in limbo

i don't know, i felt like changing the template. acts of impulse make for an interesting world. (:

in the spirit of spontaneity then, i proceed to make a few observations on Things That Have Been Changing Recently:

1. i am rarely on msn these days.
2. the thought of shopping is no longer accompanied by chimebells and floating flowers in the wind. (why? :/)
3. me.

so anyway, i came here to type a bit. i suppose it quietens me down somewhat. not that anyone senses it, because my restlessness is the inward sort; i am discomfortingly tranquil outside.

i borrowed six books on tuesday, and by night had finished 3. i have since finished the rest. i went to the cage last night, and remember it was green. i don't fall asleep much anymore, i have wrecked my body clock. i lie in bed and pretend to dream. my room's door is closed and there's tv playing outside.

but it's not all bad. one merely waits for time to kill itself, like a storm blowing out and going meekly home. energy in the meantime runs low; i need to learn to haul. heave and haul lesson 2; my previous mechanisms should be trashed. i need new ones.

i shall rouse myself in awhile more, in the meantime i nestle lower in my beanbag for the rest my body needs. and place the keyboard on my lap and type. i have no idea how to perform perfunctionarily for the evening function tonight; perhaps i shall- my mind's a blank. no worries; there's always chocolate like a medical drug. or i can always ungo. stash my chole dress and japanese four inch heels determinedly away in the dr. dolittle bag and pretend the world consists of only trees. not too difficult actually. watch the people walk me by because i've turned on the invisibility veneer.

~

am hungry again; i get hungry at the oddest times, like in bed knowing it's 2am when my stomach starts panging. i leave the darkness of my room to the fridge, eat fruits and throw the seeds out of the window. hopefully next year there will be four baby durian trees on the soil below my block. sometimes i eat cheese and do a little inward jitty. i like cheese. last night i wanted horfan gravy.

can you believe i signed in intending to write about submission? haha. i did, actually. last night during ag we covered colossians 3:18-4:1, which generated a good discussion albeit at the theoratical level. but you can't expect much when no one's actually married. all good.
we also talked about flaws; i read somewhere (i do know where) that we love the other hoping s/he is all that we are not, and not what we know we are. but how can that work? it cannot ever work. because of who we are, who i am, who you are.

so many times even who i am, who you are isn't enough because we're layers. we're uneven layers and blocks and glitter and scar tissue that's thick and fused uglily. how do you spell uglily?i have a feeling i spelt it wrong :) but mm yeah, loving not just past the layers, but loving even the layers. kind of like christine daae in leroux's novel.

we can always face it. i shall brave the evening. hoorah.