Yup, you read it right. Today was my last day in Fuchun Primary. A new beginning for me tomorrow in Bt Panjang Govt. High. Bombshell? Maybe. Or not so maybe.
Some of my little girls cried…. I mean. To me, it was affirmation. That in the midst of all my earnest attempts, I must have done something right.
I’ve learnt a lot in the past six weeks. Some of my [wiser] friends said at the beginning that I would love them, and I scoffed. But they were right. I have learnt to love my children. Their problems became my problems, their weaknesses my obsessions. I have also somewhat learnt the language of the child. (:
I’ve learnt humbleness, to be able to let go of my ideals and replace them with more grounded- and firm- theories. I have learnt the fine line between disciplining and punishing, learnt to balance their academic needs with their hunger for attention. Most of all, I’ve learnt to think of them more than I do myself.
I wonder how I’ll use these lessons in bpgh. They seem worlds apart, but if there’s one thing I’ve learnt from this stint is that nothing is impossible. I’m also really afraid I’ll discover that I’ve grown into an Auntie. hahaha.
Oh by the way, results are out tomorrow. The yd girls [youth discipleship class] met up just now in church to pray. I’m really glad that we’ve grown so close over the years; just recently especially. So that now, we choose to spend our time with each other with the Lord. (:
I believe that this is the time for me to put into practice what I profess with my mouth. That I trust God with my life, with Everything… and the As are [or were] part of my life and so yeah. I Will trust Him who is sovereign. I mean, if I can’t trust God, who else do I have left? Nothing.
So tomorrow, will be a test of trust. And God will be with me through it all. I’ll just be focusing on Him. (:
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Monday, February 20, 2006
Thought I'd write an entry tonight while waiting for my hair to dry. So it ought to be a shorter post than usual. -dry laugh- to all out there who grouse I write too much. ay, what to do with an [almost] stereotypical arts student. Writes and talks a lot. heh.
Anyhow, today ought to have been a pretty good day by the usual standards... The kids were pretty well-behaved, we had fun during arts and craft... Sounds good right? It was fun setting the topic: Drawing of my teacher. Posing in a thousand silly ways to hear the children laugh. haha. They kept telling me to stand still so they could draw. And being suprised over and over again by the their creativity in plasticine [which I have displayed on the top of the whiteboard.] Yay to the kids.
Too bad it was spoilt by the parents. Boo to them. And so the standards have been raised. [not by me.]
Too well they know that I'm an untrained, inexperienced relief teacher. My errors are "glaring", to quote a certain mr goggle eyes whose-real-name-shall-not-be-revealed. More than one parent has come down personally to make sure their precious child has his worksheet or whatever book. It's my fault that spellings are backlogged, books aren't around. The last sentence, had NOTHING to do with me- for which reason I feel unjustly picked upon. The spelling list was printed late By The School. Like, it came to the students in week 3 instead of week 1. So when I came in, EVERY teacher in the level was giving spelling twice a week until the gap in the weeks was closed after which we resumed the normal once a week spelling. And parents had the audacity to call the VP to accuse me of changing dates whenever I felt like it! This is grossly unfair. The SCHOOL had printed the list late even BEFORE I came in! But it's still my fault. How convenient. Just WHAT motive would I have to swop dates whenever I feel like it? Because I'm lazy and incompetent? That's what you think anyway. Calling me to clarify doesn't work. You have to call the principal and the vice-principal. What, would I have lied if you'd TRIED calling me first? According to you, maybe. I seem to be capable of anything to you guys.
Yes I make mistakes- I've made quite a few in fact. but I do learn from them. I can tell the difference between a bad that I made and something else. I admit to times I've slipped up. You guys just aren't giving me a chance. Listen. Your wonderbabe will survive the [to you] Horrifying Primary TWO Year.
I now know what teachers need. Especially teachers in singapore. Encouragement. Was reading blogs from teachers in the Domminique Republic, in Canada... No one has mentioned such problems. Parents have such power to make or break.
Today's monday. I wonder what the rest of the week will be like.
Short entry over. hur.
Anyhow, today ought to have been a pretty good day by the usual standards... The kids were pretty well-behaved, we had fun during arts and craft... Sounds good right? It was fun setting the topic: Drawing of my teacher. Posing in a thousand silly ways to hear the children laugh. haha. They kept telling me to stand still so they could draw. And being suprised over and over again by the their creativity in plasticine [which I have displayed on the top of the whiteboard.] Yay to the kids.
Too bad it was spoilt by the parents. Boo to them. And so the standards have been raised. [not by me.]
Too well they know that I'm an untrained, inexperienced relief teacher. My errors are "glaring", to quote a certain mr goggle eyes whose-real-name-shall-not-be-revealed. More than one parent has come down personally to make sure their precious child has his worksheet or whatever book. It's my fault that spellings are backlogged, books aren't around. The last sentence, had NOTHING to do with me- for which reason I feel unjustly picked upon. The spelling list was printed late By The School. Like, it came to the students in week 3 instead of week 1. So when I came in, EVERY teacher in the level was giving spelling twice a week until the gap in the weeks was closed after which we resumed the normal once a week spelling. And parents had the audacity to call the VP to accuse me of changing dates whenever I felt like it! This is grossly unfair. The SCHOOL had printed the list late even BEFORE I came in! But it's still my fault. How convenient. Just WHAT motive would I have to swop dates whenever I feel like it? Because I'm lazy and incompetent? That's what you think anyway. Calling me to clarify doesn't work. You have to call the principal and the vice-principal. What, would I have lied if you'd TRIED calling me first? According to you, maybe. I seem to be capable of anything to you guys.
Yes I make mistakes- I've made quite a few in fact. but I do learn from them. I can tell the difference between a bad that I made and something else. I admit to times I've slipped up. You guys just aren't giving me a chance. Listen. Your wonderbabe will survive the [to you] Horrifying Primary TWO Year.
I now know what teachers need. Especially teachers in singapore. Encouragement. Was reading blogs from teachers in the Domminique Republic, in Canada... No one has mentioned such problems. Parents have such power to make or break.
Today's monday. I wonder what the rest of the week will be like.
Short entry over. hur.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Thursday, February 16, 2006
I wish I still had the energy to write out long entries, spending time thinking about which word to fit into the sentence, savouring the taste and sound of the final product, hoping that it gets translated to you the way I want it to.
I'm tired. I've been tired since eight o'clock. It's eleven now but I'm still refusing to sleep. I don't know why. I think there was a good reason for it just now.. I don't remember it now though. But I'm sure it must have been a good reason. Rebellion or something maybe. hah.
I think about teaching all the time.. From the time I wake up at 5.30 in the morning to get ready for it.. even after school's done I analyse everything, look back, reflect.. I talked in my sleep while napping in the clubhouse the other day. Vernon told me that when we both woke up. The funny thing is, I actually heard myself and I know the context. Firdaus [one of my little boys] was asking me a question. I hoped I replied in the context and nothing embarrassing.
Teaching's all I think of. I don't know why either. It isn't like I want to or it brings me joy. Far from it. I'm frustrated, worried, upset.
Parents think I'm lousy.
I guess you could say I'm disheartened, discouraged... along those lines. I don't care whether they like me or not.. it's just that they think I'm slipshod in what I do. I do put in effort the best way I know how. I cannot find the energy to be anything else. Still it backfires. Yeah I agree there definitely is basis on what they're saying. I do mess up, make mistakes... It's just that no one gives me a break. The ones who matter anyway. The parents, the hod [who probably thinks I'm just in it for the money and therefore cannot be bothered.. which hurts.
Like I said earlier.. I started out thinking I could be the one who went against conventions, to give my students the independence no one else has before... I wanted to be the different one who made it right. but it just keeps getting wrong.
What is it?
What am I doing wrong? Why is it nothing seems to go as planned? Am I harming my kids? Or is it me that's just lousy? That I don't know children. Is that it?
What?
I just want the best for my kids. It doesn't matter who teaches them anymore... As long as they understand. And if I'm not the one then I'd rather leave. But who will take over? Can I trust that person?
There are so many conflicting emotions and I'm definitely not thinking anymore. Just blaring out whatever new emotions I have. Day after day something new happens and I fall down.
Look at her. The girl with scarred eyes. She can't see the road, nor what's been strewn on it. Sticks, stones, brickbats. The rough concrete path provides no clues. The trees close around you and nothing is what it seems. Sometimes a traveller might get lost because everything closes like a system of chinese boxes. There is no sound. Although if there were, it would be that of the swishy skirts of women.. whispering because they are lost and cannot get out. There is a path for the girl though. But she keeps falling down. Because she cannot see the road, nor what's been strewn on it.
She keeps falling down.
I'm tired. I've been tired since eight o'clock. It's eleven now but I'm still refusing to sleep. I don't know why. I think there was a good reason for it just now.. I don't remember it now though. But I'm sure it must have been a good reason. Rebellion or something maybe. hah.
I think about teaching all the time.. From the time I wake up at 5.30 in the morning to get ready for it.. even after school's done I analyse everything, look back, reflect.. I talked in my sleep while napping in the clubhouse the other day. Vernon told me that when we both woke up. The funny thing is, I actually heard myself and I know the context. Firdaus [one of my little boys] was asking me a question. I hoped I replied in the context and nothing embarrassing.
Teaching's all I think of. I don't know why either. It isn't like I want to or it brings me joy. Far from it. I'm frustrated, worried, upset.
Parents think I'm lousy.
I guess you could say I'm disheartened, discouraged... along those lines. I don't care whether they like me or not.. it's just that they think I'm slipshod in what I do. I do put in effort the best way I know how. I cannot find the energy to be anything else. Still it backfires. Yeah I agree there definitely is basis on what they're saying. I do mess up, make mistakes... It's just that no one gives me a break. The ones who matter anyway. The parents, the hod [who probably thinks I'm just in it for the money and therefore cannot be bothered.. which hurts.
Like I said earlier.. I started out thinking I could be the one who went against conventions, to give my students the independence no one else has before... I wanted to be the different one who made it right. but it just keeps getting wrong.
What is it?
What am I doing wrong? Why is it nothing seems to go as planned? Am I harming my kids? Or is it me that's just lousy? That I don't know children. Is that it?
What?
I just want the best for my kids. It doesn't matter who teaches them anymore... As long as they understand. And if I'm not the one then I'd rather leave. But who will take over? Can I trust that person?
There are so many conflicting emotions and I'm definitely not thinking anymore. Just blaring out whatever new emotions I have. Day after day something new happens and I fall down.
Look at her. The girl with scarred eyes. She can't see the road, nor what's been strewn on it. Sticks, stones, brickbats. The rough concrete path provides no clues. The trees close around you and nothing is what it seems. Sometimes a traveller might get lost because everything closes like a system of chinese boxes. There is no sound. Although if there were, it would be that of the swishy skirts of women.. whispering because they are lost and cannot get out. There is a path for the girl though. But she keeps falling down. Because she cannot see the road, nor what's been strewn on it.
She keeps falling down.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
hello. I survived. as in.. I survived a fever, a throat infection, cough and everything else. Got over them in a couple of days. all thanks to God. no other reason.
I don't know what to say.. or how to express what I mean.
i lost my chiang mai rubber band says:
it's like
i lost my chiang mai rubber band says:
i spend day in and out trying to get their attention. it's so hard. i want to teach but they won't listen. it's discouraging, and the fact that i'm a chrisitian teacher makes it no less easier.
i have to remember that i model christ's love, and it's something i struggle with everyday.
how can i teach faithfully when i cannot get them to listen to me?
i lost my chiang mai rubber band says:
i don't know how to handle young children en masse
i lost my chiang mai rubber band says:
i don't like punishments
i think they're stupid
and that's another thing
i lost my chiang mai rubber band says:
there's a personality clash between the job requirement and who i am. they're at the habit forming age, where i have to consistently remind them of certain routines. but i don't like routine. and that makes it worse, because that is what they are supposed to develop now
like signing of forms, queuing up to go everywhere, handling their social problems when they squabble and complain to me 24.7...
where is teaching in all this? how am i supposed to do anything?
i lost my chiang mai rubber band says:
i just want to go to a secondary school
where they're older and can read and write
iwhere i can convince them of the importance of studying
where i can be a friend, mentor or whatever to them
i lost my chiang mai rubber band says:
yet i feel God has something for me to learn in this primary school. and that it will be only after i learn it, that He'll let me go
i lost my chiang mai rubber band says:
but i don't know what it is!
kind of in a limbo. uneasy.. yes i do feel that to a certain extent
i lost my chiang mai rubber band says:
i need to know if i can work with adolescents. i was a camp instructor for awhile.. and it was great.
Vince says:
but i guess a camp is different..
Vince says:
they have certain amount of choice or at least its not studying
the umpire lives again says:
yeah i know. that's why i need to work in a school
Vince says:
wat do u think God is trying to teach u that u havent learnt
Vince says:
(sorry it sounds odd.. cos u wouldnt noe would u)
the umpire lives again says:
narh.. these words come to mind. patience? love? perseverence? not-to-murder-skills?
Vince says:
lol... ok.. they're that ruffian-nic eh?
the umpire lives again says:
it's like. i don't really look foward to school anymore at all..
Vince says:
well perhaps u can just start looking out for a secondary school nearby.
the umpire lives again says:
ruffians?
the umpire lives again says:
i have little ah bengs, gangsters, hooligians... everything!
Vince says:
maybe this is the lesson... that Sometimes u have to move on?
the umpire lives again says:
eh?
the umpire lives again says:
how would that be?
Vince says:
as in if u're feeling sad doing what u're doing and u've tried many , if not all things and ur heart is not at ease.. perhaps primary school teaching isnt ur calling for now..
the umpire lives again says:
it isn't =(
the umpire lives again says:
i'm just
the umpire lives again says:
i don't know how to- to explain what i feel inside
I don't know what to say.. or how to express what I mean.
i lost my chiang mai rubber band says:
it's like
i lost my chiang mai rubber band says:
i spend day in and out trying to get their attention. it's so hard. i want to teach but they won't listen. it's discouraging, and the fact that i'm a chrisitian teacher makes it no less easier.
i have to remember that i model christ's love, and it's something i struggle with everyday.
how can i teach faithfully when i cannot get them to listen to me?
i lost my chiang mai rubber band says:
i don't know how to handle young children en masse
i lost my chiang mai rubber band says:
i don't like punishments
i think they're stupid
and that's another thing
i lost my chiang mai rubber band says:
there's a personality clash between the job requirement and who i am. they're at the habit forming age, where i have to consistently remind them of certain routines. but i don't like routine. and that makes it worse, because that is what they are supposed to develop now
like signing of forms, queuing up to go everywhere, handling their social problems when they squabble and complain to me 24.7...
where is teaching in all this? how am i supposed to do anything?
i lost my chiang mai rubber band says:
i just want to go to a secondary school
where they're older and can read and write
iwhere i can convince them of the importance of studying
where i can be a friend, mentor or whatever to them
i lost my chiang mai rubber band says:
yet i feel God has something for me to learn in this primary school. and that it will be only after i learn it, that He'll let me go
i lost my chiang mai rubber band says:
but i don't know what it is!
kind of in a limbo. uneasy.. yes i do feel that to a certain extent
i lost my chiang mai rubber band says:
i need to know if i can work with adolescents. i was a camp instructor for awhile.. and it was great.
Vince says:
but i guess a camp is different..
Vince says:
they have certain amount of choice or at least its not studying
the umpire lives again says:
yeah i know. that's why i need to work in a school
Vince says:
wat do u think God is trying to teach u that u havent learnt
Vince says:
(sorry it sounds odd.. cos u wouldnt noe would u)
the umpire lives again says:
narh.. these words come to mind. patience? love? perseverence? not-to-murder-skills?
Vince says:
lol... ok.. they're that ruffian-nic eh?
the umpire lives again says:
it's like. i don't really look foward to school anymore at all..
Vince says:
well perhaps u can just start looking out for a secondary school nearby.
the umpire lives again says:
ruffians?
the umpire lives again says:
i have little ah bengs, gangsters, hooligians... everything!
Vince says:
maybe this is the lesson... that Sometimes u have to move on?
the umpire lives again says:
eh?
the umpire lives again says:
how would that be?
Vince says:
as in if u're feeling sad doing what u're doing and u've tried many , if not all things and ur heart is not at ease.. perhaps primary school teaching isnt ur calling for now..
the umpire lives again says:
it isn't =(
the umpire lives again says:
i'm just
the umpire lives again says:
i don't know how to- to explain what i feel inside
Sunday, February 05, 2006
too tired to blog... i'm afraid i'm coming down with something. i hope it doesn't happen cz- whoever heard of a relief teacher taking leave. my Entire week is filled.. from 0530hrs to 0000hrs. None of them can be cancelled. really hoping this is a false alarm.. i absolutely cannot afford to fall ill.
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