pretty painted nails.

met the netballers tonight at clarke quay, where we talked and laughed.
we also finally settled for sure, how far each of us had went.

i feel weird, recalling this earlier evening where i divulged events that i have since come to regard as having happened in a past life. not past life as in the reincarnation sense (seeing how i believe myself very much in this same life and have been for the past 22 years), but past life in that a life i've turned my back on, and walked purposefully away.

so maybe i went to so many bases. and maybe i still did even recently. but if i've given up the batting life, does that mean my past sins still count? (not, that they were considered as such by the others.)
i don't think they do, seeing how the promise of a turning away, is a slate counted clean. and i know and can feel the change. my lifesong now sings it higher, better, brighter.

maybe what i'm feeling is discomfort. spilling details, even basic information, felt horridly distasteful. i kind of felt like i was gossiping over someone else. it really didn't feel nice.

well anyway i'm really tired. if i can recall any other points i'll come back and edit this.

//edited.
oh i remember now. i wanted to wonder aloud, if i should drop away and move off. but i don't think i should.

the heart and (some of) its feelings

inside

it still hurts so much, and i don't know what to do.

i really, really wish i had someone i could turn to.

that we weren't alone. in each of our various troubles.

why i want to be back with gina

i guess i'm more concerned about whether a church stands for peace,
justice, reconciliation, redemption, and love for one another. how this is
expressed overflows to ppl in the church as well as to the community outside. if
cultural worldviews clash, you will need to be sensitive in how to challenge
that.
we can do our homework with regard to leviticus, before scriptures get
minquoted from various parts of the bible.

because no one else does it like she

i swear

1. Put your iTunes/Napster/Zune Player/WinAmp/etc on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. Write down the phrase you hear
4. Tag 10 or more friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got it from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Here I am send me.
(wtc)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
When I fell to the dust

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Open my eyes open my eyes open my eyes
(HAHAHA)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Search me
(enigma ttm!)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Here I am

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Majesty
(hehehe)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Forgiven so that I can forgive

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Knowing that I'm Your desire

WHAT IS 2+2?
Scantified by glory and fire

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Since You laid down Your life

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
The greatest sacrifice

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Hosanna in the highest

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
I see a generation
(feeling quite grandmotherly here)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
I see a near revival
(HAHHAA)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
We're on our knees
(I'm not that bad a daughter! honestly!)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Eternity

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Take- take- take it all! Take- take- take it all!
(haha i don't suppose anyone wants my remains as a souvenier)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Everlasting
(i guess you could say that... let's hear it for His kingdom (: )

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
To love you from the inside out (:

WHAT´S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
You're altogether lovely
(I sense a jealous streak here..)


WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
I'll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross.
(ouch. but imagine, if i did know, how much my life would be transformed)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Oh I could be the man who grows old with you
(wah lao i sound like some disgruntled bitter spinster)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
The one that you love
(what the crap??)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Making love out of nothing at all
(??)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Making love out of nothing at all
(I have a repeat song here. but still.)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Lonely
(HAHAHAHAHHA)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
If I ain't got you
(sigh)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
I swear
(those words bring back too many gray, sad memories. if promises believed on, then forgotten by the promiser)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
I swear
(another repeat!)

off for camp.

such a different feeling from the previous years. i stumbled across a post; i think it's quite fitting. the voice from that time is calm and assured, secure in her knowledge that there is worth even in unsteady- and uneasiness, and it's the way these are lived, that counts.

i will remember grace, and strive to live a life that is bigger than i am.

because it seems an energy saving practice.

Today at 3:35pm
hullooo. i have a couple of hours before i have to start packing, so i thought i'd reply to you. it's a lazy sunday afternoon, and i am basically resting.

i'm kind of feeling too old for camps now, freelance or church camp or whatever. this one's church youth camp by the way.. there'll be overnight walks and stuff; i'm like, telling everyone that i'm too old for it. =Pp innotrek (the company i freelance at) has a camp during the first week of january for five days.. it'll be $300ish to earn, but i'm like, FIVE days of outdoor life. of.. having to match their energy level AND beat that, of talking and talking and talking, to entertain them, teach them... sleep late, wake up early, do chores and duties, andddddddd worse of all, deal with company politics. that's by far the worst. i hate politics. i don' really want to go, but the money will be useful in covering my mountain trip. did you know? i'll be climbing mt kinabalu in the 2nd week of january. go check out mt kinabalu on the map or sth hurrr. the cost will go up to $500 i think. so, yeah. =/

your hair looks like a st bernard.

i haven't really taken anything out from my luggage.. yuppppp, i haven't unpacked. sigh. i've been clearing out my clothes though. well i gave away like maybe 15% of my clothes but ermmm my mom got me heaps more while i was away SO there's effectively barely any difference. oh man. so terrible. i feel so ineffectual =((
so anyway no, i haven't touched the paua nor seen it- but i do think of that bag, and esp how they look like. thanks so much for lacquering and drilling holes into them. when i get down to settling my life's goods once more, i will examine them and i have no doubt i will be touched. i already am. (:

and are BOTH the twins going to hk! that is so uncool (from my point of view). okay fine i'll confess that if they don't come to singapore i don't really care where they go (as long as it's close to singapore. but then they might as well come to singapore then arghhh). you know what i mean right.

haha yay thanks for being proud of me. that's like, a super thing to say.

and i wouldn't know how to react if the twins saw you as their sister.
they are suchhhh lauyapoks at keeping in touch. i've given up on them.

erm i'm going to msia once for a family trip, and second time with a couple of mates. i don't know why, it's not like we always to over the causeway or sth but i just came back i'm entitled to do that. hah.

sigh. i'm super tired. i have been since i came back. i'm going to shower and nap, and then pack for camp. everything's so draining.. i seem to have lost all my energy.

is it always with a sense of betrayal?

my parents are so delighted, so gloriously happy, and i am unable to reciprocrate.

i feel like a traitor, for missing the mountains.

you can't have everything

you can't have everything

3:07amRachel
i didn't want those guys in singapore

3:07amAlethia
just because things won't work out... you can't "just try anyway" kind of thing

3:07amRachel
not try anyway
but
just be special friends

3:07amAlethia
it's mixed feelings
rachel... i talked to you about this before
guy friends and girl friends are different

3:08amRachel
really?

3:08amAlethia
yes

3:08amRachel
what did we say?
or you

3:08amAlethia
i said you can't treat guy and girl friends the same...
it's different
God made us different
you can't expect us to be the same type of friends

3:09amRachel
OH
i remeber this conversation now

3:09amAlethia
you can't just expect to be special friends because along the way... there will definitely have some hormones thrown in
yes
thank you

3:09amRachel
=p
i need reminders!
sigh
AL
I WANT TO MATTER TO HIM

3:09amAlethia
well i'm reminding you now
and you matter to him but just as a friend
nothing more
you cannot expect more

3:10amRachel
oh al
thanks for your words
which hurt
but are truthful
i cannot expect more

3:10amAlethia
sorry
i know they hurt

3:11amRachel
sigh

3:11amAlethia
but... i don't want you to get hurt later either if something really emotional happens later

3:11amRachel
but
it's the truth, so even if it hurts it's okay
sigh

3:11amAlethia
hey
don't worry

3:11amAlethia
in God's time k

3:11amRachel
i know

3:12amAlethia
some things cannot rush or be expected to come
just wait
and well... you have to try not to want to spend time with him too
besides... remember that you are leaving new zealand end of this year
don't want you to leave new zealand with all this emotional baggage k

3:13amRachel
sigh
it's hard now al =(
i think
because

3:13amAlethia
yeah i know

3:13amRachel
i kept thinking i deserved more from him

3:13amAlethia
yeah so you have to not think about him so much and expect things from him
that's how you will end up getting hurt
expectations that are not met will hurt you
so don't give yourself a reason to get hurt

3:14amRachel
OH MAN
=(

3:15amAlethia
so yeah... don't expect any relationship thing from a friendship
especially when you know a relationship will not blossom from the friendship
keep the friendship... don't push it to become a relationship
cos if it doesn't become a relationship, you will lose the friendship too... and you'll get more hurt then

the state of mourning

is over. because wayne got flowers to me, from singapore. :)

[i will put up photos soon, on my doingthekiwi account.]

i hereby delare-

a state of mourning, until i find a way to pass this module, or someone makes me forget this.


it's funny, that. today jason told us that during his german oral, he'd blanked out and forgot his words. and it was like his final exam. i felt sorry for him and bought him his favourite chocolate. and it cheered him up and he felt heaps better.

i wish i could do it for myself.

i got C for an essay, and i need a minimum of C+ if i'm to get MCs for exchange ))))):

Raghu says:
how many percent was the essay..
chel says:
30%
Raghu says:
cheh y u worry..
Raghu says:
we've done this b4..
Raghu says:
zhu is our guidin light n principle
chel says:
we have?
chel says:
what what
chel says:
tell me
Raghu says:
u noe i got B- for first essay right
Raghu says:
in the end come out with A..
Raghu says:
tats a huge ass jump
Raghu says:
from C to C+
Raghu says:
CONFIRM u will whack lah
Raghu says:
one aberration, one little bump in the rd isnt goin to do anything
chel says:
aw =)
Raghu says:
n tat was some arcane science shit
Raghu says:
this is english.. ur stuff.. i m sure a bunch of kiwis speakin funny isnt goin to damage ur grades..

_______________________________________

wasn't that sweet. *beams*
but. sigh. i handed up the other essay today (see post below). and if anything, i'm going to do worse for this one.

i don't know how. ): i'm so scared i'm going to fail, and then i'd have wasted a semester, and the effort. how ):

a hungry rachel does a cranky girl make

i would count today my jonah day, the one horrid[est] day per sem where every single thing seems to go wrong, most exasperatingly accompanied by angst within the self. angst within the self is hardest to deal with, i think.

this time, it's mostly arising from my assignment that's due this week, which i haven't started/been able to start on. this is the first and only assignment i'm getting stressed at, even if there are only 2 weeks of school (or 5 days in which i have to go to school) left. the assignment's from my ling322 module, and it's on phonology.

firstly, my phonology has never been my strong subject. and that's an understatment. secondly, this ling322 mod assumes aspects of phonetics i haven't learnt, because i haven't taken el2102 back in nus. how am i going to sit for an exam where half of it is on phonetics, and on phonetics i don't know?
but back to the assignment. i hope i have convinced that i am weak in said topic. that's part a. now, part b: it seems that there is only ONE book that is relevant. i made my request for the book last friday, but it still hasn't come. which is like, duuuude. i can't begin my assignment on TH-fronting in replacing f/v for the conventional pronunciation ending syllable.

maybe i should chill. i should be like, okay the one and only useful book isn't here. i can't start. therefore i should just read yet another postmodern novel and walk about in a daze after. but nooooo i didn't. what did i do? how did i spend my day?
1. went to school, and ABSOLUTELY WASTED MY TIME doing n.o.t.h.i.n.g. not even constructively reading postmodern fiction that might make me sound more intelligent. oh i remember what i did now, i spent Hours rearranging/editing photos taken yesterday, when adam and i went to the botanic gardens for tulip sunday.

argh.

i just want my assignment over and done with. i am willing to start now =(

other objects of offense: wet, cold and windy weather, such a polar change from yesterday's blue sky and pretty flowers. and alfredo darling was acting up somewhat. and and and- i am hungry. i hate being hungry. i have been so hungry today, even my usual supplies weren't enough and i have been hungry since an hour and 45 mins ago, and have to endure for another hour and a half.

dumb assignment. dumb.

feeling distinctly un-21, un adult, un caring, and completely sulky. m.eh.


as a postscript: i think my title was quite ungrammatical. hmmm.

forgive me

maybe it is charlotte bronte and jane austen proving too potent a mix, or else sad, sad music, with trembling voices and tears and violins- so vulnerable to its cry- or maybe
it's the stress of being here and wanting to be home but wanting to stay too and. and boys dear to me asking me if i don't think 'i should stay for a full year' and i still cannot understand how i am supposed to. to leave. and then. there's also you, you leaving/left/leaving/gone. you shouldn't go, you shouldn't. i don't know how much instability and tension

tonight words are failing me and my heart is seeking refuge
from the thoughts that are barraging across.