talking about eating humble pie; just swallowed my first one

engaging with prof and his povs of God is an exercise in difficulty, i find myself hardened with stock answers and thickened christian skin. in my struggle to reply i probably gave no response he hasn't heard before and the entire process was painful.

God give me authenticity.

and i can only pray

received mongolia gifts today.

they were each precious in their own way, from bayarmaa's news about the encroaching winter over there (although it would be spring by now) to photos that i am dealing very detachedly with at the moment; i can't afford to relieve memories still. i smiled especially at the newsletter, imagining shagai and barnabas working on the language. but realising one of the testimonies was written by chemee suddenly made the whole thing awfully personal.

many times i wish we kept in touch better, that language isn't a barrier. and by keeping in touch i mean that i wish there was some way to hear their voice, and see their selves; tall chemee and amaraa, bayarmaa and bujee, luunda- luunda and his mischiveous fellowship, dorka, dulu, iceman (enke?), uugna- to see them, hear their laughter, to run and play with them;

often its just jumbled voices and unexpressed longings in my head, pictures and still frames my mind still keeps and sometimes animates. and the memories are almost always green. such is the beauty of mongolia

how do we manage to wrap ourselves with dough layers between who we are and our memories, the soft barrier that keeps reality from cutting us too deeply. reality is the distance away from me and mongolia, fatality is how i don't miss new zealand anymore. we all learn to cope eventually, and die a little elsewhere. who i have been most immediately is emptied of mongolia.
and in so doing i have forsaken myself.

- the more i talk with godly people around me the more i see how unfit i am to be leading ifgbs. still, as gina said today, wisdom comes from making mistakes. i concede that at least sometimes it does. shall prepare myself to be eating much humble pie this sem then; already i have been. vcf is filled with people who silence me with their love, for God and for others.

- many things have been happening recently, am excited. especially over today; seeing gina and spending an afternoon with her was a very, very special treat and blessing from God. i shall count it as my birthday present from Him. :)

- there are things to do, and there are things to think about. the former are often about God, related stuff, funky ism. the latter have these days been about broken.ness; who i am, and the memories i have.

times unchanging

hidden in a room in eh, rain's started freefalling freewheeling;
wind comes through softly
a duvet around me
the tabletop glows

it's pretty much one of those days when you've got important stuff to do, like module plannings and various other major deadlines, but all you can think of is reading yancey and lucado on turbo and

how i hate goodbyes.

I heard the voice of the Lord, saying: ’Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?’ Then I said, ’Here am I! Send me’ —Isaiah 6:8

God did not direct His call to Isaiah— Isaiah overheard God saying, ". . . who will go for Us?". Also that the call of God is not just for a select few but for everyone. Whether I hear God’s call or not depends on the condition of my ears, and exactly what I hear depends upon my spiritual attitude. "Many are called, but few are chosen" (Matthew 22:14). That is, few prove that they are the chosen ones. The chosen ones are those who have come into a relationship with God through Jesus Christ and have had their spiritual condition changed and their ears opened. Then they hear "the voice of the Lord" continually asking, ". . . who will go for Us?" However, God doesn’t single out someone and say, "Now, you go." He did not force His will on Isaiah. Isaiah was in the presence of God, and he overheard the call. His response, performed in complete freedom, could only be to say, "Here am I! Send me."

Remove the thought from your mind of expecting God to come to force you or to plead with you. When our Lord called His disciples, He did it without irresistible pressure from the outside. The quiet, yet passionate, insistence of His "Follow Me" was spoken to men whose every sense was receptive (Matthew 4:19). If we will allow the Holy Spirit to bring us face to face with God, we too will hear what Isaiah heard-"the voice of the Lord." In perfect freedom we too will say, "Here am I! Send me."

My Utmost for His Highest

Sashimi buffet on thursday; I'm excited just thinking about it, yes i am. (:

(although, it'll be 3 days closer to seeing you go)

the failure of self-sufficiency

"And when He had spoken this, He said to him, ’Follow Me’ " (John 21:19). Three years earlier Jesus had said, "Follow Me" (Matthew 4:19), and Peter followed with no hesitation. The irresistible attraction of Jesus was upon him and he did not need the Holy Spirit to help him do it. Later he came to the place where he denied Jesus, and his heart broke. Then he received the Holy Spirit and Jesus said again, "Follow Me" (John 21:19). Now no one is in front of Peter except the Lord Jesus Christ. The first "Follow Me" was nothing mysterious; it was an external following. Jesus is now asking for an internal sacrifice and yielding (see John 21:18 ).

Between these two times Peter denied Jesus with oaths and curses (see Matthew 26:69-75). But then he came completely to the end of himself and all of his self-sufficiency. There was no part of himself he would ever rely on again. In his state of destitution, he was finally ready to receive all that the risen Lord had for him. ". . . He breathed on them, and said to them, ’Receive the Holy Spirit’ " (John 20:22 ). No matter what changes God has performed in you, never rely on them. Build only on a Person, the Lord Jesus Christ, and on the Spirit He gives.

All our promises and resolutions end in denial because we have no power to accomplish them. When we come to the end of ourselves, not just mentally but completely, we are able to "receive the Holy Spirit." "Receive the Holy Spirit "— the idea is that of invasion. There is now only One who directs the course of your life, the Lord Jesus Christ.

Oswald Chambers.

&.

hello, i'm back.