According to the clock on the computer time now it's 0123hrs and despite needing sleep quite badly I'm still awake begging my body to do the same because I have two things to do before going to bed. Or maybe I'm not begging because it's one of the rare nights when my will is fully in control. My stubborn side, if that's what you want to call it.

The seventh week ends tomorrow- in spite of it being wednesday- and I would like as thorough a break as possible. May all evidence of every single thing I've done be removed such that it'll look like nothing ever existed. For in truth I fear I bring naught but bother to people.

I've found out that I ought to be avoided because I know nothing but to take. All things considering, I think the origin at my upbringing because my father and mother have taken every available step to ensure I want for nothing. My mother blithely tells me that guys exist to take care of her princess. I'm saying this with all detachment at this hour because I say in truth- what I know to be anyhow. Do not for one moment think of judging my parents or I will think you with contempt.

The only significance this point has right now at 0137hrs is that I think people should consequently avoid me. It's for their own good. I'm told I'm willful and petulant. Who on earth would want to be with someone who is demanding and careless.

The five weeks in the philippines has served to show how impossible I am at anything. I'm inefficient, scatter-brained, easily distracted, unfocused, talent-less and hopelessly dependent. I suppose I live in a bubble of my own. A shiny pretty happy bubble but a bubble nonetheless. And like most shiny pretty happy bubbles it's a delicate one that needs constant care if it is to remain a reality. And if it bursts it returns to nothing more than a composition of water and chemicals that soon evaporate- meaning, non-existent and nothing is left behind to show that I was ever there.

Again, please do not misunderstand me. I am not berating myself. I merely state what I believe to be facts. I am neither depressed nor upset. I am evaluating myself. How I choose to feel about this will not, I think, happen tonight. It will also be interesting to come back to this particular post after some time and read it with a logical mind. I am lucid tonight, only that it is the clarity that the faerie have- or the drunks.
But I have not touched the drink for months now.

So anyway. I suppose I should start my process of leaving.