just wanted to think a bit more on the idea of treasures in jars of clay; gotten from an article whose link i've put a couple of posts down. it seems to me most powerful, the confounding picture of strength in weakeness. treasures in jars of clay; who would do that? who else but God, really, i suppose. the first level i really like (from 2 Corinthians 4:7-10) is how as we carry Jesus' death in our bodies His life is manifested in us. which sounds weird in a literal sense but thank God for spiritual understanding. as we live out His death (death to the self, obedience to the cross and so on), His life is made all the more evident in us, mayhaps like a tree that grows from the death of a seed. the imagery and promise of richness and life is good for the thirsting soul.

the second level extends from the individual into community: what the gospel must mean for humanity. knowing that Christ embraced the weak -and weakness- in passion, us having treasures in jars of clay are likewise called to live, finding His strength in our weakness.

speaking of waiting, look what arrived in the mail today (yes, the mail as in letterbox mail. because my friends love me so):

Clinging to God in Solitude
by Henri Nouwen

'When we enter into solitude to be with God alone, we quickly discover how dependent we are without the many distractions of our daily lives, we feel anxious and tense when nobody speaks to us, calls on us, or needs our help, we start feeling like nobodies.

Then we begin wonering whether we are useful, valuable, and significant. Our tendency is to leave this fearful solitude quickly and get busy again to reassure ourselves that we are "somebodies". But that is a temptation, because what makes us somebodies is not other people's responses to us but God's eternal love for us.

To claim the truth of ourselves we have to cling to our God in solitude as to the One who makes us who we are.'

Emphasis mine.

while this hasn't really been my experience (i do get out and go about, meeting people, working with projects etc), i think it captures the perspective that people tend to look through to me. often the questions they ask, 'what do you do?', 'so you haven't found a job?', 'when are you going to start working?', 'and until then..?', reflect the mindset that a jawb is my end goal, when really, there are goals to be appreciated and fulfilled in this time too. i remain really thankful that God has given me this space of x months (where x is a number only He knows) to rest, to expand, to be.

so let's end with the verse mary-ruth wrote:

"Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom

or the strong man boast of his strength

or the rich man boast of his riches.

But let him who boasts boast about this:

that he understands and knows me,

that I am the Lord,

who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth,

for in these I delight"

Jeremiah 9:23-24

v24 gives me the shivers man, and makes my heart expand.

last night, i dreamt of stairways and stairwells, sinister agents and secret meetings. it ended with a young taxi driver getting into trouble, and me running through unending alleys in a dark night.

i was looking at old posts, and realised i used to be terribly personal. these days i've switched over to ___ .

speaking of these days, it's been a wonderful few-many months, since may/july, however you want to mark the start point. and at the same time it strikes me more clearly than ever that singaporeans associate very strongly productivity with doing, in other words it's very hard for them to understand (if they do at all) that times of waiting can also be-and has been for me- times of productivity. and i'm never very good at explaining myself anyway so invariably they leave with the same ideas they came with. oops and bleah, unambiguous sign that yours truly must never sign for miss universe. hmm but seriously, there are some kind of questions/inquiries that leave me dumb.

in any case, i wonder when this happy time will end. it has to, ultimately if i am to go on to the next phase and i've said what i have to to God, so it's alright. it's all good.

1) from chambers:

. . . someone said to Him, ’Lord, I will follow You wherever You go’ —Luke 9:57

Our Lord’s attitude toward this man was one of severe discouragement, “for He knew what was in man” (John 2:25). We would have said, “I can’t imagine why He lost the opportunity of winning that man! Imagine being so cold to him and turning him away so discouraged!” Never apologize for your Lord. The words of the Lord hurt and offend until there is nothing left to be hurt or offended. Jesus Christ had no tenderness whatsoever toward anything that was ultimately going to ruin a person in his service to God. Our Lord’s answers were not based on some whim or impulsive thought, but on the knowledge of “what was in man.” If the Spirit of God brings to your mind a word of the Lord that hurts you, you can be sure that there is something in you that He wants to hurt to the point of its death.

2) 'Journey of Questions':

'Followers of Jesus are called to this place of paradox. It is a place of difficult questions that often go unanswered, and where our earnest desire for immediate answers must be sacrificed as we place our trust in a loving Father. Indeed, the journey of faith is like the journey to Golgotha, for as we go forward in faith, "the questions get harder and harder because they not only stretch the mind they also call us to obedience. [For] the truth has not only to be appropriated, but also to be served".'

~

3) i went to this yesterday, and go back to it again today. only, if you've already gone to the previous article linked above, then to read both links in one sitting may be a bit of an overload! both are quite heavy duty. in this, carattini writes on treasures in jars of clay.

treasures in jars of clay

remembering last night's experience and conversation, Christ and the gospel are even more strongly counter-cultural. to the worldliness of the world, the message is even shocking. no wonder some embrace it and others recoil. the wonder and mystery of the Story!

arghh =/ =] =']

`
"As I write this, I am waiting for a bus on a busy corner in an extremely poor community in Central America, in which I lived for a year and have been visiting now for nine years. Most of the time, the tragedy of this place fades into the background of my thoughts, pushed there by familiarity, busyness, and the cheerfulness and resilience of the people who have welcomed me here. Nonetheless, it is evident that the joy many people here display is in clear defiance of the facts of their daily existence.

Sometimes, moments like this one come when I can no longer ignore these facts, and the sense of tragedy becomes overwhelming. I can see garbage strewn around me—plastic bags, empty bottles, crumpled wrappers, cigarettes—things discarded. Since it is located on the site of an old dump, garbage literally serves as the foundation of this mini-city, which is full of people discarded. I see a young girl walking towards school and I wonder if she shares the experience of so many other girls and young women here whose bodies are used, owned, or defaced. I see a boy whose swagger makes him look older and more confident than he probably is. As he joins the group of laughing older boys, I am aware of how likely his future is to be stolen by gangs and drugs. They are more lucrative ventures than most other job options that will be available to him—lucrative as long as he is alive, that is. Beside me is a woman selling tortillas and green mangoes. Like the innumerable other single moms in this community, she must choose between being with her children and feeding them. Even the dogs, whose ugly skeletal bodies manage to reproduce at obscene rates, join this dance of joy and threat, death and life that is ordinary living here.

From behind me, I hear an old man groan; he is struggling to stand up from where he is sitting against a wall. And it seems to me right now that I can hear in his groan the groaning of this whole place, and for that matter, the groaning of all creation that Paul spoke of in Romans as it waits for its redemption. The groaning of these hills, soaked with the blood of those murdered for a cell phone or a pair of shoes. The groaning of this river, polluted with chemicals and sewage. Holy groans. Like the groans of the people in Egyptian slavery that touched the ears and heart of God. Like the groans of the psalmist while his very bones wasted away. Like groans of the crucified One, bearing the weight of the whole world's pain. I want to groan too, because I don't have any words to speak. So I am thankful for the beautiful Spirit who joins the groaning, who takes my conflicted feelings of guilt and anger and love and intercedes for me with "groans that words could not express." Holy groans.

But now, I am struck by something else. I hear the voice of a little girl coming from around the corner, singing loudly and clearly a song I know well: "Oh love of God, how rich and pure, how measureless and strong, it will forevermore endure, the saints' and angels' song!"

Love of God, rich and pure, measureless and strong. In the middle of so much suffering, this can easily sound like the mockery of an indifferent universe. I am certain of one thing: it must either be a cruel joke or the deepest possible truth. It is easy for philosophers and theologians to debate the question of suffering when they are removed from its stark reality. However, it is a costly thing for those who suffer to speak of the love of God in the midst of their pain. That is why their voice carries the ring and force of truth. When it comes to questions of love and suffering, the voice of the smallest, the poorest, and the most vulnerable carries an authority far beyond that of philosophical treatises or the debates of the 'experts.' I have read many good books on this topic, and I have even tried to write about it myself. But I have never read anything that speaks so profoundly to life's deepest groans than the song of this child in this place. This song does not dismiss or deny our groaning, but assures us that we do not groan in an empty void, but in the midst of a universe whose truest reality is Love.

-

Rachel Tulloch is a member of the speaking team with Ravi Zacharias International Ministries in Toronto, Canada.

there was no form nor sound. the mould under the bushes, the moss on the path, and the little brick border, were not visibly changed. but they were changed. a boundary had been crossed. she had come into a world, or into a Person, or into the presence of a Person. somthing expectant, patient, inexorable, met her with no veil or protection between. in the closeness of that contact she perceived at once that the Director's words had been entirely misleading. this demand which now pressed upon her was not, even by analogy, like any other demand. it was the origin of all right demands and contained them. in its light you could understand them: but from them you could know nothing of it. there was nothing, and never had been anything, like this. yet also, everything had been like this: only by being like this had anything existed. in this height and depth and breadth the little idea of herself which she had hitherto called me dropped down and vanished, unfluttering, into bottomless distance, like a bird in space without air. the name me was the name of a being whose existence she had never suspected, a being that did not yet fully exist but which was demanded. it was a person (not the person she had thought) yet also a thing- a made thing, made to please Another and in Him to please all others- a thing being made at this very moment, without its choice, in a shape it had never dreamed of. and the making went on amidst a kind of splendour or sorrow or both, whereof she could not tell whether it was in the moulding hands or in the kneaded lump.


[here's theology for you. that search of spleandour.]

'that hideous strength', c.s. lewis

for remembering: http://fissions.wordpress.com/2010/09/10/473/#respond

*

anyway, i've been reading lewis' 'four loves', food for thought in every page but this one really struck me. i put it down not to pressure/unsubtlely hint to the male race, but because the Christ-like love is such a humbling love- 'the husband is the head of the wife just in so far as he is to her what Christ is to the Church. he is to love her as Christ loved the Church- read on- and gave his life for her (Ephesians 5:25). this headship, then, is most fully embodied not in the husband we should all wish to be but in him whose marriage is most like a crucifixion; whose wife receives most and gives least, is most unworthy of him, is- in her own mere nature- least lovable. for the Church has no beauty but what the Bridegroom gives her, he does not find, but makes her, lovely. the chrism of this terrible coronation is to be seen not in the joys of any man's marriage but in its sorrows, in the sickness and sufferings of a good wife or the fauls of a bad one, in his unwearying (never paraded) care or his inexhaustible forgiveness: forgiveness, not acquiescence. as Christ sees in the flawed, proud, fanatical or lukewarm Church on earth that Bride who will one day be without spot or wrinkle, and labours to produce the latter, so the husband whose headship is Christ-like (and he is allowed no other sort) never despairs. he is a King Cophetua who after twenty years still hopes that the beggar-girl will one day learn to speak the truth and wash behind her ears.'

mending relationships

hard to do qt these days.
feels a little like the calm after heavy rain, all's quiet now but that's just because the thunderstorm ran out of energy. things haven't really changed.
hoping it all gets better asap.

as far as a stuffed and sneezy brain can think-

hmm, i can think of some people who'd like reading this post (oops, linkaging) on the wonder of creation simply for pleasure. true that, insofar as it speaks up for enjoyment, appreciation and value just because it is.

don't despair of a complicated world; instead pray for true sight

"The world of souls is a mysterious place after all.
But where you see an eye of the kingdom, rejoice.
For God is near."
- petri to a traveller


and hmmm. on people with a past-
and we live as a people called both to remember and to be ready, for we look to the author of the entire story, who was and is and is to come.'

a return to the literary days

Psalm 42:11 reads: Why are thou cast down, O my soul? And why are thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God, for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countanence, and my God. It appears that in this passage, the realities of disorientation and fragmentation are faced by the psalmist, made more hopeless by the use of rhetoric. However, he then transcends the situation through an answer that comes from another source altogether.

Absurdity is made clear through the tension, hilighting the darkness of the situation. In the first two questions, the self is talking to the self- which brings about the question as to who then is talking to whom. There appears to be a separation of the senses, much like the postmodern despair today. The self is fragmented, and there is no need for coherence. There is no salvation, nor hope of it. Thus, there are potentially unanswerable state(s) of being. The psalmist recognises at least two states of being with him, perhaps the strong and weaker, or the senior to the subordinate. This hirerachy is brought out through the use of rhetoric, as the psalmist exercises his right to question unidirectionally. Yet, this hirerachy offers no answer, as both states of being appear quite hopeless. The psalmist has no answers, and therefore resorts to pleading with a soundless soul, while the other self is clearly morose. Thus, we have the clueless and the disheartened, one at odds with the other, and no sign of an answer.

However, and fortuntely, both states are eventually called to one Being. To the disheartened, God be hope. To the clueless, God be the answer. The fragmented self is incapable of providing an answer, no more able than a ripped shirt to sew itself together. The answer to the self and soul's call has therefore to come from another source, one that is whole. Even then, not just whole, but a whole source that has the power to heal beyond itself.

In Christ our various selves find an Integrator, and Redeemer of fallacies. We return to a dialogue with our Creator, and begin the process of healing. No wonder then the psalmist calls God "the health of my countanence". With such an understanding, we can with the psalmist question the soul's cause to be "cast down" or "disquieted" with a stirring answer. For God is still on His throne, He offers hope, He is worthy of praise.

last night i dreamt i was a girl soldier, entering the commando camp to run, but ended up playing netball :S

- hi world, guess what, it's august already. time must have pulled the rug underneath me sometime somewhere in march, april, may, because it sure doesn't feel like the year is entering the twilight phase. but august is when the silver starts, you know. then things start dying, and in december you either take a sigh, or lift your eyes to the skies.

- today i was reminded, daily sufficient grace. in a way it feels like the first half of 2010 didn't exist in 2010, or else 2010 consisted of jan-may, and now i'm somewhere in 2011, hi everyone i'm like, the new advanced, yo.

- my seasons have changed and it's no longer tied to semesters. i'm still drawing my map. recent significant lessons: telling God i want to know His love for me, and prayer. i think the two are intimately entwined.


- this morning i read many things i wrote a year, more than a year ago, the thoughts then, the lessons learnt. not the first time i've reread them, but somehow today i remembered what it was like writing them then, remembered the feelings that accompanied the words.


- and now, more lessons i think are coming; waiting, and patience, and trust. intimately entwined, again. waiting, waiting on Him whose timing is perfect; patience, patience with myself, i who tend to bam bam bam, checklists cleared, okay God, hi i'm ready, but clearly my God is not a respector of checklists and i will live day by day till He says, 'hi, you're ready'. it's okay.


- i think 2010's been such a liminal year, and will continue to be. much about this phase excites me (:

- poetic justice, in a slice of infinity. makes me want to sign up for any bgst/sbc courses on isaiah.

- currently: glad that the God of the Story is also the God of the mad fellas. i can think of two such, one overthinking and the other hopping around, but both seeking His direction and will- which gives me hope that for all the false starts and glorified messes, i'm going to learn things.

- to round off the dream: before i made it to camp, an attempted terrorist cart bomb ran into me and both of us into a high-security lab corridor off the wall of the mrt. i jumped off the cart and one of the scientists risked her life to unlock her lab door and pull me in, before the bomb exploded and the corridor shook. the girl terrorist died strangely, clearly, her frame still intact in the vibrations but her flesh made violet-ray for all to see through.

meme (:

qh, if you still drop by here this is the due citation thingy k, soon enough i'll drop you an email explaining that i've been away, got sick, lost weight, and only recently started visiting old word-places again. love, rach.

1) What's the connection between you and the last person that called you?
we share parents

2) Do you ever turn your cell phone off?
i don't know how to turn it off

3) What happened at 10.00am today?
people laughed, people cried, people died. someone was having lectures at paya lebar airbase also, possibly.

4) When did you last cry?
maybe china? on bus leaving jiu zhai gou; that was in june.

5) What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?
the only times i eat peanut butter is at strange camp games where they think pairing apples and peanut butter is really funny and make you eat it and you do because you want to be a sport for the people in your group; being relational makes you crazy sometimes.

6) What do you want in your life right now?
ooh, many things

7) Do you carry an umbrella when it rains, or just put up your hood?
http://doingthekiwi.wordpress.com/2009/11/21/peace-on-earthgood-will/

8) What's your favorite thing to have on your bed?
my down feather bolster that daddy gave me :)

9) What bottom are you wearing now?
pink boxer shorts with hearts all over it and a giant 86 emblazoned on the bottom left corner with PINKO in neon pink. oh, and it's brown bordered. i have girlfriends who like my shorts, punk.

10) What's the nicest text in your inbox say?
1 445 msgs in there, shan't play favourites.

11) Do you tend to make a relationship complicated?
it gets complicated when any party doesn't want to stick around and work out the nasty bits, i think. but i'm getting sleepy, and not much up for thinking anymore.

12) Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
nah

13) What was the last movie you caught?
Avatar. Plans for Inception and Despicable Me have been falling through quite spectecularly.

14) What are you proud of?
many things. the prettiness of sunlight falling on a field, the incredible blue of an afternoon sky, the delicate earrings my mommy bought me. i'm proud of God and His works like a daughter takes pride in her father, and gladly show the world evidence of my mother's love.

15) What does the oldest text message in your inbox say?
from ohjiamin, back in late june:
'Hi sweetie:) heard you are sick too, get well soon!<:'

16) What was the last song you sang out loud?
i need Thee every hour; family devotions (:

17) Do you have any nicknames? What are they?
i seem to collect monikers and labels like a stickerbook gets stickers, in other words, many sorts in many manners. i shall blatently ignore the second question on the grounds that it's one question per number, no 17 part one and 17 part two.

18) Who was your last message from?
hannah

19) What time did you go to bed last night?
3

20) Are you currently happy?
i will be when i've finished this.

21) Who gives you best advice?
no favourites

22) Do you eat whipped cream straight from the can?
i don't eat whipped cream.

23) Who did you talk on phone last night?
if it was after 2330hrs, does it count as last night?

24) Is anything bugging you right now?
trying to finish this quiz; i've been rolling the questions up and down a few times now.

25) What/Who was the last thing/person to make you laugh?
shermaine, i think, while we were planning our play-offs thing haha.

26) Do you wear toe socks?
nah

27) Who was the last person you missed a call from?
ref 1)

28) Have you ever had your heart broken?
-and crushed, bruised, lifted, healed, sheltered, nutured, forgiven, restored. loved.

29) What annoys you most in a person?
disrespect, i think.

30) Do you have a crush on anyone?
you earn the right to an answer if you ask me for valid reasons

31) Do you love your life?
yea

32) What is the colour of your room?
my walls are mostly white, my bedsheet is tribal. my rug is orange, is pink, is brown. my dresses are out. a bright purple flower, a gift from commencement, brightens a corner. i have a light brown bear, a blue crab, a green water bottle. a marks and spencer cereal box sits pretty on said dark red-based bed. i lie on my black bean bag and tell you these things, these colours.

33) Would you kill someone you hate for a billion dollars?
wow that's a pretty scary question. i hope not.

34) Do you believe in the saying "talk is cheap"?
i think that's quite an unaesthetic way of putting it, but the principle behind it, somewhat inclined to agree i suppose

35) Who was the last person to lay in your bed?
ref 1)

36) Who was the last person to hug you?
xuan xuan the baby cousin :)

37) Did anyone see the last person you kissed?
hneh? the semantics of this question are not worth considering. for the record it's abel, the babyier cousin.

38) Do you have a life?
a few hours ago someone told me i'm 'cool and happening and alive'. there you go.

39) Have you ever thought someone died, when they really didn't?
yea. i probably can't name anyone because i think they died again.

40) What is the reason behind your profile song?
what profile song?

41) Who was the last person you saw in your dream?
assuming i can remember the dream...

42) Last time you smiled?
who on earth thought of this question??

43) Have you changed this year?
yea

44) What are you listening to right now?
橄欖樹

like, i really am.

45) Are you talking to someone when you doing this?
nah

46) Do you walk with your eyes open or closed?
Open, unless i'm in china walking the streets of beijing and you tell me, 'let's play a game, let's walk with our eyes closed and see how far we go'. then i would trust you and walk with my eyes closed.

47) Is there a quote you live by?
nah

49) Have you ever played an instrument?
yea

50) What was the worst idea you've had in week?
i can think of a few i've done in my life, but i've been pretty tame these few weeks, or the last week, whichever time frame i'm being asked about.

51) What were you doing last night at 11.00pm?
i'm pretty sure i was washing my hair.

52) Are you happy with your love life right now?
define love

53) What song describes your love life?
define life

54) Does the person know that you like him/her?
define know

55) Who always make you laughs?
i've been looking at this question; i have to say its grammar scores a perfect record each time.

56) Do you speak languages other than English?
yea

57) Are you blond?
if my hair's black, i couldn't be blond right?

(haha)

58) What is your middle name?
some might say peachy (:

59) What are you doing tomorrow?
subject to thrilling possibilities

60) What do you think you are like?
i plead sleepiness

61) Who will you choose to die with?
maybe i'll opt to be buried with percy bear bear

62) Where have you been today?
to the moon and back.

63) What game do you play often?
pepsi cola one two three haha

64) Who are you missing right now?
i have a mongolia-shaped hole in my heart

65) If you've to choose between friends & love, who will you choose?
the question said If

66) What are you doing right now?
whipping up a soufflé, dancing to mozart's eine kleine nachtmusik, putting the finishing touches to my latest needlework.

well, eating a persimmon, actually.

67) Which primary school are(*were) you from?
you get to choose

68) Name 3 colours that you like.
i'm pretty cool with the spectrums that exist within the colour white

69) What emotion do you like to show?
the agreeable one

70) What is life to you?
Christ

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

- C.S. Lewis