i saw leon at the canteen just now, while durian lunching with ben. i haven't seen him for a couple of years now, i think.
we talked for awhile, we talked well.
i thought maybe we would exchange email addresses, facebook contacts, something, anything to go on talking, but we did not. i did not ask, nor he.
but he brought back memories. memories of what happened in early 2004; a photo of which begins this place, actually. we were 16, 17 then. memories of who i was. i thought big. as in, size-big. i was smart, i knew i was smart, i had the energy to pursue my smarts.
i threw out that energy after the As.
i'm still smart, i know i am. i just (just? as if it was so inconsequential) stopped making any effort to pursue my smarts. to join any thing, be a leader of any where.
sometimes, i think about it. rarely, but i do. where my passion went to. why it's been reduced to little bits of loving people. (yet, having my passion concentrated on nothing but people, these little bits, has resulted in my being able to love them greater. my little bits are more than what most people can give.) why i'm here in nus, my greatest achievement being in usp (and a bum one at that), while the rest of our group has gone onto med school, meetings, networking- in other words, passion, passion, and more passion. Or, energy, energy and yet more energy. why the subjects of my comsummation are trifles, compared to their burdens.
leon was visibly disappointed at the way i've turned out. haha. and he has every right to be. he knew who i was, back then. all the promise and potential. gosh, the world thinks i'm a current failure. i didn't/haven't materialised all that i ought to have been, so now those who have met me within the past three years have no idea.
i feel a little like one of those once-great wizards of old, who got broken and then retired to the mountains for the rest of their lives, living like a simple fool amongst the scornful, retricient villagers who would never have imagined that the village storyteller was once bromir the great.
hmm. not bad.
well.
we'll see. wrinkles can be stitched up, you know.
1 comment:
Ah the sighings of a great heavy heart.. Dun know too well what the smarts mean (i know where the smarties went, in me stomach and u aint having none of em[excuse me, its late and i kinda change hehs])..
But yups, i'd say look where you've gone instead.. I do believe everyone has the potential, mayb not all towards doin the same thing, but definitely potential, and if you've used your 'powers' wisely, whats the world to say what you should take pleasure in? If i wanna bum let me bum.. :>
Not that you're bumming of cos, and i'm quite sure u dun need help seeing what your labours have accomplished.. What do networks bring? Acquaintances or friends? Its not easy to love people, so mayb thats where the smarts went.. Smarties still with me, i'm not sharing.. hneh? :>
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