a hungry rachel does a cranky girl make

i would count today my jonah day, the one horrid[est] day per sem where every single thing seems to go wrong, most exasperatingly accompanied by angst within the self. angst within the self is hardest to deal with, i think.

this time, it's mostly arising from my assignment that's due this week, which i haven't started/been able to start on. this is the first and only assignment i'm getting stressed at, even if there are only 2 weeks of school (or 5 days in which i have to go to school) left. the assignment's from my ling322 module, and it's on phonology.

firstly, my phonology has never been my strong subject. and that's an understatment. secondly, this ling322 mod assumes aspects of phonetics i haven't learnt, because i haven't taken el2102 back in nus. how am i going to sit for an exam where half of it is on phonetics, and on phonetics i don't know?
but back to the assignment. i hope i have convinced that i am weak in said topic. that's part a. now, part b: it seems that there is only ONE book that is relevant. i made my request for the book last friday, but it still hasn't come. which is like, duuuude. i can't begin my assignment on TH-fronting in replacing f/v for the conventional pronunciation ending syllable.

maybe i should chill. i should be like, okay the one and only useful book isn't here. i can't start. therefore i should just read yet another postmodern novel and walk about in a daze after. but nooooo i didn't. what did i do? how did i spend my day?
1. went to school, and ABSOLUTELY WASTED MY TIME doing n.o.t.h.i.n.g. not even constructively reading postmodern fiction that might make me sound more intelligent. oh i remember what i did now, i spent Hours rearranging/editing photos taken yesterday, when adam and i went to the botanic gardens for tulip sunday.

argh.

i just want my assignment over and done with. i am willing to start now =(

other objects of offense: wet, cold and windy weather, such a polar change from yesterday's blue sky and pretty flowers. and alfredo darling was acting up somewhat. and and and- i am hungry. i hate being hungry. i have been so hungry today, even my usual supplies weren't enough and i have been hungry since an hour and 45 mins ago, and have to endure for another hour and a half.

dumb assignment. dumb.

feeling distinctly un-21, un adult, un caring, and completely sulky. m.eh.


as a postscript: i think my title was quite ungrammatical. hmmm.

forgive me

maybe it is charlotte bronte and jane austen proving too potent a mix, or else sad, sad music, with trembling voices and tears and violins- so vulnerable to its cry- or maybe
it's the stress of being here and wanting to be home but wanting to stay too and. and boys dear to me asking me if i don't think 'i should stay for a full year' and i still cannot understand how i am supposed to. to leave. and then. there's also you, you leaving/left/leaving/gone. you shouldn't go, you shouldn't. i don't know how much instability and tension

tonight words are failing me and my heart is seeking refuge
from the thoughts that are barraging across.

going solo the rachel way

1. so. i am back from 5 days of backpacking by myself (kind of).

2. when i came back, i found that erica left me a note on doingthekiwi.

erica // August 29, 2008 at 2:39 am

Hello rachel i am leaving (to find) you, even if you (have already) left.

See you on the other side (:

I really liked her paranthesis(es) and word play, and most of all the promise we make to still see, to still be.

3. I think 5 days can be condensed to two phrases: An enjoyment, and chaffing against, isolation, and drama the second half of the way.

4. Maybe I'll try pictures, to help me. In the meantime-

stars, and shooting stars, and moon sets and sun rises.

playing with ducks, shading your eyes while i gaze out to the huge expense of deep blue Lake Taupo water rippling skies in different shades of blue.

mountain climbing, and so much walking, ABBA in my head all the way.

thoughts while in lonesomeness, and ability to think crashing down around me from wednesday onwards.

cooking breakfasts for me,

me making salad for the three of us.

a home by the beach.

catching a fish flapping on the incoming tide- my first kill!

driving with the impeteousness of youth: in under 24 hours: taupo-napier-taupo-napier and-

i am glad you made to back up taupo, and onto auckland, safe.

a losing of aunty susan's winter shirt [i don't know how to tell her! ): ]

a pine cone i left in the backseat, along with maple syrup and fruit bread secretly for you.

a final hug, a final kiss on my forehead.

up i go on the bus, and watch you drive away in our silver camry.

and

and memories i don't know what to do with.

don't scared don't scared

hello dear, read ur blog/s n i get the feeling u feel apprehensive abt ur trip. quite normal to feel a little jittery i suppose: i felt... alone too when i sat on the train to new york city on my own.

but all that disappeared when the train pulled up n i stepped out of the station, cos all thats before me r endless possibilities ('shud i grab a hotdog now? or shud i go take pretty skyscraper photos??'... oh wait, i spot a bunch of hot japanese girls across the street... shall tail them n get a closer look...') - [scripted conversation, may not have happened in reality]

but ya, my point is, don't stay scared for too long k? cos when u forget ur fears and everything slides into focus, the solo road trip becomes so exhilarating and... refreshing..? n i was so glad i was alone. cos the 'kick' wouldn't have been as great if i wasn't so alone. (err does tt make sense? sorry darling, sleepy=incoherent)

so the bottomline is, i think u will stay scared and meek for all of 30seconds. after that u'll lose urself in the moment n enjoy the solitude. of cos, rembr to look out for urself amidst all the fun la.

no point burdening urself with all the self-doubt, worries at this point dear. don't scared k? :)

flying solo

i am full of thoughts today. of staying and leaving and planning and coordinating. of this unknown thing called independence. i want to travel the world With someone, not alone. i am tired of the kiwi accent.

and then.
let me declare my travel plans. a most probably alone trip.

1. wake up at 545am on tuesday morning, leave hall by 630, get to cable car (reaching at about 715), making it down by 730, walking to the railway station, making my way to the cutesily named Bunny station by 755.

Officially- Bunny Street

Bunny Street, (near Waterloo Quay), Outside Railway Station / OPPOSITE Backpackers.

Pick up at approximately 8:05AM
anddd.
The buses have nakedbus.com stickers at the side.

2. A couple of days in Taupo, a couple of days in Napier, then- home. Like this:

3. 1.40 pm at the napier bus stop- Travel Centre, 85 Munroe Street (wherever that is)
Booking Reference: #6675643
All passengers must report 15 minutes before departure
Sat 30 Aug 08 06:50pm Arrive Wellington
Railway Station, Platform 9

It isn't too hard.. right?

I'm kind of scared.

opportunity costs, so high

you know how you shouldn't think when you're tired? i'm real tired, but i'm also real.. disbalanced tonight.

i don't know if i should stay or if i should go.

i'm learning so much. i'm too tired to go into details, but i'm learning enough to want to stay and extend the experience.

but i'm leaving so much behind, and maybe it's too much.
rachel- "hey little girl in a small city" says:
i don't want to spend too much time apart from you

and that's precisely it. i don't want to spend too much time apart from any of you.

a funny story

of a boy high on marijuana, who asked the girl sitting beside him in the car, if she wanted to do something "crazy and go out for the three months left".
and two days later, messages to ask to meet so that he can "apologise and leave".


idiot.
(all men are scum.)

words fail me

they're in jc now, the twerps.

a happy day :)

-excerpt from an email i wrote

"i had a fantastic saturday, that more than made up for my previous saturday. last sat, the hall was supposed to bring us new internationals to kapiti island (bird scantuary) and then to lindale for ice cream. lindale is famous for its ice cream, and everyone knows it.
but the trip got cancelled because of bad weather. and it was the SECOND time it got cancelled! so i woke up for lunch, read the announcement on the whiteboard, ate lunch, and spent the entire day in front of the computer wishing i was somewhere else, anywhere else in the world but weary wellington.

so yes, that was my saturday last week. but two days ago, on friday night, i was chatting with a friend after icf (international christian fellowship) and he was asking me how i find wellington. he was born in auckland, but his parents are singaporean and he goes back to singapore like once every year. so i was like, errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr idon'treallyknowhowtolikeitihaven'tbeenaround and then he was like, well why don't you go out? what do you do on saturdays? i was like AHHH HAHA and then explained what it had been like. and he took pity on me (as everyone in the world does; i seem to be in perpetual distressed damsel mode around the globe or something) and he was like, okay what are you doing on sat, tmrw? and i was like, er, nothing? (there was supposed to have been a trip to the Red Rocks to see seals but it got CANCELLED on thursday because the weather forecasts predicted BAD WEATHERRRRRR AHH) nothing at all and he was like, okay i'll take you around.

and he did! he picked me up ouside my hall at abt two, and he was like, okay i don't really have any plans, is there anywhere you want to go? and i was like, no, so he drove on. he wanted to bring me to a mall i think (quite lame, but it does also highlight my desperate situation; i haven't actually been to a mall. i've been to town, but town's just streets of shops. not a building. no mall.) but when we got there parking was absolutely crazy-they don't do stuff right in new zealand- so we gave up and he drove on. and then apparently we were quite near to a lotr film site and i wanted to see it so he took me but it was a letdown; just a normal river and i don't see how it had looked so magnificent when frodo was crossing the river with the witch kings behind him. well then after that i was telling him that i haven't seen any sheep here and that if new zealand wanted to salvage its reputation of being mehmeh land i would need to see some soon. and he was like, i'll take you. and so he drove out of town, and after a while (by this time after the mall plus driving, it was more than an hour of being in the car) I SAW SHEEP! on the hills grazing as we drove on the motorway/highway. so all's good, i've seen sheep and can reassure everyone back home that new zealand has sheep. hahahahahaha. i even saw cows. :D
and and and GUESS WHAT! we went to lindalllleeeee!!! we were like, driving and driving and driving and i was wondering where on earth we were and suddenly i saw a bilboard that said somethingsomethingsomething LINDALE and i was like GASSSSPPPP LINDALE??? and he grinned and he was like, what? no, we can't be going to lindale BUT IT WAS HAHAH I WENT TO LINDALE AND I HAD TWO SCOOPS OF FAMOUS ICE CREAM. he said that after we were at the lotr site and drove out to see the sheep, lindale was pretty much on the way so he just decided to bring me there. yayyyyyy.
the ice cream was okayyyy la. i mean. fig and honey was awwwwesome but then again it generally is a kickass combination but then i had their medal winning feijoa and it was weird. haha.

and i spent like, an hour on my two scoops! i didn't realise i eat so slowly. =Pp so it was turning dark by the time i'd finished. and then i thought, oh okay it's over right, since nz goes to sleep at five o'clock. hahah. but apparently he isn't like the usual laid back kiwi. soooooooo we continued.
actually, the day was a bit tiring, trying to figure out his own person against what i've learnt of the kiwi culture so far. like, i thought that all kiwis go to sleep at five right, but he doesn't. so that took a bit of delicate figuring out and asking little questions here and there. quite tiring.
so anyway, turns out he wanted to bring me to see the night view on mt vic because i'd commented on a postcard of the view when we were at lindale and waiting for me to finish the ice cream. i thought that was pretty cool.

but the weather was disgusting. the entire day's weather had been disgusting so even after we went to the top we both decided we didn't want to walk up to the lookout point so we stayed in the car and talked and i even made up stories. hahaha. don't you wish that it was you i was telling stories to? i would have liked that.
then afterward we hung out at his place and watched family guy and then he drove me back. we thought of him showing me the clubbing scene, but the weather was too bad and we were both tired from the day so we decided against it.

:)
like my email? very long hor.

i got to run now,

much love,
rach"

december-

is far too long a time to return home.

as the weather

on days like these, where i waste entire 24hour periods, unoccupied, unmotivated, restless and gloomy as the weather- i find myself wishing i had gone to mexico instead, never mind the language.

this, this land that is pale and grey, cold and soft. too soft, too limpid. why am i here?



-pause-
then again:

rach- how do you remember? says:
alllllllllll =(((((((
i want to go to mexico =(
ti . ai . ey. en . ji says:
you can go there for a holiday
ti . ai . ey. en . ji says:
one day okay
ti . ai . ey. en . ji says:
we'll go together

my best friend just made everything better :)

<3

tired-

i have lost my words, and along with it, my security

dear wayne

you made me melt, all the way over the Oceania continent.

flowers

if only the florist hadn't sent it to the wrong address. i'd have seen it, before i left.
it's something quite tragic, eh?

much love :)

on a jet plane

finally used that line (:

go to my other place k? doingthekiwi.wordpress.com. don't know if i'll write much, but yeah. there.
won't close this one though- it makes for good top secret friends only posts. which might not happen, but still.

so long,
fare well.

why i leave

so that all the relationships i've messed up over, can lie fallow, like fields that have been plouged too often now warped and needing rest.

fine, i honestly see (much better) now. boys and boys and girls are girls, and i cannot treat them the same. boys will not let me treat them the same. they will wonder, they will think different.

things cannot go on the way they were before. the land is changed with peace and stillness, i can be too. as will the relationships that have been sown messily, grown terribly and reaped unahppily.

i'm sorry for those i messed up, because i thought we could be open, and close, and good. i didn't believe that being a boy and being a girl would make any difference. strike one, rachel.

okay. vulnerable moment over. rachel will come back and remember that boys are different, and cannot be girlfriends.