l had a monster meltdown today, so bad we had to evacuate the rest of the class.

seeing the rest of them scared, moving to corners, behind screens, hearing the cries and screams, seeing j throw himself into the sturdy ixora bushes outside, dashing onto the road; having to call for the therapist, seeing her run over, coming back to the classroom and seeing miss j locking him into the safety position, and yet still needing male assistance in the end;
torn papers broken watches thrown bottles scattered leaves angry l unresponsive p unanswering p helpless x locked in y. replay replay replay. bad day. bad friday. don't wreck my tgif; i'm sorry kid, we all had ours torn.
"i hate fridays. i hate l. i hate. i hate. i hate", words scored in and i agree with you, p, fridays are our black days. our monster days. our monster days.

on blaise pascal, and smiling.

1) i really, really <3 tea

2) you see the smile that's on my mouth/

it's hiding the words that don't come out

3) i am amused by Pascal-

68 Men are never taught to be gentlemen, and are taught everything else;

and they never plume themselves so much on the rest of their knowledge as on knowing how to be gentlemen.

They only plume themselves on knowing the one thing they do not know.

4) and like him better than i did when studying stats-

72 _Man's disproportion._--

[This is where our innate knowledge leads us. If it be not true, there is no truth in man; and if it be true, he finds therein great cause for humiliation, being compelled to abase himself in one way or another. And since he cannot exist without this knowledge, I wish that, before entering on deeper researches into nature, he would consider her both seriously and at leisure, that he would reflect upon himself also, and knowing what proportion there is....] Let man then contemplate the whole of nature in her full and grand majesty, and turn his vision from the low objects which surround him. Let him gaze on that brilliant light, set like an eternal lamp to illumine the universe; let the earth appear to him a point in comparison with the vast circle described by the sun; and let him wonder at the fact that this vast circle is itself but a very fine point in comparison with that described by the stars in their revolution round the firmament. But if our view be arrested there, let our imagination pass beyond; it will sooner exhaust the power of conception than nature that of supplying material for conception. The whole visible world is only an imperceptible atom in the ample bosom of nature. No idea approaches it. We may enlarge our conceptions beyond all imaginable space; we only produce atoms in comparison with the reality of things. It is an infinite sphere, the centre of which is everywhere, the circumference nowhere.[30] In short it is the greatest sensible mark of the almighty power of God, that imagination loses itself in that thought.

because i need some rescuing, and some saving.

they say the first step to recovery is admission- well then, i confess to a recent touch of mild obsession with sodoku (sokudo?). next sign of a more than mild touch will be the mastery of its name.

tonight i sit here with matt redman playing on repeat (i need the song), and thinking over the day. in the morning i went swimming, finally. it was good, pushing through waters that held me up. everything was blue, and i am a brown tan now. my hair still smells faintly of chlorine, chlorine that seeped in through the laps while i swam and thought thoughts.

speaking of thoughts, i have been trying. i try because i believe in the end point. i know what i'm looking at, and i will know it better than i know it now.

/can i be alone with my thoughts? prolonged was the season wherein i could, but for now, i cannot.