SMILE

Sorry... but I'm not up to thinking now and I hope you understand.

I know I should try. I Smiledid- but nothing comes except this sense of... murky muddy emotions that threaten to overwhelm me.
This feeling comes every few weeks or so and every time it does I struggle. Struggle to keep going, to pick myself up, to tell myself hey rachel,Smile you'll be fine, it's alright you aren't stupid. Okay I know I'm not stupid but it's immensely discouraging to put in effort during assignments and still not do well in them.
It's all about perseverance and determination, isn't it?

Sometimes though, it's too tiring to fight personal demons that harrass and not let go. Sometimes I wish I was numb. SMILE
If I were, then school- failures and all, wouldn't bother me. I could go throughSMILE the motions mechanically. Day in and out... my sense deadened and automatic... *shrug`. I oculd even do like, what, 10 essays a week and not feel drained. And I wouldn't even mind my results. Is that why so many people drink? To anasthise themselves? If only it worked for me. Too bad. All that happens when I drink is the sprouting of nonsense. No forgetting any pain. hah.

I don't know why I can't cry. The burning anguish of unshed tears lies in my heart and it's as painful as the problems themselvesmiles.

Even the sound of your voice jolts me...
When you speak, it burns. Please don't speak. Please don't. SMILE

At the same time, I don't know what to do with you. He might think I'm the most domineering person he's ever met, someone with absolutely no heart, no feelings but I'm not like that.

Forget it. Maybe I Can finsmiled somewhere in myself not to bother anymore.
Tell myself I don't, so I won't. Why bother thinking so much? No one's going to love you any more for that rachel. Yeah you there sitting on your comfy chair, if you have so much to say, if you think all this is wrong, say something.

Well. You know what? This is one of the angsty writes I said I wouldn't dSMILEo. ohwell.

I don't care.

I seem to have lost the love for my subjects. You know. When I first came into pjc I was so happy. I loved what I was taking. hist lit econs math... Loved the school, loved coming and everyday was a smiley day.
Somewhere along the way I've lost it. It's drudgery now and... there's no more feeling to it. It's an endless cycle of fail fail fail. failed subjects, failed friendships... I don't hate coming to school but now and then I wonder why I'm doing it. smile
I can't Not do it. There's no way out... I'm not a quitter.
I guess when I work, I need affirmation. Praise, esmilencouragement, and hope. [I really don't understand how you can think I'm a dictator.]
Erica said that she treasures her student-teacher relationships... I've always had a love-fear one with them. Maybe it came from my primary schools... both were sap which meant I had to bow when teachers walked by, greet them... respect's the word. I hold teachers in awe; it's hard for me to see them as human. Girl, I'm jealous of what you have. I don'SMILEt think I've ever had that.

I'm feeling alone now. Yeah I know I have God with me but it doesn't mean I'm invinsible. For what it's worth I'm more vulnerable.

I say I dosmilen't care but I do.
I'm going to put this in white so that no one will see it. I don't need your pity.smile

I think I know why I will care. I've seen people who cut themselves from the world and it's worse than caring, if such a thing is possible. I'd rather care and hurt than kill what's in me...

When I grow up, I'll teach p.e. I'll smile and laugh and enjoy my body. After some time, when I've saved enough, I want to backpack around the world. Hopefully with my husband. That's if I'm married.[ Sometimes it seems impossible.] Then, when I'SMILEm in my-I don't know, later 40s? I'll come back. oh btw. If any children had appeared along the way, they'll be with the grandparents. (: ideally. smile

When I grow up I'll smile and laugh and enjoy my body. I'll teach p.e. After some time, I'll travel around the world with the man I love.

For now, I'll brood less, smile more, loveSMILE! most.