I’m sorry I spoilt the phone. I didn’t mean to. Why do you keep harping on the fact that I didn’t finish drinking the water before leaving it there? I forgot there was water inside my cup and upset the water.

But I like to drink my water at my own pace, not at one sitting. I’ll finish it eventually.. Why is it a crime?

I’m sorry I spoilt the phone. I’m sorry. I know the repair guys won’t repair it now even though it’s less than a week old. Water isn’t covered under warranty. You told me all this.

Don’t you know the $150 that was my gift last month on the second Sunday of June was merely to assuage my guilt? Guilt that you’d spent so much money on the new phone. I love you so much and I don’t know why you do this to me.

I’m sorry I leave things lying around, I forget to turn off the main switch after using the computer and I’m sorry I asked you to “turn on” the telly instead of “switch[ing]” it on. You’ve never corrected me in my English before and it hurt me so much that you did because the one who corrects me in my English isn’t you. It’s your other half who was the English teacher, who made me spell “biscuit” before I was in primary school and made me cry. I came running to you and you told me it was for my own good. But you never corrected me, and always laughed about how you took your lit exam without reading the book. What’s going on now?

I don’t know why I keep forgetting to do all the little little things, I’m not offering any excuses. I wish I was the perfect daughter too. At night when I say I love you before I sleep I wonder if you think it’s only words. It isn’t I do love you.
I’m sorry I can’t meet your standards. I’m not offering any excuses.

I could empty my bank account for you, the one that I saved all by myself if you wanted me to, if it’d make you feel better, if you’d love me more. I know you love me still but it doesn’t feel that way. But I don’t know. Would you’d rather have me obedient than have money. Obedient, of course. But I’m trying already and it doesn’t seem to work so maybe you’ll accept money to make up for my mistakes.

If the computer wasn’t situated in the hall I’d be crying now.

The words look so empty and meaningless on the screen but there must be a reason why there’s this pain inside me. Maybe it’s the pain of it being my fault. Don’t you get it? Yes you do. You know that it’s my fault. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry!

The phone’s coming back tomorrow and you said that if they didn’t repair it, it might as well be thrown away. Do you know how much it hurt when you said that? It’s my fault I spoilt the phone and I’m so afraid that there’s nothing I can do that will make up for it. I know money’s hard to come by and your business not doing well with this economy and nat’s school fees are astronomical. I know all this. Did you think I was blind? Why did you tell mom to give me less money so that I’d be more thrifty? Just because I splurge on you two doesn’t mean I don’t go without somewhere else.

I wish I could tell you all this. I know in your way you love me so much and there’s nothing you wouldn’t give me if you could. I know the proportion of money you spend on me probably exceeds anyone else in the family because you spoil me in your quiet unnoticed way. I know there are sacrifices you made that I was too blind to see but what I do see I know. I’m sorry that I can’t do the little you ask me.

It’s too late I’m crying now. I hope. you won’t hear the sniffles from behind you. I’m wiping away the tears.. so maybe when mom walks past she won’t notice anything.
You’re talking with mom now and you sound perfectly fine. I think you are. I hope you are because if you were quiet it’d mean that you’re upset and then I’d be even more wrecked than I am now.

I’ll put this up on my blog not because I want anyone to think you’re a bad daddy. In fact, I’d never ever speak to anyone who thinks you are because anyone who can’t see how magnificent you are doesn’t deserve to be spoken to. Did you know that I wanted to write an “ode to daddy” on my blog but didn’t have the time to? I’m sorry that it turned out this way. I just needed an avenue to let it out. I don’t care what anyone’s going to think of me after reading this but they’d better think highly of you still.

Goodnight papa. It’s midnight. I have my final paper tomorrow. And. The phone’s coming back too.

I love you.