I wish I still had the energy to write out long entries, spending time thinking about which word to fit into the sentence, savouring the taste and sound of the final product, hoping that it gets translated to you the way I want it to.
I'm tired. I've been tired since eight o'clock. It's eleven now but I'm still refusing to sleep. I don't know why. I think there was a good reason for it just now.. I don't remember it now though. But I'm sure it must have been a good reason. Rebellion or something maybe. hah.
I think about teaching all the time.. From the time I wake up at 5.30 in the morning to get ready for it.. even after school's done I analyse everything, look back, reflect.. I talked in my sleep while napping in the clubhouse the other day. Vernon told me that when we both woke up. The funny thing is, I actually heard myself and I know the context. Firdaus [one of my little boys] was asking me a question. I hoped I replied in the context and nothing embarrassing.
Teaching's all I think of. I don't know why either. It isn't like I want to or it brings me joy. Far from it. I'm frustrated, worried, upset.
Parents think I'm lousy.
I guess you could say I'm disheartened, discouraged... along those lines. I don't care whether they like me or not.. it's just that they think I'm slipshod in what I do. I do put in effort the best way I know how. I cannot find the energy to be anything else. Still it backfires. Yeah I agree there definitely is basis on what they're saying. I do mess up, make mistakes... It's just that no one gives me a break. The ones who matter anyway. The parents, the hod [who probably thinks I'm just in it for the money and therefore cannot be bothered.. which hurts.
Like I said earlier.. I started out thinking I could be the one who went against conventions, to give my students the independence no one else has before... I wanted to be the different one who made it right. but it just keeps getting wrong.
What is it?
What am I doing wrong? Why is it nothing seems to go as planned? Am I harming my kids? Or is it me that's just lousy? That I don't know children. Is that it?
What?
I just want the best for my kids. It doesn't matter who teaches them anymore... As long as they understand. And if I'm not the one then I'd rather leave. But who will take over? Can I trust that person?
There are so many conflicting emotions and I'm definitely not thinking anymore. Just blaring out whatever new emotions I have. Day after day something new happens and I fall down.
Look at her. The girl with scarred eyes. She can't see the road, nor what's been strewn on it. Sticks, stones, brickbats. The rough concrete path provides no clues. The trees close around you and nothing is what it seems. Sometimes a traveller might get lost because everything closes like a system of chinese boxes. There is no sound. Although if there were, it would be that of the swishy skirts of women.. whispering because they are lost and cannot get out. There is a path for the girl though. But she keeps falling down. Because she cannot see the road, nor what's been strewn on it.
She keeps falling down.
5 comments:
girl. you gotta relax. remember what i said. no one starts out as the perfect teacher. sure you'll get discouraging and disheartening remarks but hey! take these so-called criticisms with a pinch of salt. they are what help you to improve yourself. you'll be able to teach better by getting all these feedback. now you know where you're going wrong, so work on it yeah? and hey, we're all here supporting you and praying for you, yeah? relax girl. we all love you! =)
heyy. call me to get anything off your chest k. i'm a good listener. hehheh =P i miss you!
Just so you know, your blog was one of the first "teacher blogs" that I added to my own blog when I started blogging about being a teacher. You opened my eyes to the fact that I need support in this. When I see your blog it makes me feel like I am not crazy in thinking the things that I think, not crazy for feeling the things that I feel, and not crazy for being as frustrated as I get sometimes. Reading your blog makes me feel normal. So believe it or not but the pains that you go through do help someone, even if it isn't your students.
Thanks!! =)
oh my gosh I visited your blog hahahaha everything's so similar! yeah I'm like completely in no state to laugh now I spent ELEVEN hours in school today- three of which were spent Marking Horrendous Work and even then I didn't manage to finish. Can you imagine doing nothing but marking for THREE hours straight?? But hey erica we aren't alone! Lotus knows it too! and she's in like the other half of the world! STUDENTS ARE THE SAME EVERYWHERE! that's like, confirmation.
It's little things like these that keep me going. sigh. already not looking forward to monday.
But teachers unite! We Will conquer them all!! Heads UP!
Rach i can see it was a so called bad week. But hey bad weeks never last. At the very least you know that this is a temporary job in that sense. I suppose it's time to bury the ideals and work with reality for you. I really sympathize, but don't let this bunch of kids and their parents dampen your desire to teach in future. Remember these are primary school children, they don't know better. And for that matter their parents if they are the only child, are also in the early stages of parenting...hahahaha, have yet to refine their tactics. Maybe they are just being over protective and demanding.
Crticisms do come. Learn to take them graciously. I know i get pissed too when other teachers give me that LOOK cos i'm just a blur and naive relief teacher (esp when i spoil ALL the photocopy machines, all 4 of them) But it's a learning journey.
Don't worry too much, just live one day at a time. I'm like you too, i brood about teaching day in day out and i dream about it too, trying to reflect and flashback and see what i can improve on and where i went wrong. This past week a certain activity for a class turned out just terrible, but i refined it for the next class and it got better. I didnt' let myself dwell on the terrible bit, i moved on. So you have to constantly pick yourself up and go and do what you have to!
I empathize with you about marking. I just finished 24 1400word essays, but i suppose i enjoyed marking them, haha.
And to lotus whoever you are: hello fellow teacher! I'm teaching geog to 16 year olds who are in Ip and are too smart for their own good, and i see you're teaching english from you blog? (:
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