Sorry... but I'm not up to thinking now and I hope you understand.
I know I should try. I Smiledid- but nothing comes except this sense of... murky muddy emotions that threaten to overwhelm me.
This feeling comes every few weeks or so and every time it does I struggle. Struggle to keep going, to pick myself up, to tell myself hey rachel,Smile you'll be fine, it's alright you aren't stupid. Okay I know I'm not stupid but it's immensely discouraging to put in effort during assignments and still not do well in them.
It's all about perseverance and determination, isn't it?
Sometimes though, it's too tiring to fight personal demons that harrass and not let go. Sometimes I wish I was numb. SMILE
If I were, then school- failures and all, wouldn't bother me. I could go throughSMILE the motions mechanically. Day in and out... my sense deadened and automatic... *shrug`. I oculd even do like, what, 10 essays a week and not feel drained. And I wouldn't even mind my results. Is that why so many people drink? To anasthise themselves? If only it worked for me. Too bad. All that happens when I drink is the sprouting of nonsense. No forgetting any pain. hah.
I don't know why I can't cry. The burning anguish of unshed tears lies in my heart and it's as painful as the problems themselvesmiles.
Even the sound of your voice jolts me...
When you speak, it burns. Please don't speak. Please don't. SMILE
At the same time, I don't know what to do with you. He might think I'm the most domineering person he's ever met, someone with absolutely no heart, no feelings but I'm not like that.
Forget it. Maybe I Can finsmiled somewhere in myself not to bother anymore.
Tell myself I don't, so I won't. Why bother thinking so much? No one's going to love you any more for that rachel. Yeah you there sitting on your comfy chair, if you have so much to say, if you think all this is wrong, say something.
Well. You know what? This is one of the angsty writes I said I wouldn't dSMILEo. ohwell.
I don't care.
I seem to have lost the love for my subjects. You know. When I first came into pjc I was so happy. I loved what I was taking. hist lit econs math... Loved the school, loved coming and everyday was a smiley day.
Somewhere along the way I've lost it. It's drudgery now and... there's no more feeling to it. It's an endless cycle of fail fail fail. failed subjects, failed friendships... I don't hate coming to school but now and then I wonder why I'm doing it. smile
I can't Not do it. There's no way out... I'm not a quitter.
I guess when I work, I need affirmation. Praise, esmilencouragement, and hope. [I really don't understand how you can think I'm a dictator.]
Erica said that she treasures her student-teacher relationships... I've always had a love-fear one with them. Maybe it came from my primary schools... both were sap which meant I had to bow when teachers walked by, greet them... respect's the word. I hold teachers in awe; it's hard for me to see them as human. Girl, I'm jealous of what you have. I don'SMILEt think I've ever had that.
I'm feeling alone now. Yeah I know I have God with me but it doesn't mean I'm invinsible. For what it's worth I'm more vulnerable.
I say I dosmilen't care but I do.
I'm going to put this in white so that no one will see it. I don't need your pity.smile
I think I know why I will care. I've seen people who cut themselves from the world and it's worse than caring, if such a thing is possible. I'd rather care and hurt than kill what's in me...
When I grow up, I'll teach p.e. I'll smile and laugh and enjoy my body. After some time, when I've saved enough, I want to backpack around the world. Hopefully with my husband. That's if I'm married.[ Sometimes it seems impossible.] Then, when I'SMILEm in my-I don't know, later 40s? I'll come back. oh btw. If any children had appeared along the way, they'll be with the grandparents. (: ideally. smile
When I grow up I'll smile and laugh and enjoy my body. I'll teach p.e. After some time, I'll travel around the world with the man I love.
For now, I'll brood less, smile more, loveSMILE! most.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Saturday, April 23, 2005
the focus
I have so, SO many things I want to write about.. about the past week, how busy and crappy it's been.. exhausting trainings that leave me so drained I fall asleep the next day in class, how I'm slipping behind in class and how the house carnival is driving me CRAZY. I want to tell everything. [tim msged and asked if this week was better than the last. I don't know. can't remember last week... sometimes it's good to have a short term memory.] I also want to rant and rave about certain people, certain relationships I'm confused about and I'm wondering why school's the way it is.
But. I think it'll be more fulfilling to write about other things. (:
There was this time... a few weeks ago, I wrote. I spent hours writing and then when I tried to post it, everything got lost. Hours, you know? ohwell. "It's only words..."
I hear the piano playing now and it sounds wistful, lonesome. I love the violin, it's as human as instruments can go. When I hear the music soar I tremble all over- I'd like to think it's my soul struggling to get out and be the music. The saxaphone is.. sexy.
I heard the piano playing... it sounded wisful, lonesome.
________________________________________________________________
10th march.
Look through my eyes and see-
All the events that happened to me.
-
Children whose souls colour their clothes
An indian sky soaked with stars
The indian air twinkling with fireflies...
An indian shooting star.
Eagles, as common as ravens.
The vircarious tranquility of soaring in the drafts.
-
Hear what I heard
-
Children who die from falling off the roof while playing with their kites...
[Alternatively you can die by falling headlong into an open well.
Still playing your kite.
You choose. Life's a game where other people lose.]
Muslim voices raised in worship at 3 in the morning.
The groan of malaria.
Withcraft.
-
A dead, bloated body floating on the gange river. Entangled among debris...
No one bated an eyelid.
[ ]
Except singaporeans like us.. gwaking. "
____________________________________________________________
June 2003
"Black ink fills the otherwise empty spaces of the whiteness.
Surrounding the atmosphere are
Generalities.
Longing to break forth from the mundane, mediocre monotony-
Is there such a form?
Interpretations enter unbidden into my mind's eye, confusing and I'm losing my perspective
Of what I should be focusing on.
Nothing seems to come out the way I meant it to,
and generalities are still conveyed in the end."
____________________________________________________________
December 2001
'Homesick'
A baby's wail pierces the air
as I sit on a mud floor.
Waiting.
For home.
The setting sun beats across the walls.
Grimy.
I hear children playing below.
But they are not my playmates.
In an emotional zone.
Caught.
Between India the reality
And Home where my heart Is.
Something is not quite right.
But what is it?
Confusion threatens to engulf.
Then it strikes me.
I am not home.
Yet.
_______________________________________________________
mmm. That's about it. I still like these two even though they're pretty old. The rest... ohwell. Words come and words go.
I love writing. I'm in this zone where what I do and say is what I am without inhibitions. Yeah so what if my writings don't meet your standard? I guess it's a risk I took posting all my musings on the world wide web but. it's my two pennies' worth too. We all have to story to tell. Whether we do or not is another matter. I'm telling mine as I go along.
-pause-
bah. The knee's aching. It was the head last night. I'm no longer zen... write mode is over I think. Pity. Ohwell what to do what to do. Now to post this and find the knee guard.
Back to the real world for me.
But. I think it'll be more fulfilling to write about other things. (:
There was this time... a few weeks ago, I wrote. I spent hours writing and then when I tried to post it, everything got lost. Hours, you know? ohwell. "It's only words..."
I hear the piano playing now and it sounds wistful, lonesome. I love the violin, it's as human as instruments can go. When I hear the music soar I tremble all over- I'd like to think it's my soul struggling to get out and be the music. The saxaphone is.. sexy.
I heard the piano playing... it sounded wisful, lonesome.
________________________________________________________________
10th march.
Look through my eyes and see-
All the events that happened to me.
-
Children whose souls colour their clothes
An indian sky soaked with stars
The indian air twinkling with fireflies...
An indian shooting star.
Eagles, as common as ravens.
The vircarious tranquility of soaring in the drafts.
-
Hear what I heard
-
Children who die from falling off the roof while playing with their kites...
[Alternatively you can die by falling headlong into an open well.
Still playing your kite.
You choose. Life's a game where other people lose.]
Muslim voices raised in worship at 3 in the morning.
The groan of malaria.
Withcraft.
-
A dead, bloated body floating on the gange river. Entangled among debris...
No one bated an eyelid.
[ ]
Except singaporeans like us.. gwaking. "
____________________________________________________________
June 2003
"Black ink fills the otherwise empty spaces of the whiteness.
Surrounding the atmosphere are
Generalities.
Longing to break forth from the mundane, mediocre monotony-
Is there such a form?
Interpretations enter unbidden into my mind's eye, confusing and I'm losing my perspective
Of what I should be focusing on.
Nothing seems to come out the way I meant it to,
and generalities are still conveyed in the end."
____________________________________________________________
December 2001
'Homesick'
A baby's wail pierces the air
as I sit on a mud floor.
Waiting.
For home.
The setting sun beats across the walls.
Grimy.
I hear children playing below.
But they are not my playmates.
In an emotional zone.
Caught.
Between India the reality
And Home where my heart Is.
Something is not quite right.
But what is it?
Confusion threatens to engulf.
Then it strikes me.
I am not home.
Yet.
_______________________________________________________
mmm. That's about it. I still like these two even though they're pretty old. The rest... ohwell. Words come and words go.
I love writing. I'm in this zone where what I do and say is what I am without inhibitions. Yeah so what if my writings don't meet your standard? I guess it's a risk I took posting all my musings on the world wide web but. it's my two pennies' worth too. We all have to story to tell. Whether we do or not is another matter. I'm telling mine as I go along.
-pause-
bah. The knee's aching. It was the head last night. I'm no longer zen... write mode is over I think. Pity. Ohwell what to do what to do. Now to post this and find the knee guard.
Back to the real world for me.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
hey girl. I'm replying
Oh.. thanks for asking if I wanted to pray together..
I wanted to. It would be remiss if two Christians were together, and one prayed without inviting the other. After all, that's what friendship is about, isn't it? Sharing what's important to us. I know there's nothing quite as important as my morning talks with God.
but i don't dare to. I'm not a Christian anymore.. what gives me the right to call myself one? I'm confused.. lost.
My dear... no one gave you the right to call yourself a Christian. God's the one who decreed that "to all who believe Him, who receive in His name, He gave the right to be: the children of God". Why are you lost? You know where to find the answers.
I don't want religion. I'm not willing to commit the way I think I should if I'm serious about it. I'm never going to get used to attributing every achievement of mine to God, and not be able to say I DID IT without any help.
At what cost? Being "confused.. lost"? Is pretending to be self-sufficient worth the trade-off when, when you think about it, you don't know what's going on? Do you know why you don't know what's going on?
What is religion anyway? Is it a man-made concept to guide us through life, to make us feel like we have a purpose? Which faith is right? Why should any one faith be 'right'? ... What's with worshipping? My pride doesn't like it, calling myself insignificant beside Him, telling Him that He is so wonderful, and completely succumbing to His 'power', so that I am but a mere sevant. It takes amazing humility, and faith.. I don't have that.
So many questions you're asking. I'll try. I don't know everything, but I'll try. mmm. Firstly. As the watch proves the existence of a watch-maker, so the earth proves the existence of a Creator, and all that is within it. I mean, you're not going to see a watch and say Look, how curious! This watch suddenly appeared on my hand! You're going to see a watch and go, oh wow, I've always wanted a fossil watch.. and that basically acknowledges fossil as the brand-maker of that particular watch.
So let's start on that. That there is something out there who created at least the earth and all there is in it. Let's call that something, God.
Since there is a God, obviously His religion, whatever it is, would be the "right" one. Yes? Any arguments against that? Therefore we follow the "right" religion. Assuming we know what the "right" one is.
As to worshipping.. I don't claim to speak for everyone out there but for me, there are plenty of reasons to worship. You know how magnificent nature is? Nature in all its granduer and elusive tints that have yet to be named.. even animals. Cows can't have four stomachs by accident. grin.
When I think about the beauty of the earth and sky.. there's this need within me to submit myself to whoever was powerful enough to create all this.
I know what you mean about pride though. I once wrote in one of my journals that "I believe not because I do, but because I cannot afford not to." Evidence of this God is all around, even within us, how can anyone claim ignorance? I am afraid of this Being, I am indeed.
Actually maybe I have faith. For all that I say, I would still get defensive if anyone insults the Christian faith. And in my darkest moments of immense desperation, I turn to him. I pray for help, out of habit. But I really believe he can help me. In those moments, that is. But... some prayers go answered, some don't. It's all in the greater plan, right? Well how can I be sure it's His great plan and not.. just the way life is? Why must someone be in control of everything, absolutely everything? Is it because we need that someone to make us feel like life and the world can actually be controlled?
You know. Your questions.. remind me of what I read in 'The Chronicles of Naria'. I forgot which book. The main characters were caught by a wicked socercess [think satan] and she started questioning their faith, their very being. In that underground room where the only source of light was a lamp, she asked them gently where they were from.
They said, from up there.
Up where?, she asked.
There! Don't you know? Where the sun is...-
What sun? What is a sun?
You must know the sun! Everyone knows the sun! It emits light and warmth.. and is yellow!
I think you must mean this lamp. It emits light and warmth... and it's yellow.
But... the sun. It isn't this lamp. It can't be!
Why not? Whatever you said the sun was, the lamp is. Maybe you have been imagining the lamp as a sun.
[this is me narrating again]: That was the confusion. They faltered. What if the lady was right, and the sun was only the lamp? In the same way, what if there is no someone in control and we've been wrong all along?
Then, one of the main characters, making the effort to think, said:
"You may be right. There may be no sun. Maybe the lamp really is the sun we've been thinking all along. But. I'd rather believe what I did all along, than lose all hope. I will believe in the sun."
And we all know that there is indeed a sun. I did injustice to his speech.. but I don't have the book with me now. But you get the gist. Anyway.
If Christianity is false, would the first generation [aka the apostles] risked their lives in it? Out of the 12, 10 were martyered for their faith. Hello, if Jesus had been false, they wouldn't have died for Him. They didn't die pretty deaths. If memory serves me right, two were crucified upside down. Would you willingly endure six inch long nails driven into your wrists and ankles, and wait angonisingly to be suffocated to death? Crucifixtion was a method that took hours to kill. And upside down! These men died like that and didn't renounce their faith because they believed what they saw was true. The last disciple to die wasn't martyered. He was exiled to a teeny weeny island. Who would want to suffer for years in a dark, damp and small little cave for something that was false?? I can go on and on with more examples, and all are of men and women who suffered for Christ's sake. Would they have done so for a mere man? I think not. There had to be something about Jesus that even after His death, even Two Thousand years after His death, there are people who give their lives to Him.
Why must I lose the people I love when the end of the world comes, simply because they chose to follow a different philosophy of life, a different religion? It isn't fair, AT ALL. God is supposed to be fair.
Girl? Then what do you want God to do? Allow everyone to go to heaven although they've said they don't believe Him/don't want Him? That would be mocking His soverignity, wouldn't it? Notice how "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God". We're ALL supposed to go to hell honey. None of us, by our own merit, can be with God. Don't forget, God's perfect [that's why He's God. duh], so that creates a lot of problems. Especially because He's supposed to be just/fair.
Problem1: We're not perfect, and He is.
Problem2: He's just/fair. What. You expect Him to not punish wrongdoing? Again, that'd make a mockery out of His perfection, wouldn't it? So how?
He takes the punishment instead. My dear... God took all the wrongdoings of the world.. and all we have to do, on our part, is to accept Him. If we don't accept or even believe.. what do you want Him to do now? Force you to? But He gave us free will when He created the first human.. and so it stays.
God is God. Can a lump of clay comprehend the designs of its maker? Can the acorn refuse to gerimate? We who have been given the ablity to think, to differetiate, how much more ought we to obey our Maker? God is fair. That's why He did all that He did.
that was the day.. I reached home to find my mom pale-faced, glued to the TV set.. The tsunamis had struck. I mean, how apt can you get? Yi Rang and I were pretty affected by that sermon and the following events... she even more so I think, cos she thinks a lot. Well.. I don't want the world to end. I'm not looking forward to the day it does.. There's so much to live for, so much ahead of me. And I don't want to all of us to be separated the way it's supposedly going to happen - good Christian, heaven; others, hell.
It's all in the Bible. The Bible, in case you forgot, isn't a storybook. It's actually a historical record, much like the archives you see in musems. For the record, ancient scrolls have been found in caves near the Dead Sea and they agree with the bible. That would say something about the authencity of the bible now, wouldn't it? I mean, the bible you see in shops and the ancient dead sea scrolls correspond. It's not just ME telling you the bible is true, history proves it too.
The bible has said [thousands of years ago] that there'd be an increase in natural disasters. Think about it. If some piece of paper that's a couple of thousands of years old predicts an increase in natural disasters and that is what 's happening now... Doesn't that scare you? What that piece of paper said is coming true. I'd go read the rest of the paper if I were you, and see what it says about everything else. Especially on the afterlife.
That piece of paper is the bible.
By the way. The bible says that Man was created by God. Scientists say we came from monkeys.
Scientists also used to think that the sky only contained hundreds of thousands of stars... because they could only COUNT that much. The bible was the only book that said that there were billions of stars.. and cool, calculative scientists laughed at that number.
They were proven wrong. What about the rest?
There's no one I'll ever be able to believe in but myself. I am tangible. I'm a bit like Thomas... show me the holes in your hands. Even then.. is that enough?
You are tangible. Therefore you believe in yourself. The wind isn't tangible. So you don't believe in the wind? Then what is the thing that moves your hair?
God isn't tangible. So you don't belive in God? Then what is it that calls to your heart?
I wanted to. It would be remiss if two Christians were together, and one prayed without inviting the other. After all, that's what friendship is about, isn't it? Sharing what's important to us. I know there's nothing quite as important as my morning talks with God.
but i don't dare to. I'm not a Christian anymore.. what gives me the right to call myself one? I'm confused.. lost.
My dear... no one gave you the right to call yourself a Christian. God's the one who decreed that "to all who believe Him, who receive in His name, He gave the right to be: the children of God". Why are you lost? You know where to find the answers.
I don't want religion. I'm not willing to commit the way I think I should if I'm serious about it. I'm never going to get used to attributing every achievement of mine to God, and not be able to say I DID IT without any help.
At what cost? Being "confused.. lost"? Is pretending to be self-sufficient worth the trade-off when, when you think about it, you don't know what's going on? Do you know why you don't know what's going on?
What is religion anyway? Is it a man-made concept to guide us through life, to make us feel like we have a purpose? Which faith is right? Why should any one faith be 'right'? ... What's with worshipping? My pride doesn't like it, calling myself insignificant beside Him, telling Him that He is so wonderful, and completely succumbing to His 'power', so that I am but a mere sevant. It takes amazing humility, and faith.. I don't have that.
So many questions you're asking. I'll try. I don't know everything, but I'll try. mmm. Firstly. As the watch proves the existence of a watch-maker, so the earth proves the existence of a Creator, and all that is within it. I mean, you're not going to see a watch and say Look, how curious! This watch suddenly appeared on my hand! You're going to see a watch and go, oh wow, I've always wanted a fossil watch.. and that basically acknowledges fossil as the brand-maker of that particular watch.
So let's start on that. That there is something out there who created at least the earth and all there is in it. Let's call that something, God.
Since there is a God, obviously His religion, whatever it is, would be the "right" one. Yes? Any arguments against that? Therefore we follow the "right" religion. Assuming we know what the "right" one is.
As to worshipping.. I don't claim to speak for everyone out there but for me, there are plenty of reasons to worship. You know how magnificent nature is? Nature in all its granduer and elusive tints that have yet to be named.. even animals. Cows can't have four stomachs by accident. grin.
When I think about the beauty of the earth and sky.. there's this need within me to submit myself to whoever was powerful enough to create all this.
I know what you mean about pride though. I once wrote in one of my journals that "I believe not because I do, but because I cannot afford not to." Evidence of this God is all around, even within us, how can anyone claim ignorance? I am afraid of this Being, I am indeed.
Actually maybe I have faith. For all that I say, I would still get defensive if anyone insults the Christian faith. And in my darkest moments of immense desperation, I turn to him. I pray for help, out of habit. But I really believe he can help me. In those moments, that is. But... some prayers go answered, some don't. It's all in the greater plan, right? Well how can I be sure it's His great plan and not.. just the way life is? Why must someone be in control of everything, absolutely everything? Is it because we need that someone to make us feel like life and the world can actually be controlled?
You know. Your questions.. remind me of what I read in 'The Chronicles of Naria'. I forgot which book. The main characters were caught by a wicked socercess [think satan] and she started questioning their faith, their very being. In that underground room where the only source of light was a lamp, she asked them gently where they were from.
They said, from up there.
Up where?, she asked.
There! Don't you know? Where the sun is...-
What sun? What is a sun?
You must know the sun! Everyone knows the sun! It emits light and warmth.. and is yellow!
I think you must mean this lamp. It emits light and warmth... and it's yellow.
But... the sun. It isn't this lamp. It can't be!
Why not? Whatever you said the sun was, the lamp is. Maybe you have been imagining the lamp as a sun.
[this is me narrating again]: That was the confusion. They faltered. What if the lady was right, and the sun was only the lamp? In the same way, what if there is no someone in control and we've been wrong all along?
Then, one of the main characters, making the effort to think, said:
"You may be right. There may be no sun. Maybe the lamp really is the sun we've been thinking all along. But. I'd rather believe what I did all along, than lose all hope. I will believe in the sun."
And we all know that there is indeed a sun. I did injustice to his speech.. but I don't have the book with me now. But you get the gist. Anyway.
If Christianity is false, would the first generation [aka the apostles] risked their lives in it? Out of the 12, 10 were martyered for their faith. Hello, if Jesus had been false, they wouldn't have died for Him. They didn't die pretty deaths. If memory serves me right, two were crucified upside down. Would you willingly endure six inch long nails driven into your wrists and ankles, and wait angonisingly to be suffocated to death? Crucifixtion was a method that took hours to kill. And upside down! These men died like that and didn't renounce their faith because they believed what they saw was true. The last disciple to die wasn't martyered. He was exiled to a teeny weeny island. Who would want to suffer for years in a dark, damp and small little cave for something that was false?? I can go on and on with more examples, and all are of men and women who suffered for Christ's sake. Would they have done so for a mere man? I think not. There had to be something about Jesus that even after His death, even Two Thousand years after His death, there are people who give their lives to Him.
Why must I lose the people I love when the end of the world comes, simply because they chose to follow a different philosophy of life, a different religion? It isn't fair, AT ALL. God is supposed to be fair.
Girl? Then what do you want God to do? Allow everyone to go to heaven although they've said they don't believe Him/don't want Him? That would be mocking His soverignity, wouldn't it? Notice how "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God". We're ALL supposed to go to hell honey. None of us, by our own merit, can be with God. Don't forget, God's perfect [that's why He's God. duh], so that creates a lot of problems. Especially because He's supposed to be just/fair.
Problem1: We're not perfect, and He is.
Problem2: He's just/fair. What. You expect Him to not punish wrongdoing? Again, that'd make a mockery out of His perfection, wouldn't it? So how?
He takes the punishment instead. My dear... God took all the wrongdoings of the world.. and all we have to do, on our part, is to accept Him. If we don't accept or even believe.. what do you want Him to do now? Force you to? But He gave us free will when He created the first human.. and so it stays.
God is God. Can a lump of clay comprehend the designs of its maker? Can the acorn refuse to gerimate? We who have been given the ablity to think, to differetiate, how much more ought we to obey our Maker? God is fair. That's why He did all that He did.
that was the day.. I reached home to find my mom pale-faced, glued to the TV set.. The tsunamis had struck. I mean, how apt can you get? Yi Rang and I were pretty affected by that sermon and the following events... she even more so I think, cos she thinks a lot. Well.. I don't want the world to end. I'm not looking forward to the day it does.. There's so much to live for, so much ahead of me. And I don't want to all of us to be separated the way it's supposedly going to happen - good Christian, heaven; others, hell.
It's all in the Bible. The Bible, in case you forgot, isn't a storybook. It's actually a historical record, much like the archives you see in musems. For the record, ancient scrolls have been found in caves near the Dead Sea and they agree with the bible. That would say something about the authencity of the bible now, wouldn't it? I mean, the bible you see in shops and the ancient dead sea scrolls correspond. It's not just ME telling you the bible is true, history proves it too.
The bible has said [thousands of years ago] that there'd be an increase in natural disasters. Think about it. If some piece of paper that's a couple of thousands of years old predicts an increase in natural disasters and that is what 's happening now... Doesn't that scare you? What that piece of paper said is coming true. I'd go read the rest of the paper if I were you, and see what it says about everything else. Especially on the afterlife.
That piece of paper is the bible.
By the way. The bible says that Man was created by God. Scientists say we came from monkeys.
Scientists also used to think that the sky only contained hundreds of thousands of stars... because they could only COUNT that much. The bible was the only book that said that there were billions of stars.. and cool, calculative scientists laughed at that number.
They were proven wrong. What about the rest?
There's no one I'll ever be able to believe in but myself. I am tangible. I'm a bit like Thomas... show me the holes in your hands. Even then.. is that enough?
You are tangible. Therefore you believe in yourself. The wind isn't tangible. So you don't believe in the wind? Then what is the thing that moves your hair?
God isn't tangible. So you don't belive in God? Then what is it that calls to your heart?
Friday, April 15, 2005
It is with much heartache that I announce to all and sundry that my gift of goldiva chocolates is Finished.
It was a good box of chocolates, never failing to give me great joy and anticipation. Though less elaborate than royce, opening it was still a source of excitement each time, even if my family members did sneak a few away. [I know each chocolate by heart k.]
I'll miss my goldiva.
p.s Especially so since daddy just told mummy not to buy anymore chocolates for me. sigheth.
It was a good box of chocolates, never failing to give me great joy and anticipation. Though less elaborate than royce, opening it was still a source of excitement each time, even if my family members did sneak a few away. [I know each chocolate by heart k.]
I'll miss my goldiva.
p.s Especially so since daddy just told mummy not to buy anymore chocolates for me. sigheth.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
daddy's on the front page sunday times (:
haha not bluffing there. daddy's really on the front page! The one beside prince charles. hahaha. Daddy I'm SO proud of you! That finally someone recognises your efforts, things I've always known but never had the power to tell others. Daddy daddy... you the man! ((:
Of course, no newspaper report can cover even a tenth of the sacrifices you've made for the family.
AND, I think you're so much handsome-r in real life.
I'm suspecting mummy bribed mr reporter to give you funny hair and such a high forehead. So that no woman can steal her gorgeous husband. [even if mummy had no idea daddy was interviewed by mr reporter... and got a shock when she collected the papers today.]
hahaha. can you imagine? You open the door in the morning all bleary eyed, the newspapers fall in like every other day...
And your husband's photo's there on the front page.
hahaha.
I LOVE YOU DADDY!
Of course, no newspaper report can cover even a tenth of the sacrifices you've made for the family.
AND, I think you're so much handsome-r in real life.
I'm suspecting mummy bribed mr reporter to give you funny hair and such a high forehead. So that no woman can steal her gorgeous husband. [even if mummy had no idea daddy was interviewed by mr reporter... and got a shock when she collected the papers today.]
hahaha. can you imagine? You open the door in the morning all bleary eyed, the newspapers fall in like every other day...
And your husband's photo's there on the front page.
hahaha.
I LOVE YOU DADDY!
Sunday, April 03, 2005
If the entire world were to be blinded for a year...
If the entire world were to be blinded for a year...
1-There'd be no racism. well. not for those who can hide their accents anyway. [oh wait maybe everyone'll start talking with a slang. darn.] Anyway.
2-We'd discover that looks REALLY don't matter. Nor does the body shape for that matter.
3-Everyone'd be a lot more compassionate towards the blind after one year.
4-Porn will lose its popularity. [then again when you want something really bad you'll get it somehow.]
5-Porn will come out in braille.
6-Pollution would be cut drastically. No exhaust fumes and stuff. yay!
7-It's be really hard to cook. [I wonder what we'll do.]
8-We'd realise that fashion isn't so great after all... who cares if you're wearing a 1000 dollar arvant garde dress from milian or a 2 for 10 at the pasar malam? [down with elitism!]
9-We'd learn to love kind words... and to hear the genuine smile in the voice.
10-We'd learn to communicate a lot better.. to listen.
and-There'd be no wars. I can just imagine this conversation.
President 1[menacingly]: You watch out!
Presiden2: hahahahaha!!
OR.
President1: It's your fault. I'm declaring war.
President2: Oh, and where will you shoot?
grin. well. It's a nice thought.
1-There'd be no racism. well. not for those who can hide their accents anyway. [oh wait maybe everyone'll start talking with a slang. darn.] Anyway.
2-We'd discover that looks REALLY don't matter. Nor does the body shape for that matter.
3-Everyone'd be a lot more compassionate towards the blind after one year.
4-Porn will lose its popularity. [then again when you want something really bad you'll get it somehow.]
5-Porn will come out in braille.
6-Pollution would be cut drastically. No exhaust fumes and stuff. yay!
7-It's be really hard to cook. [I wonder what we'll do.]
8-We'd realise that fashion isn't so great after all... who cares if you're wearing a 1000 dollar arvant garde dress from milian or a 2 for 10 at the pasar malam? [down with elitism!]
9-We'd learn to love kind words... and to hear the genuine smile in the voice.
10-We'd learn to communicate a lot better.. to listen.
and-There'd be no wars. I can just imagine this conversation.
President 1[menacingly]: You watch out!
Presiden2: hahahahaha!!
OR.
President1: It's your fault. I'm declaring war.
President2: Oh, and where will you shoot?
grin. well. It's a nice thought.
tension
It's really tough at home right now. Really really tough.
I think you guys know that nat's in the sports school. I don't know if that's to blame for what's going on now but it sure feels like it..
It's like... sigh. I don't know.
It's hard when your brother comes home only friday night and leaves on sunday. And when he's around, everything's just... it's such a tensed atmosphere.
It's hard when both parents have such contrary views on how to deal with this... and harder when you know that all they want is the best for their child. [My dad's the disciplinarian in the family, my mom's the indulgent one.] It's hardest when you're the one who doesn't take part in it- for that very reason, everyone takes you as their listening ear and...
It's painful when you know all the sides of the story and no one's to blame, yet everyone is. Trying to be the middleman is draining. Take today for example.
My brother had a competition at 12.40. Church usually ends about 12.30. My dad's the kind that worships absolutely sans distraction... even his phone will be off. So the onus was on my brother to let him know when to leave. We were supposed to leave at 12... We left at 1235.
Blame my dad? Not so easy.
nat had duty today so he wasn't in the main sanctuary.. he was helping out with the kids. So my daddy wasn't prompted when to leave.
Blame nat for not letting him know? Not easy either.
He was standing at the door trying to alert my dad... why didn't he come in? He didn't want to disturb the rest of the congregation.
mommy didn't help things much either I guess... throughout the ride she was making comments that well. I don't want to go into that.
But I can't blame my mom either! She needs to talk it out.. it's her way of anger management and no one can say that that's wrong. Different people have different ways.. and I could tell she was already making the effort to control herself.
So what am I supposed to do?? Blame myself?
and by the way. It isn't easy not to blame anyone... it's a natural reaction when you want to find the source of the problem so that constructive action can be taken.. so that the problem can be solved.
It got even worse throughout the day. You know. The whole ripple effect. I think the climax came when daddy sent nat to the sports school.. I was in the car so I knew what happened but mommy wasn't so when daddy told her that he was going to take the extra fan away from nat's room mummy kind of flipped. See, to her, you're supposed to keep loving your child no matter what. To daddy, if you misbehave, you're going to have privelleges taken away from you. The fan was an extra one; the sports school already has one except that nat doesn't think it's windy enough.
So. Mommy's upset because she's afraid nat's going to get the idea that we don't love him and then our family's going to be really estranged, especially since nat comes home only once a week. Daddy? daddy isn't saying much, but I'm thinking that it'd be really wrong if daddy lets nat be so rude and not do anything about it. Whatever it is, I'm the one they talk to. To let it out. And I hate tension, I really really do. I love them all so much and I can see both sides. But both sides don't want to back down because they think theirs is the better way. And I'm not even going into the rest of my week. Let's just say that it's the toughest I've had this year. Academics, social, even one of my closest friends.. everything hurt so much and. This family one tops it off nicely, doesn't it? [miserable laugh]. Every corner... I'm just grateful that I've had so much support from my mates... really. daddy and mummy.. sab, al, tim, hannah, xiuwen... even people I don't keep in constant contact with.. matthew, joot, sean, wilson, mindy.. probably more I can't quite remember now [sorry man] oh and I received mayboo's letter yesterday. haha. It's been one friend after another. (: Yeah I'm really so glad for my friends who stick by me, who knows what it means to be friends.
thank you...
I think you guys know that nat's in the sports school. I don't know if that's to blame for what's going on now but it sure feels like it..
It's like... sigh. I don't know.
It's hard when your brother comes home only friday night and leaves on sunday. And when he's around, everything's just... it's such a tensed atmosphere.
It's hard when both parents have such contrary views on how to deal with this... and harder when you know that all they want is the best for their child. [My dad's the disciplinarian in the family, my mom's the indulgent one.] It's hardest when you're the one who doesn't take part in it- for that very reason, everyone takes you as their listening ear and...
It's painful when you know all the sides of the story and no one's to blame, yet everyone is. Trying to be the middleman is draining. Take today for example.
My brother had a competition at 12.40. Church usually ends about 12.30. My dad's the kind that worships absolutely sans distraction... even his phone will be off. So the onus was on my brother to let him know when to leave. We were supposed to leave at 12... We left at 1235.
Blame my dad? Not so easy.
nat had duty today so he wasn't in the main sanctuary.. he was helping out with the kids. So my daddy wasn't prompted when to leave.
Blame nat for not letting him know? Not easy either.
He was standing at the door trying to alert my dad... why didn't he come in? He didn't want to disturb the rest of the congregation.
mommy didn't help things much either I guess... throughout the ride she was making comments that well. I don't want to go into that.
But I can't blame my mom either! She needs to talk it out.. it's her way of anger management and no one can say that that's wrong. Different people have different ways.. and I could tell she was already making the effort to control herself.
So what am I supposed to do?? Blame myself?
and by the way. It isn't easy not to blame anyone... it's a natural reaction when you want to find the source of the problem so that constructive action can be taken.. so that the problem can be solved.
It got even worse throughout the day. You know. The whole ripple effect. I think the climax came when daddy sent nat to the sports school.. I was in the car so I knew what happened but mommy wasn't so when daddy told her that he was going to take the extra fan away from nat's room mummy kind of flipped. See, to her, you're supposed to keep loving your child no matter what. To daddy, if you misbehave, you're going to have privelleges taken away from you. The fan was an extra one; the sports school already has one except that nat doesn't think it's windy enough.
So. Mommy's upset because she's afraid nat's going to get the idea that we don't love him and then our family's going to be really estranged, especially since nat comes home only once a week. Daddy? daddy isn't saying much, but I'm thinking that it'd be really wrong if daddy lets nat be so rude and not do anything about it. Whatever it is, I'm the one they talk to. To let it out. And I hate tension, I really really do. I love them all so much and I can see both sides. But both sides don't want to back down because they think theirs is the better way. And I'm not even going into the rest of my week. Let's just say that it's the toughest I've had this year. Academics, social, even one of my closest friends.. everything hurt so much and. This family one tops it off nicely, doesn't it? [miserable laugh]. Every corner... I'm just grateful that I've had so much support from my mates... really. daddy and mummy.. sab, al, tim, hannah, xiuwen... even people I don't keep in constant contact with.. matthew, joot, sean, wilson, mindy.. probably more I can't quite remember now [sorry man] oh and I received mayboo's letter yesterday. haha. It's been one friend after another. (: Yeah I'm really so glad for my friends who stick by me, who knows what it means to be friends.
thank you...
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