after a month...

So how does one announce one's return? A triumphant trumpet blare that rings from our speakers, sending vibrations throughout the room? Perhaps not.. I'm not in the business of Vibrations. Yet a sudden jack-in-a-box post might just get readers feeling vagely disturbed. how abrupt. Humans, funnily enough, need preparation in everything. she ought to have done- something. an introduction. A Time And Place For Everything. and introductions have their Time And Place too. Hopefully this was introduction enough. :)

I'm back! haha. I left because I realised I was starting to pander more to my [hopefully not] imaginary audience and less to me; maybe too little. and so I wanted to reclaim myself. Reinstate my ownership, so to speak. That listen up all of you this was supposed to be a little space in the virtual world for My opinions, My theories, My life and how I see it....

heh.

So, dear readers and posties, wondering how I spent the last month? Did I hermit myself? Well to be completely honest, I didn't. Not really. grin. Created another blog. One that no one will ever know... where I had complete freedom to be as boring as I wanted, as painful, as personal, as real and as alien as I needed. I would recommand this to everyone. It's really quite liberating. I wrote on pieces of paper too.. that kept them so that I would put them up one day soon. Yes I thought of my blog... visited it almost every day in fact. Much thanks to those who commented in my last post. People love me. yayy.

This is what I wrote the first time I picked up a pen with the intention of writing to post...

"Dear me.
I have been writing to myself more frequently now. The past two weeks of no communication was killing. It fet more like two months. It's true, everything's a matter of perception. Well now I'm writing and I feel happy. That I can write again. At first it was because I felt like I had nothing worth writing about. Then it was because I couldn't. I mean I still don't but at least the itch has returned. It was rather horrible, not wanting to write..."

[I won't post the next paragrah. It was terrible and showed a total unsophistication of thought. argh.]

"... I'm sitting here in a stuffy classroom graced with only three malay girls. They're doing their lit paper and as I look out of the window grills into the next block of classrooms it appears similarly empty and deserted. It's a rather forsaken feeling, I suppose. A hot wind ruffles my hair slightly. The students have about half an hour left. Half an hour for me to get reaquainted with myself. It's strange how one can leave one's Self alone for awhile, walk away, thinking that it's alright because one's in a period of stasis anyway and if one doesn't change, one's self ought not to. But I guess it works differently. My Self seems almost independent of me; I pop back to look in how it is after a mere fortnight and volia, we feel like strangers already.
Or maybe I have forgotten my Self. Maybe it has been cowering at the spot I left it for two weeks, thinking it'd been abandoned and wondering miserably if I'd ever retun.

So while the the empty shell of me walked jauntily along the streets, Self shrank away from the world and it's terrifying unknown dangers.

Big eyes [through which simply volumes of pure innocence stared out- I'd like to think], trembling, quivering with terror. Like the young child who finds itself lost in a busy shopping centre and runs behind a little Suzy and her dog statue with the words SPCA painted on the bottom and a coin box attached to the dog's collar for donations [if it got too heavy, would the weight break the dog's neck? would that be animal abuse then?], squatting down, too overwhelmed to create a sound, a noise, anything to alert bad strangers, peering out from its refuge now and then, even though it knows that by doing so it becomes visible. Torn between a conflict to hide thyself from the evil ones and amonomity, yet needing to know for itself where mommy is.

But well. I don't think my theory is that far fatched. I mean, people do create masks for themselves, don't they? Masquerading behind a concocted image. What does their natural Self do in the mean time? See. I might not be so far-fetched after all.
But I'd like to assure mySelf that I've been me the past two week, albeit a little hollow, a little tired, but I have ben myself."

I'm back.