not a single you

Of flyaway emotions, of abstract concepts and. pachelbel's canon in D major on repeat. have I mentioned how much I love music.

of confusion, and of murk.- no, I never did mention that I love music.

of a vague sadness, of a wondering about change.

the desire to think in solitude.

please don't. I have realised I need stability in my life. status quo. something stable to hold on to, knowing that won't turn topdownbottomup.



it's okay to have one liners when it's needed. all that's required is an analysis why they're there.


please don't ask more of me than I can give. this, is for Everyone.

think



think




think




and then I remember that I am going to chiang mai after all, in a glorious adventure that's a secret for me to hug. an almost totally mine secret. [well I'd tell if asked. :)]



of questions, of quaint assurances.

why. why do I desire to be alone so much. When I have so many people who love me. What is wrong with me. don't I know how to appreciate what I have.
oh, but I do. I do.
What is wrong with me. Why can I burst into laughter so easily, and yet push people away. How can such contradictions exist within one person. whydoidesiretobealonesomuchwhenihavesomanypeoplewholoveme why do I crave solitude. when I laugh.

and so I write on, hoping that I'll reach the breaking point soon, where my finger touches exactly at what's getting at me and it goes away. Like a a cramp that builds up and screams me awake, and my sleep-drugged fingers probe till the muscle is found. and. then. it climaxes and the almost body shuddering relief floods the body so that you think maybe cramps are pretty worth it after all after all after all.

perhaps I have.

and it strikes me that I used to call it muse. My muse.