to be, or not to be

since i've been back, looking at photos of mountains hasn't been the same. they make pretty pictures to someone who's never seen them, but now that i have, it feels like a blessing and a curse sometimes. but i choose, blessing.

suddenly a memory coloured itself. gayle and i on the bus, on the way to dinner. talking, about my return from new zealand, and her upcoming trip to canada. at one point, she exclaimed with the animation and vigour that is so typically her, that:

rachel i know why you're like that, it's because you throw yourself so wholeheartedly into everything, and don't keep anything back for yourself, it's like you knew you were only going to new zealand for six months but you threw yourself into it, gave your whole heart, so that when you left, you left your whole heart there. rachellllll.

i'm still figuring out the balance between giving, and keeping, and giving everything yet keeping what should be kept. i know it sounds contradictory but i am convinced it isn't, i have a hunch there's a way to give all of myself, while keeping my heart safe. hard knocks, sometimes, but then they're just knocks, not like i've lost the path or anything. i haven't. God keeps my feet.

other things i'm still learning to understand: thinking and feeling, when to be thinking, when to be feeling. when to care, and when to let go- although i'm not quite there yet. right now it's still when to care, and when to block/deny/avoid.

i'm a matter of whens.