chocolate

even when it's obvious enough that what you've gotten into isn't worth the amount you're feeling, that things are ridiculously improportionate and that anyone with an ounce of sense would know that you should be completely ambivalent about it anyway, except-
sometimes, it doesn't work that way. so that the phrase "you should be completely ambivalent about it anyway" is false, the operative word has tricked you and swopped positions. 'Anyway', broken into the morphemes (a) any, and (b) way, do somewhat add up to mean 'in any way'. That in whatsoever situation or "way", I ought to be completely ambivalent. I've been tricked, I cry again. The operative words are 'should be', and the parchment filled with clauses fooled me.
Or maybe it's in the phrase before "that anyone with an ounce of sense". and I wish with all my head that I am sensible, that I can say as gibly as you do, that "if you don't mind, it doesn't matter", that I am so full of sense control can never be mastered out of me, at least not before the head assents. As it is, I've not got very much to cling on to, besides the fact that I had made the decision when I was still clear-headed, now that my senses fool me, I have to stay with it still.
Why did this happen? There's nothing sensible about it. There's no reason. Besides, perhaps, the chilli tequila. That, and a night of korean rice wine that adds no flavour to ribena.
I hate being alone.

This is one of the posts that will probably stay for a day or two, and then will be saved as a draft again, until maybe, many months later, I'm looking at my archives and go, here. this post, and this post, can be put up once more.