Whose perspective

God's, or mine.

What I think about my current circumstances- is my desired end all I'm working towards? Do I remember that there's eternity, that I'm naught but vapour in the wind? A fool focuses on keeping what is not his in the first place.

Like, life. We don't control when we live and when we die.

A proposed resolution, then: that I work not towards what I simply don't have the power over, but live each day I've got, faithfully, vesting it towards eternity.

Amen.

a high view of God

a high view of God.

i remember pea talking about it before, with wei shieng and i at ice cream maybe.

a high view to- remember afresh just WHO God is. and be in awe and reverent fear.
and then. my life in response to that rememberance anew.

God, give me a high view of You.

1. What is your current obsession?

i don't think i have one

2. What are you wearing today?

embarrassedly pink; bright pink sister shirt, pink boxers with hearts all over them- i'm not usually like this.

3. What’s for dinner?

not hungry; might not eat tonight

4. What’s the last thing you bought?

teh peng

5. What are you listening to right now?

justin taylor's 'cheesy little love song'; it really is quite cute (:

6. What is your favorite quote?

The feminine soul is of a simplicity incredible to man. Where there is but
a straight line they obstinately seek the complexity of a web, they find space
and lose themselves in it.

-Aphrodite by Pierre Louys

7. What language do you want to learn?

spanish is the love

8. What do you love most about where you currently live?

the food(:

9. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?

to your heart (isn't that a nice, cliched answer; i don't mean any of it)

10. If you could do or be anything (career wise), what would you be?

xxyy

11. What’s your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?

mmm. maybe my butterfly dress (:

12. Describe your personal style?

narh

13. Do you collect anything?

dresses? haha

14. What makes you follow a blog?

the quality of writing

15. What makes you comment on a blog?

rarely

16. What is the most enjoyable thing you did today?

watch butterflies from a bench; should be writing about it on doingthekiwi

17. What’s your favorite thing to do when you have free time?

enjoy it

Today's meditation: Philippians 2:12-18 which, incidentally, was also brought up yesterday during ag. mm.

i suppose one of the biggest reasons for doing things right (there the phrase is, again), is because we are shiny people. shiny, shining, you know. like lights. there are many ways to say this, and many approaches that have already been expounded on, but i suppose in philippians Paul is saying that our starting point is this: we shine as lights in the world, so do all things without murmurings or disputings, that we may be blameless and harmless in what we are called to be. geddit?

and i guess the whole point about shining is that it is for the sake of noticing. the shining testifies to something. Or rather, Someone. The greatest Love that redeems all our lostness and despair, even when we have nothing to give in return.

and lest we say we are inherently good: do you know what we are each capable of?

matthew 15:19- "For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies"

Initially we trust in our ignorance, calling it innocence, and next we trust our innocence, calling it purity. Then when we hear these strong statements from our Lord, we shrink back, saying, "But I never felt any of those awful things in my heart." We resent what He reveals. Either Jesus Christ is the supreme authority on the human heart, or He is not worth paying any attention to. Am I prepared to trust the penetration of His Word into my heart, or would I prefer to trust my own "innocent ignorance"? If I will take an honest look at myself, becoming fully aware of my so-called innocence and putting it to the test, I am very likely to have a rude awakening that what Jesus Christ said is true, and I will be appalled at the possibilities of the evil and the wrong within me. But as long as I remain under the false security of my own "innocence," I am living in a fool’s paradise. If I have never been an openly rude and abusive person, the only reason is my own cowardice coupled with the sense of protection I receive from living a civilized life. But when I am open and completely exposed before God, I find that Jesus Christ is right in His diagnosis of me.

The only thing that truly provides protection is the redemption of Jesus Christ. If I will simply hand myself over to Him, I will never have to experience the terrible possibilities that lie within my heart. Purity is something far too deep for me to arrive at naturally. But when the Holy Spirit comes into me, He brings into the center of my personal life the very Spirit that was exhibited in the life of Jesus Christ, namely, the Holy Spirit, which is absolute unblemished purity.

- Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest


guess i can relate to what chamber calls the disgust at the possbilities of the evil and wrong within me. i've been seeing more and more of what i can be, and it's horrible. i would hate me. i would be bitter, i would be scheming, i would be shallow. i would be absolutely cold.

thank God, then, for Christ! He who was sent to save me from myself, and who did what was necessary to overcome all that is evil and ugly. He has begun a work within me.

here i am, dear sir, faithful with the report you once requested, but might never see.

night one: i received your farewell text at 1919hrs, and duly replied at 1945hrs. we have cut off communication. spend the night with mommy walking around bugis. she buys me figs and we go shopping. at home, in bed i work very hard and by midnight i am no longer melancholic. but that change might as well be useless, for still you fill my thoughts, they rise up as bubbles and stop at the ceiling, slowly permeating the room. throughout the night thought bubble after thought bubble of you leaves my mind and form the next layer, i am creating my own doom. sometimes the stickfigures walk out of the thought bubbles and poke each other, interacting. by the time dawn breaks there is no airspace anymore; the entire room is filled and presses down upon me, i am on the brink of suffocating but my mom wakes up to prepare for church and also opens my room door. the thought bubbles fly out, float casually, and i realise i have slept another night with my eyes wide open.

after church: i think i am mad at you.

sunday: is spent busy, and by the time dinner with your brother and my friends is over i am no longer angry. that stopped many hours ago, actually. but still i do not return to mourning.

today is the one and a half day mark. the outside weather reflects the inside state. there's a term i studied in the gothic, but cannot remember how to spell. menotomy? in any case, let me dutifully note the weather: languid, cloudy, gloomy, the aftermath of prolonged rain. cold.

i do not allow myself to miss you, nor want you with me.
i mean it: i do not miss you, nor want you with me.

never before has a week so dragged

1.
"One reason for not receiving answers from God is that sin may be blocking our hearing. Let’s examine ourselves carefully."

is sin blocking my hearing? i really wouldn't want that. i've been trying. i think.
it seems like everything's been put on fast-forward, even one montish, that crazy but kinda nice phrase, when i blinked it became two. fast-forwarding is ultimately no good, i think. things get lost in the blur.

sometimes sanctification and other theological words seem so separate from the daily reality of my life. like, sanctification seems all that is serious (though good), a little solemn, a little stern. daily life is.. a struggle, a happiness, a swirl of colours and blend over and over again. them theological words are unyielding like the walls of a gothic church. gray, and unrelenting.
but if sanctification is Christ in me, then... He becomes part of what i called daily life, no? and the two ideas have to come together. whether integrated, melded, or clashed into unity, (hopefully not), i don't know. but sanctification must be as part of my colour playing as anything else is. and my actions now, though really, quite detachedly interesting in how it's all dramatic and purposeful, must deliberately include sanctification. i mean, the process and our decisions are undoubtedly good for scantification, but if i am not conscious of the work that is going on, i would think i'm losing out. here, then. alright. what we're going through, is sanctification. and. it's not boring. sanctification is not boring. it's as colourful as anything i've got in my own palette, and then some. awesome, interesting, and all that. i like this conclusion. till the next time.

2.
from lotsofscotts:

Don't try to 'fix' each other--let God do that. Instead, look for ways to
love one another well.
Seek God's guidance on how to glorify Him through your marriage. What a
nonstop opportunity it is to practice selflessness, grace, forgiveness and
unconditional love!

as is currently relevant.
.


3. oh, i might as well announce. tiang is leaving me. as has everyone else. a.b.a.n.d.o.n.e.d.

1. shift perspective, and turn attention to what truly matters. it might (hah) seem like a small step, but it's significant.

ephesians 4:17-24 reminds us that if we have learnt Christ, then we are to a., put off the old man, b., be renewed in the spirit of our minds, and c., put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.

doing what's right. hah. tis the new catchphrase around here.

Christianity, Explored

1. it sounds good.

2. went to dempsey road last night with joel; it was good and i enjoyed meself. i like the name dempsey, it sounds like damsel and reminds me of the damselfly. which is another pretty word. word, mind you. i'm not so sure of the real thing.

3. the unsaid. i've been thinking about it now and then; hello, do you regret saying what you did earlier on? moment of weakness, my foot.. you're going down the wrong path can't you see i'm not going to let you drag me down too. it's about timing and rightness innit. i mean, if you want to do something, at the end of the day, do it right.

4. i'm still bent on saying goodbye.

sleep-deprived but oh so restless

i couldn't sleep last night, gave up at seven or so just now, and now at eight i have literally bounced up and down for sheer restlessness. i'm sitting on a chair but my legs are rocking back and forth, i'm thinking they're trying to get rid of all the energy. where did it all come from.

needless to say, qt was done like an ADHD kid on steroids. i spelt steroids as steorids. looks quite good that way too. nevertheless, i shall attempt to reflect (haha).

1. an all-consuming passion.
that i have absolutely no reliance on anyone, nor anything other than my Creator. well that isn't the case for me, and after i resolved last night to prepare for goodbye my body went into this strange reaction. couldn't stop thinking about it. but will carry on even if i never sleep again, because i am that convinced it's right. maybe eventually my body will stop revolting, and in the aftermath my Father's voice will be my comfort. this one's for you, God.

these of significance

these are the passages that i have been shown, and thought over, over the past month:

1st Corinthians 12; 1st Corinthians 13, Phillipians 2, and Romans 12-
Respectively, the Body of Christ, Love, the Mind of Christ, and well. What We Should Do To One Another.

i wouldn't say that they are cliched passages, because that would assume a vast number of christians have lived these out, still practice them in their lives, and how many of us can say that? each of these yours truly stumbled over, and quite magnificently at that.

but i love them still.

*

on a side note: i've realised the year 2009 doesn't mean very much, and in fact confuses me. since coming back from half a year away (plus the extended pretrip prep, events and all that and it's not like i didn't travel this year either) the years 2008 and 2009 appear quite ghostly, a span of two seperate years that weave in and out of others, sometimes in between the years 2003 and 2004, sometimes inserted into the years that never were.

so. after a tough last night:

matthew 10 says in verse 30ish that i am worth more than many sparrows. which i suppose is comforting, although methinks the context was in Christ telling His disciples not to be afraid as they suffered flogging, betrayal and hatred for the gospel. so i shouldn't really read this verse as a let-me-feel-nice-and-happy-now-that-i-know-God-loves-me and feel real good about myself kind of thing. idk; i may be a BP but i'm not the one forever denouncing wall plaques with verses taken out of context. that's my fire and brimstone TL. in any case.

was also reminded of the collectivism perspective which is what our catholic church ought to be; the ridiculous overemphasis at the individual has been going on for too long now (i ought to borrow dennis' protestant history text sometime and look it up) and hearing the youths focus on their self-pitying lives and the events of each others' is an awful trend that must stop. can we hear that from someone sometime, please. the truth in love, of course.

finally, let me try this out:

-pause-

sigh okay fail. here's the link instead: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_VknTKQQhw
a three year old sings of the power of the blood, with so much gusto i love her. :)

this is a good enough place to put my morning meditations, i suppose. if this does continue substancially enough maybe i Will reopen this place (!) and everything will once again be free. do you know this site has been closed for two years now. how horribly long. what a length of time; a bit of a mouthful to think about. in any case, if i do free this place up maybe the sheer avalanche of words and memories and spans of time will be sufficient to awe the new visitors into treating my archives respectfully. up to the early part of 2008 (before doingthekiwi) are pretty sweet. in any case.

i'm still pretending we're out there somewhere.

if i really loved my brother and sister,
i would practice putting their needs before my own.

Chambers says,

Do you have even the slightest reliance on anything or anyone other than God? Is there a remnant of reliance left on any natural quality within you, or on any particular set of circumstances? Are you relying on yourself in any manner whatsoever regarding this new proposal or plan which God has placed before you? Will you examine yourself by asking these probing questions?

0nce again, i stand condemned.

for praise that is pure

yet i am a witness against myself.


*

but You call me to be faithful till the end.

it's so different

from two years ago, when i was glad to be home. and also from december 2005, when i first came back from chiang mai.

"You see... when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:6-8 (NIV)

To ponder over this tonight.