
I’m 18 now and so far from what I should be. Why do I so persistently refuse to let go of who I am now? What’s so good about it that I should cleave to it?
Perhaps it’s the fear of leaving. I mean. Now I have a sense of security. Change in hard in this case.
I’ve always thought that sweet and gentle doesn’t apply to me. Sweet and gentle is isabelle, the name I was almost given. I’ve always been the feisty one, the aggressive defender on the netball court, the argumentative debater in class. Overconfident, sometimes overbearing. What a way to go. So passionate about everything. So extreme in my actions, so unshakeable in my beliefs. Am I called to put all these down?
I think it is time.”
“-End of day I forgot”
Time really loses itself here. I know not the day, not date. I have no sense of time either. I’d thought it was three in the afternoon when it was in fact eleven. Hmmm.
… I feel closer to the other 87ers now… when I say closer I don’t mean cliquish or secret telling uber sharing closer but I feel more comfortable… knowing that we are now more able to accept the others’ flaws. For me anyway; I guess the guys already know each other through and through. It was liberating to admit that I need a guy who can stand me and for them to just nod and grin. How about that? Like family- accepting everything. :)”
“… it was a really interesting ride… it was freezing! But Thailand is a beautiful country. The markets too are interesting and varied. I bought some street food to try cz it smelt so good. They’re little round flour things, not unlike pancakes and have little bits of pumpkin [I think] in the centre. Ladida… the street are surprisingly similar to those in Malaysia. The villages too. Very kampungish. Not like India. Ah. That was a whole new world. Mudhouses, a countryside of orange-y brown [at least that’s how I remember it]…
Here, zinc roofs and wood still prevail. They also sell yong tau foo and waffles. haha. Quite exciting… quite quaint, yet somehow familiar all at once.
Well I can’t remember what we did after we came back [my memory’s ultra selective these days] but the next highlight of the day was going up to the forest to collect the logs…
… It’s really hard work being a farmer. Took 4 of us [ruben, my brother, Kevin and myself] to carry a log that Samson could shoulder by himself. Robert said that this was something like the cross Jesus carried. … I think that Jesus’ cross was twice, thrice the weight, if not even heavier. How could He have done it? He had been whipped, beaten, scrounged and mocked the night before that. How?
The kids too do this regularly. Timothy is 14, about 1.5 and yet he does manual work that’d probably take 3 Singaporean teens to do. 6 year old Yabo’s toenail came out the day before yesterday, and it got discovered only bcz siowlon happened to see it yesterday. Not a whimper not a cry. I remember how when my toenail got whacked out when I was twelve. What a hulloobooloo. Lousy.
… Nearly died playing Frisbee with the kids cz out of nowhere, I suddenly had 4 little jumpy chili padi village boys and two Frisbees to handle. The former were screaming for attention; all at one go. heh. I kept saying “nice” every time there was a good throw or catch, and after awhile they all kept screaming “nice!!” when they wanted my attention. Their incessant demands juxtaposed with the meaning of the word itself was so incongruous I just had to laugh.”
“… I’m down for breakfast duty tomorrow. 0445hrs to wake up. It’s mmm ten minutes to 2200hrs now. I borrowed felicia’s phone cz it has an alarm clock. Strange to hold a phone. But so pleasant at the same time. Surreal surreal…
… The older girls are chatting now. 4 of them. I wonder if this is what we’ll be like next time. Al, boo, myself and a girl that one of the batch guys bring in. haha.
I think of home now and then. hmmm maybe I shouldn’t have counted the days left. So many. But it’s a good time… it’s a good time.
I’ve made friends with a few kids… I guess I like the timid away-from-the-crowd ones- perhaps I identify with them best. When I was a kid I was so… I wanted to be like the princesses who knew how to suck up. I was this awkward child who hid herself away in books.”
“… well today we decorated the Christmas tree. :) I’m so glad… ever since daddy gave our Christmas tree away to the Malaysian church, we haven’t decorated a Christmas tree in years. What depravation. So it was a real treat. :) While we decorated, the boys did haying. I think that meant transporting hay from one field all the way to the other and then spreading them all out to sun. My farming after lunch was clearing a field. We took hoes and whacked the grass. Tiring, but pretty satisfying. Marvin said it was good anger therapy. haha.”
“… we’re just back from steamboat dinner! Fwoah. 69baht per person… that’s like S$3. woohoo. Oh their steamboat’s like an inverted version of ours…
… it’s like a mound with a moat. A shallow moat. So the soup goes into the moat, and the fried stuff is done on the mound. Highly impractical, but a novelty.
The ride back was nothing I’ve experience before. Standing on a rickety lorry, flanked by ying quan and marvin, nicklaus a little way behind shouting at me to tie my hair cz it was in his face and all the rest yelling in unison, ruben and Rachel next to marvin, making wisecracks at everything… I just let myself go and laughed and laughed and laughed.
… nat and I are closer now. We’re talking more, at least. He’s been getting “whacked” by uncle victor and the guys all the while and yesterday he confided that he was feeling quite low about it. My sisterly instincts flared up, I tell you. I mean. Give him a break! If any of you smart mouths were as willing to serve at his age you ought to know how it feels. He’s just turned 13, sheesh. Barely out of his childhood! He’s trying to fit in already and that takes some courage so instead of putting him down why can’t you act YOUR age and LEAVE HIM ALONE. All you stuck up bamboo brains are eighteen and should be the ones helping.
Well yeah that’s what I felt but I didn’t really say so much. Just told them to “leave him alone” and “give him a break” every time they stared and after a while they got the hint. Nick was the best.
k it’s almost time to go for lessons. Need to wake weiling up…”
“… It was HILARIOUS.
Pauline and I did games. It’s really amazing cz there initially wasn’t supposed to be at all. God deserves all the credit, really really. For a making games that seemed earlier to be dull and unpaticipartory, so enjoyable. Tonight was the night of laughs. We first played the human entanglement games that everyone liked, especially the younger ones. Then we played “Cross the River”…
… This was all we had planned for but hey God knows best. Dara came over during the River game and told us that time wasn’t a problem, that Robert was very happy that the kids were having dun and that we the two groups were interacting. Pauline and I started fretting a little cz the games had been such a success that our other proposals seemed to lousy.
Just then, Robert came out and we started playing with firecrackers! Like how awesome is that right.
Throughout, Pauline and I kept throwing out ideas and then rejecting them… when suddenly we had to go for debrief. I sure was relieved. After debrief, it was bedtime but we heard the children singing so we went to the hall to listen. It’s wonderful. God was truly pleased, I just know it. So heartfelt, so earnest… a joy, truly. When they had finished Robert… asked us to play more games.
I didn’t want to? I was tried. Was going to mumble something like, my games partner has gone to bed but again, God has His ideas so Rachel and I got up to teach them Jacob’s ladder [one of the rejected games, actually.]
God was really at work tonight… We [also] played pin the donkey with ruben being the donkey and jon lee the decoy. We were literally rolling on the ground, screaming with laughter.
It’s Friday. For most of us, we’ll be leaving soon. I’m glad I’m staying till the 23rd. “
“Sat.
Today was a lazy day. Goodnight.
p.s Got hit by debris from firecrackers on the chin. Doctor Foo says it’ll leave a mark. =Pp”
“sun.
After service- they’re leaving… about half the group. Don’t go. =Pp
Night- I wonder where houseflies sleep at night.”
“… it’s Thursday today. I… I don’t want to go. I’m afraid of coming back and seeing change. I’m afraid the guys will change and.
I guess I’ll be happy if they change to better people, people God’ll be proud of. I’m also afraid I’ll have a romanticized version of what life was like here, and when I come again with sky-high expectations, the focus will be on me again.
Life was good because
1- The morning devotions are wonderful.
2- I love the restful atmosphere.
3- God’s very present here, and where He is, is good.
4- I love the people, even if they don’t love me.
The last one- I don’t know if it hurts me. I can see their point of view. Everyone who comes, leaves. No use “investing” [weiling’s words]
It’s so hard.
You. me.
I come, I leave.
You stay.
You’ll always stay.
I’ll cry, I will.
You won’t.
I’ve always wanted to ask you if we matter.
Why would we.
Do you feel like an exhibit at a showroom?
“A farm experience”.
Do you resent me?
***
We’ll sing for you tomorrow. “
“Probably the last entry.
Dear God… tonight’s the last night. While brushing my teeth just now I thought perhaps it wasn’t worth it. To come, to have to leave… the emotion. And to have to plan to come back. Yet Father, how could I have not come?
Thank You Father. For allowing me to come. To love others. The people from the home. Even if they don’t probably love me back. Which kind of hurts.
It’s quite a possibility that why they speak so much to me is precisely because of their… because of who they are. And I want to get to know them better…”
“Friday.
k I’m going to attempt writing because I’m not sure how much or how far I can before I start tearing. Okay I feel the tears coming and since I don’t want to bawl in front of the entire world [consisting of AB wendi peigang shawne siowlon weiling and everyone else at the sports bar in the airport] I’ll try again later on the plane.
***
k we’re on the plane now. The moment I sat down the tears came and they’re still coming. I miss the kids so much! Miss the home, miss the atmosphere… I was already crying at the airport… excused myself at the sports bar. I kept seeing “familiar” faces everywhere. I saw rebounded hair and thought she was Dara. I saw a long-sleeved shirt and thought it was timothy. I saw a hairstyle and thought I saw hannah. Couldn’t take it…
I heard announcements over the speakerphone; it was in thai… and reminded me of the Home and I cried again. I remember saying during the first day I’m a wuss missionary. Well I probably haven’t improved very much.
k the tears aren’t as bad now.
I’ve made a couple of resolutions.
1- I’m going to male the Home proud of me. As in, I’m going to walk earnestly with God so that when I return, I will have a testimony I can share, that will bring encouragement to them.
2- I’m going to be a lot more submissive. To God.
Things like driving and the next path don’t worry me so much anymore; cz I feel God’s presence and He’s all I need.
I’m so thankful God allowed me to come. We’re taking off now. As I look back on the past year I see such an empty period. So wasted.
We’re flying above chiangmai now. Byebye chiang mai, the place I first stepped on. Byebye Fang. Byebye Christian Home of Love. Byebye everyone.
Promise I’ll be back in June, God willing.
k I’m drained from so much crying. Going to nap.”
“Later.
k I’m home. Very tired because it’s about 0130hrs here… and considering how bedtime back at Home was nine, ten o’clock…
I’m just going to pen down last stuff.
It might sound funny but I felt honoured when the kids came to be part of the goodbye prayer at Home. As in, I didn’t see them do it for any other groups and we’re the third ones I’ve seen leaving. They weren’t standing in the circle itself, just outside of it but it was enough.
I’m going to say it again. I felt honoured that the people from the home felt enough for us to honour us with their presence during the final prayer. Not a very eloquent sentence but it’s what I can come up with at this moment.
I’m going to miss them a lot. Was crying all the way home; even at home. I’m definitely going back in June; December’s simply too long. I’m going to meet every challenge with God because that’s what they’d have wanted me to do.
I guess maybe part of the reason why I cry so hard’s because I don’t know how our relationship’s going to take. I mean. Visit twice a year, and no other communication in between? What kind of friendship will that be?...”
“Dear God.
I’m back home now. My hair’s nicely conditioned and will hopefully not be too damaged. If I ever go back for a long period I will seriously consider getting my hair rebonded.
Father it’s so so easy to get back in the Self way. Father I think mirrors are evil. I was happy in chiang mai without any. No pressure to look good, to look slim… do You know how liberating that was? Yes You do. So now I’m scared. I’m afraid I’ll fall back into Vanity Fair. I’ve left utopia. In this world, it’s actually natural to worry about material goods. But as I have seen in the part two weeks, it is possible- and it is- better off without them. …”
_______________________________________
Dear Robert and Dara,
Thanks for the past two weeks. I know you’ll never read this but it’s okay because well.
I don’t want to tell you how much I’ve cried today. It’s Christmas Eve and I’ve been home for the entire day because I don’t know how to interact with people from the urban world. Even smsing is strange.
I miss you guys so much. Here in Singapore, there are no sounds of children’s laughter, or cows [that don’t sound like cows]. There’s no paddy field outside the dorm, no whine of the puppies and dogs. No sound of the looms as the women weave beautiful ethnic bags I hope everyone will buy so that the Home will prosper.
There will be no sending of 10 children to school, no exciting morning rides as you thunder down on your four wheel drive to make sure they reach on time. Did I ever tell you how much I love your vehicle?
I’m already missing the morning devotions, the murmur of children reciting their weekly memory verse to the older ones.
Oh. I wanted to let you know that Mrs Koh called today. Apparently moe’s sent enough teachers so I’ll just be there for three months. It’s okay. I’m not as disappointed as I’d have been before the trip. God has a reason for this, and I know you’ll agree with me.
So now I’m planning to teach for the three months, settle everything and God willing, be with you in May, for a month.
I don’t know what my long term relationship with the Hone will be; I can only plan thus far.
I pray that the love and desire I picked up for God will remain, so that you may be proud of me when I return.
I don’t know what the days ahead will be like as I try to settle down. Today was terrible. I’m afraid I’ll be an emotional wreck. Already I’m berating myself for not staying for Christmas. I keep thinking of what you guys are doing now. During the day I imagined Isaac, Abraham, Timothy and the rest of them farming. Then I remembered that today’s the outreach. I’ve been praying that it’ll go with God’s blessings. And somehow, I know it will.
I’m not sure if the children there miss me. I think they’ve been desensitized. I would too, if I were them. It really doesn’t make sense to put in effort in a relationship that lasts only for as long as the other party’s stay at Home. But on my side, it hurts. To love them and feel that they don’t love me.
That they will forget me.
It’s Christmas tomorrow. I’m glad weiling reminded me that it isn’t about where we are. It’s about Jesus coming to change our lives.
I think I’ll manage somehow. I have to anyway.
Maybe I’ll really email you, when it gets really bad.
Love,
Rachel.
24th December 2005.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
I’m going to let a few things off my chest now. No names, even though it doesn’t really matter cz very few of those whom I’m going to “speak” to read this blog anyway.
To vou: That night, what happened… I realize now that I’ve placed you on a pedestal. My expectations of you were sky high and that’s why when you crashed, you crashed so badly. What you did was definitely wrong but. I’m fine now and I’m praying God’ll somehow convince you that I’m fine. [I told you I was but I think you might not have believed me.]
I’m not too sure what our relationship as friends [or more than or less than] is going to be like now but I trust that God will be our Guide.
To jou: I’m confused. I may be mistaken but it seems to be that you want more than I can give. Why can’t we just be very very good friends? I thought we’d settled this two years ago. Then again maybe during camp I was just tired and reading too much into body language. heh.
To aou: Do you know how much you’re hurting her? We’ve all been friends for so many years. Maybe you should take a step back and see it from her point of view. You are such a dear friend of mine and you’ll never do it to me- which is why I’m rather puzzled as to your behaviour towards her because I know you love her so much too. Think about it?
To bou: I wish you knew that I love you. But it’s hard for me to tell you because I’m so much older. I seem to see so many faults in you, forgetting that I was once just like you. Perhaps it’s precisely because I see them that I want to get rid of them for you, to in a way, polish you. I pray that I’ll learn how to be a true sister.
To aou: Like I told you, you served the ball and I hit it back. Now it seems that it has rolled into a gutter on your side of the court. Just smiling in a really welcoming way whenever you catch my eye doesn’t cut it. I’m no master in the language of making-my-eyes-big-while-nodding-vigorously. You remain silent. It’s okay. I’ve moved on. If you can’t come up and open your mouth, I’m not going to lose any thing over that.
I’ve just come back from camp.. leaving tomorrow for chang mai. I’ll be back the day before Christmas. Wondering what’s going to happen over there, over here, to me, to my friends, to everybody but- one thing’s for sure. All things work together for good to them that love Him.
_________________________________________________
This is what I’d have said today at the end of yf camp during the closing/sharing session if I had the chance. Or would have tried to say anyway, because it’s all just so sensitive and complicated. I’d probably have bungled up the job and made it worse. I don’t know.
“Hi guys. Thanks for the camp. It’d have been a different camp if even one of you hadn’t come, so thanks for making it special because you came.
[then there’d have been a pause while I tried to screw up my courage and grope desperately mentally for the words to come without offending anyone.]
I’m up here to apologise.
Yesterday while you guys were planning for skits, I was given an eye opener. I was talking with someone I hadn’t seen for some time, and well. You know how when we were waiting for lunch, all the jc people wearing their jc clothes gathered around the quadrangle and took photos? Well I wasn’t there because they’d forgotten to tell me to bring my pj skirt. And yeah. As you might have realized, I brought only my secondary school jerseys. [cue for the campers to grin.]
Anyway even while I was feeling so upset and all and complaining to my friend I was actually glad that they hadn’t told me to bring my shirt. Because if I had, then I’d have been there too laughing happily away. And not aware of the feeling of being left out.
[another long pause while I gather my thoughts.]
It’s like. I realized then that something has been happening this later half of the year that might, well, cause a rift in yf. During the sharings so far everyone has been talking about how yf is like a family and all and so what happened yesterday wasn’t very good.
I want to apologize to all the non-jc 87 yfers. I’m just so very sorry that in our 87 outings and all- like the one after our Chinese A paper last year, and the one after our As last week- we didn’t invite you.
I’m standing here speaking only for myself because I think that, whatever I’m saying now is what I feel. I feel like such a jerk, and so hypocritical. Singing about God’s family and all and at the same time drawing a boundary and creating barriers.
I think I should explain. Again, I’m not speaking for anyone else because this is well, why I think the way I do. Remember the old gardens clubhouse? I was in like lower sec, looking through photo albums one day and there were a few loose photos that slipped out of the album. The old old yfers were inside. It was at night and was taken against the backdrop of junction8- like how j8 was before all the renovations took place- just a peachy coloured building. They all looked so happy.
I wanted our batch to be like that too. Going out together, doing happy things and having fun the way we do in Christian fellowship that is quite unlike any other be it school, or outside friends.
I guess in my eagerness to create that utopian yf things went awry and I was so blinded I didn’t see how an exclusive circle had been created.
Not till yesterday during lunch anyway.
The feeling of not being included when you know you should, sucks. It really does. I know no one’s going to think very much of me in that I’m up here only because I experienced the same feeling. Yeah I know that if I’d been told to bring my pj shirt I would have and I’d have been there too laughing and jumping around like everyone else was.
That’s why I’m so amazed that people like wilfred and ying quan-
[pause]
Have treated me the same as they did even before the whole exclusivity thing began. I’m touched by their Christian love and colourless spectacles. I’m sorry and I want to apologize to everyone who has felt left out because of anything I said or did. I hope you forgive me.
Yf is a place that has love. It really does. And there’s this entire pool of warmth that’s just waiting to be tapped so that it can flow out. Every year during yf camp it abounds and delights, but the hole seals up gradually after camp. There’s so much potential in us having true fellowship, accepting each and every one of us without judgment. If someone does or says things that aren’t socially conventional, to realize that it’s part of their growing up and to edify with love, rather than make a joke out of it. To stop using other people’s names just because they once said something strange. It can happen, it really can.”
This is what I’d have said if I had the chance. I wanted to anyway, like to go up after michelle but then sam went up and then yeah.
So I hope by putting it up on my blog now it’ll kind of atone. I prayed that day that God would give me the courage and wisdom to know what and when to say this.
If, any of you reading this have ever ever felt left out because of what I said or did, I’m very, very sorry and I’d like to ask for the chance to start over again.
To vou: That night, what happened… I realize now that I’ve placed you on a pedestal. My expectations of you were sky high and that’s why when you crashed, you crashed so badly. What you did was definitely wrong but. I’m fine now and I’m praying God’ll somehow convince you that I’m fine. [I told you I was but I think you might not have believed me.]
I’m not too sure what our relationship as friends [or more than or less than] is going to be like now but I trust that God will be our Guide.
To jou: I’m confused. I may be mistaken but it seems to be that you want more than I can give. Why can’t we just be very very good friends? I thought we’d settled this two years ago. Then again maybe during camp I was just tired and reading too much into body language. heh.
To aou: Do you know how much you’re hurting her? We’ve all been friends for so many years. Maybe you should take a step back and see it from her point of view. You are such a dear friend of mine and you’ll never do it to me- which is why I’m rather puzzled as to your behaviour towards her because I know you love her so much too. Think about it?
To bou: I wish you knew that I love you. But it’s hard for me to tell you because I’m so much older. I seem to see so many faults in you, forgetting that I was once just like you. Perhaps it’s precisely because I see them that I want to get rid of them for you, to in a way, polish you. I pray that I’ll learn how to be a true sister.
To aou: Like I told you, you served the ball and I hit it back. Now it seems that it has rolled into a gutter on your side of the court. Just smiling in a really welcoming way whenever you catch my eye doesn’t cut it. I’m no master in the language of making-my-eyes-big-while-nodding-vigorously. You remain silent. It’s okay. I’ve moved on. If you can’t come up and open your mouth, I’m not going to lose any thing over that.
I’ve just come back from camp.. leaving tomorrow for chang mai. I’ll be back the day before Christmas. Wondering what’s going to happen over there, over here, to me, to my friends, to everybody but- one thing’s for sure. All things work together for good to them that love Him.
_________________________________________________
This is what I’d have said today at the end of yf camp during the closing/sharing session if I had the chance. Or would have tried to say anyway, because it’s all just so sensitive and complicated. I’d probably have bungled up the job and made it worse. I don’t know.
“Hi guys. Thanks for the camp. It’d have been a different camp if even one of you hadn’t come, so thanks for making it special because you came.
[then there’d have been a pause while I tried to screw up my courage and grope desperately mentally for the words to come without offending anyone.]
I’m up here to apologise.
Yesterday while you guys were planning for skits, I was given an eye opener. I was talking with someone I hadn’t seen for some time, and well. You know how when we were waiting for lunch, all the jc people wearing their jc clothes gathered around the quadrangle and took photos? Well I wasn’t there because they’d forgotten to tell me to bring my pj skirt. And yeah. As you might have realized, I brought only my secondary school jerseys. [cue for the campers to grin.]
Anyway even while I was feeling so upset and all and complaining to my friend I was actually glad that they hadn’t told me to bring my shirt. Because if I had, then I’d have been there too laughing happily away. And not aware of the feeling of being left out.
[another long pause while I gather my thoughts.]
It’s like. I realized then that something has been happening this later half of the year that might, well, cause a rift in yf. During the sharings so far everyone has been talking about how yf is like a family and all and so what happened yesterday wasn’t very good.
I want to apologize to all the non-jc 87 yfers. I’m just so very sorry that in our 87 outings and all- like the one after our Chinese A paper last year, and the one after our As last week- we didn’t invite you.
I’m standing here speaking only for myself because I think that, whatever I’m saying now is what I feel. I feel like such a jerk, and so hypocritical. Singing about God’s family and all and at the same time drawing a boundary and creating barriers.
I think I should explain. Again, I’m not speaking for anyone else because this is well, why I think the way I do. Remember the old gardens clubhouse? I was in like lower sec, looking through photo albums one day and there were a few loose photos that slipped out of the album. The old old yfers were inside. It was at night and was taken against the backdrop of junction8- like how j8 was before all the renovations took place- just a peachy coloured building. They all looked so happy.
I wanted our batch to be like that too. Going out together, doing happy things and having fun the way we do in Christian fellowship that is quite unlike any other be it school, or outside friends.
I guess in my eagerness to create that utopian yf things went awry and I was so blinded I didn’t see how an exclusive circle had been created.
Not till yesterday during lunch anyway.
The feeling of not being included when you know you should, sucks. It really does. I know no one’s going to think very much of me in that I’m up here only because I experienced the same feeling. Yeah I know that if I’d been told to bring my pj shirt I would have and I’d have been there too laughing and jumping around like everyone else was.
That’s why I’m so amazed that people like wilfred and ying quan-
[pause]
Have treated me the same as they did even before the whole exclusivity thing began. I’m touched by their Christian love and colourless spectacles. I’m sorry and I want to apologize to everyone who has felt left out because of anything I said or did. I hope you forgive me.
Yf is a place that has love. It really does. And there’s this entire pool of warmth that’s just waiting to be tapped so that it can flow out. Every year during yf camp it abounds and delights, but the hole seals up gradually after camp. There’s so much potential in us having true fellowship, accepting each and every one of us without judgment. If someone does or says things that aren’t socially conventional, to realize that it’s part of their growing up and to edify with love, rather than make a joke out of it. To stop using other people’s names just because they once said something strange. It can happen, it really can.”
This is what I’d have said if I had the chance. I wanted to anyway, like to go up after michelle but then sam went up and then yeah.
So I hope by putting it up on my blog now it’ll kind of atone. I prayed that day that God would give me the courage and wisdom to know what and when to say this.
If, any of you reading this have ever ever felt left out because of what I said or did, I’m very, very sorry and I’d like to ask for the chance to start over again.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
she's a happy girl (:
Hellooo! kk I’m like supposed to be in camp NOW but I’ll take five minutes to bash an update. (:
I have a direct bus to woodlands!!! =D
Big FAT happy grin. Don’t you just love bt timah? hur hur.
prom was good too! okay the image you see below [if it comes out] is the only one I have so far but I’m waiting [not-so-patiently] for the rest to come so I can put them up too! (: sorry if I look strange k. The photographer kept telling me to pose this way and that and I got really confused so in the midst of concentrating on holding the pose, this was the best I could give. hahaha.
I have like so much to tell- like how I traveled from bt batok to woodlands to yew tee to suntec to home [and now I have to go to the east side of Singapore] and how I STILL can’t stand the driving centre but I am too too busy! haha. Never mind. At least I’m a happy girl (: Doesn’t that make you happy too?
haha. kk better go. The girls will kill me otherwise. (:
Off to camp!
And it’s joel’s boho themed party tomorrow! yeahhhh. (:
I’m starting to love the hols. :)
p/s [don't tell them but it's been like 15 mins but I'm still downloading the picasa thing sooo... =Pp. ohwell. worse to worst I miss dinner. Not like it's message or anything. heh.]
p/s[2] yeah I read what you said girl. Now read what I posted! [although you would already have if yr reading this. grinn.]
p/s [3] I give up. no photo for this entry. silly picasa
I have a direct bus to woodlands!!! =D
Big FAT happy grin. Don’t you just love bt timah? hur hur.
prom was good too! okay the image you see below [if it comes out] is the only one I have so far but I’m waiting [not-so-patiently] for the rest to come so I can put them up too! (: sorry if I look strange k. The photographer kept telling me to pose this way and that and I got really confused so in the midst of concentrating on holding the pose, this was the best I could give. hahaha.
I have like so much to tell- like how I traveled from bt batok to woodlands to yew tee to suntec to home [and now I have to go to the east side of Singapore] and how I STILL can’t stand the driving centre but I am too too busy! haha. Never mind. At least I’m a happy girl (: Doesn’t that make you happy too?
haha. kk better go. The girls will kill me otherwise. (:
Off to camp!
And it’s joel’s boho themed party tomorrow! yeahhhh. (:
I’m starting to love the hols. :)
p/s [don't tell them but it's been like 15 mins but I'm still downloading the picasa thing sooo... =Pp. ohwell. worse to worst I miss dinner. Not like it's message or anything. heh.]
p/s[2] yeah I read what you said girl. Now read what I posted! [although you would already have if yr reading this. grinn.]
p/s [3] I give up. no photo for this entry. silly picasa
Sunday, December 04, 2005
this encapsulates it better
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
shrug
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
it'sl ike
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
auto mode
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
don't feel
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
if i do feel the only thing i feel is pressure
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
like.. there's a list stuck inside my head and it's really long
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
there are checkboxes beside each item
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
the fast i tick them the shorter the list will grow
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
but there seems to be no end
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
more stuff keeps adding on
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
so
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
prom's one item on the checkbox
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
today's full itenary was another item
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
that's all they are
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
i didn't really want to go today?
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
but i can't say no to any of them
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
every item on the checkbox must be ticked
squeeze into 20 pictures. says:
yikess. girl. its can't be good tt you're so busy tt these potentially exciting/fun events bcome items on a list tt just bug u till they're ticked away... please say u have certain days for rest, and time to yourself?
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
huh
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
you tell me how. i have no days free.
shrug
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
it'sl ike
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
auto mode
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
don't feel
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
if i do feel the only thing i feel is pressure
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
like.. there's a list stuck inside my head and it's really long
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
there are checkboxes beside each item
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
the fast i tick them the shorter the list will grow
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
but there seems to be no end
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
more stuff keeps adding on
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
so
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
prom's one item on the checkbox
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
today's full itenary was another item
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
that's all they are
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
i didn't really want to go today?
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
but i can't say no to any of them
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
every item on the checkbox must be ticked
squeeze into 20 pictures. says:
yikess. girl. its can't be good tt you're so busy tt these potentially exciting/fun events bcome items on a list tt just bug u till they're ticked away... please say u have certain days for rest, and time to yourself?
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
huh
anybody wants to let a room in woodlands? says:
you tell me how. i have no days free.
hey
I'm better :) Thanks. mmm I think I just went into overwhelmed mode last night. Well. Everything still looks the same but I'll get over them somehow. By God's grace.
I'll be leaving for yf camp soon.. then thailand. I'll be home the day before Christmas. Hopefully wiser, hopefully more prepared for the world. And really ideally, everything should be settled by the last week of the year.
What to do.
I'll be leaving for yf camp soon.. then thailand. I'll be home the day before Christmas. Hopefully wiser, hopefully more prepared for the world. And really ideally, everything should be settled by the last week of the year.
What to do.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
I have like absolutely no time. suffice it to say that I’m incredibly stressed. The bt batok driving centre is dodgy and slimy. I can’t believe I’ll be taking my driving lessons there. I haven’t started a single lesson and already I’m sick and tired.
I have so many things to settle by myself. The payment for all the things, and I have to find a room in woodlands. All by myself. Alone. Even though I'm still an eighteen year old, fresh out of school.
Yeah you know how I said parents never learn? Guess what now it seems that- sigh. I really don’t know what to say. I need more time to exorcise the frustration within me. But no time no time. I have to wake up at four tomorrow. Four a.m. To run.
Anybody has a room to let in woodlands? Must be near fuchun primary school. I’ll elaborate more next time… but yeah if anyone has, or know anyone who does.. please call me asap.
I have to go. Everything’s so rushed, there’s no space to breathe, to think… There really isn’t. Now my brother’s rushing me off the com.
I’m this close to losing it.
And the worst thing is?
There doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. Not till.. july next year when uni starts.
Maybe uni will be less stressful.
I really don't know what to say. I really don't.
I just want to cry.
I don't know what to say.
I'm sorry.
I have so many things to settle by myself. The payment for all the things, and I have to find a room in woodlands. All by myself. Alone. Even though I'm still an eighteen year old, fresh out of school.
Yeah you know how I said parents never learn? Guess what now it seems that- sigh. I really don’t know what to say. I need more time to exorcise the frustration within me. But no time no time. I have to wake up at four tomorrow. Four a.m. To run.
Anybody has a room to let in woodlands? Must be near fuchun primary school. I’ll elaborate more next time… but yeah if anyone has, or know anyone who does.. please call me asap.
I have to go. Everything’s so rushed, there’s no space to breathe, to think… There really isn’t. Now my brother’s rushing me off the com.
I’m this close to losing it.
And the worst thing is?
There doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. Not till.. july next year when uni starts.
Maybe uni will be less stressful.
I really don't know what to say. I really don't.
I just want to cry.
I don't know what to say.
I'm sorry.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
a release of sorts
Today’s Tuesday.. and finally I am able to- allowed to- write. It’s been quite queasy the last few days.. I’ve had so many words bubbling and boiling inside me, each one scrambling over the other in a bid to come up tops, to be heard. Only to reach a roof at the top of the cavern. An impenetrable, Word-Nullifier roof that inexorably slammed each word down to the sandy floor of the cave again. And more words tried to climb up and out.
Life’s really quirky. I finished my As with an irregularity report filed against me, slumped down on my chair. Yet I think that even if I didn’t have that report I wouldn’t have been screaming with euphoria the way some of the others were. I’d rehearsed it in my head so many times, countless times, in immeasurable ways. Explored all the possibilities. Fly out of the hall? Cartwheel down the ramp? Screech with Infinite Joy? Notwithstanding that I can’t do the last two.
I ended the paper before the time. Did a little pump-in-the-air and a little mental jig around the chair. There was a deep, certain satisfaction that enveloped me. For awhile.
I spent the rest of the day in church. Saturday morning found me in the rainforests of Singapore, running along the mud tracks and getting lost with Darrell. heh. Later on the ghosts of the air saw me playing wet games, getting soaking wet and then sitting on a plastic bag in the evening in kel’s car, trying desperately not to dampen even an inch of his luxurious, oh-so-comfy car. Spent the night in Sentosa with people I missed a lot, and then kel sent me home with a headache.
Started pmsing majorly on Sunday. I’ve stopped.
Throughout the weekend I was numb. As though somebody had coated me with quality Numbing Paint that left me feeling with the inside, but the pores were lacquered shut and wisps of madness couldn’t caper around the room. Any room. Perhaps I’m so used to feeling [for want of a better word] pressured that I’ve forgotten any other way. Even now that I’m [theoretically] free I load myself with Things To Do. Events that are supposed to be relaxing become its antithesis because the Self needs to feel directed.
It’s true. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and Another Place make strange bedfellows in my head. Companionable, though rather awkward sometimes.
Before school ended I went for an interview with mrs kor, pjc’s hod in gp. She told me I was her second, if not first choice should they require a teacher. Last Saturday after the run mrs wee [pe hod] told me that a primary school in woodlands needed a teacher. Both positions for six months, same pay. One far away, one close to me. I love pj, I do. It’d have been a source of joy for me to teach gp in pjc. Woodlands is far away, is foreign.
But it’s a confirmed slot.
For pjc, I’d have to wait till mid December before I get any news. Even then it isn’t certain that I’ve secured the place. It depends on how many year ones there will be next year, as well as the number of teachers moe will send. And I must let mrs wee know by this week. I told her I'll tell her today. My heart is quite heavy actually. mommy proposed that I stay at my god grandparents’ home during the duration of my teaching course, since god grandpa john teaches in woodlands too. He can send me, well, somewhere close I suppose. But it’s so strange! I know and like them but to sojourn in a slightly familiar house for five, six months.. I’d rather live in a completely unfamiliar house. The obligations would then be merely that of strangers, and I am perfuctionary in that. It is living in a house that knows my parents well that I shy away from. Knowing my parents well is not tantamount to knowing me well. Will adults never learn?
On a side note, I’m quite surprised that mommy thought of it. I mean. She’s the one who cried so hard when my brother first went to live in the singapore sports’ school. What am I to do?
Maybe. I should quit pondering and be grateful that I have been provided two job offers so easily, whereas hundreds of other applicants have to wait via the system. Take what I can. sigh. Maybe it’s like, a trial run of hostel life next year. I need the money.
Guess I’ll go.
I guess I don’t really know what to say. I feel alienated.. having to make decisions on my own. To. In a way. Grow Up. Is this what being mature means? To make choices and then find the guts to stick with them? Maybe I’m a sucker for emotional hemorrhage. Maybe.
Life’s really quirky. I finished my As with an irregularity report filed against me, slumped down on my chair. Yet I think that even if I didn’t have that report I wouldn’t have been screaming with euphoria the way some of the others were. I’d rehearsed it in my head so many times, countless times, in immeasurable ways. Explored all the possibilities. Fly out of the hall? Cartwheel down the ramp? Screech with Infinite Joy? Notwithstanding that I can’t do the last two.
I ended the paper before the time. Did a little pump-in-the-air and a little mental jig around the chair. There was a deep, certain satisfaction that enveloped me. For awhile.
I spent the rest of the day in church. Saturday morning found me in the rainforests of Singapore, running along the mud tracks and getting lost with Darrell. heh. Later on the ghosts of the air saw me playing wet games, getting soaking wet and then sitting on a plastic bag in the evening in kel’s car, trying desperately not to dampen even an inch of his luxurious, oh-so-comfy car. Spent the night in Sentosa with people I missed a lot, and then kel sent me home with a headache.
Started pmsing majorly on Sunday. I’ve stopped.
Throughout the weekend I was numb. As though somebody had coated me with quality Numbing Paint that left me feeling with the inside, but the pores were lacquered shut and wisps of madness couldn’t caper around the room. Any room. Perhaps I’m so used to feeling [for want of a better word] pressured that I’ve forgotten any other way. Even now that I’m [theoretically] free I load myself with Things To Do. Events that are supposed to be relaxing become its antithesis because the Self needs to feel directed.
It’s true. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and Another Place make strange bedfellows in my head. Companionable, though rather awkward sometimes.
Before school ended I went for an interview with mrs kor, pjc’s hod in gp. She told me I was her second, if not first choice should they require a teacher. Last Saturday after the run mrs wee [pe hod] told me that a primary school in woodlands needed a teacher. Both positions for six months, same pay. One far away, one close to me. I love pj, I do. It’d have been a source of joy for me to teach gp in pjc. Woodlands is far away, is foreign.
But it’s a confirmed slot.
For pjc, I’d have to wait till mid December before I get any news. Even then it isn’t certain that I’ve secured the place. It depends on how many year ones there will be next year, as well as the number of teachers moe will send. And I must let mrs wee know by this week. I told her I'll tell her today. My heart is quite heavy actually. mommy proposed that I stay at my god grandparents’ home during the duration of my teaching course, since god grandpa john teaches in woodlands too. He can send me, well, somewhere close I suppose. But it’s so strange! I know and like them but to sojourn in a slightly familiar house for five, six months.. I’d rather live in a completely unfamiliar house. The obligations would then be merely that of strangers, and I am perfuctionary in that. It is living in a house that knows my parents well that I shy away from. Knowing my parents well is not tantamount to knowing me well. Will adults never learn?
On a side note, I’m quite surprised that mommy thought of it. I mean. She’s the one who cried so hard when my brother first went to live in the singapore sports’ school. What am I to do?
Maybe. I should quit pondering and be grateful that I have been provided two job offers so easily, whereas hundreds of other applicants have to wait via the system. Take what I can. sigh. Maybe it’s like, a trial run of hostel life next year. I need the money.
Guess I’ll go.
I guess I don’t really know what to say. I feel alienated.. having to make decisions on my own. To. In a way. Grow Up. Is this what being mature means? To make choices and then find the guts to stick with them? Maybe I’m a sucker for emotional hemorrhage. Maybe.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
hello!
okay this is just an extremely short post to ALL THOSE WHO LEFT COMMENTS ON MY PREVIOUS POST (: yupp. thanks for being part of me.
yes darling erica I got back my notes!!! Some little girl called the school and they called me and I called her and she said hougang at eight-and I live in bt timah SO- I called daddy and daddy said he'll settle it and he did!
I GOT MY NOTES BACK!!! =D
yupp. :)
Friday. I AM READY.
[did I mention I love you girls? (:]
and yes al I'll do your thing. uhh soon. haha. and yes mindy I'll do your thing too! soon too. haha.
yes darling erica I got back my notes!!! Some little girl called the school and they called me and I called her and she said hougang at eight-and I live in bt timah SO- I called daddy and daddy said he'll settle it and he did!
I GOT MY NOTES BACK!!! =D
yupp. :)
Friday. I AM READY.
[did I mention I love you girls? (:]
and yes al I'll do your thing. uhh soon. haha. and yes mindy I'll do your thing too! soon too. haha.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Recap on the Second week of the As.
Okayy I really don’t have much time but I figured it was good to bang something out on the com to, capture the week I guess. I mean. If there’s a ‘Recap on the first week of the As’ then there should be a recap on the second right?
And anyway it’s my blog so I’ll write. grin.
For the record, I had econs and prac crit. And an acquired tummy after pigging out on Friday. =/. ohwell.
Econs was…
okay I really don’t know. I mean. I don’t have a good feeling about all the papers taken so far? L What else can I say? I’m really not looking forward to feb2006.
Yet I can’t help but feel that such words show a lack of faith that remonstrates against me. Because God HAS been good. Not good in the way we expect. God’s ways aren’t ours you know. So no, while I haven’t been blessed with a sudden mysterious influx of wisdom nor do I feel that I deserve this because I HAVE been studying these past two years…
I was talking with vincent the other day and he was like “if you have been honouring God He’ll honour you”. I think it works differently? I mean. there are many many godly people who don’t succeed in the secular world.
God has a blueprint laid out in our lives. If it involves bad A level results, what will I say? That I will turn away from Him? surely not. If I can’t trust God with my life who can I trust?
“Blessed be your name/When the sun’s shinning down on me/When the world’s all as it should be/Blessed be your name.
Blessed be your name/On the road marked with suffering/Though there’s pain in the offering/Blessed be your name.”
Look at Paul. A Roman by citizenship [which meant he was free born, a very big thing then], and a Pharisee- which meant that he not only knew his stuff, but knew if well enough to teach AND live it out. So highly educated.
Yet he spent the latter part of his life shuttling from prison to prison, bound by chains and kept in cramped dark cells under the ground where food and drink was let down by a rope. But look at what he achieved for God!
ay. I have been doing my work. So come feb2006, no matter what I get, I will give thanks because. It’s part of God’s plan for me, and somehow, ALL things work together for good to them that love Him.
Oh I almost forgot to mention that I lost all my Gothic notes. sigh. This morning on the bus on the way to church. Okay I have some stuff [for which I am eternally grateful –see? Count little blessings] but well. It is easy to continue berating myself for such asinine carelessness. At least I have Hannah with me (: the darling studies with me and yes she takes lit; otherwise, who will I turn to? A second blessing to count on I suppose. No need to suppose. Hannah is a blessing.
I don’t know what the future holds- I just live from day to day at the moment. I don’t borrow from the sunshine- for the skies may turn to grey. Yet. I don’t worry over the future, for I know what Jesus said. And today, I’ll walk beside Him, for He knows what is ahead.
[It’s from a song.. and it has been a great source of comfort for me.]
Well. Two papers left. Both lit. It’s getting harder mentally, not least because they’re my last papers. Thursday and Friday. Then I’ll be free. Free free free. FREE. I’m going to give myself a treat on Friday.. I’ll spend the night at Sentosa [there’s a kids camp and I’m going to visit] and on sat morning I’ll laze by the beach. :D
And anyway it’s my blog so I’ll write. grin.
For the record, I had econs and prac crit. And an acquired tummy after pigging out on Friday. =/. ohwell.
Econs was…
okay I really don’t know. I mean. I don’t have a good feeling about all the papers taken so far? L What else can I say? I’m really not looking forward to feb2006.
Yet I can’t help but feel that such words show a lack of faith that remonstrates against me. Because God HAS been good. Not good in the way we expect. God’s ways aren’t ours you know. So no, while I haven’t been blessed with a sudden mysterious influx of wisdom nor do I feel that I deserve this because I HAVE been studying these past two years…
I was talking with vincent the other day and he was like “if you have been honouring God He’ll honour you”. I think it works differently? I mean. there are many many godly people who don’t succeed in the secular world.
God has a blueprint laid out in our lives. If it involves bad A level results, what will I say? That I will turn away from Him? surely not. If I can’t trust God with my life who can I trust?
“Blessed be your name/When the sun’s shinning down on me/When the world’s all as it should be/Blessed be your name.
Blessed be your name/On the road marked with suffering/Though there’s pain in the offering/Blessed be your name.”
Look at Paul. A Roman by citizenship [which meant he was free born, a very big thing then], and a Pharisee- which meant that he not only knew his stuff, but knew if well enough to teach AND live it out. So highly educated.
Yet he spent the latter part of his life shuttling from prison to prison, bound by chains and kept in cramped dark cells under the ground where food and drink was let down by a rope. But look at what he achieved for God!
ay. I have been doing my work. So come feb2006, no matter what I get, I will give thanks because. It’s part of God’s plan for me, and somehow, ALL things work together for good to them that love Him.
Oh I almost forgot to mention that I lost all my Gothic notes. sigh. This morning on the bus on the way to church. Okay I have some stuff [for which I am eternally grateful –see? Count little blessings] but well. It is easy to continue berating myself for such asinine carelessness. At least I have Hannah with me (: the darling studies with me and yes she takes lit; otherwise, who will I turn to? A second blessing to count on I suppose. No need to suppose. Hannah is a blessing.
I don’t know what the future holds- I just live from day to day at the moment. I don’t borrow from the sunshine- for the skies may turn to grey. Yet. I don’t worry over the future, for I know what Jesus said. And today, I’ll walk beside Him, for He knows what is ahead.
[It’s from a song.. and it has been a great source of comfort for me.]
Well. Two papers left. Both lit. It’s getting harder mentally, not least because they’re my last papers. Thursday and Friday. Then I’ll be free. Free free free. FREE. I’m going to give myself a treat on Friday.. I’ll spend the night at Sentosa [there’s a kids camp and I’m going to visit] and on sat morning I’ll laze by the beach. :D
Friday, November 11, 2005
recap on the first week of As.
Guess I should do a recap on the past week.. heh.
It’s been really traumatizing in more ways than one?
Especially math. =/. I guess it was just really wretched to sit through a three hour paper fighting mounting panic which doubled each time I realized I couldn’t do a question. which, trust me, was pretty often. ): I mean, how stupid can one feel? [Oh look. It’s a geometric progression, with a ratio of 2. hah. I feel like puking when I write this.] Two years of work done gone, poof, blown away in one sitting. woah right? yeah I know. sigh. what to do.
Anyhow, today was gp.. which was funny in a way. I read all the questions and was preparing to do “Discuss how TV programmes and magazines aimed at young people have a positive effect” [or something like that] when I realized that I don’t watch tv. How about that? haha. I wouldn’t have been able to crap through. I mean, one needs to know not just local and international programmes, but the programs in suria, arts central and so on. Then I settled for the question which went “Life should be slowed down, not sped up”. I had gorgeous quotes from travel writer Pico Iyer and local poet Boey Kim Cheng and I was planning and planning but the brain refused to work! And it just kept thinking about the math paper. I was starting to panic again…
And thought. sigh. If you can’t beat them, join them.
My gp essay topic:
“Consider the view that the study of mathematics is intellectually satisfying, but of little practical use.”
Oh, the IRONY.
I had fun writing it though. In a way. It was like confronting yesterday’s demons and exorcising them. Thank God that Mr Koh [bless his heart] is such an amazing teacher.
sigh. bah. okay. arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. =/ [hannah knows what I mean.]
Well his thorough drilling was spot on. Not only on the mathematics question, but the one on the speed of life. How about that? Two out of twelve questions hit the target. I mean. What are the odds? [can't be calculated with the poisson distribution.]
I'M DONE WITH AQ! Even if I did mess it up.
On a side note, Kenneth did the question on farming. Which I found hilarious. You have secret ambitions huh? I’d always thought you wanted to be a porn star. evil evil grin. But seriously. I didn’t know anyone’d feel confident enough to attempt that question.
Speaking of demons and exorcisms, I almost watched ‘The exorcism of Emily’ or something like that. I mean. It’d be pretty intellectually stimulating now wouldn’t it? But jotee [or jo] insisted on ‘just like heaven’ and he paid so I had no say. He promised I would enjoy what he called a “brainless happy show” and guess what. I did. =Pp Thanks for cheering me up man. (:
And hey you the one I’ve known since THIS small. I actually stayed back during the credits. It was an unconscious thing actually. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until jotee asked me why I wasn’t leaving. Do you remember what we always do? I briefly contemplated teaching him the finer points about movie watching but then decided that some things are meant for you and I. Come back soon k?
ahwell. This is pretty rambly. But hey. It does get my message across.
Round Two of The A Levels coming right up. Book your tickets early, the first quarter starts next Tuesday.
It’s been really traumatizing in more ways than one?
Especially math. =/. I guess it was just really wretched to sit through a three hour paper fighting mounting panic which doubled each time I realized I couldn’t do a question. which, trust me, was pretty often. ): I mean, how stupid can one feel? [Oh look. It’s a geometric progression, with a ratio of 2. hah. I feel like puking when I write this.] Two years of work done gone, poof, blown away in one sitting. woah right? yeah I know. sigh. what to do.
Anyhow, today was gp.. which was funny in a way. I read all the questions and was preparing to do “Discuss how TV programmes and magazines aimed at young people have a positive effect” [or something like that] when I realized that I don’t watch tv. How about that? haha. I wouldn’t have been able to crap through. I mean, one needs to know not just local and international programmes, but the programs in suria, arts central and so on. Then I settled for the question which went “Life should be slowed down, not sped up”. I had gorgeous quotes from travel writer Pico Iyer and local poet Boey Kim Cheng and I was planning and planning but the brain refused to work! And it just kept thinking about the math paper. I was starting to panic again…
And thought. sigh. If you can’t beat them, join them.
My gp essay topic:
“Consider the view that the study of mathematics is intellectually satisfying, but of little practical use.”
Oh, the IRONY.
I had fun writing it though. In a way. It was like confronting yesterday’s demons and exorcising them. Thank God that Mr Koh [bless his heart] is such an amazing teacher.
sigh. bah. okay. arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. =/ [hannah knows what I mean.]
Well his thorough drilling was spot on. Not only on the mathematics question, but the one on the speed of life. How about that? Two out of twelve questions hit the target. I mean. What are the odds? [can't be calculated with the poisson distribution.]
I'M DONE WITH AQ! Even if I did mess it up.
On a side note, Kenneth did the question on farming. Which I found hilarious. You have secret ambitions huh? I’d always thought you wanted to be a porn star. evil evil grin. But seriously. I didn’t know anyone’d feel confident enough to attempt that question.
Speaking of demons and exorcisms, I almost watched ‘The exorcism of Emily’ or something like that. I mean. It’d be pretty intellectually stimulating now wouldn’t it? But jotee [or jo] insisted on ‘just like heaven’ and he paid so I had no say. He promised I would enjoy what he called a “brainless happy show” and guess what. I did. =Pp Thanks for cheering me up man. (:
And hey you the one I’ve known since THIS small. I actually stayed back during the credits. It was an unconscious thing actually. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until jotee asked me why I wasn’t leaving. Do you remember what we always do? I briefly contemplated teaching him the finer points about movie watching but then decided that some things are meant for you and I. Come back soon k?
ahwell. This is pretty rambly. But hey. It does get my message across.
Round Two of The A Levels coming right up. Book your tickets early, the first quarter starts next Tuesday.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
rachel says:
i mean
rachel says:
study, put in effort and it pays off right? but i've been doing that and yet i'm nowhere near anywhere i should be. i pray day and night for. well. brains and please please please God to help me.
rachel says:
but now it seems to me that this is a test. like how i say i'll trust him in everything.. well this is a really bad patch in my life now and am i still trusting in him?
rachel says:
God's plan for me might just feature bad a level grades.. i can't say that he won't give me crap grades even if i have been putting in the effort.
rachel says:
as in. yeah i'm still praying all the time that he'll grant me the grades i feel my efforts deserve but well.
rachel says:
i mean
rachel says:
sigh
Vince says:
hmmm
rachel says:
it's hard to say yes God i'll trust you no matter what in these circumstances
i mean
rachel says:
study, put in effort and it pays off right? but i've been doing that and yet i'm nowhere near anywhere i should be. i pray day and night for. well. brains and please please please God to help me.
rachel says:
but now it seems to me that this is a test. like how i say i'll trust him in everything.. well this is a really bad patch in my life now and am i still trusting in him?
rachel says:
God's plan for me might just feature bad a level grades.. i can't say that he won't give me crap grades even if i have been putting in the effort.
rachel says:
as in. yeah i'm still praying all the time that he'll grant me the grades i feel my efforts deserve but well.
rachel says:
i mean
rachel says:
sigh
Vince says:
hmmm
rachel says:
it's hard to say yes God i'll trust you no matter what in these circumstances
Saturday, October 15, 2005
"Here I stand
The dawning of a brand new day
As I look to the way ahead
In my heart burns the fire of learning
And it shines everywhere I go
Never fading and ever yearning-
While I live, I learn and grow
I will seek and explore
Open each and every door
Always caring and faithful and true
To be a guiding light
Set the future shining bright
For my college,
And for nation too
I am a true Pioneer
Crossing every new frontier
With conviction I take every turn
This passion I will hold
So that everyone may know
I believe, while I live I learn."
I tried to sing this today, but I couldn't for the tears that were coursing down my face and the sobs that were threatening to overwhelm me.
When all's been said and done, I'm here. I chose pjc; I chose to be a pioneer. No more looking at what-ifs and perhaps[s]. They're useless, I see it now.
I chose to be in pjc... and it is a good choice.
Saying goodbye today was nothing like I'd dreamed of. According to fauzy, sometime this time last year I envisioned a grand sobby farewell with 04A01.
I had my sobby farewell all right.. but who would have imagined that I'd be in tears not because of 04A01 but because of my actions this year?
04A01 disbanded last year.. too many people retained. hah. That's what happens to the funkiest classes that drink too long on the cup of life and forget the importance of drudgery in school.
I cried because of certain things I did.
To those whom I hurt because of my words, I'm sorry.
That's all I'll say here. I've said that I want to to you today.. and I've made extra efforts with some people.
It's just that- today was a very painful day for me and I realise more than ever just how special some people are. Who are able to see beyond my careless words and deeds and love me for who I am. For maintaining the friendship.
The head hurts.. I think I'll go off.
[so does the heart. goodnight.]
The dawning of a brand new day
As I look to the way ahead
In my heart burns the fire of learning
And it shines everywhere I go
Never fading and ever yearning-
While I live, I learn and grow
I will seek and explore
Open each and every door
Always caring and faithful and true
To be a guiding light
Set the future shining bright
For my college,
And for nation too
I am a true Pioneer
Crossing every new frontier
With conviction I take every turn
This passion I will hold
So that everyone may know
I believe, while I live I learn."
I tried to sing this today, but I couldn't for the tears that were coursing down my face and the sobs that were threatening to overwhelm me.
When all's been said and done, I'm here. I chose pjc; I chose to be a pioneer. No more looking at what-ifs and perhaps[s]. They're useless, I see it now.
I chose to be in pjc... and it is a good choice.
Saying goodbye today was nothing like I'd dreamed of. According to fauzy, sometime this time last year I envisioned a grand sobby farewell with 04A01.
I had my sobby farewell all right.. but who would have imagined that I'd be in tears not because of 04A01 but because of my actions this year?
04A01 disbanded last year.. too many people retained. hah. That's what happens to the funkiest classes that drink too long on the cup of life and forget the importance of drudgery in school.
I cried because of certain things I did.
To those whom I hurt because of my words, I'm sorry.
That's all I'll say here. I've said that I want to to you today.. and I've made extra efforts with some people.
It's just that- today was a very painful day for me and I realise more than ever just how special some people are. Who are able to see beyond my careless words and deeds and love me for who I am. For maintaining the friendship.
The head hurts.. I think I'll go off.
[so does the heart. goodnight.]
Monday, October 10, 2005
Once upon a time there was a girl. She liked drawing netball poles with netballs on her notes. Her friend liked them too. Her friend told her so on the canteen table. The girl remembered that just that morning, she had drawn her best ever netball pole with a netball on her inequalities lecture notes. She wanted her friend to have her best ever netball pole with the netball.
"Will you give me your inequalities lecture notes?" , the girl asked.
"Give? no? why?", her friend replied.
"Will you give me your notes?", she persisted.
"But I need them. Do our lectures clash?"
"No."
"Okay so maybe I could lend them to you and have them back afterward?"
"Will you give me your lecture notes?"
"No. I need them."
"Will you give me your notes?"
"Why?"
"I want them."
"But I need them."
"Will you give me your lecture notes?"
Silence.
"Trust me", the girl tried to convey with her eyes. But maybe because she wore her glasses that day the message got stopped by the glass. She wanted her friend to have her best ever drawing of the netball pole with the netball. Her friend liked her drawings of netball poles with netballs.
And she loved her friend, so she tried again.
"Will you give me your inequalities lecture notes?"
"No! Is this a test?"
The girl looked down.
"Will you give me your inequalities lecture notes?"
"No.."
"Okay."
"Will you give me your inequalities lecture notes?" , the girl asked.
"Give? no? why?", her friend replied.
"Will you give me your notes?", she persisted.
"But I need them. Do our lectures clash?"
"No."
"Okay so maybe I could lend them to you and have them back afterward?"
"Will you give me your lecture notes?"
"No. I need them."
"Will you give me your notes?"
"Why?"
"I want them."
"But I need them."
"Will you give me your lecture notes?"
Silence.
"Trust me", the girl tried to convey with her eyes. But maybe because she wore her glasses that day the message got stopped by the glass. She wanted her friend to have her best ever drawing of the netball pole with the netball. Her friend liked her drawings of netball poles with netballs.
And she loved her friend, so she tried again.
"Will you give me your inequalities lecture notes?"
"No! Is this a test?"
The girl looked down.
"Will you give me your inequalities lecture notes?"
"No.."
"Okay."
Sunday, October 02, 2005
I'm just tired.
No mood for witty stories..
I spent an enjoyable night with the netballers [and some j1 basketballers] at the airport.. charissa pj iz firda myself colin benson and andrew.. j1 basketballers are funny. (:
Slept on mac's couch from four to six..
We went to harbourfront for breakfast.. gerald joined us.
Then it was off to Clementi and then church and then home.
So. To sum it up.
Changi to Harbourfront to Clementi to Serangoon Gardens to Bt Timah.
How about that?
On two hours of sleep too. [Of course, I napped on the rides.]
Tour Singapore Day.
I did crap for prelims.
This is nowhere near what last year's rachel had envisioned life to be.
rachel in j1 was a happy girl. Lots of stuff went right.
rachel in j2 is.. oh I don't know.
Told you I'm not in the mood for smart-talk.
I think I'm turning dumb.
hah.
sigh.
A levels A levels...
I think I won't be blogging much from now on..
So umm.
I don't know.
So weird.
I'm tired my dears.. tired.
I'm glad for you people who are so sweet. Who take time to spend with me. Even if I don't have time right now.
Hey. Be patient with me this coming month? I think I'm starting to snap at people.. which is real bad.
I don't want to. :'(
Maybe you guys should stay away from me.
I don't know rachel anymore.
No mood for witty stories..
I spent an enjoyable night with the netballers [and some j1 basketballers] at the airport.. charissa pj iz firda myself colin benson and andrew.. j1 basketballers are funny. (:
Slept on mac's couch from four to six..
We went to harbourfront for breakfast.. gerald joined us.
Then it was off to Clementi and then church and then home.
So. To sum it up.
Changi to Harbourfront to Clementi to Serangoon Gardens to Bt Timah.
How about that?
On two hours of sleep too. [Of course, I napped on the rides.]
Tour Singapore Day.
I did crap for prelims.
This is nowhere near what last year's rachel had envisioned life to be.
rachel in j1 was a happy girl. Lots of stuff went right.
rachel in j2 is.. oh I don't know.
Told you I'm not in the mood for smart-talk.
I think I'm turning dumb.
hah.
sigh.
A levels A levels...
I think I won't be blogging much from now on..
So umm.
I don't know.
So weird.
I'm tired my dears.. tired.
I'm glad for you people who are so sweet. Who take time to spend with me. Even if I don't have time right now.
Hey. Be patient with me this coming month? I think I'm starting to snap at people.. which is real bad.
I don't want to. :'(
Maybe you guys should stay away from me.
I don't know rachel anymore.
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