Today was pretty good, all things considering. I did go to church and that by itself was a blessing enough. Then al jem and I sat together- we even went up together and for awhile it was like old times again, when things were marvellous between the three of us. Hopefully one day it'll be like that again. The incredible closeness and delightful laughter that defined us. Everytime I think of such ideal relationships my so-called adult self tells me it isn't possible and shows me all the obstacles and hinderances that will prevent us from living the simple happy umpie way again. How al has a boyfriend now, how I quite possibly will eventually go to gardens but jem will remain in bishan. It takes a conscious effort to push that cynical part of me away and remind myself that I believe things are possible and that a better way can come again. I will continue to believe that. Otherwise there isn't much to look forward to but the even shakier thought that better things might come as time passes when I have no clue what it might be. Like how when jan sends what he terms as 'those messages' and it always ends with me feeling like I've failed him. That's a really sucky thought, you know, the idea that I did wrong by a person. And it's even more confusing in a pathetic way when I consider how I think so much of him. It's like, he's right up there on my good people list yet of right now the conclusion is I hurt him somehow. So he's leaving soon to go back to the uk and it seems like we're going to end on this note, that all our happy outings have been negated and he's leaving and I'm left fingering through crumbles of what we did together for more than a year now.
And now sigh I've almost reached the project meeting place. Don't want to. well. Hopefully ikea later will be a therapy of sorts.
2 comments:
the whole splitting thing doesn't mean we can't meet up just cos we technically aren't in the same church anymore what =)
you know what i meant
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