but then i'd only repeat myself

hello world, how do i say that i'm sad? that i am leaving for some time, and i am glad for the reasons i am leaving, to spend time with my brother, and to be part of the body of Christ in mongolia.



yet it seems that i will leave with a heavy heart. separation is not a happy event. i am sorry, and don't know if i did the right thing. part of me questions, maybe i should have let things go on for as long as they could have. if i could, i would have let things go on for as long as i could. i'm sorry for hurting, i don't know what else i could have done though.



i could go round in circles, but then i'd only repeat myself and who wants that.

coming by a place i was before

i had breakfast with hb earlier today, and now i am back for a bit, before i leave for town. mongolia visa. predecessors being carrot cake, soya bean and very chocolate ice cream. good stuff.

:do you plan to marry g?
: yes i plan to marry g.

not looking up, still creating chili art.
she tells me to get attached so i won't have any more problems. either that, or tell the world i'm lesbian.

mayboo says that once a year i get into the drama of heartstuff. i swear i don't remember it like that, that i am more rational but she says alethia's the elephant's cousin and that she is always right. idk about that.

i don't know what i'm saying, really. i guess it's been so long since i thought about love (romance? what?) that i'm clumsy in my thoughts, stumbling and awkward.

hb says that you're ready when you're independent.

maybe we can sit side by side in a coffee shop, our coffees and teas around us, and while you fidget i have the strength to look away.

but i don't think that's what she meant.

hello, is anyone else thinking overthinking?

i was planning to write on (dare i say it?) love, found that erica had beat me to it. but it's alright; she intellectualised it, i'm going to emotionavise it.

i don't know about love, i don't know about the love between a man and a woman. even the heart beating for another; it's been so long.

i think i'm afraid to love (a man). i love my girls. the sunday school girls, the duckies, the older (jc till 19) ones, my own girlfriends times many many. i love them unabashedly, i love them wholeheartedly. but loving a... guy? (yes i shield from the word man.)

a heart desiring another = desiring another's company = hope = expectations- and we all know that expectations are only pre-disappointments.
i don't think i can deal with disappointments.

i'll think about it a little more. for now, i'm tired. and there are many things on my calender. really, i know i say it all the time, but it's always true, and now it's truer than ever.

so long, farewell

meditations from chambers

On adversity-

We have to develop godly habits to express what God’s grace has done in us. It is not just a question of being saved from hell, but of being saved so that "the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body." And it is adversity that makes us exhibit His life in our mortal flesh. Is my life exhibiting the essence of the sweetness of the Son of God, or just the basic irritation of "myself" that I would have apart from Him? The only thing that will enable me to enjoy adversity is the acute sense of eagerness of allowing the life of the Son of God to evidence itself in me. No matter how difficult something may be, I must say, "Lord, I am delighted to obey You in this." Instantly, the Son of God will move to the forefront of my life, and will manifest in my body that which glorifies Him.

You must not debate. The moment you obey the light of God, His Son shines through you in that very adversity; but if you debate with God, you grieve His Spirit (see Ephesians 4:30 ). You must keep yourself in the proper condition to allow the life of the Son of God to be manifested in you, and you cannot keep yourself fit if you give way to self-pity. Our circumstances are the means God uses to exhibit just how wonderfully perfect and extraordinarily pure His Son is. Discovering a new way of manifesting the Son of God should make our heart beat with renewed excitement. It is one thing to choose adversity, and quite another to enter into adversity through the orchestrating of our circumstances by God’s sovereignty. And if God puts you into adversity, He is adequately sufficient to "supply all your need" ( Philippians 4:19 ).

Keep your soul properly conditioned to manifest the life of the Son of God. Never live on your memories of past experiences, but let the Word of God always be living and active in you.

i went running today. the last time i ran voluntarily was probably... when i was living in eusoff. which makes it at least two years. so i want to think why i ran.



i knew my feet were itchy, and while i have thought about running before, this time i desired to. i knew there were important things that happened today, but ohwell. i just ran la okay. pounded on asphalt for probably 3km. good pace, nearly killed myself. but really, good pace. for 3 km i can still pound asphalt quite well. :)) yay.

so anyway, tonight i am thinking over consistency.

*

chel says:
i'm wondering about the importance of a consistent life
cOnzcontrol. says:
erm...
cOnzcontrol. says:
why must you have a consistent life?
chel says:
exactly