dear God,

what about the brokenness of the world?

In

two months.

-

spent the previous evening with maybs; we went down to little part cafe in a cab after she rescued my stranded self from a dripping bus stop, rach the bus is blocking us now, but you'll see a red cab swinging over so get ready to jump in and jump in i did. running bareheaded to shelter after i prove myself incompetent at working her gigantic umbrella, where's the button i can't find it, taxi uncle talking about heavy doors and locks in the background; i'm still not sure what he meant. we had a good time anyhow.

maybe one day i'll write that handbook

watching the olympians, thinking about their supporters 

it must be a long road, loving an olympic athlete. for months on end they are away from home, training and enduring demands that tax them physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. the supporter knows this, yet may do so little to lessen the struggle that must exist for growth. 

i wonder how they do it, i wonder what they do. surely they communicate with the other regularly, constantly. is twice a week enough? along with chats on gmail? 

as training intensifies and the pace increases, the athlete comes under greater pressure- now there are down days, doubting days; it gets harder to haul. the supporter feels it, and wonders what to do. 

caring that the athlete is straining is one thing, but it seems the only question whose answer matters is how the supporter may support in the way that matters. it appears there no handbooks on How To Heart Your Olympian In Ways That Matter. and google turns up no answers. (yes, i checked). 

i wonder how they support their olympian each step of the way, every time their athlete returns to his training ground, every heavy day. through the daily toil, illnesses that fret them more, when their loved ones tell them, 'i had a pretty rough day today'. what do they say then, to lift his weary head? 

-

this may be a one times challenging question- 

but i am going to find an answer.  

"yea; better to be completely honest and real, than to insist on the appearance of happiness, just for the sake of the end"

still learning the notes of redemption's song :]

i would like

- a holiday; it's been a long 7 months, work-wise.

- to go somewhere and see some beauty, breathe fresh air and remember that disorder and mismanagement are not the only things left in the world; that there is laughter and life and some sunshine still.

- some real solid food; cf hebrews 5.

[pause]

- to have recorded the conversation held in mandarin; 我们要必须进步, and all that.


- after-conversation pleasantness to last; all the way, through rough days, the nicest kind of perfume trailing drowsily, luxuriously. 

one of those days worth remembering

because we talked it through. we each came to the table struggling and in bad shape, but we opened our mouths and spoke our hearts.

because difficult issues were brought up and faced squarely, even if bringing them up was costly. and it means a lot to me that they were even brought up, and all the more so precisely because of their cost. that's in the first place. on top of this, is that we faced them- and we didn't break. 

another momentous day, another lesson in communication. several points i count as gems, because of the courage and partnership called for. 

it could have gone so wrong; it did begin so hurtfully. but now we end the day with minds clearer, and, bond stronger. it is one of those days worth remembering.

the scribe knew.

²⁸  And one of the scribes came up and ... seeing that he answered them well, asked him, “Which commandment is the most important of all?” ²⁹ Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. ³⁰ And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ ³¹  The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

³² And the scribe said to him, “You are right, Teacher. You have truly said that he is one, and there is no other besides him. ³³ And to love him with all the heart and with all the understanding and with all the strength, and to love one's neighbour as oneself, is much more than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices.” ³⁴ And when Jesus saw that he answered wisely, he said to him, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.”

still thinking

some general remarks

1) this website has changed its layout. i must register a measure of protest at the reinvention of the wheel.

2) tickets for chiang mai booked; i wonder what kind of relationship we'll have when we return. i presently categorise under pessimistic, but then i do think i have reason to be. unpleasantness just gets tiring after years, you know? i'd like to think that i'm loved somewhere, but every memory of recent interaction puts that to rest. i can't remember the last time we laughed together, or gave something better than politeness. this isn't the way it should be.

3) won't you please choose life? please choose life.

4) it's been a heavy heart within, thinking thoughts.

if pigs can fly

so can a lobstercrab. whoo

looking about right

- recently, legs swinging from a high chair at liat's starbucks, i learnt to form a heart from two straws. a few days later, i learnt something prettier still. at the moment i think i could sit in a room surrounded by straws and be quite happy.

- i have little things, like a dress of cupcake and jamie&the hot air balloon; tokens, or else bits of hope, like shards of glass that hold a rainbow within.

- i try, on top of the thoughts i'm mulling over, to be consistent. it seems to me one of the greatest mark of character, and in line with its worth, amongst the hardest. i fear it will be some time before i own consistency.

- next on the list is to have tolkien's trilogy sitting in my room. dum dum dumdumdum dumdumdum dumdumdum dumdumdum dumdum (repeat)

verb (used with object)

3.

to acknowledge or admit: to own a fault.

5.

to acknowledge as one's own; recognize as having full claim, authority, power, dominion, etc: He owned his child beforethe entire assembly. They owned the king as their lord.

till that great someday-

today, i too remember.

comp(f)ounded helicopters

munching on a mango, ears still hot despite water patting.

heads up, even if doors have to be swanned, classes sound horribly intimidating, the phone isn't all that there and nice+cheap chinese somehow became $22 italian fish and chips- things will settle down in a week or two and more importantly, them challenges, once faced, have a way of shrinking from size-overwhelming to size-doable. (it'd be nice if that worked for dresses too.) heads up also because there's a certain ritual at nights that resizes stresses and worries into their proper place as we commune with the One who says be still and know that I am God; Him who is able to keep us from falling. things are never quite the same after meeting with Him.

and then, we've got what He's given us, a whole range, from hope (glorious hope), to 50 packets of dilmah, 100g, without sugar. never mind that the chocolate was eaten in ten minutes, and the soup didn't fare much better.

tea will be drunk in the mornings, assignments and to-do lists (given by God or earthly superiors) will be gotten through- and gotten through well-, and even if lines have to be repeated/i'm sorry what did you say? i didn't quite catch that-

we'll take everything with humour in our pockets, in our stride, and in Christ.

-

week by week it is.

Lenten meditations, day 2- on purpose.

"even in the ensuing chaos... Jesus... remained centered on God's purposes"

(Chong, in the upper room)

and he was calm.

- "Jesus knew..." (v1)

- "Jesus, knowing that..." (v3)

John 3:1-3

Jesus knew that his hour had come.

Jesus, knowing that the Father had...

-

He didn't look at the turmoil outside and within; but stayed his mind on what he had to do,

remembered where he had come from,

and where he was going.

He wasn't lost. even in the 'whelming flood.