writing

It's been quite some time since I last wrote. Been planning to, having topics buzzing around in my head as I walk along the streets, blogging in my head and imagining readers and posties [there's a difference] reacting. Oddly enough, the topics have now either whizzed off from my head, floating around the street I last left them on, or don't seem all that important now. haha. Like the one I wanted to write about- shopping. I still think I shop too much. But what to do, bargains are so alluring. And they hunt me down, I swear they do. Everywhere I walk I see up to 70% sales. 70% is the magic number I tell you... I can get clothes for wonderful prices. gloat.


So I shall write whatever I want to, unrestrained. Which is more enjoyable, and to me one of the more pertinent reasons for this blog. [the word "blog" still tastes strange though. it doesn't seem to fit. too.. common.] Did I spell pertinent right? heh. In bpgh [where I'm teaching now], the kids can't seem to reconcile the idea of an english teacher not being able to spell. sillies. I tell them I got my As, and they laugh. ohwell.

thinks a little while.

I was telling al the other day that this is the life I like. I'm teaching with gwen [and I like gwen which makes it even more fun] and yeah. it's amazing. I don't have to do lesson plans or muck around as a teacher-in-charge of any ECAs [I think CCA looks and sounds ugly] so I spend my free periods in the library, burrowing myself in books. Bliss. After school I meet people I like and spend time with them. No worries. No pressure. It's just so... perfect it's surreal.
Of course I have little bouts of unease, like small tiny dark clouds looming over the horizon. But they are understanable problems to have. Like punishments that fit the crime. No empty cupboards where one wanders around forever not knowing what one did but being punished for it nonetheless. No child's bewilderment or anxiety. Uni, for one. All the applications. I've been hearing all sorts of things and they all sound so complicated. Trust me, nothing stresses me more than doing complicated things I don't understand and have no control over. And then there's uni itself. In like just 4 months [ever since the As ended], all thoughts of competition is gone. My competitive nature went out very long ago actually. At the end of secondary school maybe. JC was just a bluff. Where I scared everyone with my agressive nature and intimidating ways. Apparently. I don't really remember much of school life. It takes too much energy. I have become, I realise, passive. My world's chumpy when my friends are happy. Chumpy's a word I made up. It means pretty much perfect.
So now passive chumpy me has to deal with choices. I am, as some people might know, not too good with choices. hmmm. Having to muster up the energy to make decisions. hmmm. tough.

I remember not so long ago being the exact opposite. I welcomed uncertainty; it was an opportunity to test and assert myself. [Actually, if I could pump myself up, it might still sound fun.] I wonder the catalyst that caused the change. Was it gradual? A barely noticeable winding down? Or a snap so fast I completely missed? Whatever it was, it was definitely subtle. hah.
Pray tell, muse, will my zest and zeal return? Will I start commanding my own destiny, charting my own waters? Surely not. Destiny and waters are no longer my right. I have given them to my master. He will decide. Is this the reason why? That the change was caused by no enzyme, but rather, was a side-effect of a greater drug?

Honestly, all I want to be is a happily married wife with an oven. Let the husband take care of the boring things; I will stay at home and bake cookies for him. He will eat and be chumpy with me. I think it's ideal.

In the meantime, green grass grin and beans beam.

I wonder where ten years will find me, find all of us. How will we have changed? Or maybe, ten years is too short a time. I mean, look, at the end of my first ten years of life I was barely half done with primary school.
I will be twenty nine in ten years. So will most of you. Be around there anyway. What will you have done with your life?
Where's the purpose and meaning in it?


The lazy sunday afternoon air is ripe for siesta. I think siesta is the perfect word to describe afternoon naps. It has spanish origins, I believe. In any case, I am becoming even more expansive and indulgent that I am normally. Perhaps my musing is influenced likewise. Any of you getting bored yet?

Heaves herself upright.

Yicong asked us to meet him in town earlier. Maybe if I rush the applications I can meet them. I would like that.
Life is good now. Thank God.

A gradual barely noticeable perceptible winding down...