love letter to you

Father dear, writing to You in a space that has become special over the years and i want to put this down, just for the record. i want to give You my special days (though, i only have one to call my own); i want to give You my every day.

i am thankful for You; You love me with a love that keeps me in wonder. this is how we know what love is- while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

⁷ For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—⁸ but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

(Romans 5)

You love me and make me new. i know i have a long way to go and there's so much more You have to work in and through me, to make me more like You and Yours, but for what has been wrought, i am thankful. i have always been thankful for the change You've made since year one. actually i sit here and really all i want to say is, i love You.

i love You because You loved me first. thank You, for loving me, and being patient with me. thank You for Your love that is tender and gentle; shy, yancey called it. a shy love that hides more than it reveals; restrains itself more than shoots through. it is mysterious and oftentimes i don't understand at all but-thank You for the lessons You teach me; mm and not just the lesson, but the journey too. i have learnt that Your ways are higher than mine, and infinitely good. thank You that i care at all.

i love You because in You there is hope. hope that makes even the ugliness around and within hopeful for redemption. the world may shout and shake its fist at You, demanding answers, and unhappily we Your Church has been wanting in truth and love. i reckon we'll have to answer for that during the great someday. but on Your part, sometimes the answers You give are not ones we are able to understand, and sometimes You do not care for answers at all. Be still and know that I am God, if we can't get this we won't get anything at all.

Father, i desire to be real. not shallow and flimsy but stedfast and true. i know there's still so very much more to go but for what's it worth, i do want You to be pleased with me. there's ugliness, no denying that but the whole point (and that's what makes it so precious) is, in You there is hope that the ugliness will transform- into something beautiful.

i want to spend the coming year with You; want to spend it knowing Your love, and loving You better. two weeks ago someone told me that to love You was to obey You- Lord, give the grace i will surely need. my heart is somewhat uneasy, fearful that i am too weak for You but Father, casting my mind back to remember, or else seeing the lives of those who love You more than i do, how may i say You are not worth everything i could ever offer?

So let me say, here and now, You are my first love and i am Yours. You bought me at a price incomparable and nothing else comes close. You love me most and You love me best. You know me- and yet You love me. Help me, Lord, to remember. and in remembering i will do, i will put my body where my soul is and my heart will follow, even in the dry seasons.

and in the dry seasons, still keep me, Lord. keep me for Your own name's sake and because You can. i can't. we both know that unfortunately well. i still don't understand why You won't just keep me from the ugly self but i know enough of You to know that You have Your ways and i will understand when i am through- or true. anyway, i have You! and Your love. maybe it's not a perfect me You want (as i understand perfection) but a me that loves You. and trusts You. and maybe You really do love me, flawed and messed up though i am, as i am. because i am Yours.

and one day, all things will be made new. and i will be perfect because- i will love You perfectly. and all that matters to me now, from hope of redemption to the little secret desires, will pass through the test of fire, and we'll see what stands. but no matter what, that day will be glorious, glorious, glorious, because creation will be whole once more. all that we've ever felt amiss, wrong, and unjust will be fulfilled, made right, and justified. forever.

and so- in the meantime, between that great someday and now, let me live each day working towards that reality. may i be disciplined in my every day; may my body live out what my soul believes, and my heart will follow, even in the dry seasons. help me to remember, Lord, and in remembering i will do.

i love You, Father.

-

You've made my heart to long for You

You set my mind on things above

You made my soul find rest in You

You are my song, You are my strength

i opened my inbox, intending to reply to a letter; it turned into a conversation instead. it's okay, that worked too. in whichever way it did, that is. but things go the way they do, or you could do a garfield and ask me not to tell life you're hiding behind the couch. i won't tell.

i want to watch the lord of the rings, the whole thing at one sitting. i want to take a boat ride out into the ocean. i want some retail therapy, some nightlight watching, some riverside sitting.

want some macha, some friends to be alright again.

oh! prawn fishing.

-

watch the waves lap against the boardwalk, black blanket of a night sky above.

night lights bright in the distance; do bobbing buoys glow as they float on water?

and hi, are you coming yet, if ever, at all, etc. i'm aware of the wait (unfortunately)

if you came now, i apologise in advance- the door's closed.

daddy closed the door because the man is smoking

am, at the moment, more than usually skeptical of adverts that promise fulfillment of potential, or dreams. or fulfillment of anything.