and then memories fade, they do. The lights that once blinded and dazzled aswemove`solongago are now a memory of a memory, and then the voice that delighted now no longer resounds. I can't even remember why, or how.it was, or just is. Accordingly, I'm as ambivalent. It costs rather too much to think, sometimes. Just pluck the string off the shirt that's tickling your tummy and don't.even think whether this sentence fits in. It doesn't. Tickling's a happy word. did you know that.
To recapitulate [as julia in daddy long legs would say of her professor], it's an ambivalent night. When your mind is stoned and your attitude would rival jay chou's. You jut one leg out onto the coffee table and loll back as far as your back on your backless chair will allow you to, looking sufficiently angsty yet in control at the same time. All perfectly natural.
On nights like these you don't care what to make of your writing; you don't care to form or shape it. The dozen setences that once paraded around your head don't. [don't what?, neil chomksy of -colourless green idea sleep furiously- would ask. but he's an anarchistic linguist, so we shall leave him out. it's more medalena than him, even if I know chomsky better through nerney, and again from political science.] Even punctuation used to make a difference; tonight I propose to talk too much, and too little. The previous sentence is [is? was?] missing a noun, and by extension, a pronoun. did you know that.

I dab idly at the stiff keyboard with two peices of caltex tissue paper, lazily lean over and fluff the screen. I'm predisposed to be perfectly boring tonight.

contact

Found my ex-5a students' blogs today.. haha. They're all happy mappy because the Os are over. [and what am I? still doing the whole exam thing =/] I said hi at a few of them.. 'twas fun. I do miss that class.

ohwellllllllll back to the books.

discernment

This might sound a little kooky, but I've honestly only just realised -with the epiphnic kind of understanding that arises when I see that |_0ki|^|^|@n is "lokiman", and not "l.oki ton" as I've been thinking for the past five years- that certain posts in my blog need to be read s`low`ly. I've always known it intuitively in my capacity of the writer of my posts, but the reader in me came to a concious understanding today.

And yes, I am a stereotypical arts student. [hardly] unfortunate, but true.

not a single you

Of flyaway emotions, of abstract concepts and. pachelbel's canon in D major on repeat. have I mentioned how much I love music.

of confusion, and of murk.- no, I never did mention that I love music.

of a vague sadness, of a wondering about change.

the desire to think in solitude.

please don't. I have realised I need stability in my life. status quo. something stable to hold on to, knowing that won't turn topdownbottomup.



it's okay to have one liners when it's needed. all that's required is an analysis why they're there.


please don't ask more of me than I can give. this, is for Everyone.

think



think




think




and then I remember that I am going to chiang mai after all, in a glorious adventure that's a secret for me to hug. an almost totally mine secret. [well I'd tell if asked. :)]



of questions, of quaint assurances.

why. why do I desire to be alone so much. When I have so many people who love me. What is wrong with me. don't I know how to appreciate what I have.
oh, but I do. I do.
What is wrong with me. Why can I burst into laughter so easily, and yet push people away. How can such contradictions exist within one person. whydoidesiretobealonesomuchwhenihavesomanypeoplewholoveme why do I crave solitude. when I laugh.

and so I write on, hoping that I'll reach the breaking point soon, where my finger touches exactly at what's getting at me and it goes away. Like a a cramp that builds up and screams me awake, and my sleep-drugged fingers probe till the muscle is found. and. then. it climaxes and the almost body shuddering relief floods the body so that you think maybe cramps are pretty worth it after all after all after all.

perhaps I have.

and it strikes me that I used to call it muse. My muse.

an ongoing list..

When I am married and keep the house.. I will have it nice and simple. Japanese style is what I'm thinking now. It's clean, and cosy at the same time. All the wood. (:

So, this is what I must have.:
1. A massage chair of the best quality
2. A toffel steamer for my veggies and tofu

will add more when I can think of them. :) such a happy list.

exams ):

lalala.

I'm blogging because I have like, 10 mins to waste. [time to Waste? hoho]
ayyy hall life is dragging me downnn. (I think I can hear mabel snickering somewhere)

Where's the balance between a good uni experience and being a responsible student huhhh.
I came to eusoff because I wanted to know what it was like, and I know I don't regret it but my studies suckkk. Hall life is indescribable; you'd need to live it. I mean, I could relate the details but you'd need to be doinggg it too. Like, just screaming down the corridor what time to go for dinner is not the same unless yr part of the screams, feeling it.
so.

ay so I might not stay in hall in year2; that may not be too bad either. At least I might actually gettt down to studying. =Pp


seems funny to be in uni at all. [k and when I make such statements I know I'm going to start thinking toooo much so we'll stop there. before I go onto melancholic rubbish.]

hall life is marvellous. things like doing the laundry, ironing and [most importantly] making my room mine. are such pleasurable things I remind myself everyday not to take these for granted. How many people get to do this? I've found out that I love doing the laundry. The smell of clothes fresh from the dryer.. (: ironing's pretty cool too. It's just the floor that I have some problems with.. never mind I'm sure the husband wldn't mind doing it :D decorating the room, remember colour complements.. such satisfaction. :)
A whole community of people just about the same age.. no adults. When will You get to open your door in the morning, and opposite you is tingyi, who's already up, and studying. Or stroll to the bathroom, and on your way back just casually barge into becky and xintian's room, because they're. There? that it's Them who are there, and not other people. And more crucially, that That's where You are.

Told you it's hard to explain.

oh my title was exams. right.
ayyyiah. going to fail laaa. [I think this is the first time I'm using singlish. haha.]


I can't wait to grow up...
grow up the way I am. :)



[and I just lost to becky at minesweeper. crap.]

hall life in one shot

I decided to show a glimpse of what life is like.. It's hard to explain to a non-hall person... it's an experience you see.

First though..

I gave blood!
1. I'm in self-pity mode here
2. Then I start to think
3. I have a thing for piercings
4. GIVE BLOOD :D
















Look! A funny bug decides to visit me. I reciprocate the honour by immortalising it on my blog. It looks like a little leaf walking upright..







I cooked this! :D not bad right. daniel [rf's son] is my module mate so I went over to his place the other day. soba, mushrooms, miso soup and veggie. awwesome.

and a little update on my room. (:



1.one of the sistas tied it outside my door after I slept.. I swear I nearly died of a heart attack when I woke up the next morning and opened the door there were these THINGS flying into my face and I had No Idea what they were.

2. The b4 guys... hahahha.

3. The b2 girls. mooncake festival celebrations. we roooock.

4. becky's birthday with b-blockers. my dear dear friend, wonderful sista and ermm occasionally-morphs-into-pet. [beck I told you I'd blog about you]
 

more stuff

okay this was the first gown.. since it's white it's like I'm a mini bride!











this is the second gown.. it got rejected though. =Pp


Eusoff in bloom!

















it's it gorrrgeous.. ((: 

just a quick note. i'm back to normal. will blog more when i have the time.

cheers

why do i hurt so much inside

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts.
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts.
Don't throw your hand.
Oh, no.
Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes.
So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts.
You are not alone

anguish

Because I promise I wouldn't blog when I'm so emotionally unstable, I won't.

This one doesn't count. I'm going to scream somewhere else.

I'm talking to myself. Not to any of you. So don't comment.

i plead temporary insanity

Let's just forget that previous post. Breakdowns in blogs are personally embarrassing. and I'm never all that rational at night.

but. thanks to all who cared.. weiling, jeremy, wilson, an ren, serene, hannah, xuan, shyama, chris, rebecca, kayan, ian, vernon, joel even my brother, and mr/miss anonymous. and I know there're more people than my sleep-murky brain remembers. Considering that during those 24 hours I slept and napped and stuff, the average rate of people who came forth was like, more than 1/hr? I know I shldn't be playing with numbers, but I'm really touched. that. people care about me.

I ought to explain. Home, or the Christian Home of Love [full name], is a Home in Chiang Mai for street children. That place means a lot to me [as you can doubtless tell]. If you really require more details, look at my archives dec2005 posts after christmas. It's urmm very emotional though.
I had planned to spend time there from the 12th to the 29th of december. However, because of certain clashes [how easy it sounds when written like this. Certain Clashes.] it seemed that the earliest I could go would be december 2007. and that, is a horrible thought.
At present, I'm trying to make time from the 6th to the 15th. These are the bald facts. I shall strive to stay uneomotional. and even if anything happens, you won't know because I won't tell.

in God i trust.

Love,
Rachel

leave me alone

for awhile, at least.

24 hours since

I can't take it anymore I can't I can't. please dear God let me go back Home please please. Please I Need to go back I can't function I couldn't function today I wore black because there was no other colour to wear. She asked me on msn if I was okay oh if a mere aquaintance notices it

please let me go back Home please. oh please. Father please let me go back. I've been taking it for granted that I'd go back
please let me go back.
please.
please.

When I'm left alone there's a pressing weight and that's all I'm aware of. When I'm with people who know what's going on I'm myself- depressed and quiet. because talking requires more energy than I can take to give. When I'm with people who have no idea what's going on it depends.

I'm alone now. I feel like a fool typing all this out it's like a repeat of december last year but what else can I do than to try and let it out? It's better than staring blankly at the screen isn't it. It's better than
looking again and again at tiger airways because I can't go.

I might be able to, just might, but


I can't take it I need to know that I
can go

wols

And is it possible? That suddenly I miss the wols group so much.

I guess all groups form an identity over time... a lump of tea became the umpies, and a random conversation over dinner at glen's place during chinese new year led to the naming of wols... for which reason I cannot for the life of me remember.

Just a photo that's part of the college that now sit as my desktop background hits me. It's one of the many we took at yicong's house.. I think.we went over there because his parents were celebrating their wedding anniversary. Yes, very hneh I know. But we were there anyway.
Remember the pillow fight we had? And how the guys tried to drag sarah and I to the weighting scale? We all fought like crazy... much to the bemusement of gwen who later tragically remarked that she had voluntarily gone to the machine.

A perfectly arched eyebrow.

It's a photo where the girls are sitted on the sofa and the boys are arranged on the floor. Everyone's squashing each other, trying to cover the other's face... and everyone looks so happy. So together.
Where have these days gone?

Sarah's left for leeds, gwen's busy whenever I ask her out and michelle & joyce left a long time ago anyway. sean's got his As; ther rest of the guys still go out regularly i know.
But it isn't the same without all of us.

What happened to the days of yicong & sarah, gwen & glen, cedric & I, and [the occasional] sean & michelle?

hah. A part of me can't believ I'm even talking about our bunch this way. I used to get so snooty whenever we went out.. the guys were so noisy, and their jokes so loud and brash and dumb that we got kicked out of almost everywhere we went to.
But now, looking at that photo, all I remember are our bridge sessions, world cup outings, birthday suprise plannings, that taboo game, and general talking about- what? I don't remember, don't recall. But it sure was fun, that I know.

Will we ever go back? Like I said, it isn't the same without the 6, 7 of us. Teasing and laughing at each other. Hanging out in town.

I don't hang out in town anymore.

Now. As I sit back and think. am I still the same from who I am before nus started? I think I have forgotten myself; done the whole leave-my-Self-thinking-it's-fine-but-she-changes-anyway.
Who am I from the wols day, and who am I now?
I've been opening up so much, so much from what I used to be.
Why didn't I keep it in?
Being friendly and nice is tiring.

But I've done so much, it's impossible to suddenly withdraw.

Even this blog. As hard as I've tried to keep it away from nus, from eusoff, to maintain it as part of my life from Back Then...
` Why do I feel so resigned all of a sudden?
` I need time out.


Just a month or so more... then I'll leave for chiangmai.
` Back Home.
` I can't wait.


I'm sorry if this is an arbupt, inconclusive ending.. I don't know myself. I'd tell you if
I did.