"straaaaaaange things are happening to me.."
So warbles woody in toy story. You know the part where he's dumped in the box for the first time in his life? And he doesn't know what's going on, and he's, well, simply put, heart broken because his owner doesn't love him first anymore?
I kind of feel like that. No, I'm not an abandoned toy fighting for my owner's affections but, yeah, strange things are happening to me. Just got off the phone with one of my really good friends [at least, I think we're still really good friends, I'm not sure what to think anymore] and it wasn't a wonderful ladida yakyakyak conversation about shopping and boys [although we did do some of that. a little bit.]
She's overseas now you see, and while talking a lot about nothing I asked her if she'd remain a virgin till marriage. I definitely assumed she'd say yes. I mean, isn't the implications obvious? Sex is meant to be kept one-on-one for a reason. And it isn't just because one can get diseases without the proper precautions.
I assumed wrong.
My friend, the first friend I made in my secondary school, doesn't mind having sex before marriage.
Is it just me, or is having sex before marriage wrong?
I'm very....
I'm feeling pretty bummed out.
She claims that being in singapore, we're kept in a box and college over there has opened her eyes.
But why would thinking that sex before marriage is okay, be "enlightening"? [is my grammer still okay? I'm kind of messed up right now.]
So I said, sex is meant to be kept only after marriage bcz there are certain implications, both physical and emotional. Like, what if yr condom fails and you get pregnant? Asked her what she thought of abortion.
She thinks it's wrong, but to her, it's just a thought and it would depend on circumstances.
Why is abortion being taken so flippantly? It isn't just a thought! It's an issue that involves a life!
I wish I could have said that then. But to what end? She'd just argue some more. Being over there, I guess she thinks that...
I don't know. I won't be presumptious and assume I know what she thinks.
Because what I do know is.. discouraging. She's changing her values. Her character.
That's bad. Right?
Or am I supposed to leave her alone? And, let her be? It's her life... right?
[argh. It sounds so stupid when I write it out. ]
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Friday, December 24, 2004
Monday, December 20, 2004
OBS- Others Before Self
You know what when I wanted to write an entry this morning I got completely disorinentated because for some reason, blogger's homepage is in chinese! It's the same feeling I got when I arrived at OBS' hall a week ago and found out that half the participants were scholars. from China.
Outward Bound - Singapore.
It wasn't my first time going for obs; nor was it a longer period this time. [5 days] Therefore it seemed that there would be nothing special about it- just repititions so I went with a "let's see what I can get this time" attitude. Secondly, when I realised that PRC [people's republic of china] scholars were going for it too, my heart sank. I mean, hello? Some of them were wearing skirts! For obs! And you guys know me. I don't even buff my nails. Thus, to my own disadvantage [though I didn't realise it then], I judged them unfairly and felt that this time, obs would be a failure. Look. Firstly, it wasn't my first time. Secondly, I was stuck with these weird looking people who spoke chinese faster than I could sms on my phone and thirdly, I didn't get into the marine mobile course which seemed so much more fun.
The first day did nothing to alleviate my concerns. The scholars did nothing to help, spent an inordinately looong time in the showers and grumbled to themselves about their complexions turning dark. [Think of how tanned I am man.] All the things that we did, like the capsize drill and kayaking commands, I had learnt before. So being the stuck up, silly me that I am, I just went around with this superior attitude and insisted on getting the single kayak. I mean, hello? I was the only one in the watch with any kayaking experience. Why did that chinese guy want one too? Did he want to spend more time in the water than out of it? And shouldn't everyone know how to kayak? Good grief! I first kayaked when I was like what, 13 or 14?
This, is how incredibly snide I can get. I never said I was pretty inside. [The important thing is, do you guys still love me?]
Anyway. The second day was a turning point of sorts. We were supposed to go on a sea expedition with two other watches [groups] that would bring us inside the heart of pulau ubin [through the mangrove swamps], and would include carrying our kayak out of the water over a road to the other side, and climbing over a mud bank with our kayaks before paddling out into the open channel.
I was one of the four sea x leaders, with rebecca being the navigator. Things went quite uneventfully -justa few capsizes here and there- until we reached the sluice gate. By that time, you could tell that the prc scholars were dying like flies and there was more than two-thirds of the way to go. More importantly, the tide wasn't ebbing out, it was running and at the rate it was sinking, we would have to crawl in the mud before long.
I loved the idea and so did the other sea x leaders. I mean, crawling through mud? How many times do you get this man? But we asked the rest of them.
The singaporean camp was enthusiastic about it, but not all the scholars were. Going by majority, we had a slight win. Admittedly, I kind of twisted the argument a little and presented it in a very delightful way [which to me it was] but on that day, I learnt something very important.
It isn't just about me. It isn't about my fun. Forcing your interests over the welfare of others is a weakness, a sign of self-centeredness. Leadership isn't about being the best at what you do. I don't become a leader because I can kayak the best. I become a leader when I learn to put others before self. Paradoxically, I become a leader when I serve.
Got that when the four of us were discussing what to do. I was disappointed but Belinda [that's my instructor] told me to learn to focus on the positive and not on what I have so-called lost. And looking back, I'd rather have turned back than gone on because. I grew more inside by that decision.
That was tuesday. Wednesday was another eye-opener for me. We had to go on a land expedition! None of us knew we were going to trek 13-14 km in a single day with bags weighing more than 10kg -according to Belinda. Personally, I think they were closer to 20kg. Just a quick guide. 13-14km is roughly the distance from Bt Timah to Serangoon Gardens. If we had known what we were getting ourselves into...
But it was through this that my respect for the scholars started to grow. Wang An, one of the more outgoing ones, had really swollen eyes because they had been burnt by the sun *shudder*. But she shrugged it off and came along. I admire that kind of courage. In fact, at the last 5km or so, when I was dying inside, it was the scholars who were keeping the pace strong. I felt ashamed of my initial judgement.
On thursday, Pei Ying [not a scholar] came up to me and said she felt really bad. You know what I did? I just stared at her and said "ah... well, too bad?" That's how hard I have become inside. Not to offer comfort to someone.
You see, the thing about me is, I view physical weakness as something negative. That's why I hate falling ill. Give me a deep cut, a bad sprain, anything but sickness. I hate feeling slow and tired. And. well. I tend to look down on those who keep giving up. Those who fall down and say " I can't make it!". I retort " Have you even tried?"
Do you get what I mean? I'm telling you all this not because I like people judging me but because I want you to understand my journey during obs. Without knowing the best and worst of me, the story will be incomplete.
Anyhow, it turned out that she had a slight fever which I later got as well, having slept beside her the night before. So yeah. I got really pissed at myself for falling ill and later on during the night navigation [we had to trek at night], I was determined not to slow anyone down. Pei Ying, I must say, did admirably well. You know, when non-sportspeople do things that I can, I respect them because it wasn't easy and yet they did it. And then I vow to push myself even more.
Friday finally came. We had our group sharing, and a couple of us almost cried while recounting certain difficult moments. Felicia in particular said something which I didn't think of myself, but agreed with it very much anyway. She shared that she too had wanted to go on the marine mobile course because it was more fun, but looking back, she'd rather have taken this because she grew so much more. I definitely agree girl. I grew so much more too.
When I was my turn, I gave them a summarized version of this [there wasn't enough time] and told them honestly that I was ashamed of myself. It's hard to change old habits, but I'm going to try.
"Let me be a little kinder.
Let me be a little blinder,
to the fault of those around me.
Let me praise a little more.
Let me dream when I am weary,
just a little bit more cheery.
Think a little more of others
and a little less of me.
Let me be a little braver
when temptation bids me waver.
Let me strive a little harder
To be all that I should be.
Let me be a little meeker
with a brother who is weaker.
Let me think more of my neighbour
and a little less of me.
Let me dream when I am weary
Just a little bit more cheery.
Let me serve a little better
Those that I am striving for.
Let me be a little meeker
with a brother who is weaker.
Think a little more of others
and a little less of me."
Outward Bound - Singapore.
It wasn't my first time going for obs; nor was it a longer period this time. [5 days] Therefore it seemed that there would be nothing special about it- just repititions so I went with a "let's see what I can get this time" attitude. Secondly, when I realised that PRC [people's republic of china] scholars were going for it too, my heart sank. I mean, hello? Some of them were wearing skirts! For obs! And you guys know me. I don't even buff my nails. Thus, to my own disadvantage [though I didn't realise it then], I judged them unfairly and felt that this time, obs would be a failure. Look. Firstly, it wasn't my first time. Secondly, I was stuck with these weird looking people who spoke chinese faster than I could sms on my phone and thirdly, I didn't get into the marine mobile course which seemed so much more fun.
The first day did nothing to alleviate my concerns. The scholars did nothing to help, spent an inordinately looong time in the showers and grumbled to themselves about their complexions turning dark. [Think of how tanned I am man.] All the things that we did, like the capsize drill and kayaking commands, I had learnt before. So being the stuck up, silly me that I am, I just went around with this superior attitude and insisted on getting the single kayak. I mean, hello? I was the only one in the watch with any kayaking experience. Why did that chinese guy want one too? Did he want to spend more time in the water than out of it? And shouldn't everyone know how to kayak? Good grief! I first kayaked when I was like what, 13 or 14?
This, is how incredibly snide I can get. I never said I was pretty inside. [The important thing is, do you guys still love me?]
Anyway. The second day was a turning point of sorts. We were supposed to go on a sea expedition with two other watches [groups] that would bring us inside the heart of pulau ubin [through the mangrove swamps], and would include carrying our kayak out of the water over a road to the other side, and climbing over a mud bank with our kayaks before paddling out into the open channel.
I was one of the four sea x leaders, with rebecca being the navigator. Things went quite uneventfully -justa few capsizes here and there- until we reached the sluice gate. By that time, you could tell that the prc scholars were dying like flies and there was more than two-thirds of the way to go. More importantly, the tide wasn't ebbing out, it was running and at the rate it was sinking, we would have to crawl in the mud before long.
I loved the idea and so did the other sea x leaders. I mean, crawling through mud? How many times do you get this man? But we asked the rest of them.
The singaporean camp was enthusiastic about it, but not all the scholars were. Going by majority, we had a slight win. Admittedly, I kind of twisted the argument a little and presented it in a very delightful way [which to me it was] but on that day, I learnt something very important.
It isn't just about me. It isn't about my fun. Forcing your interests over the welfare of others is a weakness, a sign of self-centeredness. Leadership isn't about being the best at what you do. I don't become a leader because I can kayak the best. I become a leader when I learn to put others before self. Paradoxically, I become a leader when I serve.
Got that when the four of us were discussing what to do. I was disappointed but Belinda [that's my instructor] told me to learn to focus on the positive and not on what I have so-called lost. And looking back, I'd rather have turned back than gone on because. I grew more inside by that decision.
That was tuesday. Wednesday was another eye-opener for me. We had to go on a land expedition! None of us knew we were going to trek 13-14 km in a single day with bags weighing more than 10kg -according to Belinda. Personally, I think they were closer to 20kg. Just a quick guide. 13-14km is roughly the distance from Bt Timah to Serangoon Gardens. If we had known what we were getting ourselves into...
But it was through this that my respect for the scholars started to grow. Wang An, one of the more outgoing ones, had really swollen eyes because they had been burnt by the sun *shudder*. But she shrugged it off and came along. I admire that kind of courage. In fact, at the last 5km or so, when I was dying inside, it was the scholars who were keeping the pace strong. I felt ashamed of my initial judgement.
On thursday, Pei Ying [not a scholar] came up to me and said she felt really bad. You know what I did? I just stared at her and said "ah... well, too bad?" That's how hard I have become inside. Not to offer comfort to someone.
You see, the thing about me is, I view physical weakness as something negative. That's why I hate falling ill. Give me a deep cut, a bad sprain, anything but sickness. I hate feeling slow and tired. And. well. I tend to look down on those who keep giving up. Those who fall down and say " I can't make it!". I retort " Have you even tried?"
Do you get what I mean? I'm telling you all this not because I like people judging me but because I want you to understand my journey during obs. Without knowing the best and worst of me, the story will be incomplete.
Anyhow, it turned out that she had a slight fever which I later got as well, having slept beside her the night before. So yeah. I got really pissed at myself for falling ill and later on during the night navigation [we had to trek at night], I was determined not to slow anyone down. Pei Ying, I must say, did admirably well. You know, when non-sportspeople do things that I can, I respect them because it wasn't easy and yet they did it. And then I vow to push myself even more.
Friday finally came. We had our group sharing, and a couple of us almost cried while recounting certain difficult moments. Felicia in particular said something which I didn't think of myself, but agreed with it very much anyway. She shared that she too had wanted to go on the marine mobile course because it was more fun, but looking back, she'd rather have taken this because she grew so much more. I definitely agree girl. I grew so much more too.
When I was my turn, I gave them a summarized version of this [there wasn't enough time] and told them honestly that I was ashamed of myself. It's hard to change old habits, but I'm going to try.
"Let me be a little kinder.
Let me be a little blinder,
to the fault of those around me.
Let me praise a little more.
Let me dream when I am weary,
just a little bit more cheery.
Think a little more of others
and a little less of me.
Let me be a little braver
when temptation bids me waver.
Let me strive a little harder
To be all that I should be.
Let me be a little meeker
with a brother who is weaker.
Let me think more of my neighbour
and a little less of me.
Let me dream when I am weary
Just a little bit more cheery.
Let me serve a little better
Those that I am striving for.
Let me be a little meeker
with a brother who is weaker.
Think a little more of others
and a little less of me."
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