retail therapy

so a certain friend of mine needed a companion while he embarked on a mission to cheer himself up after a bad bad day.

maybe it was because of our conversation in the cab on our way to town that got me sombre. Remembering is a heavy load to bear, sometimes. As we stepped into the walls of a certain marble- the contrast between the time when my life was normal, before the change came, and my life now, is/was so stark, so plain so suddenly it was a shock of sorts. I was taken aback, suprised. Memories just forced themselves, ripped one after another into my consciousness. In a single breath I'd re-constructed my entire shopping life, from infancy to present death. Amazing how the mind can cover so many years in a split second. Not just a second, but one that is split. Remembering the years when town was known like the back of my hand. Tonight, as I played tour guide, I yanked the dusty, rusted memories from where they had been buried under the current events of my life with all my strength

"U2?-"
"- this way"
" nike's downstairs-"
"-we need to go to the other wing"

Remembering a past life that strode the walkways of wisma, takashimaya, paragon, heeren and the rest with the easy confidence of a shopper. I type that word with some bitter amusement. I can't call myself even a shopper now. well. I now know that retail therapy's a lovely phrase for those who have. I'd hoped, even during these months, that I might have been still one of them.. perhaps not. I'm acutely conscious of certain facts. Society and culture has drilled me well; I know the social stratification, I can apply.

It's somewhat painful to dwell on the differences. It was a soft heartache tonight as I alternated between the two selves, the present one who was solely intent on being the best company I could be, and the sudden slips back to my old self who knew exactly what to order from bakerzinn, and knew when a new shop had opened on which floor and. more. You see. It's as though a part of my Self has been frozen since the change came. Inevitable then, that as this part came back to life tonight, it saw with naked eyes what I have lost, and the loneliness of it all.